Chapter Text
The year is 2012. The place is the dream music college of his.
I mean , can you even imagine that?! Brandon Russell, far away from his hometown (if you consider an hour ride by car long, which it is, but compared to some of the other people going away to college… I say we just nod and smile here, so as not to ruin Brandon’s moment). Family and friends. All left behind.
Dad, Lori, his goth witch stepmother and her and his dad’s daughter. So many loved ones. Friends are… Well, it's a bit hard to narrow them down…
For starters, there sure is… no wait, that guy moved… Oh, but you definitely can’t forget… Ahh, no, not really… Well fuck.
You know what? Whatever! Brandon is an old guy now! He doesn’t need any of them! He’s in college now! Aaand almost done with his first semester!! What a big guy.
…
Okay, so… To be honest, yes, this hasn’t turned out as groundbreaking as Brandon had imagined it. But it was nice. He was learning new music related subjects, doing lots of good yet painfully big assignments and he finally got used to the variety of noises in his dorm. I mean, a whole new future was in fact awaiting him. This is the place he’ll find out new things about himself!
But that’s just how the saying goes. It’s probably not gonna happen anytime soon.
It just wouldn’t fit in his perfectly good life, you see. Living in a new environment made him adapt and gave him so many new people to work with. To bear with. To hate and calculate a way out of the lecture room that is out of their line of sight. And speaking of friends… that shit didn’t fucking change much. A few times, there were people looking at him like he’s a sore stain in this study environment where people rarely study. And even this… nice role that Brandon found for himself couldn’t keep him from doubting things again and again.
In other words, thank god winter break is almost here.
“Wait… am I tripping or did something change?” She put her hands on the kitty ears headphones to focus on the sound of it rather than to listen better. He looked at her for a second and got back to work until she would announce her opinion. “Yeah, you added something! Is that… piano?”
“Oh, yeah,” the boy says, not getting distracted from his laptop. “I thought it could use some in the background. Adds to the ambience I guess.”
The blonde girl with straight hair and a short-sleeved pink shirt takes her headgear off with a frown, which brings Brandon’s full attention right back to her.
“What? You don’t like it?”
“No-o… it’s actually so pretty! I would’ve never thought of that,”
Brandon forms a small adoring smile. He didn’t need all these drunk crowds as long as he had a friend as cool as her.
“I just didn’t take you for a piano guy.”
But that comment leaves him agape. He lets out a tiny gasp too and looks at her.
“What? Why not?”
“...I don’t know. Forget it,” she dismisses.
“No, come on, Har,” now that she’s got his full attention, she clearly had no way out, but to answer. He turned around on his chair just to show it. “Why did you think I’m not “a piano guy”?”
“Well, it’s kinda stupid…” she started playing with her hair, trying her best to show him that it’s not a big deal. He did not react. “I guess there’s this sort of thing… Like guitar versus piano, you know? So I guess… I just didn’t realise you’d even think of adding piano in your music since we used guitar as main.”
“What? Why wouldn’t I? They were both in my submission song! And as you can see, it worked quite well,” the offended boy exclaimed.
(Sure, in a moment of being betrayed, he might have sworn off of it when his music partner uhh… turned out to be a dick, but there was no need to tell her that.)
“Come on Har! Just because I prefer guitar doesn’t mean I swore off of it!”
“Yeah, I know I know, I’m sorry,” she said hastily. “I told you it was stupid. That’s just how it is in my family. All the “bad guys play guitar and goody girls play piano mood.”
Harmony said it so sheepishly, yet Brandon barely avoided choking on air.
Well, really that was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard! He felt awful thinking what kind of conservative parents she has… and well, it’s also good to know they don’t know him. Makes you feel more safe in this cruel world. But why in the world did she mention it?
“Have I told you there were only two or three girls playing guitar in school?” she continued.
Brandon missed everything she was saying – the anxiety got to him.
“I don’t seem weird to her…right?”
OKAY, Brandon, she might be your only friend right now, do NOT ruin this. THINK Brandon THINK.
Harmony had pointed out that Brandon was unusual – but by that she explained that he was a rare specimen of a guy who doesn’t take girls for granted. But that doesn’t mean he’s… girly. Because if it did, well he’s not.
Brandon shook off the barely appearing panic. That thought process was quite meaningless actually, because…
“Didn’t you tell me you were one of them?”
“Well… secretly, yeah I was,” she said proudly, cheeks turning pink. “But only because dad has been teaching me piano since I was 5 and I've never felt more done with it! It’s good that Mr. Owens never ratted me out,” she smiled, reminiscing.
That was good to hear. No need to worry, Brandon. Better to end the topic here and make last changes to their music project.
When the clock struck 5, Harmony told him to snap out of it and take a break – he did a very good job already and they were finishing just in time.
“So, umm… I know we spend a lot of time already, but… do you want to go out sometime?” She picked her bag up, quickly finished the sentence and stared at Brandon.
“Oh god, no,” Brandon thought. “Please don’t like me like that.”
“Yeah, sure we could,” he simply answered while packing. “As friends, right?” he clarified.
Just like that, she went from wonder to a disappointed “oh”, until brushing it off.
“Yeah, ughh… sure, of course as friends!”
“Har…”
She waved her hand at that. “Whatever, really, I… It’s fine. Expecting you to be both a gift of a friend and possibly boyfriend was pretty foolish from the start.”
She seemed to avoid his gaze which upsetted Brandon a lot.
“If it makes you feel better, I… I don’t think you’re bad or anything… I just genuinely don’t see you like that,” the words might have escaped his mouth, but still felt foreign.
No, he wasn’t lying, but it felt like a lie nonetheless. It made him shifty and persistent not to think why he doesn’t like his gorgeous friend even a little bit.
“It’s okay, I’m… actually glad we got that out of the way,” Harmony looked at him reassuringly and there was nothing else to do, but hope that she really did mean it. And he didn’t break her heart or something.
“So, where did you want to go?”
The girl observed him from head to toes and back and nipped her lip. “Nah, I’ve had enough of you this semester, friend. Can’t wait to give this project in. I need like, a break from you. No offense.”
Brandon laughed at that. He agreed with her opinion very deeply. They spent every week on their child and it was definitely about time to stop.
“But I’m really sad we didn’t go out much! We should set something up when all of this finally ends,” she strolled forward.
“Yeah, I’d love that!” he replied, finally without a doubt. Well, at least they settled the “what are we” question down.
After exchanging goodbyes, Brandon had a 20-minute walk to his dorm and his thoughts as the only companions along the way.
Goddamnit, this again. This huge elephant in the room of his brain that craves your full attention.
He didn’t even know she like-liked him… Sometimes Brandon has to convince himself that they are actually friends… But surely, he can’t forget that day.
It was the very first time he saw her in full power: Har was jogging down the hall and some boys from their next class called her “Barbie”. She then parried it by informing them that the doll didn’t stand a chance to her. A while later, he got the confidence to ask her to be partners and was delighted to hear a yes.
Almost all of their time together was spent either in shared classes or on the project in the study halls. There weren’t any common celebrities or sports or fashion for them, but the interest in music and pain from studying brought them closer.
Soon he found out she was brought up in a musical environment, her dad and her older siblings pursuing music careers, and as a result she was rather knowledgeable in the history and classical theory (whether she wanted to or not). Combined with her eagerness to break out of their influence and be modern and rebellious, she made a great addition to Brandon who had no fucking idea what he was doing.
I guess what he's trying to point out is… Harmony is awesome and handsome – she loves leaving her blond hair free, bright colors, like pink and purple, jeans with patches and loud music. Her place at this college might have been predestined and prepaid, but Harmony proved multiple times that she deserves it. Not to forget her confident personality, especially around nasty people, and the spicy comebacks she can come up with.
So, why the heck has he not yet felt a spark for her from his male body? She was the best dating material. Or just crushing. But none of it did anything.
Maybe it was just their similar ethics or preferences or from getting to know her more and more from a friend's point of view… Or maybe it wasn’t and it was something different – and Brandon felt it with his heart.
Not ever did he think a girl looked somewhat kissable. No daydreaming in classes, no longing looks, not even sleepless nights. It was so normal to him, so usual that only now when Harmony expressed an interest in him, he started realizing that it’s actually… strange. He was strange.
This has happened before, you know: with Jodi, hometown friend who moved away. Har reminds a bit of her actually – blond hair, rebel, not like other girls, real close friendship. But the difference ends there because never ever had the fateful question emerged: they went to movies, they’ve been shopping, they roamed around Main Street, talked about bullies and parents and teachers and even clothes sometimes and Brandon would always feel right for some reason.
He never asked her type of boys and Jodi never asked his type of girls. Or well… He supposed there was one time when they were watching TV when the commercial started and Jodi was so deeply wrapped up by Lady Gaga and asked him if she was “gorgeous or what”.
What was he supposed to say? She seemed pretty too, but too didn’t bring enough of that “male attraction” his father spoke about on rare and unfortunate occasions.
Jodi laughed and joked he was blind. Brandon asked what it was about her that she liked, but all she could get out was a couple of stumbling adjectives. I mean, could you believe it? She didn’t even look at him, instead paying close attention to the floor and folding her hair a lot with her hands.
“Girls are confusing,” he thought at that moment with his wise 15 year old brain.
Not just the girls though. His another old friend, Wesley, popped up in mind.
Despite the argument they had, Brandon found himself fine remembering the prick. Yeah, that boy was full of himself (he snickered) – he was taller than Brandon, had black spiky hair, wore leather jackets, had bright blue eyes and the long smile of a predator which could easily capture girls in his claws. Brandon supposed he could see why it worked – when Wes smiled that way, it’s like he knew too much about you and it brought him deep joy knowing very well when someone can’t take their eyes off of him.
Poor girls, huh. Truly, Brandon could only imagine how much they suffered when he’d blow them off – all the mixed feelings of anger, despair and sorrow. And really, when you spend days saying yes to everything he asks and nights wondering if you could have done better, it just makes you feel kind of empty and tired, because Wes would never give back the efforts you spent on him.
Brandon stopped in his tracks for a moment and chuckled… Okay, maybe he once compared himself to Wes’ victims, but that was just an outburst. He took a moment to shake off these memories and find his room key in the bag. He just imagined too well.
Anyway, there was only one door preventing him from getting into a warm bed, something he’s been dreaming about for the whole day. And entering, it made his legs weak and brain queasy. He finally fell down.
Though homework was awaiting, the sleepiness took over, letting Brandon drift away into his thoughts, for fun...
After all, Wes and he used to be good friends despite being so different. Wes wrote beautiful lyrics and sometimes Brandon even found himself listening attentively instead of accompanying. But oh well, how couldn’t he? The boy’s voice was… angelic? “No”, Brandon realised, “That’s not the word. More like… hellish.” So deep, so passionate and not unlike of a devil who is whispering sweet lies about a future together far from family in your ear while you lose your breath, scratch your hands and swallow more often from how hot your face and body are.
…Brandon opened his eyes and stared into the ceiling for a minute or two.
“Huh?”
That particular “huh” was Brandon, realizing oh-so suddenly and turning his head up in the next second. His right ear, which he used to umm… visualize a fictional situation as an example of… something nostalgic about growing up? He was blanking on it, swear to God… Alright, so… maybe he didn’t know the exact reason why it happened, but the fact stands, it did happen and now umm… his right ear was burning hot.
Not just his ear though: he took out a little rectangle mirror – a gift from someone very important – and took a glance to find a tomato with dark brown eyes and hair and pink lips looking right back with horror written on its face.
“What?” was the only thought and it kept repeating several times before losing hope of ignoring whatever just happened and moving on.
No… Well it was just a funny thought, right? There’s no way he had actually liked Wes that way… Is there?
Brandon, having gone through such a long life of 18 human years, thoroughly researched and realised a bunch of things: his younger sister isn’t that awful, he likes creating music and wearing sweaters and that society can’t change him.
This list of his surely wouldn’t have liking men in there.
He would’ve fucking noticed if it did.
To be fair, it also didn’t have anything connected to love life. It never exactly occurred. Sure, he thought one day he'd meet the love of his life, marry her, have kids and stuff – but until then, he would just have to wait until his adolescence spurt came to be.
Was this the spurt he’d been told to expect? The pictures of which from sex-ed used to make him embarrassed and nauseous?
Brandon decided to go into the rabbit hole of his thoughts and find out. He lied back down and closed his eyes impatiently shut, thinking.
What else was there to tell about Wes? Well, when Brandon actually asked him for help with song lyrics, he’d been showered affection from a girl (but oh well, he’d always been) and Brandon recalls that his hands were extremely sweaty and he was ready to say “But it’s no big deal” any moment he’d sense that Wes thinks he’s the most desperate dork in the school. Shockingly, after 10 seconds of his girlfriend giggling what a desperate dork he is, he agreed to help.
The broody prince of teenage girls surprisingly didn’t talk about girls much. The lyrics probably said everything for him. Besides, Brandon now realises that if Wes had been boasting about them during their sessions, he would have probably been really hurt. But instead, it was a really nice time… though sadly not for long.
You know what they say: just me, my friend (who I’m 40% sure now I was crushing on) and my younger sister who also had a crush on him, in a very obvious 110% way.
God, he really thought at that time he’d gotten over hating Lori from when they were younger – but seeing her brush her blond hair for a 1000th time and stumble her words around Wes while smiling broadly definitely rekindled some of that not-so forgotten fire.
She seemed obnoxious, stupid and naive. How could she ever think she had a chance with him? She wouldn’t even talk to him at school, but when he would come to their house to work with Brandon, oh yes, please: let me interrupt you every damn hour, even though your future career depends on it, and invite you to eat with us for the fifth time although you have better things to do.
Was that jealousy? Brandon wondered. And the answer would be – yeah! The friendly one! After all, Wes was his friend first and 60% crush second. That was their quality time! Sometimes it feels like if Brandon would just tell Wes all about her, he would turn out to be a really good friend and ignore her altogether. And then maybe, they wouldn’t have to argue about him leaving her alone in the forest at midnight!
At least they haven’t kissed once (as far as Brandon knows. Lori would probably mess it up and give her “boyfriend” a reason to dump her earlier than expected). Just an image of them kissing made Brandon feel sick in the stomach... As in he would hate to see Wes bother her! And of course later Brandon would have to be the bad guy and step in to tell her she should break up with him. And obviously she would argue with that, because why wouldn’t she since he’s SO GODDAMN HOT.
…Umm… But anyway, that would only be part of the reason why Brandon is against it. Lori was only 15 and of course as an older brother he was worried she would get hurt. Surely he can’t imagine how much of the kissy stuff Wes knew that Lori didn’t. Right?
…Well, turns out, he can imagine. Because in a mere second, his imagination for some reason replaced Lori with Brandon, Wes in her, uhh, his face, so… now it’s just holding him by the waist, breathing hot air on his lips, pushing him into a wall while Brandon is swirling fingers between his soft hair, trying not to ruin this while their tongues…
“ALRIGHT,” Brandon felt wide awake one more time. “That was kind of a… queer thought I guess…”
He wasn’t guessing. The idea of kissing boys had suddenly become such a vivid image in his head, taking up plenty of space on Brandon’s hardware.
But… how could he not know? Well, yeah, there weren't that many male peers in his life, counting from puberty, but still. How did he live his whole life not knowing that he’d love to smooch asshole boys?
What would his parents say??? Dad definitely raised him to be better than that… God, they teased him so much about giving them grandkids in the future… But apparently that’s not an option?!*1
Brandon felt queasy and confused… He did not expect his body to hide something so well from himself. So rolling the memories in mind, trying to identify where it had started, he dozed off, thinking no college student should ever have to go through this.
(And yet they fucking do, all the time.)
Thursday morning started with a big cup of coffee. Although he was never a fan of it, it did a good job waking him up and bringing his ass to work.
Today, thankfully, no classes were held, so Brandon decided to spend his morning revising the song.
Did it need revising that often? Probably not. But that was the best you could come up with to promptly ignore the freshly arising chaos of questions from the day before.
This was… a lot to put up with. Many thoughts and memories flew into Brandon’s mind, mixing up embarrassing, delighted, depressing and (rarely) intimate feelings. It was even more weird that his orientation not only brought up a lot of questions, but actually answered some previous ones.
Yeah, at least now it was clear why Brandon never felt affection for any girls. But can it also explain why he was a bit of a weird kid in school? He wasn’t bullied, sure, but you couldn’t forget some suspicious looks he was given time-to-time – “why don’t you have a date to prom?”, “what’s with the sweaters, cop kid?” And those whisperings, geez…
Did it mean he was just… weird from birth?
Was he like this from birth? Surely, being gay started at least at puberty, as Wes accurately proved, but had there been signs of it before? And if yes, how would he know?
“God, this can’t keep up like this,” Brandon murmured to himself, hating to have brought it all up again. “Better get to work and not dwell on it.”
With that thought, he opened his file and was shocked to see the error message pop up.
“What?!” he screamed with his eyes wide open. It said that the file had been corrupted and was not able to be played. In panic he started pushing many buttons, hoping that the bad message would go away and give him back his song. “No-no-no!” Brandon gave up and hid his face in the desk, groaning loudly.
He thought he had backups, he really did. He must have not saved correctly or closed the laptop lid too early – no matter what happened, there was nothing to do now.
Brandon had no idea how to deliver the news to Har. Would she hate him? Surely, he never meant to do so, but who knows? He’s not the only one who spent so much time on it.
The deadline was coming in too close. They worked so hard, just so that he could spend the winter break with the family. His stepmother had been planning it for a while now – he could never bring himself up to tell her that he’s not able to come… But she was a good parent, that he knew for sure. (And also some creepy magical woman, but the jury's still out on that one). She deserved to know the truth and plan accordingly.
“I should just... get it over with,” he felt determined to call her this instant. Turns out, there aren’t many parts of his life under his control. So, he’s just gonna have to make sure that problems he actually can control aren’t put off.
The call lasted for 10 seconds before the person finally answered.
“Hi Brandon, it’s good to hear from you,” the melodic voice on the other side of the call is surrounded by lots of noise, but her step-son knows there’s no distraction big enough that could stop Cassandra Nightingale from talking to her family. “How are things?”
To say that she was an average mother would be basically an offense – because everyone who got to know her learnt something. Some called her a saviour and a great help, some a black witch or a foolish hippy, but you would always have a strong opinion of her: Brandon’s was filled with love and appreciation.
Cassie never worked to replace his mom – no, instead she did her best at giving her step-kids and husband just as much love – if not more.
Brandon knew well this sounded too sappy. But oh well, Cassie just always managed to say the right thing, and it was hard to deny it, because if you did, she would just slap you back with another one of her quotes.
Also, who cared how weird she seemed? She helped Brandon get through shitty teenage life and was there when he needed her and Brandon could not give a shit what else is supposed to matter.
“Well, I almost finished my project, but the file got corrupted, “ he said, getting straight to the point. “And I’m gonna have to do it almost all over again.” Harmony probably had an early draft, but he couldn’t remember how long ago it was.
“Oh dear. Are you still able to make it to us?” her voice now worried, managed to point out exactly what the boy was thinking of.
“No, the deadline is in 3 days! I just hope I’ll talk it out with the teacher, but still… I’m gonna have to spend the winter break remaking it… Which means I probably can’t go on your vacation.”
“Oh, Brandon…” the woman had sounded as if it was Brandon who needed comfort, which made the guy shift since most of the time she’s been right. “That’s too bad. But… would you please hold that thought for now? There’s still a chance you’ll work it out earlier than expected.”
Aaaaand there it is. Yep, that was Cassie alright – always staying positive, always saying “don’t give up”, even like now, when she had no idea of how much time was spent on something Brandon had only mere days to fix if he really wanted that vacation.
Brandon knows she’s nice, but god, right now it feels more annoying than usual. Who knows, maybe the self-coming out party did a toll on his nerves. “No, Cassie, I’m… I just… really don’t see this trip working out at all,” his voice sounded groggy and hard.
It seemed that Cassie became silent for a moment and then so long Brandon thought he offended her, but just then, right before he wanted to go on, she simply said:
“We’ll see.” Almost competitively if her step-son didn’t know any better.
They exchanged a couple more news, but Cassie had to work, so it was still pretty short.
With that call ended, Brandon didn’t quite feel as relieved as he expected. No, there were still problems, gnawing on him in his guts, freaking him out.
Yeah, the project is a mess, but it can be fixed – something you can’t say about his sexuality. A part of him kept on doubting, saying it’s just a phase from college stress or maybe Brandon was just overthinking all that Wes stuff. An even bigger part told him somewhere from the heart probably that he always knew. Not like, in a straight way (yeah mate, definitely not), but in such a way that makes your body feel cozy and steady and the chaos around seems to die down as you think: “Wow… That’s me.”
Yeah… No matter how pretty that paragraph sounds, Brandon still lacked information. What can I say, there wasn’t like a school extra-curricular for all that is gay. He didn’t even know how the law situation was, only remembering bits and pieces from TV news channels.
This was exhausting on many levels. Brandon was only a newbie – and since he doesn’t know any “experienced” folks, he might as well talk about it to a friend.
…Who would probably have to be Harmony. I mean, don’t get him wrong, this is in no way a sad story of a special kid with no male friends – no, there are actually some nice dorm-mates of his, even if Brandon doesn’t know anything about them.
But he would never talk about this with a guy – god knows how scared or nauseous or hateful he might act after. No, it would have to be at the very least a girl.
Now, girls were definitely not popular with him. Like, at all. It was painful to see the same social stereotypes again: girls hanging out only with either charming and popular for love and attention or with the biggest nerds for help with homework. And Brandon was none of those things. Probably why Har chose him in the first place. Weirdos attract.
And now besides the bad news he also has to deliver the shocking news and that made Brandon feel quite doubtful. But no reason to put it off, right? No better time than the present is what they say. Because the longer he keeps it from her, the more deceit it causes between their friendship.*2
“Come to your place? Why?” she said hours later, freezing with a confused look on her face.
You see, they were just finishing the last piece of homework for Friday and were about to depart when he dropped the offer.
“Well, you know, we wanted to hang out more, why not now?” It seemed like Harmony could see right through him, analyzing curiously, even though it wasn't actually that weird of an offer. It’s just that someone’s room is a whole new level.
“Well sure, alright,” she said, which didn’t sound very sure. “Just please don’t tell me it’s too far. This bag is too heavy for my back,” she complained and sneaked some glances while Brandon wasn’t looking.
“It’s only a long walk, you’ll be okay,” he laughed it off, got his stuff too and they set off.
“So, you got any hot neighbours?” she asked nonchalantly, but it was obvious she actually hoped for a positive answer. Looks like she didn’t need much time getting over him.
Thank. God.
“Err, I dunno,” he started tracing the distinct memory of the people he would see either in the morning or in the late evening. Most of them started partying the end of exams away. “There’s Randy, right next to my room. But he’s not, umm… your type,” he wanted to say that Randy is not the dating type in general, but was afraid of coming out sooner than planned. “ Carl, who still has acne, poor guy, and whenever I see him he’s writing something. Ahhh, Ryan, Nick, Al… but I think I never actually talked to them.”
“Ah, you’re no good as a cupid too,” she sighed, “deeply” disappointed in him. “But what do you mean about this Randy?”
“What exactly?”
“Not my type? And what is my type?” she smiled at him and that’s when he knew for sure she would be able to crack him, had she a little more information.
“Uhhh, I don’t know…“ He dwelled on, feeling a tad naked. “I just know that you wouldn’t like him that way. He’s a gamer, his room is a mess of dirty clothes and energy drinks on weekends. He always copies Carl’s homework if he can, and is really straightforward about it. Also, he weirdly talks in Spanish.”
“What do you mean weirdly? Maybe he’s actually spanish?”
“Nah, I think those are all swears. He rages when he loses a game and then they come out,” Brandon knows it doesn’t sound pleasant, but so far Randy is the only guy Brandon actually had multiple conversations with. He hoped him and Har would be able to stand each other. “The good thing is, he only swears when losing a game.”
“Well… Alright, I’ll give him that. But yeah, you might be right about him. Actually, he sounds like not a date kinda guy at all,” Harmony wondered. Brandon pondered how their opinions matched so well ‐ looks like another piece of evidence of him being very much like Har, a ✨️men enjoyer✨️. “ I’m not gonna be surprised if he’s gay or something.”
Brandon would absolutely choke on his drink if he had one at the moment. But since that was unavailable, he opted for a choke on air, starting to believe it after all those sappy books he’d seen it written in.
Brandon felt unsure if he needed to react somehow to her words, but it looked like she kept on going with a neutral expression, so things were fine. Well, except that his confidence has dropped from barely to almost null. And yet, he already invited her in, so… going back would feel weird. Probably because he had gotten so far morally.
“Hi man, hope you don’t mind, I brought a friend,” Brandon peeked through Randy’s door and delivered the news. A guy with dark brown messy hair of the same age with huge headphones and a gray hoodie was aggressively clicking buttons and trying to pay attention to every bright pop-up on his screen simultaneously.
“WHY aren’t you killing them, you hijo de puta?!” he screamed. Unless you count that, no response followed.
Har followed the sound of his voice. “I don’t think we can make any more noise than him, “ she wisely noticed, sitting down in Brandon’s desk chair.
“I just wanted to be a good roommate, “ he confessed and scratched the back of his head. Technically, they weren’t roommates, but they shared a wall and no door was at the end of it, so basically they are. The room was just as small as you could imagine – the bed, the table with two shelves, a chair and the nightstand took most of the space and the leftover was only big enough for one person walking.
Harmony laid down on his bed in the lack of sitting places and crossed her legs. “So, what are the plans? Do we work or do we party?”
“Nice options you got there,” he thought to himself. “I wish I wasn’t about to ruin both of them.”
“About that,” Brandon laid down restlessly by her and felt a bit better knowing the first of his news weren't as troubling as the second ones. Ironically, because only hours ago it felt like the opposite (oh, the wonders anxiety can do to our confidence in such short periods of time are truly magnificent). “I have something to tell you.”
Clearly, Harmony’s interest was piqued*3, because her brows jumped up a little and her brown eyes settled on him. This was a little unnerving to Brandon, but he continued.
“Our song is gone,” he said quickly and continued slower. “The file got corrupted and I can’t open it, no matter how hard I try. The previous versions are gone too.”
“What?!” quickly followed. Har even jumped a little herself. “No-no-no… No, I- I have it too, you know we can still recover…”
“Yeah, I know. But from what I remember, it’s like months old. You don’t like carrying your laptop, remember?” He allowed himself a sad smile.
“No-no, I’m sure we can… Oh damn it!” Finally, the insults flew after her incoherent thoughts. Harmony got up and looked around in disbelief. “Brandon, this sucks! We worked so hard on that! Mr. Brown said he couldn’t wait to hear our final!”
“I know. Sorry,“ he responded shyly and kept looking at the floor. They could probably recall what changes they added throughout, but it would still take time, which they didn’t have.
She stopped for a second and looked at him. “No, I know you didn’t mean it,” feeling guilty for her outburst, she delivered. “I just… ugh, this is all terrible.” She sat beside him on the soft bed, stared at the floor too and covered her cheek, pouting. “I need a minute...”
Oh, Brandon knew as much as that. So the boy decided to give her some silence to process this.
“Where are you going?” She stops him in his tracks. “I… told you I’m not mad at you, I just…”
“Do you want a sandwich?” He suddenly asks. There’s still one more convo to go through. “I’m kinda hungry, so I’m gonna make some. I could bring you one too.”
Harmony unfreezes from that and nods her head and he leaves for a food break.
“Here,” he comes back 5 minutes later and she, still a little vary, takes the dish given to her. She had too, accepted to live with cooking herself, no mommy included, and no comment of the food quality would be spoken. “Enjoy it, cause now I have nothing left.”
“That’s too bad. When was the last time you bought food?” she continued the topic.
“I don’t know. I ought to refill though – most of my freetime is well, with you and completing assignments, so it’s hard to keep track.”
“Wow, that’s not cool. We-” she took a bite,”-should go for groceries together sometimes, if you’d like. Maybe buy those big packets for less money and share,” Harmony gave him a big smile, showing support in this cruel reality.
“That… sounds nice,” he said with hesitation and a sandwich in hands. Those were good friend plans, but after all, they might not be friends after the thing he tells her. “But we’d have to go pretty often. We’ve got food burglars.”
“Ugh, I hate those! Do you have any idea who they are?”
“Bran-man!” The exclaim had not let Brandon answer the question and the energized guy appeared at the entrance. “You ran out of food!”
Harmony squinted her eyes, showing shock and then utter disrespect, but Brandon just pointed at their sandwiches, while Randy promptly ignored her.
“Okay, first, you do NOT make cuts of bread as big as those, pendejo! That’s just not fit for a lady,” Randy made an expression as if their meal was actually made of vomit, to which Brandon smiled and Har worryingly looked at her half-eaten meal. “Secondly, who IS the lady? I’d rather you tell me if you bring someone for a good time.”
“Wha- I did tell you, but you were busy! And we’re not… doing anything!” Brandon had the willpower to not say “eww”.
“Well, I’m watching you two! Hey, whose food do you think I should borrow?” Randy snapped right back to his hunger and looked his friend right in the eyes, making Brandon sweat a little.
Turns out green is just as captivating as blue.
“I-i, um… Well, girls would definitely kill you and others… Maybe Carl? He’s nice and probably wouldn’t mind if you ask nicely,” he had to scratch his head for this one, but the guy seemed appreciative, what with the following nods and hums.
“Yeah… Great idea, thanks!” Randy said and went out of the room, eager to find the guy mentioned.
“That doesn’t mean you can always take his food!” Brandon gave a try to stop the guy, but it might have been too late. He sighed. His great distraction from anxious thoughts was gone. “I’m sorry for him. But at least you now see why I don’t see you two together.”
Har snorted. “Yeah, that much is clear,” she showered him with a wide smile. “And thanks, you’re a good friend for that.”
Brandon felt flustered and grateful… and weird. Only one woman made him feel this grateful and this was just not the feeling he was used to. Probably his real mom too, but… it’s been so long since her death he can’t remember properly.
He feels bad for not feeling guilty about it.
“Well, if we’re not gonna work, we might as well catch up,” the blond girl started another conversation. “Are you dating anyone?”
Brandon could not believe his “luck”.
"Nope, free as a bird,” a gay bird. “And I really hope you won’t set me up with any of your friends,” unless they are tall mean boys with shiny eyes. “I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just… not feeling like it right now.” I haven’t felt like touching a girl for about my whole existence.
“Yeah sure! To be honest, I can’t even guess your type,” sure you can’t. “Do you even have one?” men.
“Yeah, speaking of… my dating life isn't quite… ”
God, a wave of words splashed through his brain and yet none of them left the mouth. How do you even say a thing like that? He could make a lot of (very) funny jokes, but what did it matter if she would end up with a shock on her face anyway? How in the world do you get the words out if there’s a small chance that after you do they’ll spite you forever?
“I wanted to tell you, I…” he stumbled around and escaped her gaze, which followed him like a hawk.
“Come on Brandon, don’t be a coward… She’s not Wes. She doesn’t have breath-taking blue eyes. And also she’s actually nice.”
“I’m… I’m not really…”
Wait, is he actually not gonna find the words? Come on, no! It was supposed to be a ha-ha at the start, it’s time to fucking act Brandon, ACT.
“Umm…”
“WHY CAN’T I SAY ANYTHING, I’VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH SO MUCH, WHY CAN’T I JUST…”
“Not into dating?” Brandon’s inner panic attack stopped for a second to register Har’s words. She looked… normal? Oh, that’s right, she didn’t just fall into another dimension, hahaha…
“Well not that… I’d just… I’d just prefer to… date men,” the further he got in the sentence, the quieter and smaller he sounded, as if confessing to breaking a very expensive vase.
Silence followed. Brandon was afraid to look to the left and see her facial expression, but thankfully that wasn’t required since she spoke after 30 seconds.
“What- Brandon, you’re… you like guys?” Her voice sounded careful and slow, like she was talking to a sick animal. And yet for some reason he didn’t turn this back into a joke, but barely nodded, just enough for her to see. “Huh.”
Oh, why didn’t he use his brain for once? What has he done? Obviously, she’s not gonna accept him, because he is weird. He’s a psycho. Why would he ever feel so confident before? Why would he ever think he was a normal human being and not a disgusting person with weird kinks?
“Well alright, “ he then heard.
...
Wait, that doesn’t sound right.
He swiftly turned around and looked at her with full-open eyes.
“What?”
“I mean… I’m sorry, I had no idea, “ she scratched her purple nails and looked at him too. She didn’t seem angry or shocked or disgusted…. Just kind of unsure? But wait,
“What are you sorry for?” Brandon said, surprised. “Why are you sorry?? I should be the one apologizing!”
“What? No! I… I’m sorry I asked you out! If I had known…”
“But you didn’t! That’s the point! You asked me out because I lied to you about this!”
“Did you? Because I don’t exactly remember asking you if you were into girls!”
…Wait, that’s actually a good point. So good that Brandon couldn’t find the words to continue the argument… This is an argument, right?...
“Wait…” his brain slowly started realising. “You don’t… think I’m weird?”
“What? Of course not! Okay, I can’t say that I’m familiar with it…” she started curling her hair around. “But it’s not the 20th century! I’ve heard of gay people AND you’re my friend, so of course it’s… of course you’re okay, Brandon.”
Oh. Okay.
He. is… okay.
…
Well… that feels nice. Brandon suddenly feels he’s allowed to breathe the same air as her again and he didn’t actually commit a crime of withholding information.
“Wow, umm…” Surely, it was a hard task to find the words, but he also felt the need to tell her so many compliments right now. “That… Thanks, Har, I’m glad we’re… I’m really glad we’re friends.”
“Oh shut up, don’t make me blush,” he did make her cheeks show a shade of pink. ”Did you actually think I’d hate you for liking boys?”
“Well, I didn’t know… It was probably stupid, “ everything he has thought of feels stupid now.
“Oh, you’re such an idiot!” She laughed and he felt overjoyed that it wasn’t the offensive and making fun of him kinda laugh, but instead the genuine and relieved one.” Oh my god, do you know what we should do? We should find you a boyfriend!!”
“Har! I just told you I…”
“I have no idea what you are talking about. You told me not to set you up with any of my girl friends. Now, this is a whole lot different, “ she said with full seriousness and proudly lifted her head up. “I get it, starting a relationship is big, but you gotta have a crush, so that we can talk about how hot he is…” She started tapping her fingers on the now empty plate and stared into a wall, deeply in thoughts, until it hit her. “Randy!”
Wait, no, I wanna go back.
“I thought we agreed he’s not a boyfriend type!” he blushed at the mere thought of Randy hearing them. And yeah, they didn’t actually agree, but in his head Brandon decided that they did.
“Well… true, but…” Har lowered her eyes and pronounced her words with a suspiciously slow tone. “I didn’t want to say anything, but now that I know you’re… you, I guess I might…”
“Get what?” Brandon’s curiosity was getting the best of him.
Har lowered her head conspicuously, so that she could speak more quietly and he followed her. “You know… His eyes.”
“What?”
“Have you seen those damn eyes?” she smiled.
It took him a minute to stop blinking and realise what she’s on about.
“Oh yeah, his eyes are hot as hell,” and with those words, his best friend snorted so hard he would remember the sound of her laugh for years to come.
He should have done this a long time ago.