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Earth always looked so small from Shuttle Base. A glinting blue gem against the vast dark universe. We'd be in orbit for the rest of the night - not that hours mattered up here. When we touched down it would be morning. The sun would rise as it always did. Today would once again slip away into yesterday - it had no time to wait for me to be ready for tomorrow.
The sun didnt rise in space. Tomorrow never had to happen if I didnt want it to, it would never truly come until my feet were back on Earth. It was always today on Shuttle Base.
I looked past the planet, in the direction they'd told me Atlanta was - the direction we'd sent what was left of Taro. I'd have crawled into that hatch with him if given the choice. I'd have let them throw me into space. He shouldn't have been sent alone. What would his family think? What would they say about the people that failed their son? About the cowards that sent - rather than brought - him home? A part of me had been ripped away today. Surely it had found its way into that hatch.
I'd bitten the tears back all day, but now my teeth felt dull, my jaw weary with thoughts of tomorrow. The emptiness kept numb by anger had slowly regained sensation within my chest, raw and hollow and screaming to be filled. I didnt have anything left to fill it with - we'd thrown it out into space. My gaze fell back to Earth, its vastness warped and mangled by the tide rising over my eyes. Had it always looked this big? Had it always felt this heavy?
Tapping echoed down the cold hallway, its source growing closer and closer. I steadied my feet and my breath - rubbing quickly at my face before clasping my hands together behind my back. With shoulders as square and chin as high as I could manage - I waited.
"Tsurugi?" The Chiefs voice cut through me like ice, the edges of the pit within my chest once again growing numb, "what are you doing out here?"
I turned to face him, my hand rising to my forehead as my gaze dropped to the ground.
"Sir," I let my hand fall back to my side, "I couldn't sleep."
He hummed as he strode closer, standing beside me and turning his attention out the window. I joined him. We stood for a moment, watching the Earth as it spun beneath us.
"Its beautiful, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"And it needs you, Tsurugi," there was no warmth in his voice, "it needs you to be strong. It needs you to win."
Is that what I 'd done today?
"Yes. Sir."
His heavy sigh sent chills down my spine, the brunt of its weight landing squarly on my shoulders. I swallowed the bitter taste rising in the back of my throat, keeping my eyes locked firmly on the horizon.
"It needed to be done."
My head grew hot, my heartbeat loud in my ears.
"There were no other options."
My hands itched, my fingers lacing tighter and tighter together.
"If it had gone differently," he turned to face me, "a lot more than just his blood would be on your hands."
I twisted the button on my sleeve cuff till it all but broke free, bowing my head to hide my face. I acknowledged his words with a nod - not quite trusting my tongue. The hand that came down on my shoulder offered no comfort.
"It gets easier."
I looked back out the window. Fire and acid boiled in my lungs, suffocating and sharp.
"I don't-" my words dripped with the bitterness in my throat, "I don't think I want it to."
He shrugged, his hand slipping from my shoulder, "what you want isnt important."
He began to walk away, each tap of his shoes driving the ice deeper into my spine. He stopped at the door, the same hand that had been on my shoulder rising to rest on the control panel.
"Whats important is out there," the door slid open, "don't forget that."
He left the room, but he didn't take the chill with him. He was right, of course, about everything - not that it helped ease the gaping hole in my chest. Part of me yearned for a flowery lie, something soft and warm and gentle. Why couldn't it have been that part that got ripped away.
Once again, I found myself staring at the Earth. If I couldn't protect Taro, how was I mean to protect a whole planet? If I couldn't pull one man from Gozma's clutches, how could I keep millions of others safe?
Earth always looked so small from Shuttle Base.