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“Do you mind if I talk about something that has nothing to do with why I’m here?” he asked while looking at his hands. Twisting fingers, biting his lip, he needed to get this out, but at the same time… This was nothing he had been prepared to face. The shit he’d been through should’ve mattered more, but suddenly he was stumbling at stupid, stupid teenager stuff. He should’ve been past all of this.
“Axel? Of course it’s okay. What’s on your mind?”
“I-“ he began, but couldn’t continue. “This sounds fucking funny, but trust me, it isn’t. I met a boy.”
There was a small silence and a gentle smile. One of her trust-me-with-this smiles. “What’s special about this boy?”
“Way too much,” Axel said and felt a tremble going through his body. Everything was about to spill out. He wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted, but it was too late now. “I don’t need this shit now.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah. I guess I do. I don’t know what to do. I’m fucking clueless and everything is messed up. My body and my mind and my emotions”, he started. The words sounded so violent. “I like him.”
“Does he like you? Is this what is bothering you?”
“Do I look like I’m twelve?”
“We’ve been through this before, Axel. I need to ask to understand.” Again with the smile. She was right though. “I can only make educated guesses if you don’t want to give answers. Are you unsure how he’ll react if you tell him about what you are going through?”
He smiled. “I know how he’ll react. Must’ve been one of the first things I said to him. He wanted to know if I was having issues with my weight and if I was here to get counseling. ‘You have a healthy body’ and all that. Told him that I had body issues, all right. But that I didn’t like my boobs.”
She struggled for a moment to find the right expression to show her professional calm, but settled with slightly amused. “So, I take it he took it fine?”
“I guess.”
“What is it then that you want to talk about? I get the feeling that there’s something that is upsetting you.”
“I… The thing is that he doesn’t really exist. Or does. It’s not like he’s an imaginary friend. He’d blood and flesh. I’m just not sure if he’s nothing but a delusion. He’s one of the people who come here every week. At the same time as I.”
She smiled alright, but there was a sad understanding now. “I can’t talk about other patients,” she said slowly. “But I have a feeling of who you’re talking about. Axel, you are both going through a rough time in your lives as he has apparently told you.”
“Told and told”, he shrugged. “Got to witness it first-hand. One day he’s the guy I know and the next he has no idea who I’m.”
“Axel… How did you get to know him? Why has he gotten so deep under your skin?”
“I wish I knew. I met him a month ago. We were both waiting for our appointments. I was bored and he was just there. I guess I asked what his problem was? He looked really boring kind of normal. Probably said that one to him too. People usually get offended by me, but he laughed. I decided that I liked him there and then. That was the time I missed my appointment. I lured him out with promises of coffee and sweets.
“Yeah, yeah, irresponsible behavior. We needed that though. I made him smile. It was if all my bad puns were funny again. We just clicked. He was cute. The blond hair suited him. And I thought that was it. He would be that person and we could maybe see each other around now and then. I wasn’t planning anything serious.”
“But somehow it became serious?” she asked.
“Not really”, he said and shook his head. “We went to see a movie that Sunday. The following Thursday he was gone.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“He had his appointment, I had mine. The first thing I noticed was that he had dyed his hair brown. I commented on that and he looked at me like he had no idea who I was. He really hadn’t the slightest clue who I was.”
“That must’ve been a harsh wakeup”, she said. She tried to sound sympathetic- hell, she was that for real – but the words didn’t help.
“I argued with him for a while”, Axel continued. “I don’t even know how long it took for him to realize what I was babbling about. He said he was sorry. That he shouldn’t have let the ‘other’ him out. That the other him wouldn’t be there anymore. That he was getting better now.”
“What are you going to do now?” she asked.
Axel was quiet for a while. “I guess I have to move forward,” he said.