Chapter Text
Nico thought and thought. There was nothing else he could do. It's hard to stop yourself from doing it. He thought of the future, but gave up on that. There's not much more that you can do than just hope everything works out. Plus, the uncertainty of it gets overwhelming if you dwell on it too much. Which he did. He thought of the present. But that just made him feel worse. He couldn't focus. Couldn't steady his mind. He thought of the past. See, this was the easiest thing for him to think about. The past already happened. There's facts. There are things you can't deny. There is right or wrong. There is good or bad. There are good decisions, and mistakes you'll regret forever. He needed to think.
It was a quiet evening. Vivian had yet to return from work, despite her shift having ended two hours ago. She'd return quite a bit later, saying she had to help a coworker. She was cheating and Nico knew it. It hurt. A lot. He hadn't confronted her about it, despite having known for over 2 years. He didn't have the energy to confront her. She seemed happy. Whatever. It didn't affect him much, anyway. They slept in separate rooms. Told the girls it was because he snored too loudly. Nico didn't want to think about it any longer. He went out on a walk. He was quite a bit underdressed, considering the breezy autumn evening. But it felt nice. He liked feeling the cold wind hit his face.
He thought of Lewis, and everything they had. Sure, he and Vivian have a stable life. A home, with two young girls. They don't fight. But he and Lewis were quite the opposite. Fiery and erratic. They fought, but they loved. They had feelings they didn't understand. Now Nico understands those feelings, yet has none. Nico had been bitter with anger the years that they dated, yet he was enchanted with the sweetest love he had ever experienced.
It was no surprise their relationship ended in utter ruin. Such passion and strong emotions can't all be for good. It was halfway through the 2014 season. Nico had begun to detest Lewis. The competitiveness, the desire to win. It crumbled them. It destroyed what they had. He despised seeing Lewis smiling on the podium, with his trophy and cap. He could no longer celebrate his lover's wins. It all ended on a normal Tuesday in April, Nico was sure Lewis didn't remember. Nico had gone to Lewis' hotel room to play FIFA. A common occurence. But, their calm conversation, turned into an argument. Lewis asked what that look in his eye meant when Nico looked up at him on the podium. They bickered, about letting their competitiveness get in the way of their relationship. Nico said they'd never work. It was too late now. Lewis yelled and cried, overwhelmed with emotions. Nico stormed out of Lewis' room, refusing to look back. After that, they wouldn't speak. They avoided one another at all costs. They were over. Once Nico won the championship and retired, Lewis was out of his life entirely.
Nico thought of the rage he used to live with. He couldn't even look at Lewis. Couldn't think of all the happiness and joy he had brought him. He hated the man he loved. Now that Lewis was out of his life, he missed him. He missed his childhood best friend, who he did everything with. He missed getting drunk with him. He missed karting in the snow. He missed binging movies and falling asleep on his couch. It was gone. Lewis was gone.
Nico was brought back to reality upon feeling raindrops settle on his shoulders. He shuddered. He saw he was atleast a mile away from home. It was a nice walk, nonetheless. He turned and began returning home. He had to cook the girls' dinner. As he walked, the rain began to pick up, settling into quite the pour. It was nice. Feeling the harsh raindrops. The bitter cold. The wind. If he wasn't distracted enough, he'd just think about Lewis even more.
When he got home, he was completely drenched. The carpet beneath him was, also. He has gotten a cold, but he didn't care enough. He changed clothes, and lay in bed a bit. He would've loved to just fall asleep and forget it all, but he knew he had to feed his daughters. He walked down each step carefully, towards the kitchen. Somehow he felt as though he would fall if he didn't watch himself. He didn't feel shaky, but he didn't feel right. He found some left overs and heated them up for the girls. He didn't have much to say. He didn't eat, either. Not hungry. Once he cleaned up the kitchen, he carefully walked up the stairs. He lay on his back and looked up. He had wanted so badly to go to bed, but now he couldn't sleep.
When he closed his eyes, all he saw was Lewis. After an hour or so, he finally slept. Only to dream of Lewis.
It was the two of them, sitting on the roof of Lewis' childhood home. Lewis was reminiscing about something Nico didn't remember. Nico's mind was fuzzy and he couldn't think straight. Something about Lewis' face looked off. Like it wasn't him. Nico squinted, trying to see him. He woke up. As quickly as he had realized it was Lewis, he woke up.
Nico sat up, and sighed in frustration. Part of him wished he could go back to hating Lewis. Go back to not thinking of him. Nico will not fall in love again. It was over. They are over. There is no point in thinking about Lewis anymore. It's been over a decade. Nico has a family.
Nico crumbled. He cried, covering his face with his hands. He had never felt so much regret in his life. Regret for retiring. For chasing after the championship like his life depended on it. For losing the love of his life. But why now? Why hadn't he cried like this the day he left Lewis in his hotel room? Why was it so easy for Nico to leave him?
He wanted to see Lewis. To talk to him. To be friends. Are they friends? Did they ever stop being friends? Would Lewis want to be his friend? He wanted to show up to his condo and beg for him back. To tell him how much he misses him. "Lewis, I regret everything I did to you all those years ago. Please, I miss you." He would say. "I still think about you." He would say.
Oh god. Nico Rosberg fucked up 10 years ago.