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It’s just after 4am. In a minimalistic private hospital room. Under awful fluorescent lights. Maura and Jane are silently watching infomercials.
The kind Maura hates but Jane finds comfort in.
Jane breaks the not-quite-uneasy silence with “just spit it out Maura”
“What are you taking about?”
“I could ask you questions until you need an EpiPen and then you’ll break your promise to Ma about leaving me alone.” It’s a warning.
“Jane”. It’s a plea.
“Maura”. It breaks through Maura’s defenses faster than even syncope could and she reluctantly tells the truth.
”I asked the hospital pathologist to do a fetal chromosome analysis on your fetus…”
“You know the gender?”
“The sex. Chromosomally. There’s still a possibility it could be intersex, or -“
”Maura!”
(deep breath)
”It was a boy, Jane”
”It was, he was, a boy. A son”. Jane’s voice cracks on the last two words as she uses both hands to cradle her lower abdomen and Maura is so upset she can’t do anything but default to scientific truths.
“Well this is early in development and beyond late fetal sex differentiation, the baby could grow to identify as any gender, including…”
“Maura!” Maura snaps to attention.
Jane is staring directly into the middle distance. “There’s no grow-. He’s not -“ her voice breaks and Maura tries not to break with it - “he’s not ever going to get to decide. He’s not even ever going to pick a sport, or an ice cream flavor, or or”
She’s sobbing now, and Maura tries to intervene, but she continues “the only thing I’m ever going to know about him is he was a boy. Or that he had those Xs and Ys…I’ll never know anything else about him” she’s sobbing again. And Maura ditches all the protocols she knows to gently maneuver herself onto the bed and hold Jane tight.
“What if I can’t ever do this again? What if we don’t ever get another chance?”
“Jane, you will have everything you want. I have no doubt about that. And I will do everything in my power to make it happen. You are going to be an amazing mother. And I would like nothing more than to witness it.”
“Well you were doing more than just witnessing it right? I mean you were looking up consumer reports and 529s. I thought-“
She’s shy but Maura encourages her with a nod.
“-we were gonna do this together right?”
“Of course we were Jane. We always will”
She’s quiet, for a length of time that would be totally in character for her, if she weren’t in Maura’s presence, in Maura’s arms.
“Maura, I really wanted him. I really wanted to be his mom” she’s sobbing before can say anything else.
Maura holds back tears she gently holds Jane’s fragile body against her own, saying “I know Jane. Me too. I’m so sorry honey. We’ll get through this together. I promise”