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October 2020
It was threatening to rain when Mitch headed out to the parking lot where Scott had suggested they meet. It was the halfway point between their two homes which had seemed somehow appropriate. Even with nightfall approaching the heat was still oppressive for October and rainfall might have been cooling and welcome.
He almost didn’t make it.
Not far from the point where he’d arranged to meet Scott, he felt the familiar but almost forgotten surge of unwanted and unwarranted adrenaline. His palms became slick with perspiration on the steering wheel and blood pounded in his ears, almost drowning out the metallic thrum of music he had on much too loud. It had been a distraction-something to take his mind off the coming meeting, but it wasn’t working.
He couldn’t stand it any longer; the guilt, the sadness, and most of all, the pleading texts that came almost daily to remind him that he had unfinished business if he ever wanted any peace.
With a stream of expletives, he pulled over into a smaller outside parking lot so close to where he was heading that he could see the lights at the entrance.
Turning off the engine, he opened the car door and swung his legs out, his eyes still fixed on his destination. What was it? Maybe three hundred yards?
He dampened his lips with his tongue. There was little lighting in this lot, making the lights up ahead look even brighter; but even the brightness didn’t shake off the ominous pall that seemed to swirl in their glow.
Would Scott be there already? He glanced at his phone-he was a couple of minutes early. What if he had to sit and wait for him? Then- what if he didn’t turn up at all? What then?
‘Come on, you’re a big boy now,’ he murmured to himself. ‘It’s just Scott.’ Talking to himself didn’t seem to have the desired effect, and he sat, staring into the lights, until the first raindrops landed on his skin and he realised he’d sat there long enough to make himself late.
Scott would be there- waiting.
Swallowing hard he drove the remains few yards and up the ramp into the dimly lit parking garage just as the light rain turned into a downpour. It was eerily empty, and the sound of his engine echoed back to him, his tyres screeching as he cornered to climb to the third floor.
For a few seconds he could see no other cars, then caught movement out of the corner of his eye.
Scott.
Blood pounded in his ears and the skin of his neck prickled uncomfortably as he found a spot he felt easy with and backed into the space. it was close to the exit ramp and a good way from where he’d seen movement. He had seconds to wonder what his subconscious was trying to tell him before Scott appeared in the beam of his headlights.
He just stood there, white jacket and blue denim, hands shoved deep in his pockets, head lowered shyly as Mitch took his time closing his window and finally turning off the engine.
Just Scott- looking exactly the same as he had the last time he’d seen him back in April, and Mitch couldn’t help but return his tentative smile.
It was strange that he could actually see that smile. Masks had become so normal that It was actually weird to see someone without one these days, and yet he felt no apprehension knowing they’d both tested that same day.
He stepped from the car, and wrapped his arms protectively across his chest. Just Scott, looking pleased and friendly-but Mitch knew danger could lurk behind those blue eyes.
‘Creepy in here,’ he said, awkwardly.
Scott nodded once, then closed the few yards between them to pull Mitch into an embrace.
Tense at first, Mitch was immediately swaddled in his memories. The same cologne he’d worn for years, the way their height difference just fitted Mitch’s chin into Scott’s neck perfectly, the roughness of his beard against his skin…
‘Missed you.’
Mitch sagged into the hug. His chin nestled into Scott’s neck as it had always done, his arms linked behind Scott’s waist as if they had a mind of their own and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, wondering where they’d gone wrong; back when these hugs weren’t the rarity they were now.
‘Missed you too.’
It was too short. Scott gave him a final squeeze and pushed him away; his hands on Mitch’s shoulders holding him at arm’s length as his eyes travelled over him.
‘You look just as amazing as always,’ Scott murmured and pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘We need to mark the occasion.’ He pulled Mitch in again briefly to snap a selfie of the two of them and Mitch sighed. He absolutely knew that photo would be all over social media by the time he got home. Satisfied that the photo passed his scrutiny, Scott passed his phone to Mitch to look it over, and Mitch groaned. Neither of them smiling, and too much of the graffiti emblazoned ceiling in view.
Scott chuckled, pocketed his phone and looked Mitch over again.
‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that you might not turn up.’ He paused, and a frown knitted his forehead. ‘I’ve been so worried about you. You’ve seemed so… distant lately.’
The soft smile slid from Mitch’s face. ‘Way to go, Scott. Hello to you too.’ He knew he’d been distant, downright cold and distracted at times, but this certainly didn’t feel like the time to bring it up.
‘Sorry-Yeah- hi.’ Scott had the good grace to look a little embarrassed; the hands were back in the pockets now. Then, ‘I’ve bought us Starbucks.’
Mitch didn’t miss the quick change of subject.
Scott gently put a hand on Mitch’s back and steered him across the concrete to where his own car sat.
‘I can’t believe you still remember my order.’ Mitch couldn’t recall the last time they’d bought each other coffee. Once upon a time it had been an unofficial habit.
Scott, ever the gentleman, opened the door for Mitch to slide in, then slipped in beside him, handing him the familiar cup.
‘Why wouldn’t I? It hasn’t been that long.’
Mitch sat back with a sigh. There it was. Scott hadn’t even realised just how long it had been.
Scott was messing with his seatbelt, caught in the door, and Mitch took the opportunity to take a really good look at his old best friend. He looked well, he decided; he seemed to have lost a little weight, his left hand on the dashboard still bore the matching skull tattoo they’d gotten years ago. He didn’t know why he was surprised at that- after all, he still had his. His nails were well manicured too and not the bitten mess they had been at times. Clearly, Scott was doing well.
Seatbelt sorted, he turned to give Mitch another shy smile. ‘I’m so glad you came.’ Scott turned in his seat so he could see Mitch better; not that there was much Mitch to see at the moment as he had turned to gaze absently out his window.
‘I hate this- this awkwardness between us.’ Mitch said.
Scott lowered his eyes. He played with the plastic lid of his coffee cup. ‘Yeah, it hasn’t been exactly the best time of my life either. Sometimes I forget just close we were, you know? And that’s pretty scary.’
Mitch was aware of Scott’s heavy sigh. ‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. Still, he gazed out of the window, his voice little more than a whisper.
Scott threw his head back against the headrest, his eyes traveling over the car ceiling, clearly beginning to get frustrated. ‘Come on, Mitch- for god’s sake, don’t give me that guilty silence. This won’t work unless we actually talk.’ Scott’s voice was loaded with hurt, and now it was his turn to turn and gaze out of the window, not trusting himself. ‘We’ve both been to blame and you know it.’
Scott had Mitch’s full attention now. ‘I started it though. You know that if…’
The bang as Scott’s hand hit the console made Mitch jump. ‘You really need to stop shouldering all the fucking blame! I should have listened, Mitch! You tried to tell me how you felt over and over, and I was too wrapped up in myself to take any notice.’
It was so minor, Mitch recalled. A phone call he’d made to Scott back in April when he’d felt particularly sad. He’d just needed to talk to someone who knew what he was going through. He’d needed a different insight- an gay insight. Austin tried hard, but there were some things- gay things- he couldn’t quite grasp.
Cue Scott, he’d thought. But Scott had been too busy to speak to him. Apparently, he’d just come back from a walk with Bubba, and was shouting instructions to Mark to not let him go downstairs until his feet were washed. Then, Mark’s not so subtle loud whisper about going in the shower with the dog, and insinuating that Scott join him.
Mitch had just wanted-no- needed, a few minutes with his old best friend, but even that had been scuppered. Yes, he’d tried to tell Scott quickly how he was feeling, but it had been clear that Scott’s attention was definitely elsewhere. Mitch had hung up, deciding that there was no place in Scott’s life for him anymore.
There had been angry texts from Scott afterwards, accusing him of being an immature diva, and Mitch had simply ignored them rather than get into a shouting match. And yes, he had been pissed and immature.
Now, he’d realised that they had to speak. They were going to have to work together at some point once the pandemic was over. There were going to be tours, studio and writing sessions- and that would be unbearable if they weren’t speaking to each other; but Mitch knew things were going to be different from now on, once he’d severed the last of his remaining reliance on Scott.
He swallowed hard. He’d known that this was going to be hard when he’d been imagining it in his head, but the reality- with Scott sitting barely inches away, so close he could smell his cologne, was much, much worse.
The sound of his raised voice seemed louder in the confines of the car and Mitch was taken aback at just how much he wanted to get out and away. But he knew he had to see this through if he ever wanted any peace.
He decided there and then that Scott was right, that they had both been to blame. They just hadn’t tried hard enough. A phrase Mitch had uttered in a Superfruit interview in 2017 when they’d been asked about their friendship suddenly came to mind.
‘We’ve fought for it.’
There had been no fighting lately.
‘First of all- calm the fuck down,’ he began, his voice firm as some of Scott’s annoyance began to rub off on him, just ensuring the volume was lower. ‘Okay, I’ll accept that there was blame on both sides. But why the hell has it lasted this long?’ He paused to take a mouthful of coffee; his mouth felt like sandpaper.
Scott shrugged, his eyes suddenly distant as he recalled better days. ‘We’ve never fought since we’ve lived apart before. You were always right there beside me, Mitch-as close as you are now.’ His hand indicated the narrow space between them, and Mitch had to fight the urge to grab it and hang on for dear life. ‘We were forced to make our peace.’
Mitch considered his words. Was that true? He had to admit, he remembered one of their fights as clear as day- the day he had told Scott he was moving out. Feelings were hurt and there’d been an uncomfortable atmosphere for a few days until, as Scott recalled, they couldn’t stand it any longer. There had been hugs then too, and apologies.
‘Maybe living in such close proximity was easier. We were tripping over each other so we had to get over our disagreements, yes. But Mitch…’ Scott looked at him directly, and Mitch flinched at the sadness in his face. ‘I tried. I told you before how I tried to contact you and you wouldn’t answer. I texted- you didn’t answer. I even called at your house once…’
Mitch’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe Scott had actually come to his house. ‘You did? When?’
‘Does it matter? The point is that you didn’t answer the fucking door. Can you imagine how that felt? I’d worried about it for days-even Mark tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen. I came to you and…and you ignored me.’ Scott’s voice rose again, and Mitch’s mind raced frantically through the recent past when Scott could have been standing on his doorstep. If he had been in, then he would have heard him. After all, it was lockdown. But then- hang on.
‘Whoa-Mark tried to talk you out of it?’
There’d never been any love lost between Mitch and Mark. Mitch had never thought Mark was good enough for Scott, but then, he wasn’t sure anyone was. He’d held the man up on a pedestal for so long that it would have been practically impossible for any man to fill that space. But he had tried dammit- he’d tried so many times to first accept Scott’s relationship with both Mark and Mason, then his monogamous one with Mark.
And he was willing to carry on trying.
Scott had developed a pink glow. ‘I didn’t mean he didn’t want us to reconcile; he just didn’t want me to get hurt.’ There was an undercurrent of desperation in his voice. The last thing Scott wanted was for the gap to widen between them because the two men who’d been so pivotal in his life couldn’t get along. ‘Anyway- he was right, and I was hurt.’
Mitch did attempt to take Scott’s hand then, but the warmth of Scott’s fingers slipped out of his grasp as he pulled away from the contact. That hurt more than his words could, and Mitch took a shuddering breath. ‘I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry doesn’t seem enough….but you’re right…I could have made life so much easier for us if I’d just talked to you. I don’t know what I was doing that day, Scott, but believe me, I didn’t leave you standing outside my door on purpose.’ He still couldn’t think where he’d been that day. Scott must have seen his car and surmised he was at home, and since he never went to the store without his car, then he had either been picked up by Austin, or he’d headed out on one of his head clearing walks.
Scott grunted. ‘But you did ignore my calls and texts.’
Mitch nodded. ‘I did. I was scared…’
Scott interrupted quickly. ‘You were scared? Of me? Come on Mitch!’ He shook his head disbelievingly. ‘Of all the emotions you’ve thrown in my direction over the years, fear has never been one of them.’ He gave a huff, a wry smile lifting the corners of his mouth.
‘You don’t understand,’ Mitch insisted, slightly pissed that Scott hadn’t let him finish. ‘Not scared of you- scared of saying the wrong thing and making it worse. Scared of my own damned messed up self I suppose.’
‘You’re no more messed up than the rest of us, Mitchy.’ Scott’s voice was soft now. ‘This damned pandemic has sent the best of us cuckoo. Sometimes I go downstairs and just scream into my pillow to release some of the rage I feel at being so confined.’ He gave a little chuckle. ‘You know, at first I thought it was great- some time to song write and be with Mark.’ He laughed. ‘That excitement didn’t last long, and the less I did, the less I wanted to do.’
Mitch nodded. He knew exactly how Scott was feeling. ‘Same. I just want for it to be over.’ He raised his eyes to look into Scott’s, his own thoughtful. ‘I’m surprised you’ve handled it as well as you’re doing though. You’ve always been a people person.’
Scott gave a dark chuckle. ‘You mean the TikToks?’ He was back to lifting the plastic lid rhythmically with his thumbnail. ‘All phoney. The face I wanted the public to see.’
Mitch nodded slowly. ‘If it hadn’t been for having to concentrate on still putting out content, songwriting, and Austin’s visits, I think I’d have lost it completely. God knows I was close enough sometimes anyway.’
‘It’s been hard.’ Scott agreed. ‘Still is, even though things are relaxing a little. Still Mitch- if you’d just spoken to me-or any of us for that matter, then we wouldn’t have been so concerned.’
‘We?’ Mitch queried.
‘Yeah. We were all worried.’
Mitch’s attention snapped back to Scott.
‘We were inches away from an intervention, you know?’
Mitch was horrified. ‘What!?’
Scott extended a hand, a gentle squeeze on his arm intended to be calming but Mitch could barely feel it, his muscles were so tense. ‘I mean- what the fuck, Scott!’
‘It was after you did that livestream on the PTX account in a fetish mask…remember?’
Remember? How could he ever forget the stream of phone calls and texts afterwards? He’d thought it would be funny, cute; but it was when those communications started to come in that he’d realised that just maybe he’d overstepped the mark a bit. He was accused of being rebellious, even of trying to destroy the band’s brand- of having a fucking agenda for fuck’s sake!
He stared at Scott, eyes wide. ‘It was meant to amuse people, not to cause Armageddon!,’ he insisted. ‘Fuck you all. It was funny and it didn’t merit a fucking intervention!’
‘And that’s what Kevin said’.
‘I swear to god, Scott- if they ever turn up en masse…’
Scott had the nerve to laugh. ‘It might have been worth it to see your face…’
Mitch stared at him, astounded. ‘Hold on- that’s what Kevin said? You mean, you were all for it? ‘
Scott sighed. ‘It was my idea.’ He shrugged. ‘Sorry, again.’
He appreciated Scott’s attempt at making light of his revelation, but the thought of how close he’d come to having the four of them standing on his doorstep, made him feel physically ill.
‘I wish you’d never told me that.’ Now he was going to feel unbearably embarrassed the next time he laid eyes on his bandmates. I mean- had it really come across that badly to everyone but himself? He recalled the comments afterwards all seemed pretty amused and sweet; but had the fans all been secretly concerned?
‘It’s over now.’ Scott told him, gently. ‘We need to move on.’
Mitch nodded, and for a while they were silent; but it was a companionable silence that had never been unusual for them.
‘Come over tomorrow night?’ Scott finally broke the quiet. ‘We could do a Superfruit or something?’
Mitch froze. Superfruit. The legal contract that still bound them together even though they hadn’t done anything together for months. They’d basically left it dormant, a YT channel and Jnstagram basically abandoned-just where they’d left it.
Frankly, Mitch was shocked that Scott had even brought it up. ‘We really need to do something about that.’
‘I know, right? It’ll be fun!’
‘Not what I meant, Scott.’ Mitch said gently. He hated to burst Scott’s bubble, but they were here to do some straight talking. Seeing how animated Scott got at the thought of returning to their side project after nearly two years of nothingness, hurt him more than he thought possible.
Scott was looking at him quizzically. Bless him. He’d never been one to ‘get’ hints. ‘Then what? Music, you mean? You know we’ve still got plenty of…’
Mitch couldn’t stand it any longer. ‘No, Scott. I mean…’
He hesitated, looking at the enthusiasm on his companion’s face was heartbreaking. ‘I mean…we need to end it. Wind it up…officially. Dissolve the partnership.’
There. His final cutting of the cord.
Mitch watched the expression on Scott’s face slide away. ‘I’m sorry,’ he added quickly.
He’d expected the hurt when he’d decided weeks ago that he would approach the subject, but he hadn’t expected the look of betrayal Scott couldn’t hide. He looked, for a fraction of a second, as though he was about to burst into tears, but then his expression hardened. ‘I see.’
Mitch felt he should explain. Explain how inappropriate it would be now. Explain how proud he was of Superfruit and what they’d achieved together; how thankful he was to have experienced all that with his best friend at his side. But how he didn’t feel he could be that Mitch anymore.
Instead, he couldn’t say anything because it felt like there was a brick in his throat and his chest felt so constricted that his hand rubbed at it. He opened his mouth, but the sounds just wouldn’t come out.
‘Okay.’ Scott picked at his jacket cuff. ‘I suppose I should have expected this. Is this because of MG one? Is that what it is? You don’t want your creativity stretched too far?’
‘No.’ It was the only word he could get out.
Scott shrugged. ‘Doesn’t matter anyway.’ His expression changed to one of resignation. ‘If that’s what you want, I’ll get in touch with legal. We can probably do it online.’ He paused, and Mitch could see that although his words showed acceptance, he was still struggling internally; he wasn’t wrong. ‘Are you absolutely sure? ‘
Mitch swallowed what remained of his coffee. ‘Certain. Look Scott…I know you’ve been sort of hoping that we could revive it…’ He smiled gently now. ‘You’ve always loved pleasing the fans, and i’ve always loved that about you. I do see their posts, you know? But they’re hanging onto something that doesn’t exist anymore.’ He shifted uncomfortably, recalling the speculation and arguments online about their ‘true’ relationship.
They’d played up the sassy couple on their vlogs while verbally denying they’d been anything other than best friends; while in reality, it had all been going exactly the way they’d portrayed it. Then, other men had shouldered their way through their iron clad co-dependence, and they both found new and exciting love outside. That was, until Mitch’s relationship had ended just in time for a pandemic to start.
Mitch dropped his empty cup into the paper bag it had come in. As he placed it back into the footwell, Scott suddenly grabbed his hand in his own and laid their fingers with their matching skull tattoos next to each other. ‘Remember the day we got these?’ He was smiling wistfully now.
‘Of course,’ Mitch grinned. ‘We were a little bit drunk if I recall.’
‘A little bit?’ Scott was laughing quietly now, and Mitch moved his fingers to encircle Scott’s. ‘We thought we were invincible. Soulmates.’
Mitch rubbed at the back of their joined hands. ‘We were…we just grew up. You have Mark now and a beautiful future to look forward to.’
‘And you? Scott asked, his blue eyes searching Mitch’s. There was concern in that gaze.
Mitch gave a half hearted laugh. ‘There’ll be someone, somewhere, someday. You don’t need to worry about me, babe- honestly. I guess I just need some more free time until I look for something more permanent.’
‘I’ll be manifesting that for you.’
Mitch couldn’t help but laugh. Scott had always been the one who struggled being in his own; whereas Mitch couldn’t say he enjoyed it, but he’d probably managed better than a lot of people.
‘So are we okay now?’ Scott asked, hopefully.
Mitch took a deep, relieved breath. ‘Of course we are. I promise I won’t ghost you again…’ he gave a chuckle. ‘Unless you do something really fucking stupid!’
Scott nodded. ‘And I promise I won’t do anything really fucking stupid- and that I swear I’ll listen better in future.’
Mitch had to smile at the overdone contrite expression. ‘And the Superfruit thing? You’re not gonna keep throwing that back in my face?’
Scott scratched his beard thoughtfully. ‘Ummm’.
‘You’d better not fuck this up now, Hoying,’ Mitch said playfully.
‘Okay- deal.’
Mitch held out his hand to shake, but it was so much better when Scott leaned over, arms open for a hug. ‘Can we just…’
Mitch didn’t need to be asked twice.
As he drove home a few minutes later, Mitch felt light- almost euphoric, and it dawned on him just how much the whole situation had been weighing him down.
Now that their personal situation had been sorted, he hoped that their professional one wouldn’t have been irrevocably damaged. But that was something for the future. Right now, he was just going to enjoy looking forward to the first full night’s sleep he’d had in five months.