Chapter Text
Music pulsed through the crowded party, it boomed in Lottie’s ear so loud she could feel it in her chest. It could have drowned out the buzz of chatter from her classmates all around her if they’d let it, but of course they wouldn’t.
Laughing and shouting swirled all around Lottie as she listened to a million conversations at once. The air was thick with the smell of sweat and cheap beer, the stench of stale cigarettes and spilled liquor filling her nose, threatening to cling onto her skin.
Everyone seemed to be talking to her at once. It was to be expected, a girl like her with her reputation; every guy wanted a chance with her, but none could be so lucky.
Some guy from her history class had tried to convince her to play beer pong, as Tyler from the baseball team awkwardly attempted to dance with her. His hands hovered way too close to her hips and his eyes burned into hers, making him look a bit too desperate for her liking.
A guy in a letterman jacket was now hitting on her, cracking cheesy jokes and flashing his bleached smile as her friend Mari was- not so discreetly - pushing her towards him. Lottie just smiled and nodded along, playing the part of the perfect guest, never outright rejecting anyone's affection.
Just as Lottie thought she might die from all the attention, she felt Jackie grab her arm and pull her out of the sea of wandering hands and cringy flirting, leading her towards the kitchen.
"We're doing shots, come on!" Jackie exclaimed, a mischievous glint in her eye. Lottie followed, just relieved to escape the chaos, and was greeted by familiar faces; girls from her soccer team all chatting and laughing. Jackie immediately started handing out shots, then counted down, her cheeks already rosy from previous shots.
"3... 2... 1... drink!"
Lottie jerked her head back and downed the shot. The clear liquid burned its way down her throat, giving her a familiar burning sensation that made her wince and cough. She looked around and the room slowly began to spin as her friends dispersed. Jackie had already swooped Shauna away and was dancing with her, their bodies swaying in sync to the music.
Melissa had sat next to Gen on the counter and was whispering something in her ear, their faces inches apart. Akilah and Mari were doing their signature dance they’d do at every party, hips swiveling in perfect sync.
Lottie couldn’t help but feel a smile tug at her mouth at the sight, but quickly, her head began spinning and she found herself desperate for some fresh air and a moment to herself.
Seizing the opportunity, she slipped through the back door and the crisp night air slapped her in her heated up, slightly drunken face. She took a deep breath and felt the cool air fill her lungs, gazing out into the night, yearning for just a moment of peace.
Peace. That's what she really needed. What she always found herself searching for in the midst of all the chaos.
She felt like she was constantly suffocating under the weight of her parents' expectations, the pressure to be perfect, to be the golden girl her parents, teachers, and classmates always expected her to be.
It was all too overwhelming. Every smile, every laugh, every carefully curated response felt like a performance.
She needed an escape, a moment to breathe. Parties like this were never really her scene anyways. She reached for her pack of cigarettes, a habitual comfort, but her lighter was nowhere to be found. “Damn it..” she muttered, remembering when some guy had asked her for it to show her a stupid trick. She realized she’d probably never see it again.
When her eyes glanced back up, she spotted Natalie in the distance, leaning against her bike, parked under the dim glow of a streetlight. Lottie felt a flutter in her chest, a familiar sensation that always came when she saw her.
They were teammates on their school’s soccer team, but despite being on the same team and always sharing the same field, they'd never really connected like Lottie did with all her other teammates; especially Jackie and Laura Lee. Their interactions were limited to nods and brief exchanges during games, with some small banter in the locker room with the others, but she’d never really talked to her. They’d never even had a full conversation before.
All she knew really about her was that she preferred to go by “Nat” and that her home life wasn’t the greatest. She didn’t know any details, but word got around pretty quickly where they were from, but that just seemed to intrigue Lottie even more.
To Lottie, Nat was an enigma. She had always admired her from afar, and was intimidated by her tough exterior and the air of quiet confidence that always surrounded her like a shield. Nat was the kind of person who seemed untouchable. She was brave and absolutely unapologetic, qualities that Lottie could only wish she had. She wanted so badly to be as fearless and authentic as Nat seemed to be.
She watched as Nat lit a cigarette, the flame casting a brief, golden glow on her face, and before Lottie knew it, she was walking towards Nat, her feet moving with a quiet purpose.
She stopped in front of the shorter girl, and asked, her voice barely above a whisper, "Could you light me up?”
The words hung in the air, a simple request, but one that felt loaded with unspoken meaning. She held her unlit cigarette between her index and middle finger, holding it towards Nat like she knew she would say yes. She looked the girl up and down.
She was wearing her usual worn out leather jacket with a yellowish-brown flannel shirt underneath, and a black t-shirt peeked out from beneath it. Her black ripped jeans were torn in just the right places, not for style, but likely from past brawls or worse days. Her black combat boots were scuffed and battered, the same ones she always wore everywhere she went.
Nat's gaze flickered up to meet Lottie's, a hint of surprise in her eyes, until she finally nodded, pulling out a red lighter. Lottie placed her cigarette in her mouth and leaned down as Nat lit it, keeping her eyes glued to Lottie’s, a curious sort of glint in her eyes.
Lottie straightened herself out and immediately began smoking the cigarette, quickly, drag after drag like she was trying to numb herself as fast as possible. Nat raised an eyebrow at Lottie’s haste, a hint of amusement dancing on her lips as she silently watched Lottie smoke almost the entire cigarette.
"Party not good enough for you, huh, princess?" she asked, her tone laced with her usual sarcasm. Lottie took another long drag before responding, her voice low.
"It's not that."
Nat's eyes sparkled with curiosity as she removed her cigarette from her mouth. "Then what? Can’t decide who to make out with?” she spoke as the thick smoke exited her mouth. Lottie shot Nat a look, an annoyed expression painted on her face before she rolled her eyes.
"Just shut up and give me another cigarette." Nat looked up at Lottie with an almost shocked look on her face, but then chuckled and stuck her hand in her jacket pocket, pulling out her pack of cigarettes. "Not very patient, are we?" she asked, her voice low and raspy as she handed the pack to Lottie.
They stood in silence for a while, the only sounds being the distant thump of music and the soft crackle of their cigarettes as they smoked. Lottie stared at Nat's bike parked beside her, and wondered what Nat was even doing out there, all alone when she could be inside.
Nat couldn’t help but wonder the same thing about Lottie. She studied the taller girl, her eyes narrowing in thought. What could a rich, beautiful girl like Lottie possibly be so stressed out about? She had everything, it seemed; looks, money, popularity, status. And yet, there she was. Outside the party with Nat looking just as lost as her, a flicker of desperation in her eyes that piqued Nat’s curiosity.
"You know, for someone who's got the whole world at her feet, you look pretty lost." Nat broke the silence, her voice low and smooth.
Lottie felt her heart drop at her words, feeling like Nat was somehow able to see right through her. She needed to change the subject before Nat was able to see all of her flaws, not feeling like being vulnerable in the slightest right then. Lottie shifted uncomfortably, trying to deflect Nat's piercing gaze.
"So, why are you out here and not inside the party?" she asked, trying to sound casual. Nat took a slow drag from her cigarette, taking her time before replying, "Just needed some fresh air." she said, exhaling another stream of smoke. "Plus, I wasn't really in the mood for all that tonight."
Lottie raised an eyebrow. " All that?" she asked in a sort of amused tone, a small smile curling onto her lips.
Nat smiled. "You know, the usual. Music that’s way too loud, fake people everywhere... I don't know, I just wasn’t feeling it tonight." she finished, taking one last drag from her cigarette.
Lottie nodded, understanding fully what Nat was talking about, but she’d never admit it. At least not yet."Were you waiting for someone?"
Nat shook her head, throwing her cigarette on the ground. "Nah, just waiting for the right moment to leave, I guess. I was thinking about heading out actually, but then I saw you trying to make a break for it." she smiled, looking up into Lottie’s big brown eyes.
Lottie laughed. "Guess I wasn't as discreet as I thought."
Nat smiled, her eyes glistening in the dark. "Not even close."
After some silence, Lottie's gaze drifted to Nat’s bike.
"That's a sweet ride.” Nat's expression shifted, a small smile playing on her lips. "Want to take her for a spin?"
Nat would be lying if she said she wasn’t trying to push Lottie's buttons just a little bit. There was something about her polished exterior that made Nat want to see how she'd react to a little chaos. Maybe it was the way Lottie seemed so put-together, so perfect, that made Nat want to see her lose control for a moment.
Lottie just felt a spark of surprise. She hadn't expected Nat to be so willing, so open. A part of her was hesitant, unsure if she wanted to get that close to Nat, to feel her body pressed against hers as they rode through the night. But another part of her was intrigued, and wondered what it would be like to let go of control just for a moment.
"You're not going to kill me on that thing, are you?" Lottie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I promise I'll try not to." Nat smirked, making Lottie shoot her an unamused look.
"That's reassuring."
Nat's grin grew wider. "Don't worry, princess. I may be reckless, but never with people I..” Her words trailed off and she bit her lower lip, making Lottie cross her arms .
“People you what?” she asked, a smile threatening to appear on her face. Nat chuckled and licked her lips, looking away from the taller girl before finally responding quickly,“People I tolerate." she said flatly, looking back up at Lottie.
Lottie’s eyes widened and a smile grew on her face. "Oh, so you have a soft spot for me?" Nat scoffed and shook her head. "Don't sound so excited. I'm just trying to avoid a lawsuit from your dad." Lottie rolled her eyes before awkwardly getting onto the bike, immediately feeling out of place. Nat moved in close and leaned down, whispering into Lottie's ear, giving her chills throughout her body.
"Let's get you safe and sound, alright?." Nat's hands brushed against Lottie's head as she put the helmet on, her touch sending a shiver down Lottie's spine. She caught a whiff of cigarettes and cheap perfume, a scent she’d smelled so many times in the locker room that she found both familiar and intoxicating.
Nat got onto the bike and turned it on, the engine roaring to life, vibrating through Lottie's entire body. Nat's hands moved over the controls, and the bike began to move slowly. Lottie fidgeted slightly, unsure what to do with her hands. Nat's voice came again, low and husky,
"You know you can hold on to me if you want."
Lottie hesitated for a moment, but then wrapped her arms around Nat's waist, feeling the leather jacket's rough texture against her skin. She interlocked her fingers, gripping onto the girl for dear life as they picked up speed.
---
Nat rode through the town streets and Lottie watched as the worn out buildings and old storefronts blurred by. They passed by Joe's pizza place, its retro sign shining from the bike's headlights, and the old movie theater where she had her first kiss, pink neon lights from the local diner reflecting off puddles on the ground.
Nat's voice came through again, " You should try screaming."
Lottie was taken aback, confused why Nat would suggest such a thing. But then she felt a gentle squeeze on her hand, giving her reassurance. "Sometimes screaming can help you let go of things." Natalie explained over the wind. Lottie hesitated, but Nat's words resonated deep within her. She didn’t know how Nat could see through her, how she knew about the things overwhelming her that she needed to let go of. But she didn’t question it. Instead, she took a deep breath and let out a guttural scream, feeling a huge rush of emotions as the sound tore from her throat.
The wind hit her face, and the bike's engine roared around her, drowning her out. But Lottie felt a weird sense of freedom she'd never experienced before. It was as if she had shed her skin, leaving behind the expectations and pressures that had been weighing her down for so long. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, and she felt alive , truly alive, for the first time in years .
The speed Nat was going was exhilarating, and Lottie felt like she was flying. The rush of emotions was intoxicating, a mix of freedom, independence, and adrenaline. Lottie's screams turned into a laugh, and she felt Nat's body vibrate with amusement. As they sped through the night, Lottie felt a new, wilder version of herself emerging, one that was ready to take on the world.
After a few minutes, the bike finally slowed down at a red light and Nat leaned her head back slightly, her voice raised over the hum of the engine. "Want a milkshake?" she asked, her tone casual. Lottie gulped and just nodded, still feeling the rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins, unable to speak. Nat smiled and turned the bike onto a side street, pulling up in front of a diner with a faded sign that read "Debbie’s" in bright bold letters.
This was where Nat worked, the place where she spent her late-night shifts serving endless coffees and breakfast for dinner. As Nat killed the engine and swung her leg over the bike, Lottie quickly removed her helmet and followed suit, her legs wobbly from the ride.
"Welcome to Debbie’s." Nat said, with a nod towards the diner.
"So, this is where you spend your nights?" Lottie asked, eyeing the faded sign as they entered the cozy diner.
"Guilty as charged," Nat replied, grinning. "It has its perks. Best milkshakes in town, and the tips aren't bad either."
Lottie raised an eyebrow. "I bet it's a real joy working here. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend their nights serving greasy food to drunk locals and horny teenagers?" Her tone was laced with sarcasm, making Nat chuckle as she found them seats by the counter. "It’s really not all bad. Pay’s okay. I've been working here since freshman year and managed to scrape together enough cash for my bike."
Lottie watched as Nat played with the rings on her fingers as she spoke, looking down at them. She felt strangely comfortable talking with Nat, like it was something that was supposed to happen, like it was meant to be that they ran into each other that night. Lottie smiled, resting her head on her hand, looking right at Nat.
"How did you manage to charm Deb into hiring you?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
Nat bit her lip, keeping her gaze fixed on the table. "To be honest, I've known her family for a while. Shauna and I used to be really close in middle school. We'd hang out all the time, and I'd help out here occasionally. But when she met Jackie, things changed..” Her voice trailed off and she bit the inside of her cheek, her eyes falling just slightly as she twisted the big silver ring on her thumb. Lottie kept her eyes low, listening intently. “She started to drift away from me, and we didn't hang out as much anymore."
"What happened?" Lottie asked, her voice quiet.
Nat shrugged. "we got into a fight – and also im not cool like the rest of her friends so i guess we wont make up anytime soon”
Lottie shook her head and scoffed lightly. “Not cool? Nat, you’re like.. the coolest person I’ve ever met.”
Nat just chuckled dryly and shook her head. “Nowadays, we only see each other when she helps her mom with, like.. the diner’s paperwork or something. But Deb's always been super cool to me, even when Shauna and I drifted apart. She saw something in me, I guess, and offered me a job here. It's been a lifeline for me, to be honest."
Lottie just smiled at Nat who finally turned her head to Lottie. Her cheeks turned a light pink and she laughed, running a hand through her hair. “Damn, that was a lot, wasn’t it?” “No! No, not at all.” Lottie was quick to reply and put her hand over Nat’s, squeezing it lightly. “I like listening to you talk.”
Nat put her other hand over Lottie’s, looking back at the table and shaking her head. “I’m not usually this talkative.”
“Well, I like it.” Lottie smiled, putting her other hand on top of Nat’s so their hands were stacked on top of each other’s. Nat looked at her and for a moment, Lottie felt the world stop spinning as their eyes melted into each other’s.
“Hmm.” Natalie hummed quietly, a small smile on her face, before pulling her hands away and grabbing a menu. She slid it over to Lottie. “This one here is my favorite, personally..” she began, looking down at it. But Lottie kept her gaze on Nat’s face, her words slowly drowning out as Lottie’s mind began to spin. She liked being with Nat, she didn’t have to be anyone but herself with her. It was comfortable. She could've stayed in that diner with her forever
As time went on, they stayed sat at the counter, sipping their milkshakes. Nat told Lottie stories of her night shifts, laughing about the drunk locals who would stumble in at 2 am who’d sing along to the jukebox. Countless cringeworthy middle schoolers on first dates, trying to impress each other with awkward conversation. Lottie giggled at Nat's impression of a particularly rowdy customer.
"You're such a goody-goody, working hard and saving up. I wouldn't have pegged you for the type." Lottie teased as the night felt like it was slowly coming to an end. Nat's expression shifted, her tone taking on a hint of irony as she scoffed lightly. "Why, because I'm a burnout?"
Lottie's face fell. " No! No, not.. not like that. I just meant-”
"Relax, princess.” Nat cut Lottie off, waving her hand, smiling emptily as she toyed with the straw in her empty glass. “I know what they say about me at school.. I’ve learned to ignore it." The silence that followed was brief, but palpable. Lottie finally broke it, her voice soft and gentle.
"I don't think you're a burnout, Nat.. I mean, you worked your ass off for your bike. That’s like.. super responsible of you. You’re not at all like what they say.”
Nat turned her head to the taller girl, her eyes low and glimmering with a sort of disbelief in Lottie’s words. But she let her continue, feeling her brown eyes burning into hers. “You’re a hard worker. And you’re kind , you’re genuine. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever known.”
Nat's gaze drifted off, her eyes narrowing slightly. "You didn't know any of that about me until like 30 minutes ago, Lottie.” she spoke, then looked at her hands on the table. “You don't really know me.."
The silence that followed was heavier this time, the air thick with unspoken words. Lottie grabbed Natalie’s hand again, but this time she held it tight. She took a deep breath, then finally said what her mind had been screaming at her to say. This time, she was gonna say how she felt even if she was scared. She spoke, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I want to know you."
Nat's gaze snapped back to Lottie's, her eyes were wide for a moment until she quickly covered it up with a small smile that played on her lips. "Okay.." she replied, her tone low and smooth, making Lottie’s rapid heart beat slow just a little bit. "I'd like that.”
Lottie’s eyes glimmered with something she hadn’t felt in a while; hope . Being with Nat was like a breath of fresh air, not having to mask herself or be someone she wasn’t. Hearing that Nat was down to keep up whatever it was they had going between them, it gave Lottie a feeling of relief that washed over her as she squeezed Nat’s hand again.
“Good.” she spoke quietly.
“Just as long as your dad doesn’t try to sue me for hanging out with you.” Nat teased, making Lottie roll her eyes and shove her lightly. The two giggled for a moment until Nat looked up at Lottie. “Do you.. wanna get out of here?” she asked, her eyes now glimmering with the same hope Lottie had just moments before.
Lottie just smiled, scanning Nat’s face for a moment, then finally nodded.
“Yeah. I’d like that.”