Chapter Text
What Kyouka had been expecting to happen when she felt a bit nauseous and chilly was relatively different than what actually happened. Only slightly. Yeah. Only a little bit. Just a teeeenyyy tiny bit.
Bloody hell, was she wrong.
It started with a sore throat, the constant, unrelenting ache, the itchy-feeling and need to scratch at it, to make the feeling subside. Just something that would go away within a day or two.
Sure, she had a relatively low pain tolerance — which was strange, considering where she used to work, but she'd never questioned it. It'd just been a problem that she needed to solve. An issue that she needed to be rid of. Nothing more.
…
Then the shivers came. As she stared at the ceiling of her and Atsushi's apartment, something ran up her spine, dragging along it without a care in the world, yet also carrying intention.
Her shoulders curled inward, fingers digging into flesh as she clenched her thighs, knuckles shifting from her normal pale skin tone to a shade of white that put paper to shame.
After a moment, she realized that her breathing was shallow and ragged, chest constantly constricting and tightening. She lifted a shaky hand and scratched at her throat, pupils shaking in the sea of blue that was her eyes.
She clenched her jaw. No, she really should go to work… Mafia habits die hard, eh? But…
No, she remembered her conversation with the President.
—
“—and I trust that you know to stay home when you're feeling unwell?” Fukuzawa asked calmly, expression hard and unreadable.
Kyouka stared back into his deep blue eyes, her own cyan eyes showing nothing more than a serious aura, as well as a spark of determination. She nodded.
”Yes, President.” She replied, voice calm and soft as usual. For a moment, she saw a small hint of a smile on the man in front of her's face. It made something in her calm down a bit. While the room did contain a serious, no-fooling-around aura, it was also… Strangely comfortable. It made Kyouka feel welcome yet distant at the same time, and she wasnt sure what to think.
She felt herself slowly, almost warily smiling back. She… She was safe here. She could relax now. It was okay. She was safe here with Atsushi and all of his friends.
…
—
She'd grown much more comfortable here since then. She was able to walk in and greet everyone, care for plants with Kenji, snack with Ranpo when he was feeling generous, sit with Dazai, eat lunch with Atsushi…
It was nice. That was the best way she found to sum it up. She liked it here— she could even go as far to say that she loved it here. Everyone had made her feel so welcome, even on the first day— even while they knew everything she had done.
She'd killed 35 people.
Sha'd almost killed Atsushi.
Yet Atsushi saved her. He'd saved her, invited her to the Agency, made her feel welcome… He'd done so much for her out of the kindness of his heart. It made a small, almost unnoticeable smile come to her face.
Letting out a breath, she planted her shaking hands onto the bed and tried to sit up.
Dizziness crashed through her. She lost most sense of direction for a few moments, and she hardly even recognized the hands on her shoulders or the panicked voice speaking faintly in the background.
”—youka? Kyouka, a-are you okay? O-Oh god, you're burning up, um—”
Burning up? Was that what he said? Or did he said something about burgers? The thought of food made her nauseous, so she didn't want burgers right now…
“Burgers…?” She heard Atsushi mumble in confusion from next to her. Oh. She'd said that out loud, hadn't she…
Atsushi murmured something else, but it all seemed pretty fuzzy to her. Before she knew it, though, something cold and slightly damp was pressed to her forehead, and a hand on her shoulder gently pushed her down so she was laying flat on her back.
Somewhere in the ringing of her ears, she could make out Atsushi saying something along the lines of, “I'll be right back, I have to—”
“…please stay…” The words slipped out of her lips before she could stop them. Atsushi paused, glancing at her. She just continued to stare at the ceiling, eyes half-lidded and tired.
He watched her for a moment before his expression softened and he relented.
“Yeah… Yeah, okay, I'll stay.” He replied gently, sitting on the bedside.
Her gaze slowly, carefully drifted over to him. She could make out a small smile on his face, and the look in his eyes was both affectionate and concerned at the same time. A small, “thank you,” made its way out of her mouth, hardly above a whisper.
“Of course, Kyouka,” He said, a faint pink color dusting over his cheeks.
…
“I'll call out for the both of us.”
Was the last thing she heard other than the sound of a phone dialing before her eyelids fluttered, closing, and her breathing evened out.
—
Everything was weirdly fuzzy. Kyouka felt like she was floating. Floating in some endless, dark abyss, no light in sight. Nothing filtered through the darkness, no stars lit her way, no moon, no sun, no nothing. Just pure darkness.
”A flower that blooms in the darkness can only survive in the darkness. If it still seeks light, it will end up being burnt to a crisp with that blaze.”
Darkness…
Complete, utter darkness…
Mafia black…
35…
35…
35…
…
Voices melded together in the background, nothing but distant commotion.
Metal under her tongue, sliding in like a needle entering an open wound, then right back out again.
The faint, hardly noticeable beep of a machine, close yet far.
It was soft, muffled, but audible: “104°F… Kyouka-chan…”
“Don't you worry, Atsushi-kun! She'll be alright in no time, now that she has lil ol’ me around!”
An attempt to lighten the mood. A soft sigh was heard. Then footsteps. Kyouka couldn't tell if they were nearing or leaving.
A soft sigh escaped her mouth after a moment. Her eyes fluttered ever so slightly, but it didn't go unnoticed.
“Oh, Atsushi-kun— I think she's waking up…!” She heard a familiar voice call. Dazai?
Slowly, her eyes opened, a sea of sky-blue revealing itself to the world around, glinting in the light shining at it.
The light…
Hm…
The light simmered on her, filtering through from the window next to her. The curtains were closed, but a beautiful orange-ish-yellow seeped through the cracks. Kyouka stared for a moment.
It was warm against her skin, sending heat rushing through her cold body. She wasn't sure if she was actually cold or if she'd just been thinking that before, but the sunlight felt nice against her flesh.
The light brushed across her hands, then her chest, then her face. She didn't flinch, she didn't blink. She just stared…
“—youka-chan? Are you, um, there…?”
Kyouka's breath hitched slightly. That voice... She turned her head to face him.
“Atsushi…” She murmured softly, light blue eyes locking with a mix of deep violet and bright yellow. Huh… She never realized how much his eyes caught the sunlight.
Speaking of his eyes, they softened the moment his name slipped out of her mouth.
“Y-Yeah, yeah, I'm here. How are you?”
He asked quickly. Oh, he seemed… Anxious. Fidgety. Worried.
“Fine.”
She replied flatly, but couldn't help the softened tone that slipped through the cracks of the indifferent mask she'd used to shield her voice from any hints of emotion that could be used against her.
She knew she wasn't in the Port Mafia anymore. She knew she didn't have to be so protective about her emotions anymore. But it was an instinct, a habit. Something she had to work out of slowly. Mainly on her own time, but… maybe help wasn't so bad…
Atsushi had helped her. That had been nice. He'd saved her, not even caring about everything she's done, the lives that have been ended because of her very existence…
He'd given her a place in this world— a place in this world she didn't need to be ashamed about. Somewhere that she can be normal. Somewhere she can be cared for. Somewhere she could call home.
Home…
Hm…
She looked around the room. She was in thee same place as earlier, but she also just now noticed that Dazai was here, too. Oh, right, she'd heard his voice earlier. Wait, had she? Honestly, Kyouka had no idea if that had been real or just her imagination, but whatever.
Dazai just slipped a bowl of soup onto a table next to her. Silent yet caring, a kindness in the shadows.
Dazai liked to do that.
He didn't like people to know he did kind things.
He didn't like people to know that he was a part of something.
He didn't want to be a part of something.
There were some small things he would do that would go unnoticed by most, but Kyouka wasn't often qualified as “most”.
He would slid Yosano some migraine pills and a coffee when she was stressed or having a bad time in general. Organize Kunikida's desk on the few times where Kunikida was late because of bad sleep or something. Help Kenji with his plants when he was out on a job. Give the Tanizaki siblings a collection of happy movies to watch when they were stressed out. Hang out with Atsushi when he was feeling down, make him some tea and stay by his side until he calmed. Sit with Kyouka when she was doubting everything, just reassurance in the form of silence. He would scoot her bunny plush closer to her, maybe open a window if it was getting too hot or feeling a bit cramped.
He thought no one noticed. But little did he know, Kyouka always noticed. She would send him a look. A blank one. A blank one that still contained gratitude. A small smile.
Of course, Dazai would always notice. He would be a bit surprised that she noticed, but then he would smile back. Their silent affection had always been a thing. Not many noticed, but that was fine with them.
A gentle breeze hit her as Atsushi suddenly turned on the ceiling fan, snapping her out of her inner turmoil. A gentle whirring sound filled the apartment, ridding them of the silence that had been with them for a while now.
Fixing her gaze on Dazai, she nodded a quick thanks for the soup. He grinned at her and playfully saluted.
The man who wielded a smile like a mask. A shield of joy and teasing that he used to deflect attention off of him or his past, or even something as simple as why he wore bandages.
Again, no one else noticed; all they did was fall for the bait. Well, Ranpo and Yosano never did— they knew him too well for that. But everyone else always did. Whether it was teasing Kunikida or a suicide joke, the line always came up with a fish on the hook.
With a soft sigh, she scooped up the bowl of soup, careful not to touch the bottom of the hot bowl as to not burn her fingers. The spoon played around in the broth for a little bit. Then she finally ate some.
The moment it slid down her raw throat, instant relief spread through her as it soothed the scratchy feeling that had been at the back of her throat for a while now. It was the perfect temperature, hot but cold enough to eat. The taste was savory yet simple, easy to enjoy without overthinking. It was also seasoned perfectly.
Kyouka couldn't help the small, “mm” that escaped her as she took another bite of the soup.
Atsushi chuckled softly at her. “Enjoying it, huh?”
Kyouka continued munching on it and gave a content nod.
“Yosano-sensei said that soup would be good for you if you were sick, and Dazai apparently knew how to cook soup, so…”
Atsushi said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. Kyouka watched him for a moment, observing his nervous gestures and almost uncertain body language silently.
They were silent for a little bit longer. Kyouka wasn't exactly sure if it was comfortable or awkward. Eventually, she settled on both.
“Can I take your temperature again in a little bit, Kyouka-chan? I'd like to see if the soup made a difference.”
Kyouka nodded at Atsushi's request, feeling more warm broth slide down her throat, ridding her of the scratchy, rough feeling that she'd been living with since she woke up.
Suddenly, she felt a warm hand rubbing circles on her back as the bed dipped beside her. Looking to her right, she saw a familiar warm smile.
Kyouka felt a small smile gracing her lips as well. Atsushi never failed to make her happy.
“Do you want anything?” Atsusbi asked, tilting his head slightly like a dog would, which was relatively ironic.
Kyouka's gaze drifted downwards as she thought, looking at her hands.
“Do you have any tea…?” Tea would help her throat, right?
Atsushi blinked and a sheepish smile spread across his face. “Oh, yeah, I uh, asked Dazai if he knew how to make it earlier, so…”
Oh! Well, that was convenient.
The two sat in silence for a while. Slowly, Kyouka leaned her head on Atsushi's shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her. The empty bowl of soup lay forgotten on the surface next ot her as the two sat together in quiet comfort.
She'd forgotten how nice it was to jist… Relax. Sit down with someone close and just be in peace for a while.
The only noticeable sounds other than their soft breathing was the gentle whirring of the fan as it went, sending a faint breeze their way.
After a while of silence, Kyouka felt dead weight against her. It wasn't much, but as she glanced up, she realized that, oh, Atsushi had fallen asleep.
He'd fallen asleep leaned against her, arm limply wrapped over her shoulders, head resting on her own. He was warm, radiating with quiet positivity. The feeling of him against her cold body made her feel slightly less cold. Metaphorically and physically.
A quiet yawn escaped her lips, her eyes fluttering slightly.
Well… if Atsushi had fallen asleep…
Maybe she could sleep, too…
As she leaned against Atsushi, taking in his warmth, she felt her eyelids slowly start to droop, her body going limp against Atsushi.
She heard footsteps and the faint sound of a camera snapping a photo before sleep finally overcame her, and everything went dark.