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Ren's day began with a pressure in his head, a sign of the poor-quality bursts of sleep he had throughout the night. How could it be any different, when the moment of his boogey kill was still vivid as day in his memories? It led to him spending most of the time awake, during which he was able to overhear a conversation from downstairs. He had made other members of the team lose sleep because of him, simply because he had been too weak to take a different stance.
Breakfast was held over the explanations from the three who were involved in the incident last night. Their storytelling was chaotic and uncoordinated, and Ren found himself dissociated from paying attention, as he already knew most of it. He had heard the three run off in a panic, and watched the death messages pop up in chat afterwards. He was even looking out the window as it happened, if only to avoid having to stare at Scott's peaceful face as he slept. He did a good deed, he must believe. The team is happier now.
'…I wish that were the case,' Ren thought.
As everyone parted their ways, Ren had made up his mind to go mining. It was hard to face anyone right now, so he figured some time alone would be good to clear his mind. Plus, if he were lucky, he could even come back with something useful for the team. …And maybe that would make up for what he caused them yesterday.
He made his way down through a stripmine, climbing the steps all the way to the bottom level, ending up in a narrow tunnel of deepslate. After walking up to the wall at the end, he brought out his pickaxe. But as he struck down at the stone, a flash jolted within him. He tried to shake it off and keep at it, but each time he raised the tool and brought it down, it would all come back to him.
Scott handing him the axe. Ren's shaking grip on the handle. The uncertainty as he raised up the weapon. The mortified looks from his teammates. The axe striking down, blood splashing all over his clothes… And then, it hit him all at once.
…Was this how he had made Martyn feel, all those seasons ago?
He stopped and lowered the pickaxe, bringing a hand to his face with a jumbled mix of laughter and sobbing. Sliding down into a sitting position, he stared at the wall in silence, contemplating what he was doing and if any of it was even worth it. Sure, getting diamonds and making better gear would help them feel protected, but how would any of it help with their current most pressing issue?
The idea behind their mission had all started with Ren himself. Through watching Gem and Pearl's fight, he could sense the conflict that would emerge from them being neighbours, and just felt at first like this would be a fun way to engage with it. It was never meant to be such a strong and binding ideal that it would forbid them from acting outside of it. How did it end up that way…?
The answer for that must have been in the village games. During that, he and Grian had given it their all not just to win, but to establish that message as their image. They reinforced it so much that it became all that anyone knew them for by the end. He could have almost been fooled that giving away the competition at the end was perfectly in character for Grian.
Ren had left the village that day ingrained with an extra life, a symbol that bound him to live by a chain, anchoring him to an ideal which even he never once fully believed in. And when the next day came, when fate forced him to fight against it… He still held himself to it, which only served to hurt himself and his friends in the process.
Grabbing his pickaxe again, he got up and went back to mining, but this time had a different energy to it. Each strike was forceful, aggressive. Not a shaky reminder of the guilt of causing pain, but instead filled with the regret of not having done it with more intention. The day he was chosen as the boogeyman, he could have looked for opportunities. He could have decided to go against what he'd sowed, and even breaking the chain once would mean he'd never have to be trapped by it again.
A twisted smile creeped on his face as he remembered what the itch of bloodlust from the previous day had felt like. The hits on the stone now filled his mind with possibilities of how he could have attacked. He could have turned on Skizz. He could have turned on Martyn. He could have left the others to build their silly little charity Emporium and gone to set a trap on someone. Why was any of this so important to him in the first place?
The imagined scenes played on repeat in his mind, gradually fading into numbness, until suddenly being dragged back into the rock-hard reality as a shiny light blue glow entered his line of sight. He felt a gasp leave his mouth, and the roughness of the wall he'd placed his hand on, before focusing his effort on collecting the diamonds. It was a decently sized vein, and the relief of finding the first treasure of the day had been enough to make his earlier concerns seem to dissipate into unimportance. He counted his gains, planning what the team could do with it. If nothing else, then at least something good would be going back home today.
The grinding continued on for possibly hours, and though he was lucky enough to find more diamonds along the way, the weight of the task started becoming clearer and stronger on his body. He could manage the pain, though. He was fully aware of it going into this from the start.
…Perhaps it was even one of his goals.
Despite it all, still, this time spent had been able to settle his thoughts and clear his mind, if only a little. Though he wasn't sure what to say when he returned, he knew he couldn't hide himself away forever. The game had to go on, after all. But just as he told himself that he'd only go a little bit further, part of the wall broke itself to reveal a large cave on the outside.
Looking through the hole and spotting the sparkle of a diamond ore, he just had to go in. And so, he prepared a quick station to make sure he had his food and equipment in hand, and took a brief rest from the soreness on a bed. Jimmy must have still been at the base; if he died out here, he wasn't ready to go back and explain things just yet.
Ren got up again once he felt just about ready enough, though he knew he couldn't get himself back on perfect condition in such short notice. He equipped his shield and hesitated before grabbing the same axe he'd used yesterday, and then headed inside the cave, beelining it straight for the diamonds.
It was filled with more mobs than he had expected, with several skeletons and zombies immediately trying to attack him as soon as he'd stepped through to the other side. His rush for the treasure had to be interrupted to hide behind a natural pillar, placing torches around and hoping that would be enough.
Once the coast seemed clear, he approached the diamonds on the ground and crouched down to mine it. Thanks to the pressure of worrying about any more mobs approaching, it seemed to take excruciatingly longer than the previous ones he'd collected. The sound of his heartbeat accelerating, along with the swirl of thoughts bubbling up in his mind, were together loud enough to drown out the sound of a hiss building up just behind him.
[renthedog was blown up by Creeper]
He respawned and sat up on the bed, laughing weakly to himself. Suddenly, he remembered why he had even brought himself down here. Maybe he deserved that explosion as well, just like everything else in this miserable, cramped hole. With a sour taste in his mouth, Ren picked himself back up and walked back into the cave, internally vowing to be more careful this time.
Despite thinking that, he also wondered if he'd be okay if it happened again. Maybe that's why he went back in the first place. Right now, he was back down to the same amount of lives he had after dying to that Wither Skeleton. Though he had no idea how close or far he might be to red, it didn't worry him too much even if it happened to be only one death away. It would probably mean him having to leave the team, but maybe that would be better for them.
He stopped himself, his breath shaking as he really lingered on that thought. No, he couldn't let himself think that. If he turned red so soon in a stupid way, it would only make Scott's sacrifice go in vain. It would be so cruel of Ren to do that to his friend. Shaking those thoughts away, he concentrated on searching the cave again.
These games had never gone easy on Ren. He was the only one out of its original members to have been unwell enough to recover for two seasons in a row. Though on the surface he seemed fine in Double Life, the accumulated stress from all three first seasons had reached its tipping point by the end of it. It was only when he was forcefully brought back in a different body for a day that he considered the possibility of giving it another shot.
But now, surrounded by monsters in a dark cave, he once again began to remember and understand those feelings. Wondering why he even continued in these games at all. What was the point of making all these roles to play, only to let them consume everything he does? This weight he felt forced to carry was all made-up. He had no one to blame but himself.
After feeling like he'd gathered all the treasure he could see, Ren made his way back to the stripmine, before sighing and leaning his back against the wall.
[Grian was doomed to fall by impulseSV]
The guilty consciousness quickly returned to Ren as he read that message. While his teammates were out there dying, he was down here, selfishly isolating and making this all about himself. But he couldn't forget the effect his inability had on the others, or the conversation he'd overheard last night. Grian had said that he was awake for a midnight snack, but didn't seem to actually eat anything for the whole time. Though he was good at playing it strong, Ren could tell that perhaps witnessing that scene had taken a toll on him as well.
Ren brought out the pickaxe again and continued the mine into a different direction. It once again occurred to him that the chains of this whole "peace" ordeal weren't constricting only to him, but to the entire squad as well. He wondered how much of Grian's attitude this season was genuine, and how much he must be internally begging to be able to cause chaos again.
[Skizzleman was blown up by Creeper]
Another teammate gone down. Skizz was one of the most stable members of the group, though he too must feel a burden in some way. Being tasked with being the strong one, the one who gives support and advice… How long could he keep that up without breaking apart himself?
Then, Ren's eyes widened as he looked at the player list and noticed that Skizz's name had gone red. After all that effort gone to avoid this exact thing happening to their team… Seems it was unavoidable in the end. His mind once again spiraled wondering what this would mean for the team, and where they would go from here. He desperately channeled this energy into focusing on carving the tunnel ahead of him, hoping this would be enough of a distraction.
[SolidarityGaming tried to swim in lava]
Ren fully came to a stop after noticing that last one. Once again, he deeply contemplated the time that was being wasted here, all while everyone up above was putting themselves at risk. Jimmy in particular had already died three times by this point, at least one of those while actively trying to uphold their image. It was a miracle he hadn't turned red as well yet.
Taking a deep breath, Ren turned around and walked backwards through the tunnel. He stopped by the rest area and took the time to count up everything he'd mined. It was more than expected, which only made him realize that he'd spent way longer down here than he had imagined. It probably wouldn't be enough to make up for the rough day the team seemed to be having, but it would hopefully at least end things on a slightly sweeter note. Gathering everything up together again, he continued his way through to the staircase.
The only one out of the whole team who hadn't died today was Scott, though that made up for the night before. Ren wondered how he even kept the same attitude through all of this, the image of Scott smiling in his sleep still haunting the back of his mind. Wasn't it just as hard on him as well? Didn't he have any regrets? Scott was no stranger to sacrifices, of course, which boggled Ren's mind at how easy it came to him. To be so willing to throw his life away, so long as it would mean another's happiness… Scott clearly embodied the energy of the group most naturally out of anyone, which only made Ren feel worse for not living up to it.
The many hours spent down in the mines had given Ren enough time to reflect. He felt ready to face them again, though he still hoped they wouldn't bring up last night's events again, or ask why he'd been down there the whole day. Climbing up the final stretch of the tunnel staircase, Ren raised his head, and stepped out into the moonlight.