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It must’ve been a dream that just now you were
Gently patting my shoulders
You watched me until I fell asleep
Then hugged me without saying anything
The first thing that Hyukjae sees when he wakes up in the morning is Kyuhyun’s sorrowful face. They’ve been spending all night crying in each other's embrace until they’re tired and fall asleep. He traces the trail of tears on Kyuhyun’s sleeping face, Kyuhyun’s head still laying on his arms while Kyuhyun’s arms still circling his waist tightly. Hyukjae pulls him closer, feeling their heartbeat synchronized and tears start forming again in his eyes. He spends the remaining minutes to hug sleeping Kyuhyun before he has to go. He needs to go before Kyuhyun awake, hoping that it will hurt less like that.
He replaces his arms with a pillow slowly and carefully to not wake Kyuhyun up. He leaves a kiss on top of his head and leaves him without a word.
Kyuhyun opens his eyes as soon as he hears the door being closed. He has been awake for a while but he choose to pretend to be sleeping because he believes they will be broken over and over again if they had a chance of saying goodbye to each other. He sits up and hugs himself, trying to feel the hug that Hyukjae gave to him just a while ago. He noticed that there’s a blue shirt left beside him, Hyukjae’s shirt that Kyuhyun once said he likes so much. He takes the shirt and holds it tight, laying back on the bed and letting out all out tears that he’s been holding while he pretends to sleep before.
Yes, we broke up today
Now I have to leave behind all our memories
The pain, love, and your warm touch, and pretending like
Nothing happened, I need to look for another place
Hyukjae knows that their break up was inevitable but yet, it still makes his heart ache so bad at some point he just wants to go back to meet Kyuhyun since he’s the only one that can make the pain go away. But he can’t, he already knew since the beginning that eventually his heart will fall into pieces in the end but the love that he felt back then - the love that he still has until now is something that is worth falling for. And still, just because he knew that everything will come to an end from the beginning, doesn’t mean that it will hurt less when the time comes. He tries to look around the airport lounge which is now full of so many people to distract himself from the pain but it just reminds him of how they used to wait in the airport lounge together with excited hearts, heading for places that they can create memories to.
He looks down and sees the blue bracelet with a moon-shaped diamond encircling his wrist, a gift that Kyuhyun gave to him on his birthday a few months ago. They had a simple birthday celebration in their apartment, just the two of them with Kyuhyun cooked a special dinner, as Hyukjae preferred it that way. They just finished their dinner when Kyuhyun asked him to close his eyes. The next thing he knew, a beautiful blue bracelet had been put neatly around his wrist when he opened his eyes. It’s so beautiful that it left Hyukjae speechless and frozen for a while.
“You can just say thank you and I love you, you know. Don’t think too much to search the words” is what Kyuhyun said back then after seeing Hyukjae all frozen and confused. Hyukjae didn’t reply and jumped to Kyuhyun instead, hugging and kissing him.
“Yes, it’s so beautiful that no words can explain it well enough. Thank you. I love you so much” Hyukjae replied with a wide smile after they parted from the kiss.
The memories that flashed in his mind made the pain in his heart gradually become more and more big. He takes his glasses from his bag, covering his already swollen eyes that starts forming tears for countless time today.
Rubbing my weary eyes, I looked for you
I was worried that you might get hurt
I, who was there for you, will no longer be by your side
So you have to be strong
Kyuhyun gathers all his remaining strength after so much crying and gets up from his bed to continue to prepare since he needs to go also for the next day, leaving all the memories behind forever. The time that he spent with Hyukjae was the happiest moment of all his life, his life was nothing more than a cloudy sky before he met Hyukjae that turned his life to a bright sky full of sunshine and rainbows.
He opens their shared closet and finds there’s nothing of Hyukjae's things left and it makes him on the verge of the breakdown again. He takes a deep breath and starts to take out his own clothes, that’s when a piece of paper comes out and falls to the floor with the front side facing upright.
It’s a photo of both of them in the hospital, when Hyukjae suddenly fainted after he got home at night due to a whole day of skip eating just because he’s too busy that day and forgot that he hadn’t eaten yet for the whole day. Hyukjae marked that day as the most embarrassing day of his life since basically he fainted just because he’s hungry but Kyuhyun choose to preserve the moment and had it printed, to remind Hyukjae that if he’s not taking care of himself simply by not skip eating, the embarrassment moment will happen again.
He smiles for a while, remembering that even after that day, Hyukjae still frequently skips his meal when he’s too busy studying so Kyuhyun needed to check on him frequently and scolded him.
His smile fades instantly when he realizes that he is no longer by Hyukjae’s side to keep reminding him and scolding him. He shrugs on the floor while holding the photo, feeling the coldness on the floor, hoping that it can help him forget all those memories.
Perhaps it was around this time last year
When I was carelessly spending the day
I got to know you and fell in love
The times we used to embrace and love each other
Their relationship started in a very simple and in a cliche way. Two people who went to the same university and lived in the same building, thousand miles away from their home country, met in the same class that they took. For Kyuhyun, his life path has been decided by his parents since the day he was born. Coming from a prestigious family, his parents already choose which school and university he needs to go where he needs to study hard to always be the best, who he'll be friends with, and who he should marry. He followed all the paths that have been set by his parents without any objection, thinking it’s just the way it is and there’s no other choice. He never lived the life that he wants since he never actually has any desire to want something, that’s how his life became a dark cloudy sky without him realizing.
His parents sent him to a university in the Western Europe to study business management for 2 years, that’s where he met Hyukjae. It’s his last study before he needs to marry the woman that has been chosen by his parents and take a strategic position in his family company.
It didn’t take long for him to get close to Hyukjae who shared the exact same background and story with him, down to each detail with the family business thing and arranged marriage. They found comfort in each other through the same experience they have been through in their life, life that has made them to this point - living alone away from family and so far away from home. They started to spend their time together both inside and outside university and getting closer in no time.
We met under the twinkling starlight
And as it got deeper as time passed by
It was barely one month after their first meeting when they started to realize their feelings towards each other. It was late night already when they left the university library, studying hard for their assignment. They walked together to their apartment, enjoying the quiet night with clear night sky - so clear that they could see the moon and the stars so visibly. They passed by a park when suddenly Hyukjae asked Kyuhyun to stop and sit on a bench nearby to enjoy the beautiful sky that the night offered. They sit side by side in silence. Hyukjae’s gaze kept sticking to the moon above them so immersed that he didn’t realize that Kyuhyun had been staring at him for quite a while. Kyuhyun remembered Hyukjae once told him that he loves the moon so much he had a dream to go to a place where he can see the moon so big and clearly but he hadn’t had a chance yet to go there since he never had time. Kyuhyun never loved anything in life nor he had a dream so he couldn’t relate to Hyukjae’s story. But that night, he fell in love for the first time, and he dreamed of being together for a long time with the very first person that he ever loved, the man in front of him.
Kyuhyun moved his hand slowly and held Hyukjae’s hand beside him without saying anything, making Hyukjae turn his head facing him. They stared at each other for a few moments, until Hyukjae leaned closer and Kyuhyun closed his eyes, feeling their breath so close to each other for a few seconds before their lips met for the first time.
The kiss was so soft and slow. Their fingers intertwined in their joint hands while Hyukjae’s other hand slowly caressed Kyuhyun’s cheek and Kyuhyun’s hand firmly grabbed Hyukjae’s shoulder. They took long minutes before parting, staring at each other with a grimming smile on both faces and throwing themselves into each other's arms in a loving hug.
“I love you” Hyukjae whispered on Kyuhyun’s ear
“I love you too” Kyuhyun replied while tightening the hug. They stayed like that for a while before continue to walk to their apartment while never letting go of each hands.
I recited each line
A song I sing to you with my heart
Soon after, Hyukjae moved into Kyuhyun’s apartment and they almost never separated ever since. Their love grows deeper as the time goes by, coloring their life which originally only had a gray shade, giving the ray of sunshine in their life which was only a dark cloudy sky before they met. Finally they’re doing something that really comes from their heart, without any dictation from their family as it always has been. They finally learned how to live and how to love.
They attended the class and studied hard together during the day and slept within each other embrace during the night each and every day. They visited some place together during the vacation time and from that they both learned that nothing is more peaceful than sitting on the seaside enjoying the sea breeze while wrapped into each other's arms. Together they enjoyed the happiest moment of their life, creating a lot of beautiful memories and putting aside on becoming the perfect person that their families expect them to be.
It’s a lie if said that they never feel anxious about their relationship that had its own term since they started. There’s no forever of lifetime in their love dictionary. There’s no happily ever after in their fairy tale life. This anxiousness finally being brought up one day after almost a year of them being together.
They snuggled on the couch on a cold Saturday night covered by warm blankets as their bodies melted into one, watching a romantic movie with a sad ending. Kyuhyun could hear Hyukjae sobbing towards the end of the movie and he tightens his embrace to comfort him. Kyuhyun was already familiar with Hyukjae’s soft heart that is so soft he easily cried every time there was a sad scene in the movies they watched. The sobbing ended when the movie was over. Kyuhyun stared blankly at the screen, contemplating whether he should say things that've been bothering him for quite a while now. The thought about it made him feel pain in his chest, but he decided just to let it out.
“Hyukjae” he called Hyukjae who still in his arms with Hyukjae’s head lied on his chest.
“Yeah”
“Don’t you think we shouldn't be doing this?”
Hyukjae’s heart crushed on the question. He knew it well, he’s been worried too and gave a lot of thought to whether they should end it as soon as possible before he fell too deep and couldn’t escape. But he fell too deep already since the beginning and he just finally felt pure happiness for the first time in his life. He didn’t want those happiness to end, not when it was not yet the time it had to end.
He pulled away from Kyuhyun’s arms and sit straight up facing him. His both hands reached Kyuhyun’s hands and held them tight while his eyes looked fondly into Kyuhyun’s heartbroken eyes.
“Are you feeling unhappy?” Hyukjae asked Kyuhyun with a very soft tone.
“I’m happy, really happy. This is the happiest time of my entire life at the point I’m start to thinking if I’m deserve to be this happy” Kyuhyun ducked his face and avoided to meet Hyukjae’s eyes.
“You deserve this. We deserve this” Hyukjae cupped Kyuhyun’s face and lifted it to meet with his gaze “Do you love me?” He asked.
“I love you. I love you so much. That’s why I think we shouldn’t… we shouldn’t… the thought of letting you go someday makes me…. Hyukjae I really love you, I won’t stop loving you. But we….” Kyuhyun choked and couldn’t continue his words.
Hyukjae pulled Kyuhyun’s face closer and captured his lips with his own, trying to transmit all the assurance through a soft kiss.
“If you’re happy and you love me, then don’t worry about other things. Just stay by my side, I will love you with all I have. Don’t think about the future, just stay here with me in the present, enjoying all the happy moments together” Hyukjae said while caressing Kyuhyun’s cheek, wiping the tears that had already fallen on it. Kyuhyun just nodded and smiled before he climbed on Hyukjae's lap and pulled him closer to lock their lips lovingly. He wrapped his arms around Hyukjae’s neck as their lips danced passionately to a sweet melody that only they could hear, trying to soothe all the worries away so they could just live happily as they should be.
Rubbing my weary eyes, I looked for you
I was worried that you might get hurt
When all their friends were cheering and celebrating on graduation day, they both couldn’t do the same. But still, they tried to maintain a cheerful face during the celebration with their college friends and that face turned to dark instantly when they arrived in the apartment. Both were lying on the floor while holding hands without saying anything, the pain in their heart was just so big that there’s no words that could express it.
They managed to convince each of their parents to extend their stay for one month more with all the academic things related excuses that they could find. The truth was they tried to extend their finish line as long as they could. Be with each other for a little longer - each time matters, every each day matters, every each minute is precious. They took that one month never separated even just for a while, going for a place that they’ve been wanting to go. Doing the thing that they've been wanting to do.
But at the end, they reached the finish line of their relationship and there’s nothing that they could do about it. The day has finally come when they need to end their dreaming-like life for the past 2 years. The day when they need to go back to Seoul, be the kind of person that they expected to be, marry the woman that they have zero feelings for. For them, it’s a cruel fate that they can’t avoid and they just have to endure it for the rest of their life.
I, who was there for you, will no longer be by your side
Hyukjae rubs his eyes as he can feel the sunlight entering his room. With eyes still closed, he extended his hand, intending to pull closer the person beside him into a hug but all he could reach was just a thin sheet. He opens his eyes and realizes that there is no one beside him anymore. For the first time in 2 years, he wakes up alone in the morning without Kyuhyun beside him. He curls on his bed while his finger clutching on the bed sheet beside him, trying hard to hold his tears from flowing again.
So you have to be strong
Kyuhyun can see a woman who his family has chosen to be his soon-to-be wife is already waiting for him to pick him up as soon as he steps outside from the airport. He turns around and looks for the nearest bathroom since he needs to get a grip of himself before he steps into the reality world. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, a trace of tears still clearly seen in his face due to so much crying on the plane even at some point he received a worried look from the flight attendant, asking if he’s sick or something, makes Kyuhyun had to pull dumb excuse that he’s just had a really watery eyes.
He washes his face, takes a deep long breath for a few times trying to erase the pain in his heart and walks towards the woman that has been waiting for him.
You know, you can’t be swayed by your habits
Even if I miss you, I can never let myself get weak
6 months have passed with them not seeing nor contacting each other ever since they arrived in Seoul. On one day when the gray sky lingered all along the road, a strange twist of fate played with them.
Kyuhyun walks around inside the antique store with his fiancée when a moon-shaped music box grabs his attention. He lifts the thing and looks at it attentively when he hears someone talking behind him.
“Such a pretty music box. You better buy it before someone get it first”
One simple sentence from the voice behind him suddenly makes his heartbeat increase rapidly and the pain in his heart that he has been trying hard to erase for the past 6 months slowly comes back.
He freezes for a few seconds before turning back and sees Hyukjae standing behind him with a bitter smile, with a woman linking his arm beside him.
“Hey Kyuhyun, long time no see”
“Oh, hi” Kyuhyun answers with a stuttered voice.
“Who is it?” asks the woman beside Hyukjae.
“One of my college friends when I studied abroad. Say hello” Hyukjae answers and the woman nods politely to Kyuhyun, makes Kyuhyun back to his senses and he proceeds to introduce his fiancée to Hyukjae and to the woman beside him.
“You want to catch up with your friend, babe? I can go home first if that’s the case” Kyuhyun’s fiancée asks, there’s a tint of caution in her voice. Kyuhyun is not sure if he wants to talk with Hyukjae again, afraid that he can’t let go of him this time.
“Yeah Kyuhyun. Let’s grab a coffee if you’re not busy” Hyukjae answers her after a few seconds of silence because Kyuhyun still stays quiet. “Sorry I can’t drive you home, it’s been a while since the last time he and I met. I will call you” Hyukjae turns to talk to the woman beside him.
“It’s okay. Have fun” the woman replies and leaves him alone with Kyuhyun as Kyuhyun’s fiancée starts to leave too.
“Do you want to take that? If not, I will. I’ve been eyeing that since I entered this store” Hyukjae asks while eyeing the music box that is still held by Kyuhyun the entire time.
Kyuhyun surprised as he doesn’t realized that the music box is still in his hand “Oh you can have it” he handed the music box awkwardly.
“Thank you. I will pay this and then we can go”
They go to the cafe not far from the store. They sit in a small corner with a big window beside it, pretending to enjoy their drinks as no one starts talking since they got there.
“So when is the big day? She seems like a nice woman” Hyukjae breaks the silence that has been suffocating both of them.
“End of next month. You?”
“Next week”
“Oh”
“Does she know about us? She seems have that understanding look”
“I don’t know. I never talked about us to her. Maybe she get the hint from somewhere, I don’t know”
“Yeah. It’s better like that”
Silence again. Hyukjae turns to his side and looks outside the window as he hears the loud sound of thunder from afar that grabs his attention. The sky looks so dark even though it’s still in the middle of the day. Not long after, rain starts to fall so hard like the dam of the sky has broken. He turns his face to Kyuhyun who is now sticking his gaze intensely at his coffee with both hands surrounding the cup seeking for warmth. Hyukjae sighs deeply, one of his hands moves forward to reach for Kyuhyun’s hand and holds it softly.
Kyuhyun starts to feel pain in his chest again as he realizes how right it feels to be held by Hyukjae. He can feel the warm feel on his face as tears start forming in his eyes and he starts sobbing.
“It’s hard…. It’s really hard…. I couldn’t even breathe properly each day because I keep thinking about you even though it’s been months already. I miss you. I need you in my life” Kyuhyun mutters with a broken voice.
“I know…” Hyukjae tightens his hold in his hand “I can’t even count how many sleepless nights I’ve had because you weren’t there beside me. I can’t stop thinking about you, about us” He’s trying hard to stay calm even though tears starts to flowing to his cheek already.
“Do you think we can endure this for the rest of our lives?”
“I don’t know if we can” Hyukjae sighs while caressing Kyuhyun’s hand gently “But we should” he closes his eyes and take a deep breath “Now it’s all just memories that we should leave behind”
“Let’s hope that we will never meet again”
“Yeah let’s pray harder”
They already talked about this before they separated, whether they chose to keep in contact and be friends or they cut it out completely. They choose to cut it out completely because their love is just too big that they knew they couldn’t bear seeing each of them together with another person.
They sit in silence with no sound but the rain, as if it were pouring out all the sorrow and despair within them.
You have to be strong and hold on
You know it won’t be easy
Hyukjae let go of his hand soon after the rain stopped and stands up “I better get going” He walks pass Kyuhyun and give the gentle pad to his shoulder “I know you can do it, you are strong enough” he sighs “We are strong enough”
Kyuhyun grab Hyukjae’s arms before Hyukjae can walk away “If someday we bump into each other like today, let’s pretend that we don’t know each other”
“Agree, let’s do that”
Kyuhyun lift his head to meet with Hyukjae’s eyes “Take care Hyukjae, I hope happiness finds you again someday”
“You take care too. I hope there will be a time when your life will be full of sunshine again”
The pain still invades their heart when they parted, but they manage to give their best smile to each other for the last time, letting go of the thing that once painted their world with laughter and light.
It’ll pass quickly like a rain shower