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“The truth is…I dreamed about you. You walked into the sea alone. And no matter how many times I called out to you, you wouldn’t turn around.”
My initial reaction was one of shock and yet, it was the way you made me feel so seen in that moment that actually caused me to freeze, casting my eyes downwards so you wouldn’t see the storm brewing in my soul. I wondered if you could tell that your dream mirrored my own fears of you leaving me–that’s been the case before, you know…whether it was deliberate or not. Instead of making the moment more somber, I did what I do best. I swallowed down whatever I was feeling to prioritize giving you the reassurance I could sense you needed. Do you know that your well-being matters to me more than my own? That I’d rather drown in my own self-loathing and anguish than see a single tear sliding down your face or a frown taking your smile’s place? I can deal with my dark cloud later…
…And that’s exactly what I did: after I dropped you off and made sure you got in your building safely, as I was driving back to my studio, and as I sank myself into the bathtub in my bathroom, that’s when the thoughts came flooding back —
Ever since we came back from Jewel Reef, awakening the power of the Sea God and the Deep Sea, I’ve been feeling a fear that grips me like the strongest vice. The fact that it took you to activate our bond for me to snap out of the trance-like state I was in, possessed by that power…your dream could actually become reality! I told you that no matter what predetermined ends end up taking place due to this circumstance, I can’t refuse because I answered the call…I put us in this predicament, so I wouldn’t even be upset if you begin hating me when I do leave. I told you with absolute certainty that I don’t want to leave you…
I fell asleep in the tub that night and when I woke up it was time for me to go to the airport to start this small exhibition tour. Of course, my mind’s jumbled condition didn’t leave me alone because even as I began introducing the theme to guests a rotation of self-deprecating convictions made their way to the forefront —
Even with all that meticulous planning, you’re still not going to be able to evade the fate you and your bride exist to experience…tch, so much for that, huh?
You think she’s gonna wait for you, or better yet, chase after you after you leave her? Puh-leaseeee, think again!
Then, as I left Thomas to speak to the patrons as I strolled around the venue, checking for curatorial flaws, more of my fearsome ruminations began to take hold —
What if I scare you when whatever is supposed to happen comes to pass? Worse, what if I put you in harm’s way? I’d never forgive myself! I know you’re my strong and capable Miss Bodyguard, but I couldn’t fathom you getting hurt, even when I’m not myself…
What if I fail again?
Snapping back to reality, I’m able to take a deep breath and mask my inner turmoil when I sense a presence beside me. Thomas is next to me, the both of us standing next to a painting of gloriosas. He asks me if there’s anything that needs to be added and I say that there is, but I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. He tells me that it’s fine to mull it over as there’s still a little over three weeks before the last exhibition back in Linkon. I tell him that I appreciate the leniency - he must know I’m stressed about something - and heading back to my hotel room, I decide to finally check my phone to see if there’s any updates from you…and there is! With a stupid smile on my face, I open our text log to see that you’ve randomly questioned what my favorite seafood dish is…and this led to a fierce debate that went a little something like this...
my anchor ⚓️: rafa, what’s your favorite seafood dish?
me: dun make fun of me, but it’s something really simple and that’s blackened salmon
my anchor ⚓️: *buzzer noise* nope, that’s not it
me: whaddaya mean that not it?
my anchor ⚓️: you failed the test. it’s actually shrimp.
me: you said favorite not best, excuse you
my anchor ⚓️: oh, i didn’t know you knew the difference. anyway, shrimp is still the correct answer
me: mmhmm, but if I said you dun even know what caviar tastes like cus ur poor, i’m the bad guy
my anchor ⚓️: first of all, rude. second, do you really have no rebuttals?
me: you want a rebuttal, huh? shrimp are the cockroaches of the ocean. you wanna eat roaches?
my anchor ⚓️: what? nooooo! ugh, then i like crabs. think you can beat that?
me: puh-leaseeee, crabs are just temu versions of lobster
my anchor ⚓️: ok, now you’re just being rude…this was supposed to be fun
With a satisfied cackle, I goad you on even after you say…
my anchor ⚓️: see that’s why Reddie’s fat
me: and you think body shaming our son is supposed to hurt my feelings, cutie? think again!
my anchor ⚓️: ugh! i give up~~~ Rafa, I’m getting all whiny bc I miss you!
me: what if I told you that I miss you more? you’d believe me, riiiight?
my anchor ⚓️: yeah yeah, you can miss me all you want, but you couldn’t possibly love me more than I love you
me: pfffft! really? how much u wanna bet?
Now, of course I won that debate! You put up quite a fight, though, so I commend you there! I couldn’t stop the slow smile that spread across my face when you told me you missed me; a feeling akin to new life entering this world blooms throughout my body and it feels like I’m floating. The haunting thoughts that’ve been plaguing my mind since I left have never been quieter and I am caressed by serenity. Noticing how our conversation is starting to slow down, I take the opportunity to look for flights back to Linkon. I’m planning on getting there as early as possible, so I filter the search to where the departure and arrival times are set to the morning. Thankfully, it doesn’t take too long for me to make my choice and as soon as I click ‘Book Flight’ a giddiness floods my nervous system. Looking at my phone again, and with renewed mental clarity, I read a text from you telling me not to worry about finding a venue for the last exhibition as you were going to take care of that…ah, cutie, if only you knew how much that made my heart smile. You told me that you’ve been searching for places that exude that ‘Rafayel grace’ and are natural as I had pointed out at Charles’ Botanic Garden. I replied with a winking emoji and said ‘I appreciate that, cutie! I’ll be seeing you soon, yeah?’ and that night, I went to bed knowing I’d be seeing you in three days.
—
When it was finally time to head back to you, I made sure to send you voice notes–something about a package being delivered to the studio and me wanting you to check it and sending me a video with you in it to ‘verify’. In reality, the same day I bought the plane ticket back to Linkon I was also shopping around for a dress that sort of matches a dress shirt in my closet. I ended up seeing a dress I knew would fit you so perfectly and make whatever date we went on even more romantic so I bought it and that’s what is actually at my studio waiting for you. By the time I arrived, you were already unboxing the dress with confused delight - I saw the way your eyes lit up, cutie - and that was when I decided to make my presence known. Relishing in your surprise, I strode up to you and pulled you into my embrace. When I pulled away and grabbed for the dress to hold it against your frame, I felt such a gratifying sense of pride to have found something that would beautifully complement your stunning countenance. When you tell me you have a surprise for me as well, I already know that you’ve found the venue for my last exhibition…you called it telepathy, right? Surely you know by now it’s because of our bond…
On the way to the venue, with the light music playing in the car and the perfect weather, the windows half way down and tendrils of your hair dancing in the wind, the embellishments of your dress catching sunlight and the scenery all around us as we drove farther into the forest, all I could think about was how utterly content I was being near you again after nearly two weeks away. You have no idea of the kind of torment my mind conjured up just with you telling me of your dream…Pushing the dread in my chest back down, I follow your instructions and stop the car at the railway tracks. Taking note of the tourist train that’s in disrepair, my gaze follows the tracks to the view across the lake and lands on a lush field of purple. I can make out an abundance of wisteria trees, lilacs, and other flowers that aren’t recognizable to me from here. So that’s why you picked this place, huh? I knew I could trust your vision. I’m in perfect hands! Turning back around, I see you leaning on the trunk of my car ready to get to work on the dilapidated train.
As time passes and we continue painting, I notice you’ve gone quiet so I ask if anything’s on your mind - you’re not still thinking about me leaving you, right? You tell me how you’ve always found peace looking at the ocean, but didn’t know painting it could bring the same feeling. For some reason, the way you said that makes me think that you’ve indeed continued to dwell on it, after all, we are connected. I notice your reaction, the halting of your hand as I ask if you’ve been stressed lately, the slight twitch of your lip as you push the thoughts away before you tell me that “it’s about something far in the future.”
But baby, I fear it’s closer than we think…What you say prompts my need to smother your worries away so I start firing off random questions to take your mind off it even though mine are still there. With our beautifully painted ocean on the tourist train, we’re ready to traverse to the other side where that purple sea waits for our presence. As the train departs and I elaborate on those questions saying that I believed that everything should have an ending and being curious about them long before they arrive, I mention how my perspective’s changed. Soon, my attention’s stolen by the way the lake’s blue seamlessly blends with the sky, clouds reflected on the water’s surface so clearly it’s surreal. The beauty laid out before me compels me to start sketching, so I pull out my notebook and begin when I hear your voice reminding me about what I was telling you earlier.
One thing that I can say is when it comes to us, I’m glad we can have difficult conversations and that there’s active attempts to communicate the things we feel. Every time I’m made aware of that, I feel so glad that I decided to trust you and open up to you, albeit gradually since I gave you such a hard time…Before I left for the exhibitions overseas, I remember you saying that it’s better to be brave in the face of things coming to an end. I tried to keep repeating that to myself while I was away from you and I think that especially with you next to me now it’s reinvigorated me. You saying that is what changed my perspective of endings, so I tell you…
“But sometimes I think that…what I believed to be an ending might not really be the end, you know. It’s like how a river flowing into the sea doesn’t actually end. The seawater will become rain and fall again. No one knows where the end is or whether things will end in the next moment. What we think has left us has just found another way to stay by our side. Maybe I should cherish the journey I share with the people around me instead of searching for endings.”
I don’t know whether I’m saying this to comfort myself more or you, but even so I can’t help the sense of foreboding that still washes over me with the uncertainties of the near future. I just want to be as strong as I can for you, even though you’re MY anchor.
As I let my words sink in and take root in your heart, as I watch the way they soothe the furrow in your brow and bring the light back into your eyes you agree with me and we finally arrive on the side of the wisteria grove. Before you even say anything, I know this is the perfect spot to hold my last exhibition and just like that, inspiration strikes and allows me to lock in for my centerpiece.
—
Returning to the studio from the grove was filled with overjoyed giggles, hand holding (with your thumb rubbing circles on my knuckles), and multiple glances at each other. I honestly don’t know what came over me up on that wisteria tree, but sometimes when I can’t express myself verbally I just let my actions take precedence…wait, you know this already. It could’ve been because of the fact that you took so much time to carefully select a place that you felt screamed me or maybe it was because I just wanted to quiet that storm in my soul (and yours) again; it could’ve also just been because of the fragrance that was wafting around us and for being in a romantic setting. Either way, the giddiness that we feel in this moment is a sensation that I wish could last forever.
It stays with us well into the night when we bathe together - your back against my chest as you play with the suds and I press pebbled kisses to your shoulder - and when we eat dinner (some landlubber meal you wanted to cook for us). You even followed me into the art room while I worked on my centerpiece just to yap about how much you missed me while I was away and that’s when the blush that always appears under my eyes, spreading to my ears, began to make its presence known and you think it’s just the cutest thing, yeah? Even later into the night, as we lay in the bedroom looking out into the night sky past the glass dome, our bliss was still tangible. You were trying to count the stars, but barely any were visible so you opted to count my moles instead…you’re so endearing, cutie! And then, slowly but surely, as you had one leg draped around me and snuggled into my side, I heard the sounds of you breathing steadily. When I lifted my head to confirm you were asleep, I laid back down and began stroking the strands of hair that fell in your face.
Making sure not to wake you, I initiate feather-light ministrations across your cheekbones and revel in the way your eyelashes flutter. I place a small kiss on the tip of your nose and forehead and smile at the way you sigh contentedly and snuggle even closer to me. Before I doze off, I can’t help but think…
My beloved bride, while I don’t know what trials await us in the near future, I want you to know that I meant what I said today. If ever I leave you, there will be things around you that will remind you of me and you’ll know I’m always by your side. I’ve been through everything imaginable, more than I’m willing to tell you right now and beyond what your imagination can muster up, so I know I can handle it alone…yet somehow, I’m more anxious to go through this without you by my side. I can’t bear the thought of losing you again, especially when I did so much for us to get to this point. One day I want to be able to tell you everything, but the truth of the matter is that I haven’t told you for fear of you looking at me differently and leaving me without even a glance back. You hold more power over me than you know and this started with me asking for your devotion. Instead, I ended up devoting myself to you, I gave you my heart, I dedicated my life to loving you and you forgot me. That broke me for a long time until I found you again and you gave me a chance just to fall for me all over again. I told you that it was a miracle how even in the vastness of time and space, I can still find you. I told you that now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go. You’re my anchor so you have to know that without you, I risk becoming someone my people can’t rely on…that my aunt can’t rely on. I told you today that not even the Deep Sea could separate us; after all, it blessed our bond! Everything I’ve told you that actually matters is what I meant with my whole heart and soul.
Whatever is to happen next I want you to see, feel, and understand that when it comes to us, to this gentle, devoted love, I’ll never stop fighting to protect it…even if it costs me my life. You might say that that’s selfish and stupid and maybe I agree with you, but you’re my mirror so you know that when it comes to us…
You’d do the same.
Because you taught me today, with your fears so glaringly reflecting mine–your desperation to cling onto the time that we’ve shared and the time we have left–that you’re just as crazy about us as I am.