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Finn wasn’t sure when things changed. Maybe nothing had changed, only his own attitude. Poe was still the roguishly handsome, devil may care, best damn pilot in the galaxy. Finn still admired all those things about him but maybe it just wasn’t enough anymore. He didn’t doubt that Poe loved him, he just knew that the Resistance would always have to come first.
Finn slowly put his few belongings into the olive drab duffel bag he had been issued. He still had to speak to someone about new accommodations. He had no intention of leaving the Resistance- they needed him, needed him in a way Poe didn’t. He hoped he could be packed before Poe got back with BB-8. He wasn’t sure if he would have the courage to do this otherwise.
The letter was already written:
“Dearest Poe,
I know you probably won’t understand why I’m doing this but you have to believe me that it’s the best for us both. I love you. I will probably always love you. You were my first in so many ways and I’m grateful for that. However, I think we both know that the Resistance will always be your first. I don’t want to resent you for this so I think it’s best if we go our separate ways. You’ve given me so much- a home, a name. I appreciate and will always appreciate that. I hope you can forgive me someday.
Yours with affection and respect,
Finn
It probably wasn’t a good letter and Finn had gone over it twenty times trying to find a way to do the impossible and to express everything he felt for Poe in words.
The door to the room opened with a hiss. It was as if the Force had heard his wishes for a little more time and responded with a resounding no. Poe stood in the doorway, swaying slightly on his feet.
“Hey buddy,” he greeted Finn.
“Poe?” Finn wasn’t sure what to say. “Are you okay?”
“Minor head injury and a few broken ribs, nothing seeing you doesn’t fix.” Poe grinned.
Finn struggled to smile back. This was why he had to leave. He couldn’t stand watching Poe kill himself and he knew it was only a matter of time before that happened. It wasn’t fair expecting him to just stand there and watch. Poe loved the Resistance, love the fight and in return it was killing him. There were only so many close calls one person could have before their time was up. Finn wasn’t ready for that. He was exhausted from the worry and starting to resent Poe’s insistence that he not worry.
“What’s that look?” Poe asked, sinking down on his bed. “I’m okay. Really. Mission was a success. I think I might even have a few days off.”
Slowly and painfully Poe pulled off his shirt, obviously struggling with his cracked ribs. He curled onto his side and pulled a pillow against his chest. Finn couldn’t help but stare. He’d broken a rib once in training and he knew how much pain Poe must be feeling. He also could tell just by looking that Poe didn’t care, couldn’t care. The mission was a success and that was all that mattered.
“Finn? Pal? Is something wrong?” Poe asked, looking up at him from the bed. Poe coughed slightly and cringed.
“It’s nothing,” Finn said, kicking his half packed duffel into the corner and joining Poe on the bed. Careful to avoid the older man’s damaged ribs he ran his finger along Poe’s strong jawline and breathed in his smell. Poe looked as beautiful as ever, even with the swelling on his face and the spider web of bruises across his chest.
Maybe he could leave tomorrow.