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For Jason, dying felt like an endless abyss of falling, and the resulting rebirth felt like finally hitting the ground after months of continual descending into darkness. Jason wasn’t ready for death, but he wasn’t prepared for the aftereffects of rebirth either.
Jason didn’t expect the enhanced capabilities that took him months to hone, nor the pit madness that drove him to the edge of insanity a thousand times over, but those effects were easier in comparison because for Jason, the worst impact of his subsequent rebirth wasn’t delusion. It was he being forced to grapple with himself, himself.
The Lazarus Pit brings you back perfectly. Any scars are healed, any imperfections are vanquished, and anything the universe got wrong is recorrected. Jason knew his whole life that he was born in the wrong body. He knew that everything was created wrong when it came to him.
But even though Jason knew that the girl he was born as was simply incorrect, he was unable to fix it, and he was never in a position where he could accept that it was anything other than normal, low self-esteem. Therefore, when Jason was born again after months of falling, he had to grapple with the body he had now, the one he was supposed to have all along.
His old name wouldn’t work anymore with his new body, so he gave himself a new one:’Jason’, derived from the Greek word ‘ἰάομαι’, which meant ‘to heal’; he had been healed, he was new again, whether he wanted to accept it or not.
Jason didn’t want to have to confront his new body or his existing feelings. So he let the madness overtake him. Instead of partaking in self-reflection, Jason chose to go insane. He chose to become Red Hood and let his anger overpower him.
It wasn’t until Bruce Wayne found him that Jason began to simply exist. It wasn’t until Jason met Roy Harper for the second time that he began to heal.
It was after Bruce found Jason, and helped him fight the pit madness that Dick Grayson-Wayne offered up his couch for Jason to sleep on. It was a week after Jason started crashing on his older brother's couch in Blüdhaven that Roy Harper showed up.
Jason was loosely taken by the wispy clutches of sleep when he heard a loud banging on the front door of Dick’s apartment.
Jason tentatively opened the door. “What’da want?” He asked in the gruffest voice he could muster up at three in the morning
Roy laughed, his lazy smile still as sickeningly sweet as Jason remembered from when he was fifteen “I’m looking for Dick”
“He’s out.” Jason was about to shut the door in Roy’s face so that he could go back to the first sleep he’d gotten in weeks, but he decided not to choose violence for once. “I could take a message for him if you want, though.”
“Nah, it’s all right, I’ll talk to him later,” Roy shrugged. “Dick didn’t mention you lived here”
“It’s temporary.”
“Do you have a name, ‘temporary’?’ Roy inquired
Jason had only known Roy as Dick’s friend before his death. Roy had never known Jason as ‘Jason’. If it was just simple logic as to why Roy felt to need to inquire, then why did it make Jason so happy for Roy to ask for something as painfully simple as his first name?
“Jason,” He replied after a moment. “I know your name already, however, Roy Harper.”
Roy blinked. “You sound like a stalker, Jason,” he joked
Jason shook his head, “No.” Jason reconsidered his previous statement after a moment of consideration.”Well, not in this instance. We’ve met before.”
Jason walked away and shut the door behind him.
Roy had always been Dick’s friend. Jason had only ever met him when their paths aligned. They’d met as both Robin and Speedy as well as in their civilian identities. But to Jason, this simple three am meeting felt like the first time Roy got to see Jason.
Maybe it felt like that to Jason because it was.
Jason met Roy again professionally less than a week later. Dick had a misson that he was unable to complete because of scheduling conflicts. Dick had decided to voluntell Jason to go as his replacement. Hence, Jason ended up on a rooftop with Arsenal merely three days later.
Jason and Roy kept crossing paths on both sides of their dually complicated double lives. One day, Aresnal would appear as backup for Nightwing and Red Hood, the next day, Roy Harper would end up at a Gala that Jason Todd was dragged to, and every time they crossed paths, it felt lying.
Jason didn’t want to lie to Roy. It just happened. Casual lies of omission every time they met up. Roy’s daughter Lian loved it every time Jason came over, and yet Jason felt miserable hiding something so large from her father. -Multiple large things if you want to be specific- Jason knows that the first time he met Roy wasn’t Dick’s apartment but now even a few years out from the event and Jason knows that Roy considers that to be their first meeting. Jason doesn’t; he knows when they first met. It was as Robin and Speedy back when they were still sidekicks of Batman and the Green Arrow, respectively. He just doesn’t want Roy to connect those dots and invalidate who he is now. Jason doesn’t want to grapple with the fact that he himself still invalidates who he is now. So Jason never lets himself get too close to Roy, at least not in the way every fiber of his being so desperately desires. Jason lets life move forward without his yearnings interfering. It only takes a throwaway comment from Roy to turn all of Jason’s carefully laid plans to shit.
Roy and Jason were walking to Roy’s from a lunch outing when Roy laughed at a message on his phone.
“What’s so funny?” Jason queried absentmindedly
“I mentioned to Dick I’m out with you and he’s acting like I’m kidnapping you from him” Roy laughed “I don’t think I’ve met a man more possessive over his younger brother than Richard Grayson-Wayne”
Jason froze in place. What? what? If Roy knew that Jason was Dick’s brother- Did Dick think of Jason as his brother? That’s good knowledge for Jason to know. Wait. Did that mean that Roy knew-
“Jason?” Roy asked, concerned. “You ok, man?”
“Did Dick tell you?” Jason spat out brokenly
“I don’t understand-” Roy put a hand on Jason’s shoulder ‘What’s going on, Jaybird?”
Jason shrugged off Roy’s hand. Jaybird, how did Jason not realise before?
“I can’t imagine you just assumed because we don’t look alike, I definitely didn’t tell you either” Jason considered his reality before continuing.“And while Bruce has been known to take kids in”, like me for example, “He doesn’t take adults in, so you couldn’t have just assumed I’ma new stray Bruce Wayne decided to take in off the street-”
“Jaybird-” Roy attempted
Jason interrupted him, “And that too. That nickname. How did I not see it before? It was so obvious in hindsight!"
"Who decided to ruin the best thing I’ve ever had before I could do it myself?" Jason cried out
Jason had utterly and completely fallen apart. He and Roy were in a side alley that they were using as a shortcut to get home. Jason collapsed to his knees on the cold concrete against a building heavily decorated in bright graffiti. He shouldn’t be doing this, Jason thought. He’s finally a boy now. Boys don’t cry and fall apart.
Roy knelt next to him and grabbed Jason’s face, Roy’s thumb and forefinger carefully wiping away the tears that had formed. “I don’t fully understand what’s going on or why you're upset, but I want to help,” Roy said gently. “Would it help if I explained some events that happened in my timeline of knowing you?”
Jason nodded.
“Good. That’s good,” Roy said. “I was at home cooking dinner when my best friend of many years called me, saying his little brother is alive, that the death he’d spent so long grieving had been reversed.”
Jason’s eyes widened. Roy found out he had been alive before Jason had reconnected with the batfamily. Dick had valdated him for that long? Roy had known that for that long? But-
“Dick had wanted someone to unpack this news to, and I listened” Roy explained “ I had come looking for Dick that night for a unrelated reason regarding work, and you knew that”
Jason nodded. He did know that.
“However,” Roy added, “I thought you knew I recognized you, and your distinctly Jason brand of sarcasm.” Roy, considered for a brief moment “I only asked your name because Dick had forgotten to disclose it to me”
Roy muttered something under his breath condemning Dick’s past forgetfullness “So if this is about that I already knew, and I don’t care Jason”
Jason nodded. Roy knew. Roy knew the whole time? And Roy didn’t care? That Jason lied to him for years?
“But I-”
Roy interrupted him, “And if this is about our nocturnal personas. I already know both who you are now as well as you used to be.”
what?
“You and Red Hood have the same sense of humor.” Roy added, “It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to figure that one out.”
Finally getting a chance to speak, Jason took the reins on the conversation away from Roy. “But I lied to you for years-”
“It’s not lying if I already knew,” Roy interrupted
Jason disregarded him. “You knew me as someone else before, and now the pit has completely changed me and-”
“Do you not want to look like this?” Roy asked sincerely
NO “No, this is what I have always wanted.-”
“Then I couldn’t care less because it makes you happy.”
“I never admitted that to myself before I died, it too quickly was too late, and I was stuck endlessly falling,” Jason explained. “I grew up in a household and in a way where I learned from a young age to never let myself want,” Such as with you
Roy nodded and stroked Jason’s cheek gently once more, wiping away the remains of his breakdown, picking up the pieces after Jason finally let himself dissolve.
“I used the excuse of lies and morals for not letting me want-” Jason cut himself off. Is he really going to admit this to Roy? Now? Without all his insecurities laid out bare in front of him?
Jason took a deep, shaky breath. “For not letting me want you. Because I liked you before. As an angsty teenager, angry at the world, and I couldn’t let myself admit the universe was giving me a second chance.” Jason choked down the tears clogging his throat. “I didn’t want to admit that I might have a chance at happiness. With you. Because I love you, Roy. I love taking down criminals with you, and I love quiet dinners where your daughter explains her newest game of make-believe.”
Jason loved Roy. He did. He always had
Roy smiled, “I’ve loved you since you slammed a door in my face, thinking I didn’t remember meeting you.” He laughed.
“I did. You slammed a door in my face then, too.” Roy said quietly.
Jason leaned in and kissed Roy as sweetly as a former crime lord could. Jason knew he wasn’t good at being soft, but for Roy, he was going to try.
When Jason died, it had felt like an infinite amount of falling, but when he kissed Roy for once in his shattered life, Jason felt grounded.