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Walking into Hiyori's apartment that morning felt like a death sentence, and Shin Tsukimi had no one to blame but himself.
He had agonized over this decision for months, and already his coward heart was begging for an excuse to back out. He'd spent a full week rehearsing his speech and he was still half-convinced that he'd find a way to bungle it.
It would have been easier to write a letter, and Shin couldn't deny that he'd been tempted, but he knew it would only delay the inevitable. He'd have to face Hiyori in person eventually. It was better to rip off the bandaid all at once.
Shin had never been very good at explaining himself. He knew how to lie, but rarely on purpose. It was an automatic response— a self-protecting instinct to please other people. He was easily confused and browbeaten by his peers, and authority figures were even worse. Hiyori felt like both.
Hiyori was smart and mean-spirited, and he loved asking questions. He could think on his feet during conversation and lead others wherever he wanted. Shin had no such ability, and it made him feel stupid, even if he managed to do well enough at school.
Shin wanted to tell Hiyori everything, but he was frightened. He had low confidence in normal people knowing anything about such a niche subject.
Shin hadn't even heard the word transsexual until he was fourteen, and he was the kind of person who had reason to look. He'd only learned transgender and Gender Identity Disorder for the first time on wikipedia less than a year ago.
All of Shin's hopes for this conversation hinged on the fact that Hiyori was, to put it politely, the strangest person Shin had ever met. He only cared about rules or popular opinion insofar as they could be picked apart and studied. He liked when things were unusual, and he liked learning about people. He liked… unconventional things being done to people. Their bodies. People's bodies. Um.
Shin closed his eyes and tried to keep his breathing under control.
He'd probably understand the concept faster than Shin's parents had. Shin had already decided against using specific medical or cultural terms, but Hiyori was the one person he suspected might actually recognize them if he did. It was possible that he already knew more than Shin did— Hiyori was almost disturbingly knowledgeable. Sometimes it felt like he might actually know everything.
It was best to keep things simple. If Hiyori was familiar with the concept of transsexuality, he would notice if Shin said something wrong, which would be embarrassing.
Plus, Hiyori liked explaining things. If he got excited about the chance to share new information, that was something he could do instead of slowly picking Shin apart seam by seam.
Hiyori had always been strangely interested in Shin. It was one of the first things Shin had liked about him when they met, as embarrassing as that was to admit. Shin had never considered himself particularly interesting, but Hiyori wanted to know everything about him. It made him feel special.
It also felt terrible. Shin wanted to be cared about, but the way Hiyori analyzed him bordered on obsession. It felt threatening. This conversation was going to be personal, maybe even painful. He couldn't stand the thought of Hiyori sticking his fingers in his emotional wounds, digging around and commenting on the way he cried.
Hiyori was staring at him curiously, with wide eyes and the ghost of a smile. Shin steeled himself.
“Hiyori,” he began. “I need to tell you something important. About myself."
It’ll be fine. Just say it.
“I was born a girl. My body, I mean.” Shin bit his lip. “I'm g-going to see a doctor who will help me make my body more male, but I still need to live as a guy until then. I mean, I was already doing that, but it's a requirement for the diagnosis.”
Hiyori's face betrayed nothing of his reaction. His expression had gone flat, which could mean basically anything. Shin could feel his anxiety mounting. He looked down at the floor, trying not to lose his nerve.
“You're my best friend. So I w-wanted to tell you, because it’s a big part of my life.”
“I'm pretty lucky. I was really worried my parents wouldn't get it— and I still don't know if they do, really, but at least they support me. They love me a lot. A lot of people don't have that…”
Shin trailed off. He forced himself to raise his eyes again, hoping to find something like acceptance.
Hiyori's mouth curved ever so slightly into a small, condescending smile. He raised both eyebrows. “Is that all?” His laugh was good-natured, but something about it felt disrespectful, as if he were indulging a particularly stupid child. “That’s obvious, isn't it?”
Shin flinched. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
He'd already known. Of course he had; anyone with eyes or ears could probably tell. How stupid was he to think he could fool Hiyori, who looked at him like a sample under a microscope in the lab, like an ant under a magnifying glass in the sun, like a worm under his heel after it rains?
The horror building in Shin's gut was threatening to crawl up through his throat and make him vomit.
Hiyori had been humouring him this entire time, hadn't he? He spoke like he'd known from the very beginning.
What if that was the reason Hiyori had talked to him in the first place? What if that was why he looked at Shin so intently?
Did he think Shin was some kind of anomaly to be studied?
Did he want Shin to be his girlfriend?
Maybe he had been waiting for this exact moment, just to laugh in his face.
A cold terror settled on the back of Shin's neck, heavy like the clammy hand of a corpse. His vision was swimming. He couldn't breathe. No, he could; he could hear his own heavy gasps, he just couldn't get enough air. There was a metallic taste in the back of his mouth.
He'd ruined everything. He'd opened his big, stupid mouth and now it was all over. He was drowning, pulled down under scummy water by spectral hands.
Hiyori's voice pierced through his panic like a scalpel. “Oh, don't take it like that.”
“There are people at school who've known you for years, Shin. If you were hoping to fly under the radar, you weren't very thorough about it. Surely you realize that people talk.” He scoffed. “Not to mention that you're still listed as female in your family register! Hardly your fault, of course, you're still too young to change that the legal way…”
It was cold in the apartment. Shin was trembling. Hiyori must have turned the heaters off again. His hands felt numb. He stuck them under his armpits for warmth, crossing his arms protectively over his chest.
Hiyori fiddled with something in his pocket. “There's no need to be so precious about it.”
“You don't get it,” Shin said bitterly.
“Of course I do!” Hiyori insisted.
“No,” Shin snapped. He wasn't even sure whether he was going to stand up for himself or try to backpedal. He just needed to say something now, or Hiyori would talk circles around him and the situation would become unsalvageable. “You—”
“Please stop interrupting, Shin. I wasn't finished. I understand just fine.” Hiyori's smile hardened ever so slightly. “I'm the same as you.”
Shin frowned. What?
What was that supposed to mean? Some kind of metaphor? A dramatic expression of friendship? The same, as in…?
No. He couldn't be serious.
Shin took a shaky breath. “You… you're saying you're also…”
The edges of Hiyori's expression didn't soften, but his voice was as nonchalant as ever. “I could have sworn I'd told you already.”
He had not told Shin any such thing. Shin wouldn't forget something like that. That Hiyori was even trying to pretend otherwise was absurd.
The claim didn't even make sense! As if spending so much time with Hiyori had not made Shin painfully aware of the gulf between them. As if Hiyori hadn't already become his unattainable measuring stick of success. There was no way he actually believed Shin was that gullible!
Hiyori smiled expectantly. “Well?”
Shin struggled to keep his voice from shaking. “Y-you're making fun of me.”
“Hm? You don't believe me?” Hiyori tittered. “Do you want me to take my pants off?”
“Shut up,” Shin spat. His voice was cracking now, too. He was pathetic. “It's not funny.”
Hiyori stepped forward abruptly, and he leaned, kept leaning until he was well into Shin's personal space. Shin froze.
Hiyori looked him dead in the eyes as he spoke, low and serious: “I'm not joking.”
He held his gaze until Shin was forced to look away, then pulled back with a giggle. “Wow! You actually got mad at me, huh?” He pulled a small notepad and pen from his pocket, jotting down a few quick lines. “That's interesting. I honestly expected this to be a low-stakes conversation.”
Shin hated that stupid notebook. He hated it so much. He could feel himself starting to tear up.
He'd never felt more humiliated.
“This is important,” he said miserably. “It's not a joke. I was so scared. I didn't want things to change. I didn't want to lose you. You're my best friend! My only friend! If you left, I wouldn't have anyone!”
The tears started pouring over in earnest, fat drops rolling down his cheeks.
“If you're telling the truth, then you should know, you should know why it's scary, but you're just making fun of me. You don't respect me at all,” Shin choked. A gasping sob tore through him. He curled into himself, turning away from Hiyori.
Shin recoiled at the feeling of hands on his shoulders. He futilely tried to push Hiyori away.
"Oh, Shin,” Hiyori sighed. “Is that what you were worried about? I'm so sorry.” He pulled Shin into his chest, gently stroking his upper back. “I don't think any of those things. This doesn't change anything. You're still my Shin, and you're exactly who you say you are.”
Shin shuddered in Hiyori's arms. He buried his face in the large patterned scarf, too distraught to care about getting tears and snot on the other boy's clothes.
“There was never any doubt,” Hiyori continued. His voice had turned uncharacteristically sweet and soothing. “You're hardly a liar. You can't hide anything from me.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Shin's head. “Should I be offended? I would have thought you'd know my feelings about the nature of the self by now.”
Hiyori's 'feelings about the nature of the self' were a convoluted rambling mess, and far from knowable. Still, Shin could guess what he probably meant.
“I'm sorry,” Shin mumbled. He sniffled. “Sometimes you just say things that hurt my feelings. I almost felt like you already didn't take me seriously as a man, even though you thought I was normal. And then you told me you never thought I was normal. You knew the whole time. I just panicked, I guess.”
“Ridiculous,” Hiyori said. “If I thought you were a woman, it wouldn't be nearly as much fun to emasculate you.”
“Wh— sh-shut up!”
Hiyori giggled again, and for the first time since he'd arrived that day Shin found himself joining in. He rubbed his face with his sleeves, wiping away the last of his tears.
Maybe it was spineless of him to brush it off so quickly, but Shin was never brave. He wanted to be liked. He would have forgiven Hiyori for almost anything on most days, and this moment was special. Hiyori was okay with it. Hiyori was like him.
Hiyori looked and sounded as masculine as any other guy their age. Shin thought he was actually kind of handsome, despite his unusual dress and strange posture. He already wanted to see a doctor about transition, but he hadn't fully believed that outcomes like this were possible— certainly not in somebody so young. He could feel his pulse picking up again, thumping throughout his entire body. He was starstruck.
“Did they, um.” Shin's voice was small. He was embarrassed to ask, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. If he didn't get it out, the question would haunt him. “Did they do something to make you taller?”
“Ahaha! No, that's all genetics.” Hiyori seemed delighted by the question. He raised his head and put a hand to his chest in a humorous exaggeration of pride. “I'm actually something of a medical freak, if you'll believe it!”
“There are surgical methods to make someone taller, however,” he continued, becoming increasingly excited. “Quite a feat of human ingenuity! I'd almost consider it out of sheer curiosity, but if I got much taller it would start to feel comical, wouldn't it?”
His eyes sparkled, undisguised glee radiating off him in waves.
“It's a bit of a gruesome process. They saw through the leg bones and reposition the pieces to leave a gap. Then they use pins and a metal frame to hold the bones in place during the recovery period, and the body grows new bone tissue to fill the missing space. Isn't that clever?”
“Eugh, stop, stop! That's horrible!” Shin shoved Hiyori away and wrenched out of his grasp. He turned away, burying his face in his hands. “I don't want to hear it!”
Hiyori cackled. “It's major surgery, Shin! It's always horrible. That's why they knock you out before they do it!”
“Well, I don't need the details! I'm not a doctor!”
Hearing about this kind of thing from Hiyori was worse than reading about it in an article. He couldn't help but imagine Hiyori as the surgeon, cheerfully demanding Shin hand him various tools.
Would Hiyori use a hand saw, or something electric? Would they be able to smell the flaking bone? How much would the patient bleed as Hiyori broke their legs in four places and nailed them back together? He didn't want to know, but he was sure Hiyori would gladly provide the answers.
“It can't be worth it,” Shin said thickly. It sounded a million times worse than a mastectomy. “I would never be able to do that.”
Hiyori chuckled. “Well, no real loss. Your height is nearly average for a man in this country.” He clapped his hands, still chipper as can be in the face of Shin's distress. “If we don't separate the data by sex, you're just above average for all humans worldwide! You have possibly the most unremarkable height there is.”
“Y-yeah…” Shin muttered shakily, rubbing at his eyes. “I know.”
He didn't know the second part. It could be common knowledge; he had no idea. Either way, Shin would bet Hiyori was an outlier in terms of “number of fun facts known about statistical human measurements.”
“For the record, I like that you're small,” Hiyori continued blithely. He moved in, wrapping both arms around Shin from behind.
Shin almost shrieked. He jumped like he'd been shocked, but Hiyori held him in place.
He leaned down so his head was almost resting on Shin's shoulder. His breath was warm, and it tickled the side of Shin's face and neck.
“It's cute,” he whispered against the shell of Shin's ear.
Shin flushed, squirming slightly in the taller boy's grip. “Th-thank you…?” It felt like a bit of a backhanded compliment, but the affection of the gesture made his heart flip. Hiyori's attention was proof that he had some kind of value as a person.
They stayed like that for a while. Shin counted in his head until his breathing evened out.
He was exhausted. He probably looked awful after all that emotional whiplash. He was relieved that Hiyori probably wouldn't try to take a photo of him from this angle, for fear he'd end up visible in frame himself.
Ultimately, wasn't this a better outcome than anything he could have hoped for? Shin could feel a nervous excitement curling in his chest. Hiyori knew all kinds of things about medical and legal procedures. He had experience that Shin didn't. They had a secret in common. When Shin leaned back against his body, all he could feel was a flat chest.
Quietly, he asked: “Have you met… other people like us? Other guys?”
“Oh, yes,” Hiyori said. He laughed in the thoughtlessly automatic way he often did, paused, then laughed again. “I'm sure I'll introduce you some day.”