Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Oh, Karkat, don't give me that look! This is a key component of my plan to peacefully unify the galax-sea! It will build trust among the former troll colonies and help us find better diplomatic shell-utions for the future!"

Karkat was still giving Feferi that look. "Feferi. You know I am all for reunifying the galaxy and and all that other bullshit that made me throw in my sickle with your cause sweeps ago. But I don't see how having an alien pap my face is going to lead to better diplomatic shell-utions. I mean, solutions. Fuck. I agreed to be your ambassador, not fill a quadrant."

Feferi Peixes, Reigning Empress of the Galaxy, sat back in her chair and pouted at him. Pouting was a rich look coming from the woman who had led the revolution against her predecessor, claimed her gold-encrusted throne, and then decided to give as much power back to the people as possible. Despite that, she still acted like a wiggler sometimes, like that might help her get her way instead of the vast empire she now had control over.

"Well, first of all, they're not aliens. If we keep thinking of them as aliens, then it will be harder to build a real connection with them! They're humans. Second of all, if you are living and making connections with a human, then you will learn things about their culture, and they will learn things about ours! That's vital for diplomacy!"

Karkat crossed his arms as he sat across from her. There wasn't much he wouldn't do for Feferi, and if he was being honest, he was probably going to do this too. That didn't mean he wouldn't complain about it first, though.

"I don't see why we couldn't do this without locking a human into one of my quadrants," he said. "And what the hell is a 'marriage' anyways?"

"Sea! This is exactly why it is important for you to engage in human customs and cultures." Feferi slammed her hands down onto the table in front of her, a grin on her face. There was no stopping her once she got excited about an idea. "This is your way to learn more about their culture by participating in it. Besides, I think you could do with a moirail after Gamzee-"

"Fine." Karkat cut her off. He did not want to bring his ex into this discussion. "Fine- I'll do it, if it's really so important to you. But I want it on the record that I still think that this is bullshit."

Feferi grinned, and she pulled out a pen to literally write that down. He wasn't sure if she was making fun of him or being genuine. If anybody could find a way to do both, it would be Feferi.

"Excellent! Your shuttle to Earth leaves in a couple of hours. I already sent message ahead; they're expecting you!"

The trip to Earth from galaxy center took only about a day, and as Feferi had promised, they were ready for him. The second he got off of the ship, a stout woman in a red pants suit stepped up to greet him. He tried not to flinch away from the color. He didn't know if Feferi had told them anything about his blood status or if this was just human fashion, but it was jarring to see.

"Ambassador Vantas?" the woman asked, holding out a hand. Karkat reached out to shake it. This was one custom trolls and humans had in common at least. "My name is Jane Crocker. I'm going to be assisting your transition. Welcome to Earth."

"Thanks," Karkat responded gruffly. He wasn't good with niceties like this, but he was at least going to put in a fucking effort. Even if Feferi's plan was that of an insane person, he trusted her enough to try his best to see it through.

"Follow me," she said. "We have a room laid out for you already, but I'd like to know right away if there are any amenities you're missing."

"Sure."

Jane started walking, and Karkat followed along behind her. The ambassador's building looked nice enough. A lot more low-tech than an Alternian political building would be - she actually opened a door with a handle rather than it simply responding to her psionic presence - but it was big enough and would probably give him plenty of space to avoid his human moirail if he needed to.

"How familiar are you guys with troll culture?" Karkat asked as he followed behind her, figuring he should know what he was getting into. This was supposed to be a two-way street of cultural exchange, after all. He'd learn about humans, but they sure as hell were going to learn about trolls in return.

"I've learned a decent amount when I was working under the batterwitch herself," Jane replied. A sharp chill ran down Karkat's spine. Shit. Was she a sympathizer? Was he walking into a trap? She must have noticed his reaction, because she covered her mouth with her hand to let out a gentle "hoo hoo!" of a laugh.

"Oh, there's no need to give me that look! I was under a heavy dose of brainwashing, and I am endlessly grateful to Feferi and the other members of the revolution who helped to snap me out of it! I say, I plan to never wear a tiara on my head again if I can possibly help it!"

Karkat relaxed. "Oh shit, right. I forgot Earth had a fuckton of revolutionaries. You guys are complete imbeciles for trying to stand up against Alternia by yourselves, but you're brave imbeciles."

That got another laugh out of Jane. "I'll take that as a compliment!"

"Good. It was meant as one."

They made it to his room, which looked completely alien to Karkat. There was an old fashioned desk and dresser off to the side, some human landscape paintings along the walls, and in the dead center was a massive bed. Feferi had told him about this, and it was part of the reason she'd picked him as the ambassador. Humans didn't do recuperacoons, so she needed somebody who wasn't tormented by the typical violent nightmares to take on the job. Apparently, that someone was him.

Still. There was room for him to lie in the center of the bed, stick his arms and legs out as far as possible, and still be a good foot or so away from touching any of the edges. He looked at Jane with a flat expression.

"Do humans normally need such expansive sleeping slabs, or are you just trying to butter me up?" he asked flatly.

"Oh, no! This one had to be custom made, actually! We wanted to make sure there was enough room for you and your spouses."

Karkat paused. Maybe he heard her wrong. He'd used some psionic training course to get a crash course in English before he landed, but maybe the program was glitched and he was translating wrong. He cleared his throat. "Spouses?" he repeated.

"Yes," Jane said. "Spouses! One for each quadrant. We picked some of our best and brightest for you, too, so I am confident you'll have excellent partners to work alongside as we go through this adjustment period!"

Karkat froze in place. Spouses, plural. Four spouses. It's not like his quadrants were actually filled, but it was too much to go from having no quadmates to having serendipity all at once. Was that really how human marriages worked? They had to do auspisticism differently, or there'd be five people involved, but was this really feasible? Did everyone just sort of... pair off? No, there'd have to be an odd person out eventually right?

"Um- Ambassador Vantas? Is everything okay?"

Shit. He was supposed to be acting as a diplomat. Feferi was counting on him to make this whole thing work, and that meant understanding human's fucked up culture, so...

"Yeah! Yeah. Everything's fine. Just peachy. Of course. Nothing unusual here! Thanks for the room. I could use a fucking nap, though. Space travel. You know how it is." He was sure she must be able to hear the panic in his voice based on the way she was looking at him, but Jane at least had the good sense not to call him out on it.

"Well- I'll leave you here to unpack your things and get used to the new place. We have a schedule for you to help learn more about human culture prior to the wedding. I'll send it to you soon, okay?"

"Sure." Karkat watched as Jane walked out of the room, at which point he promptly threw himself on the bed and held a pillow over his face.

What the hell had he gotten himself into?

Karkat looked over his schedule for the week with a bone-weary sigh. As promised, he was set to learn more about human culture from humans. First, he had scientific advancements, then live performance, then literature, and finally movies - one each day, with one day for wedding preparations, and then on the sixth day he'd have the wedding itself with his new quadrant mates. Was he being assigned a specific person for each quadrant, or was he going to just have to try and figure it out once they all got together?

Well, he'd figure it out. For now, he had his meeting going over human scientific accomplishments. They were probably nothing compared to Alternian technology, so he wasn't expecting to be impressed, but he figured it would be good to know what they did and didn't have.

Jane led him to one of the conference rooms and opened the door. On the table were all sorts of gadgets, and standing next to those gadgets was a tall human woman with long dark hair that she had tied back into a ponytail. She grinned upon seeing him, and it was like staring at the sun itself. Holy shit?

He walked up to her, and she held out a hand to shake. Okay, good. They were starting off with a custom he knew. Karkat reached his hand out and shook, making sure to give her a firm grip. He already felt the need to impress her, which was a dumb thing to feel, because he was going to be married to not one, but four other random people by the end of the week. He needed to save his getting attached to aliens energy for then.

"Hello! My name is Jade." She gave his hand a firm shake, and he was embarrassed by the way it made his blood pusher turn over. What was he, a wiggler? "And you're... Karkat?"

"Yeah, that's me," Karkat confirmed. "So you're going to teach me all about your human sciences?"

Jade snorted like he had said something funny. "Well, I was thinking of teaching you a little bit about our advancements in biology, chemistry, and physics, but if you really want to know about anthropology..."

He wasn't sure if this was an actual misunderstanding or if she was calling him out, but either way, he felt like an asshole. Great move trying to ingratiate himself to the humans by immediately belittling their scientific achievements. Best ambassador ever.

"Right. Just sciences. The sciences that humans have made advancements in. Those ones."

Jane stepped in, seemingly trying to avoid disaster before Karkat could see if he could get his strut pod shoved any further down his throat. "So! Jade here is actually an accomplished inventor herself. She's the head of her own company, SkaiaNet. I can't think of anybody better to introduce you to our latest technologies."

Great. So not only had he spoken down to someone he was trying to be a good diplomat to, he had also spoken down to one of the leading scientists in the field. Karkat wanted to dunk his head in a vat of sopor slime just to forget this moment.

"Impressive," he said, trying to salvage whatever he could. Jade was still grinning, but he was starting to wonder if maybe that was actually a form of human threat display. "Did you make all this stuff yourself, then?"

Jade lit up. Karkat felt like a whole nest of flutterbeasts had just hatched in his stomach and were trying to eat their way out. Who knew that aliens could be so attractive? "Most of it!" she answered.

"Are you all set with him?" Jane asked. It seemed like she was eager to get out of the room. Reasonably, she had other tasks to attend to, but Karkat was certain that she was just trying to run before things got too awkward.

"Yeah, I can handle him!" Jade assured her. With that, Jane turned tail and left, and Karkat was left with only Jade and all of her inventions.

The first few that she showed him were, admittedly, pretty underwhelming. A laptop? Basically a grubtop. A universal translator? She literally admitted that she'd adapted troll technology to make it. It sounded like human space travel was still in its infancy, too. She showed some schematics that she was working on that she hoped might solve the "fuel efficiency problem." Karkat wasn't an expert in rocket science, but he was pretty sure that trolls had figured that one out ages ago.

"I'll make sure to connect you with some of our engineers once things are settled," he offered. "I bet they'll have some good ideas for how to refine these."

"Oh, that would be fabulous! I've worked with troll tech before, but I haven't actually gotten to talk to trolls about their technology before! On account of the... you know."

Karkat knew she meant the horrible war, takeover, and rebellion. She probably knew that she knew. No need to speak it out loud.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I know. Anyways, what are these pads on the floor?"

"Oh! I was going to save these for last, but since you asked..." Jade rushed off to stand on one of the pads. She tapped a button in the middle with her foot, stood on the platform, was enveloped in a green light, and then-

She vanished.

Karkat gaped at the spot she'd been, walking over to make sure that she hadn't accidentally vaporized herself. Before he could get too close, though, he heard giggling from the other side of the room - from the other pad. He turned to look at her.

"What the fuck? Humans have teleporters?" Sure, trolls had found ways to bend spacetime to make space travel faster and more efficient, but many of those methods involved psionics. Actually, most of them involved slightly unethical uses of psionics. Straight up teleportation was something that was beyond them, though, and humans didn't even use psionics.

"We do! Or, we will soon. These used to be limited to the rebellion, so that they could have a way to move without troll forces knowing what's going on, but I'm currently in talks to get these set up in key locations to help with congestion in cities. Eventually we might even be able to reduce air travel too, but I'd want to make sure that it's well-calibrated for overseas use before putting it out to market..."

Karkat was, to put it bluntly, dazzled. This must be the smartest human in the universe. Hell, she might be the smartest being in the universe. Why was he marrying some four random schlubs rather than her? Granted, he was pretty sure his feelings were running a little redder than pale, but...

Jade continued to walk him through her inventions, and even though many of them still had troll overlaps, he was instead impressed. Trolls had this kind of tech for centuries. Humans were still new to this kind of thing. This was impressive, and it was something that could be nurtured and improved within Feferi's new framework to improve the quality of life through the whole galaxy.

Near the end of their time, there was a knock on the door. Karkat was expecting that it was Jane coming by to pick him up and whisk him off to some other meeting, but instead it was some pale-haired human in dark-tinted shades. He was a little shorter than Jade, but still taller than Karkat, and he walked over and pulled Jade into a hug.

"Hey, babe. How's the troll orientation going?" he asked. Jade giggled in a way that made Karkat's stomach contort into envious knots.

"I'd say it's going well!" Jade replied. "What do you think, Karkat? Are you feeling oriented now?"

"Yeah, I'm feeling oriented." He tried to keep the grumpiness out of his voice, but it was admittedly hard to bite back on it as the new human turned his face in to begin dropping kisses along Jade's neck. Of course she was taken. Why would someone as amazing as her be single? He was stupid for thinking otherwise.

The pale human whispered something into her ear, and Jade perked up. "Oh! I'm so sorry, Karkat- I have to go a few minutes early. I think I went through all of the tech I needed to, though! Do you have any questions?"

There was the temptation to ask some, just to keep her here a bit longer, but that would probably also mean keeping him around for a bit longer, and Karkat didn't want that at all. So he shook his head. "No questions. You were pretty damn thorough. Feel like I could teach a whole course on human technology now."

Jade beamed at him. "Great! Well, if you do think of anything, then just reach out to Jane, and she can get you in touch with me," she said. "I'll see you around, Karkat!"

"Yeah. I'll see you around."

For the next day's meeting, Karkat was led down to an auditorium for his briefing on "live performance." It seemed weird to him for this to be its own thing, but he wasn't the expert on human culture, so he didn't really question it. Maybe live performance was a really big deal for them or something.

When they made it to the door of the auditorium, it was mostly closed, but cracked open just a little bit. Jane paused in front of it for a moment as though she was sizing something up, and then she simply smiled at him. "Well- this is where we part ways for today, Ambassador Vantas. Enjoy your meeting. Hoo hoo!"

With that, Jane quickly scurried away; Karkat narrowed his eyes. Whatever. Maybe it was just some weird human thing.

He opened the door, stepped inside, and something immediately fell on top of his head. Karkat froze in place. Was this it? Were the humans rebelling? He thought they were friendly with Feferi, though, and why go through the issue of introducing him to Jade if-

Nothing more came, and when Karkat lifted the object off of his head, he heard snickering from the front of the stage. Oh god. This was some sort of stupid human joke, wasn't it? Some dumb, inane, primitive alien joke that was never going to translate.

Karkat looked at what had been dropped on him, and he felt a swelling of far too many emotions.

A filial pail.

His cheeks burned with embarrassment and fury and a feeling all too black as he looked up at the human who was sitting on the stage. He looked so smug, and Karkat wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off of his face. Maybe by biting it off.

Wait, shit. He needed to pull himself together. He was here to learn about live performance, not fill his black quadrant. He let out a huff and marched up to the stage.

"What the fuck has gotten into that vapid empty think sponge of yours?" Karkat demanded. "Did they tell you in the meeting briefing that the goal was to be as culturally insensitive towards the Alternian diplomat as possible, or did you just do that yourself because you're sick and get your weird human shame globes off to it?"

The human on the stage held his hands up as though to surrender to Karkat's obviously impeccable logic. "Woah, woah! It's just a bucket! You aren't hurt are you?"

Karkat hefted the so-called "bucket" up in his hand, trying not to be embarrassed about it. He was an adult! Fully molted! Not some stupid wiggler who got flustered over the idea of even kissing another troll, let along filling a pail with them.

"This! This is not just a bucket you insipid ignoramus. It's a filial pail which is..." Fuck, he did not want to give troll sex ed to this human right now. "Look, let's just say it's an important part of troll culture and leave it there. Either way, incredibly fucking disrespectful to have fall on a foreign diplomat's head."

"Sorry!" the human said, though he sounded more exasperated than he did sorry. "Lesson learned. Wow, see, we are having so much cultural exchange already! See the power of comedy?"

Karkat set the bucket on the ground. "No. Human comedy seems like weak grubsauce to me so far," he said. Much to his chagrin, this caused the human to laugh with mirth.

"Oh man, you look so grumpy. Look, I really am sorry! I want to help you out. I'm going to have to deal with some more troll stuff now separate from you, so I guess I should learn some stuff. Do you do hand shakes?"

Karkat narrowed his eyes. "We do handshakes," he said. "But if you are going to have a device on your hand that will administer an electric shock when we shake hands, then I am not shaking your hand."

The human guffawed. "Oh, trolls have hand buzzers? That's so cool! Like, convergent comedic evolution or something."

"They're an excellent tool for espionage and assassination."

"Okay, well I don't have an assassination hand buzzer," the human said.

Karkat narrowed his eyes. The human was grinning just a little too much. "No buzzer?" he repeated. "Just making sure we are clear on this. In no way do you have a buzzer in your hand, which you are going to activate the moment our palms touch."

"No buzzer!" the human confirmed. He was still grinning.

"So we are going to shake hands, and I will not be electrocuted?"

"No electrocution!"

Karkat kept his eyes narrowed, but he reached a hand out nonetheless. "Fine. My name's Karkat Vantas. Alternian Ambassador to Earth."

"Nice to meet you, Karkat! My name's John. I just make jokes." John reached out and took his hand.

He had a buzzer.

To his credit, it was not nearly as high voltage as a troll buzzer, but Karkat still swore loudly as he pulled his hand away. John laughed his merry ass off, clutching his stomach as he leaned back. "Oh man, you fell for it!"

"I didn't fall for it! You lied to me, you bulgesniffing fuckface!"

"You know, you are really funny. You'd kill in human stand up comedy!"

Karkat was not moved by the compliment. He walked back to sit in one of the seats a safe distance away, his arms crossed over his chest. "I don't see why I'm here. Why is human comedy so important that they want me to do a whole crash course on it?"

"Comedy is a big deal, Karkat!" John said. He straightened up and hopped onto the stage, wandering towards a mic. "It's one of the ways that humans feel good. Laughing is really important for morale, especially when times are rough. And if you know how to use it well, you can even use it to shape public opinion! Well, Dave and Rose would know more about the public opinion piece than I would, but."

John leaned against the mic casually. Karkat wanted to deck him, then maybe make out with him. God, he hadn't had black feelings this embarrassing since...

Well, probably ever.

John kept talking, though, oblivious to what a spadethrob he was. "Like, you just causally talk about, man, I get corporate branding is a thing, but why is all of CrockerCorp stuff so red? Is she trying to invoke, like, the blood of her enemies, or does she just want to make a whole bunch of bulls reeeallly mad?"

Kakat raised his eyebrows. He recognized Crocker as being Jane's last name, and he vaguely knew that The Condesce's initial mode of conquering Earth was through corporate domination. Was that related?

John rolled his eyes. "No, see, you're supposed to laugh! Like, haha, imagine a bunch of bulls running all mad after some Crocker tech. Anyways, comedy is a cultural medium! If you want to learn about humans, you've got to learn about what we laugh at."

Karkat raised his eyebrows. "And just what do you laugh at?" he asked.

"Glad you asked."

The next hour or so was spent with Karkat listening to a comedy set from the most infuriatingly hot human man in the universe. He was staunchly stone-faced for the first fifteen minutes of it, at least, but he couldn't help a couple of chuckles the deeper into things that John got.

Only a couple, though. He wasn't that weak-willed.

As the set was drawing to an end, the door to the auditorium opened. Karkat turned back, excited to see a familiar face. Jade stood there looking absolutely stunning. She smiled at him and caused his blood-pusher to stop dead in his chest for a second, but then she looked up at the stage.

"John! The tailor wants to see you for your fitting! Are you good to go, or should I tell her to wait?"

"Oh, I think I'm good here for now." John hopped off the stage. "It was fun talking to you, Karkat! If you ever want to learn how to be a stand up comic, hit me up. I think you'd be really good at it!"

With that, John rushed to join Jade at the door, and Karkat was left to sit there with his mind running wild.

Day three, and it was time for Karkat to expand his literary horizons. This time, he was sent to the library, and this time, he checked the top of the door for a bucket before he walked in. He heard a chuckle from inside the room as he walked in.

"I see you've already had your encounter with John?" asked a human woman who was sitting at a table in the center of the room. She had that unnaturally pale hair, much like the guy who had been with Jade had, though her lips were black like a troll's. He wondered if that was her attempt to make him feel more at home or if her lips were always like that. Either way, he liked it.

"Yeah," Karkat said. "I take it the two of you are acquainted?"

"In a manner of speaking." The human woman closed the book she had been holding and leaned her elbows on the table as she looked him over. Her eyes were a piercing violet, reminding him a little bit about what Gamzee's used to look like, whenever they got really close in a pile...

Ugh. He had to get that out of his mind. He was going to have an arranged moirail in a few days and Gamzee was long gone. Worrying about this kind of stuff was going to get in the way of forming good relationships with the humans he's going to be married to.

"Ambassador Vantas," he said, reaching a hand out across the table for her to shake. "Or- Karkat. I'm not all that precious about who's on a first name basis with me."

The woman took his hand and gave it a shake. "Lalonde," she said in return. "Though you are welcome to call me Rose, if we are intending to be on a first name basis with one another. Besides, Mrs. Lalonde was my mother."

There was something about the way she said that which made it sound like a joke, but Karkat didn't really know what was funny about it. It was probably a human thing, meaning that John had done a fucking terrible job at filling him in on how humor worked.

(Realistically, Karkat knew that there was no way that one guy could catch an alien up on every single human reference and inside joke within the span of an hour. That didn't stop Karkat from being grumpy about it.)

"Alright." Karkat leaned back. "So you're here to teach me about human books? Are they all that different from troll books?"

Rose pulled her hand back and leaned her elbow against the table again as she looked at him. "Well, it's hard for me to say," Rose admitted. "I don't know much about troll literature, I'm afraid. It was something that was not a priority for importation when the Batterwitch was in charge. Besides, these days humans tend to be more obsessed with video-based content - though don't let Dave know that I said that."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Dave?" That name was new to him. Granted, there were a lot of names that had been thrown at him over the past few days, so it was possible that he'd been told the name and promptly forgot it, but he was pretty sure that he could put the names to faces of most of the people he had met so far.

"Oh- my mistake. I expect you'll meet him tomorrow. He's an expert in movies."

Right. He remembered seeing that on the list as his last stop for his introduction to all of the important facets of human culture. "Well, your secret's safe with me, Rose."

"What can you tell me about Alternian literature? I'm fascinated to know more."

Karkat began to explain the basics: how romance novels were the overwhelming majority of novels, with many books ending with quadrant serendipity. "Which is really fucking rare in real life, mind you," he added. "A troll with two quadrants stably filled is considered as doing a pretty good job. Three all at once is like, the best adjusted person you know. Four? I don't think it's fucking possible. Like, the second you start to get settled with someone new, one of your other relationships starts to implode, and there's fucking nothing you can do to stop it."

"It sounds as though you speak from personal experience?" Rose asked, her eyebrows raised.

Karkat felt his cheeks flush. "Well- it's fucking hard juggling a revolution against the fucking Condescension herself and also handle two or three romantic partners at the same time."

Rose's lips quirked up. "How interesting you'd say that. I've never felt that way- if anything, I found the revolution gave me many avenues to pursue relationships. Perhaps another cultural difference between humans and trolls?"

"Maybe," Karkat allowed. "Anyways. Troll novels don't really reflect reality."

"I'd say that's true of many human novels as well," Rose said. "Though while romance is certainly a big genre in the publishing industry, we do have more grounded pursuits as well. Then again, I think if humans had as much variation in our romantic endeavors as trolls, we might be preoccupied with it more as well."

What was she talking about? It almost sounded like she was trying to imply that humans didn't have quadrants - but if they didn't, why do a four way marriage? And besides, she'd just talked about multiple partners.

"It's also pretty fucking mandatory that we get our quadrant acts together long enough for when the drones come," Karkat added. "Like, when it's life or death when you can't fill a pail, you start to get pretty damn interested in how to fill your quadrants, even if it's only for a night."

Rose's eyebrows raise. "The drones seek out... filial pails from you? And kill you if you don't comply?"

"Yeah." A beat. "Though I guess with Feferi as Empress now, we could probably do away with the fucking death penalty just for being a loser who can't get laid. Let them off with a warning or something."

Rose snorted. "I do hope that better utilization of drones will be a key part of the new Empress's legislative plans," she said. "I would especially love if they could stay off of earth entirely. When they came around to humans, they were not often looking for a 'pail.' They simply jumped right to the death penalty part."

Karkat squirmed in his seat a little bit. Right. He hadn't really gone up against the Condesce because he was fighting for alien rights or anything. He had gone up against her because she was a menace to her own species - but it was easy to forget that things were even worse for the aliens on the planets she conquered. Karkat was pretty sure there were some species that simply weren't going to bounce back at all, even with her gone.

Humans, though, seemed pretty resilient.

"Well- okay, if your books aren't about romance, what are they about?" Karkat asked.

Rose smiled. "I'm so glad you asked."

Karkat swiftly received a crash course in all of the different human genres of fiction. Many were familiar to him - fantasy was absolutely a genre in Alternian fiction too, though it was often fantasy romance - but others were an anathema. What was a "Western?" Why would humans care about a genre based on a cardinal direction? And the way Rose described "Cyberpunk" sounded a little too much like real life to be an interesting genre of fiction.

As Rose talked, she would occasionally stand to pull books from shelves, bringing them back over to the table to stack in front of Karkat. By the end, he had a stack at least ten books high, all from different genres and styles.

"Well- I do hope our conversation has been enlightening," Rose said. "Do see if you can acquire English translations of some of those troll novels you were mentioning, too. They sound very... informative."

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do. Sure it can't be too hard to get a digital copy for you at least." Karkat stood up. "I guess I'll take those back to my room to read them?"

"Please do," Rose said. "I'm sure this has all been something of a whirlwind for you. It's been a whirlwind for me, and I haven't even relocated planets to be surrounded by aliens. Take care of yourself. I want the relationship between Alternia and Earth to work this time."

A pause, then she looked down at the book she'd been holding. She added it to the top of his pile.

"Try that one too, if you wouldn't mind?" she said with a little smile. "I think you might relate to some of the themes. Revolutionary to revolutionary." She winked, and Karkat found himself stammering to try and get out a response. Before he could put anything to words, Rose had walked out the door, leaving him standing there agape.

He glanced at the book sitting on top of the pile.

"Complacency of the Learned
-- Rose Lalonde"

Karkat started reading through Rose's book that night, fascinated. At first it seemed like pretty standard fantasy fare, only without a focus on romance, but the further in he got, the more he saw the not-so-subtle nods to the revolution that must have been happening on the human planet. It was significantly different from the kind of revolution the trolls were waging - more subtle, focused on trying to divert humans away from troll-made tech that was intended to brainwash them into becoming compliant drones for the empire.

He thought back to the technology that Jade had showed him. Sure, much of it hadn't seemed as impressive to him, but if she was trying to develop technologies that hadn't been touched by The Condesce, then maybe it was more of a big deal than he thought.

He stayed up late into the night reading, because truthfully, it was still a little odd for him to go to bed at night, even if that was what the humans did. As a result, he was a little exhausted the next day, even though this was probably the piece of human culture he was most interested in. He liked movies, and though he was sure that humans could never match up to troll cinema, he was at least interested in seeing what they could come up with.

All of that excitement and interest was immediately shot the second that he walked into the cinema and saw him.

It was the same pale-haired asshole who had been all over Jade, wearing those douche-y shades even though they were in a movie theater. Who did he think he was trying to impress? Certainly not Karkat.

Karkat walked up to him, trying to be at least kind of polite. For diplomacy or whatever the fuck.

"Hey. I'm Ambassador Vantas. You're the movie guy?"

"Yeah, that's what they tend to call me," the movie guy responded. There was a little quirk to his lips, like he was thinking of smiling, but had thought better of it. "Mr. Movie Guy. Actually, no, just Guy; Mr. Movie Guy was my father."

Karkat narrowed his eyes. Rose had made a similar joke to him. He still didn't understand it, and it sounded even stupider coming out of this guy's mouth.

"Okay, haha. What is your actual name?" Karkat asked.

"Dave," he responded. "Or Strider if you wanna be on a last name basis."

"Alright, Strider," Karkat said. He sat down in the seat next to the seat next to Dave, not wanting to get too close. "So you said you're here to show the glory of human cinema to me?"

"Fuck yeah. I got a whole movie marathon planned. Those motherfuckers who call running a marathon don't have shit on this. You're gonna need to replenish so many electrolytes. Be real out of breath. We'll get a number to pin to the front of our shirts and everything."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Don't worry about it," he said. "Instead, worry about how these movies are gonna blow your socks off."

Karkat was skeptical, but he sunk into his chair. "Fine. Let them play. We'll let the cinema fucking speak for itself."

The cinema did speak, almost immediately and obnoxiously. Karkat was hit in the face with a swirl of nauseating color. The camera was held at an angle. The shot had been edited in post to be downright psychedelic, and then it looked like the video had been compressed and uncompressed. The audio was just slightly off of the actors speaking, and there were subtitles on the screen for a language that Karkat didn't recognize even with his extensive psionic briefing on earth languages before coming here.

The film was giving him a headache.

"Is this really what classifies as a movie for you guys?" he asked, lip curling at the nauseating spectacle in front of him.

"Yeah, this one is considered one of the greats," Dave said. "The imagery is off the charts. Symbolism bursting at the seams here. Making seamstresses all over the world weep for all of their hard-sewn seams."

Karkat had a hard time believing that. What was the plot? What was the point? There were human actors saying lines that made no damn sense, with pronunciations that didn't match what his translator was expecting at all.

"This Crockercorp stuff... is cronk SHIT," said one of the main characters, tossing some Crockercorp branded item on the ground. It burst, and a horrible large grub crawled out of it. It didn't look like a troll grub, so it must have been some earth animal that was convergently similar.

Karkat squinted as he watched the characters react. "No, tat's how you know its gooood!" said the other actor.

The first actor pulled an inexplicable face, and then proceeded to stomp on the grub. Karkat winced a bit, but he cast a sidelong glance to Dave, who he realized was looking at him.

"Was that... counter-propaganda?" Karkat asked, almost hesitant.

This time, there was no hint of a smile. He was full on grinning. "You bet your ass it is," he said.

Okay. The movie was still dogshit, but Karkat at least found himself interested. Now that he knew he was supposed to be looking out for it, he could see more anti-Crockercorp sentiment strewn throughout the otherwise incomprehensible movie. It really felt like the only thing his brain could really land on, since the rest of it felt like throwing spaghetti at the wall and then watching it bounce right back at you.

It became a fascinating exercise in film analysis. It quickly became clear that whoever had made this film had done so- it was weird to use the word expert for a film that had been compressed so many times that the actors often seemed to have a haze of jpeg artifacts around them at all times. But it was clearly done with intention, and Karkat was able to follow that intention with surprising clarity despite the utter insanity on display.

At the end, the credits rolled, and a studio logo that was clearly made and drawn in MS Paint was thrown up on the screen. It read "Strider Production Co." Karkat glanced to Dave, who was still looking at him with a grin.

"That was your film?" he asked.

Dave nodded. "Yeah. That was mine. What'd you think?"

"It was a pile of steaming hoofbeast shit," Karkat said in no uncertain terms. Somehow, he knew that Dave wouldn't take it badly. After all, any person who made something like this clearly knew what they were making and why.

"Fuck yeah it is." Dave sounded like a lusii might look over the new troll wiggler they had adopted. "But you saw the subtle stuff in there, right?"

"Yeah, I saw it," Karkat said. "Though why the hell was this your method of delivery? Would have probably been more effective to have..." Karkat glanced back at the credits and pulled a name out at random. "Donald Glover to turn to the camera and say, hey, there is an alien dictator who is trying to take over the earth, you gotta fucking mobilize your forces."

Dave snorted. "Yeah, I could have done that, and then she would have sent a sniper after me, and everyone would have called me absolutely crazy. Or like, even if I had managed to mobilize all of the earth armies, what would that have done for us? We'd have been crushed immediately. Nah, you gotta be subtle with it."

"By making a shitty movie?"

"Well, there's probably other ways I could have done it," Dave reasoned. "But I liked this way." A beat. Karkat couldn't fathom what would possess anybody to make a bad movie on purpose, even if they could sneak some counter-propaganda in there. Before he could question it, though, Dave spoke up. "You wanna watch another one?"

"Yeah, sure."

Karkat ended up watching two more movies with Dave before somebody came into the theater. It was Jade again. Karkat sat up a little bit straighter, even though he knew it was ridiculous. It was clear that the two of them were together.

"Hey, Dave! We're waiting for you at dinner!"

We? Karkat raised an eyebrow, but neither of the humans seemed intent on giving him an explanation.

"Ah, shit. I lost track of time. See you around, Vantas. I got more movies where that came from."

With that, Dave left, and Karkat did his best to bury that simmering jealousy in the pit of his gut.

The last day before the wedding was mostly spent in a blur. Karkat was fitted with a tuxedo, which needed some minor adjustments to make sure that it fit his troll proportions properly. He was walked through the basics of the wedding ceremony. It sounded like mostly all he needed to do was walk down the aisle and say "I do" at a key moment.

None of it was hard. In fact, a lot of things were being taken care of for him. Objectively, this may have been the best case scenario for a human wedding. But that night, he couldn't fall asleep.

The fact that he was still in a human bed and not a recuprecoon wasn't helping matters, but he knew he was capable of sleeping on the bed. He just couldn't when his mind was racing the way that it was.

Who was he marrying? What if he didn't get along with them? What if he somehow fucked this all up so royally that he forever ruined the relationships between trolls and humans for years to come? It sounded like humans had a pretty strong revolutionary spirit - if he fucked this up, they'd probably find a way to take him out before he could get Feferi to get him off planet.

He paced around the bedroom, but that didn't help. Every time he looked at the size of his human bed, he remembered what was coming, and his blood pusher started to race.

Instead, Karkat left the bedroom. He took his time to wander around the embassy, getting acquainted with some of the rooms. It was pretty well equipped, truth be told. There was a theater, an auditorium, a library, and a conference room, all of which he'd seen already. There was also a main office that he supposed was going to be his, though there were other desks and chairs around. Mostly, though, his exploration of the building had been with Jane at his side. Right now, he didn't have anybody watching over him, so he roamed freely.

He stopped by the dining room, which was currently empty, and poked his head into the kitchen. Also empty, though he rummaged around in it for a troll-friendly snack. At least someone was on top of their shit, because there were some crunchy grub bars left out on one of the counters. It was like they knew he'd be wandering and need a midnight snack. Karkat grabbed three.

He continued to wander, poking his head into other rooms. There were a couple of other offices here which he assumed would be used by other members of staff, like Jane. There were also bathrooms, reading nooks...

When he went up the top flight of stairs, though, he found something really special. A rooftop garden.

He took in a deep breath of air, stretching out as he looked up at the night sky. It wasn't quite as brilliant as it was when he was out in space - humans put out a lot of light pollution - but it was still somewhat comforting to see the stars and a moon, even if it wasn't the twin moons he'd grown up with.

However, just as he was about to relax, he heard muffled voices coming from nearby. Karkat straightened up, suddenly on edge. Who was here? Jane seemed to have gone home for the night to wherever she lived, and as far as he knew, there wasn't anybody else who was supposed to be living here yet...

He crept out from behind some latticework and squinted. Oh. Them.

All four of Karkat's cultural ambassadors were currently on his rooftop, lounged on top of each other on a patio sofa. It was only big enough for three of them to sit on, but they were making it work because Jade was splayed out across the laps of the other three. Dave twirled some of her hair around his fingers in a way that looked so sweet, but his eyes also trailed down to the way that Rose was massaging her ankles. John wasn't exactly immune from being touchy-feely either; he leaned into Dave's neck, mumbling something against his skin before laughing and kissing it.

So the four of them were all quadrant mates together. That made sense, Karkat supposed. It would be easier to convince somebody to get someone all the way out here to school him on human culture if their quad mates were also here with them.

Still, it was odd. He couldn't see any indication of which quadrants each of them landed in. Dave seemed to be pale with Jade and red with John, but he'd definitely seemed more red with Jade when they'd first met. Maybe quadrants were more fluid than they were with humans? But then where did Rose play into this? Red or pale? Would that leave John as some form of black or ashen for Jade? But that didn't make sense...

"Ah. It seems we have a visitor," Rose intoned. Karkat jumped, cleared his throat, and straightened his posture. It seemed like he was interrupting an intimate moment, and he didn't want them thinking he was some kind of freaky voyeur. Imagine if that was the thing that sent humans and trolls back into conflict with each other.

"Look, I'm not trying to be a fucking creep," he said, stepping out so that they could see him better. If he was more visible, it would be clear that he wasn't trying to skulk around, even if absolutely was skulking only moments ago. "I just heard voices from up here. Wanted to know what the hell was going on."

"We're chilling," Dave said, as though that explained everything.

"Yeah, I can see that." Karkat said, crossing his arms over his chest. "But why are you chilling on my roof?"

The humans all looked between each other, like they were considering whether or not Karkat might be stupid. Rose was finally the one to speak.

"We work here," Rose said. "We simply wanted to relax together after a busy day."

"You could join us!" Jade offered with a grin. Karkat looked at the way she was splayed out across the laps of the other three. He didn't think there was a way to join them without simply piling on top of them, which caused heat to rise to his cheeks.

Okay. Thinkpan out of the gutter. He let out a huff. "I don't think there's room."

"We could make room!" Jade sat up, which only left an open spot on Dave's lap. Karkat eyed it with the wariness of one checking a rabid lusii's dental work.

"I think I'm good standing. Wanted to stretch my legs anyways."

"Is that why you're all the way up on the roof?" John asked.

"Yeah," Karkat said. It was technically true, but it felt like he was leaving out a key point. He let out a sigh, running a hand back through his hair. "Well- I mean, you know, the big ceremony tomorrow?"

"We're aware of it," Rose intoned.

"I'm just not sure what to expect. I mean, no, I know what to expect from like, a ceremony perspective. I've been pretty well fucking schooled on that by now. Stand there, listen to someone talk, then say 'I do.' But it's a big fucking deal. What if I make a nooksniffing ass out of myself up there?"

Dave snorted with laughter. "Nooksniffing ass," he repeated. "Good one."

Jade cut in. "You won't make an ass out of yourself!" she insisted much more kindly. "And even if you did, then you're a troll. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect! The fact that you're willing to do a human ceremony in the first place is already huge."

"Yeah, the batterwitch would have never," John agreed.

Karkat didn't feel like that was enough. The humans shouldn't have just been satisfied with having a troll ambassador who wasn't going to murder them and would actually partake in their customs. He should be more ready than he actually felt like he was.

"Well, I'll take being better than a literal galactic dictator," Karkat said, "but that's not a very high bar to clear."

"You'll be great!" Jade assured him. "Just relax a little. You sure you don't want to join us?"

Karkat looked at the way that the four of them were all splayed out across each other like it was nothing, and his gut twisted with envy. Human relationships seemed weird and mushy in terms of quadrants, but he wanted things to be as easy as it seemed for the four of them. But what were the odds? He was going to be marrying four strangers tomorrow, and there was no guarantee that he'd gel with them.

"No," he said after a moment. "But I appreciate the offer. Thanks."

Somehow, Karkat was able to get back to his room and sleep that night, but just barely. The day of the wedding, he awoke to the sound of an insistent knocking on his door.

"Ambassador Vantas!" That was Jane's voice. "We need to get you ready. The ceremony is in a few hours, and Empress Feferi is going to be by in even less time than that."

Karkat sat up straight at the word that Feferi was going to be here. Didn't she have a galaxy to run? What was she doing coming to watch him get hitched to four aliens? Maybe Jane was lying. She was probably lying just to get him up and going, right?

Regardless, it worked. Karkat was up and out of bed, and he allowed himself to be escorted out of the embassy and to some large event hall where the actual ceremony was going to be taking place. It was clearly some big todo, and the number of people who were busy running around to get things ready was insane. He raised an eyebrow.

"How many people really care about watching an alien ambassador get hitched?" Karkat asked.

"Hm. We're expecting a couple hundred, at least. Lots of members of the press, loved ones, politicians... It doesn't help that your spouses to be are pretty well known! They were all key figures in the revolution. Everybody knows and respects them. No offense, Ambassador Vantas, but there are probably more people interested in them than they are in you."

"None taken," Karkat grumbled. Great. So his spouses were going to be famous and probably embroiled in politics and drama. They were probably going to be so stuck up about it, too.

As Karkat was lead through the side wings of the hall, he briefly passed by John, who waved at him with a big goofy grin. Karkat sort of waved back, though he also sort of imagined flipping him off. He had to remind himself to be diplomatic. Besides, with three partners, odds were good that John's black quadrant was taken, even if it looked different for humans.

He was eventually brought to the equivalent of a dressing room, where no less than three people starting futzing with his appearance. One human was busy dealing with his hair, the other focused on his clothes, and the third kept mumbling about finding a color match for makeup on gray skin. He did his best to be compliant, but it was hard not to complain at least a little when the one trying to tame his hair with a hairbrush kept tugging too hard.

He was put together in remarkable time; Karkat supposed that whoever these people were, they were pretty used to getting schlubs ready for events that they were in no way prepared for. Karkat really hoped that his position here with his new famous spouses wasn't going to lead to him having to endure this even more than he already was.

When they were mostly done, they scattered. "Is Egbert ready yet?" he overheard one of them whisper. "Did he even try to tame his hair? Oh goodness-"

And then they were out of sight. Karkat raised an eyebrow. Was Egbert one of the people he was supposed to be marrying, or was he some other important part of the proceedings? He tried to remember if he had met an Egbert yet - he didn't think so. He figured he'd meet him soon enough.

Karkat looked at himself in the mirror. Human formal wear was so much different from Alternian formal wear. Alternian wear had always been so... militaristic. Even for trolls who weren't part of the military, the fancier clothes tended to mimic things like uniforms, because that was the highest level of prestige that somebody could achieve. Here, though, they just seemed like... clothes.

Well, the bow tie looked dumb as hell in his honest opinion, but at least it didn't invoke the imagery of the kind of guy who might order the extermination of an entire sentient species. He'd take it.

He let out a heavy sigh. He wanted to wander a bit like he had last night, when he'd last felt these nerves, but he had the sense that he was supposed to be staying here. The humans would be upset if they lost track of him, and he didn't want to start a diplomatic incident just because he wanted to pace up and down the halls.

He wondered if Jade was here. Or Rose, or Dave. He knew John was here, and if one was here, then they'd probably all be here. They'd seemed so attached at the hip. He hoped they were. He liked the idea of knowing at least some of the people in the audience at his own wedding.

Before Karkat could get too lost in thought on that, there was a knock at the door. He straightened up and turned to look at it with narrow eyes. Who the fuck was bothering him?

"Come in?" he offered. It was a struggle sometimes to be polite by default, but this felt like a bad time to risk offending people.

In moments, the door flung itself open, and there stood the Empress to the Galaxy herself, Feferi Peixes. "Karkrab! Oh, you look so handsome in your human wedding clothes."

Karkat stared at her for a moment, partially trying to make sure that she was actually real and that he wasn't somehow hallucinating her presence. After blinking several times, she was still there, still beaming down at him, and he had to acknowledge that yes, Feferi was really here. He cleared his throat.

"You came all this way out to see me?" he asked. "Don't you have better things to be doing? You know, ruling the galaxy and all?"

"There's nothing more I'd rather do than be here!" she said. "Besides, this is actually very important business. Of course you are going to be the primary ambassador to earth, but I don't think it's a good look if I never touch down on any of the planets that we are trying to build alliances with. Being here as a show of support is vital!"

Karkat squinted at her. This was an argument he might have bought if they weren't still only a few weeks into her new reign as Empress, but they were. There were so many more fires that she should have been putting out right now.

Probably. That wasn't really his purview anymore. His purview was just learning about humans and making sure they cooperated with trolls despite the attempted takeover.

"Okay," he said. "I guess I'm honored by your presence or whatever."

"Thank you!" Feferi walked past him to sit on one of the arm chairs that was in the corner of the room. She leaned forward, placing her chin in her hands. "So, how do you feel? You're about to be human married! Have you met your spouses yet? What are they like?"

Karkat pulled a face. "I haven't been told who they are yet," he said. "I only just learned that apparently they're some big war heroes who everyone is fucking fascinated by, hence the big ceremony."

Feferi frowned thoughtfully. "That's weird. I thought the plan was to meet them before you married, but... well, I suppose this whole wedding is a little out of the ordinary, isn't it? Trolls don't really have ceremonies like this, and humans don't normally have five people married together all at once."

What? Karkat could feel his brow knitting together as he continued to look at Feferi. Five was unusual? Wouldn't that be the ideal number for human quadrants? Sure, Jade and the others only had four, but... "What do you mean?"

"Well, humans normally only marry one person!" Feferi said. "But surely you know that, Karkat. You've been spending a whole week getting schoolfed on it! That's what they told me you were doing, anyways."

What?

"Feferi, nobody fucking told me about that," he said. "I learned about like, science and movies and shit. I don't know who designed this cultural indoctrination plan, but it seems like they left some pretty key details out! I thought they did a marriage for each quadrant. That's why I was getting four."

"Humans don't do quadrants, silly! They pick one person and that's the person they do all of their romance with."

"Okay, well I know that's obviously fucking untrue," Karkat said. "I've seen humans with multiple partners in front of my very ganderbulbs. I know their quadrants aren't as strict as ours, but they have to have some."

Feferi hummed and then shrugged in a way that was perhaps too lackadaisical for somebody who carried the weight of galactic peace on her very shoulders. "Well, that was what I'd always been told, but maybe the records I'd been sent were mistaken!"

"Must have been," Karkat grumbled, though there was something that was nagging him about it. Humans normally only had the one partner... but he was marrying four... but he knew a group of humans that had made themselves into a quartet...

But wouldn't they have said something?

Before Karkat could think too hard on it, there was a knock on the door. Jane was there. "Ambassador Vantas, we're just about ready for- oh!" She cleared her throat and stood up a little straighter. "Empress Peixes. I had assumed you'd be with the audience - we reserved a seat right up front for you."

"Thank you shoal much!" Feferi stood and all but waltzed out the door. Jane cleared her throat.

"Anyways- as I was saying. Ambassador Vantas, the ceremony is nearly set to start. We need you to get in position."

"Right." Karkat stood and looked at his reflection in the mirror one last time before he turned back to Jane. "I'm ready."

She led him out towards the front of the venue, where the last few guests were trickling in. A couple of them noticed him and gaped for a moment before being waved on through by the ushers. Karkat figured that it was going to take a while for most humans to get used to trolls. It had been a relief that Jade, Rose, John, and Dave had all treated him pretty normally by comparison.

Finally, though, the doors closed and music began to play in the bigger room. Jane situated him such that he was standing right in front of the door. "They'll open in about a minute," she whispered. He'd already been walked through the steps of the ceremony, but it was a relief to hear them again. "When you do, you'll walk down. Take a brisk pace, but don't run. It's a big room, so you want to cross it, but you don't want to seem rushed."

"Right," Karkat mumbled. "I've got it." He glanced around. He was the only person out here, other than Jane. "What about..."

"They'll be here in a second, once you're on through. It's considered bad form for a groom to see his betrothed before the walk down the aisle. This is different circumstances but... it sure is hard to break from tradition sometimes! Oh, but that's you! Good luck, Karkat!"

With that, Jane skittered away, the doors opened, and Karkat was faced with what felt like the longest aisle he had ever seen in his life. There were hundreds of people in here, and all eyes were pointed towards him. He felt some of his military training coming to the surface on instinct; there was the feeling that anybody here could be an insurgent, out for his life. The flimsy tux suddenly didn't feel like it was thick enough.

Still, it would be a bad first impression to earth if he just stood there like a dumbfounded wriggler, so Karkat stepped forward.

"Introducing Ambassador Karkat Vantas, allied with Empress Peixes herself in the Alternian revolution against Betty Crocker!" A disembodied voice echoed throughout the room; it seemed they had a good sound system set up. It was sort of funny to hear "Betty Crocker" thrown around as a name for The Condesce; he liked the term "batterwitch" more.

A musical procession played as Karkat walked down the aisle, and he tried to keep his face passive as he looked over the sea of aliens. Humans had more variation in skin and hair tone than trolls did; he'd already noticed it among the humans he'd met so far, but it was much more stark now that he was in a room full of them. Then again, he'd also heard they only had one shade of blood. He scanned the crowd to see if he could at least spot John, Rose, Dave, or Jade, but he couldn't find them. That didn't mean they weren't here somewhere, though; there were so many people here that it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

He could see that they were all looking back at him, which was intimidating, but Karkat kept it cool. He'd been through worse. The harder thing was stifling a snort of laughter when he saw Feferi sitting up front, so clearly out of place among all of the humans. She waved at him enthusiastically, and he gave her a simple nod of acknowledgement as he came to stand up front.

There was an officiant there that he didn't recognize - a tall, older woman who exuded an air of regality. "As a show of good faith, we have met the Alternian Ambassador with four of the greatest heroes of our revolution. They will show that troll and human can stand side by side having fought the same tyrant that threatened our species."

She cleared her throat. "Introducing first, John Egbert."

Karkat clenched his jaw so that it didn't drop. The doors opened, and sure enough, there was John. He'd been cleaned up a little, though they hadn't fully managed to tame his hair, and he beamed as he walked down the aisle. He gave a little wave to people he must have recognized. He was infuriatingly charming about it too.

As John walked, the woman at the front continued to speak. "John Egbert is world renowned for his comedy, but he also served as an invaluable double agent during the early days of the rebellion. With his aid, humanity was able to discover Betty Crocker's plans much earlier than we otherwise would have. Even once his cover was blown, his comedy gave us a reason to laugh during the toughest parts of the rebellion."

Her spiel finished just as John came to join him up front. John grinned at him, one part friendly, one part mischievous.

Karkat realized this motherfucker had known all along. He narrowed his eyes, wanting to say something, but it was time for his next spouse to be announced. He had a feeling he knew where this was going already.

"Next, Rose Lalonde. An illustrious author and one of the greatest tacticians that humanity could have hoped to have on our side. It was said by allies that she could often see the future with how insightful her predictions could be. Her novels served as effective counter-propaganda and provided the funds to run many of the vital operations of the rebellion efforts."

Rose stepped through the doors in a long, elegant white dress, keeping her gaze kept calmly forward, though Karkat noticed a small quirk to her lips, and the way her eyes would occasionally dart to the side, as though to ensure that people were still looking at her. She came to join him and John up at the front, standing next to John and taking his arm in hers.

"Dave Strider. Film director by day, extraction expert by night. His award-winning films helped to alert the common people of the enemy threat, but his sword saved even more lives than the countless times it was broken in two." Karkat raised an eyebrow at the last line and looked to Rose and John who were both smirking a little. Some sort of inside joke, then.

Dave walked through the doors next, wearing a tux similar to John's. He wore a stoic expression, though he did give a cool nod to some of the audience as he walked by. It sounded to Karkat like he had slightly more applause than the other two - he figured it stood to reason that humans liked movies more than they did reading novels or sitting down for a stand up routine. Trolls were pretty much the same way.

Dave came to stood next to Rose, lips quirking just a little as he gave Karkat a nod of acknowledgement. Karkat gave one in return.

"Finally, we have Jade Harley. A brilliant businesswoman and an even more brilliant scientist. She's been fighting this battle longer than perhaps anybody else on earth, and SkaiaNet still stands proudly beside her inventions as one of the key pieces of resistance."

Jade's dress was white, just like Rose's, but there were floral decorations in lace, and it didn't cling to her body quite as closely. She was beaming as she walked down the aisle, and she made it to the front before her little blurb was even finished because she sped up the closer she got to him.

Or, no, she was probably speeding up to be closer to the other three. When she made it to the front, she promptly latched herself around Dave's other arm- but then she fixed Karkat with that brilliant smile, and he felt like he was staring into the sun. It was blinding.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. It just hit him. He was marrying them. The same humans that he'd been having confusing feelings about all week, who were also so clearly into each other. How the hell was this going to work? Were they really okay with inviting him into their relationship? If Feferi was to be believed, it wasn't even a normal relationship for humans, and now here he was, going to mess it all up for them-

Before Karkat could do anything that might ruin the proceedings, the woman officiating began to speak. Karkat wasn't really paying attention to her. He knew that she was saying something about the importance of peace between trolls and humans, about how momentous this occasion was. Whatever. It was probably just fancier version of the same argument that had convinced him to be here in the first place.

It didn't seem like the other four were paying much attention to the speech either. They were staring right at him, each with varying levels of a smile across their face. Were they actually happy about this?

He had so many questions to ask, but he couldn't ask them here. Not in front of the packed room of aliens and the very leader of his species. They'd have to wait, but they were threatening to explode out of him at any moment. His hands clenched at his sides. Did they have quadrants or not? Were they expecting to be put into quadrants? He could probably sort them, if he had to, but the longer he knew them, the blurrier it got. Jade was the most obvious fit for red, but it wasn't like the other three weren't also viable red candidates. He could feel the same sort of flutterbeasts in his stomach when he thought of Rose's brilliant eyes or that unabashed enthusiasm on Dave's face whenever he was showing off his films. Black could be John, but it wasn't as though he didn't also feel a keen sense of rivalry with Dave, and that smug look on Rose's face when she walked down the aisle was one he'd love to wipe off of her face with his teeth.

Pale? He imagined being in the middle of that pile on the roof with them from last night, and he wanted nothing more than to pap all of their faces. And how the hell would ashen even work? He couldn't just be ashen with one of them, right? So that was going to be a whole fucking federal issue and-

"I do."

Karkat was distracted from his own mental turmoil by the sound of John speaking up. He refocused his attention on the officiant, his face feeling warm. Had he messed something up? Had everyone noticed that he was zoning out in a panic.

No- everybody was looking at Rose next.

"Do you, Rose Lalonde, take Karkat Vantas to be your lawfully wedded husband?" she asked.

"I do," Rose replied.

Similar questions were asked of both Dave and Jade.

"I do."

"I do."

Then, finally, the attention was all on him. The officiant took a deep breath, as though anticipating a lot.

"Do you, Karkat Vantas, take John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, and Jade Harley to be your lawfully wedded spouses?"

Karkat looked over at all four of them, and all four of them were looking directly back at him. There was something encouraging in the way they smiled at him - something that drew him in, wanting more. They'd find a way to make this work.

"I do," he confirmed

"Then you may now kiss your... brides and grooms."

"Wh-"

Before Karkat could ask what that meant, the other four surged in and all kissed him. John got his forehead, Jade got one cheek, Rose got the other cheek, and Dave ended up kissing somewhere on his chin. This was then followed by the four of them all exchanging kisses with one another in rapid succession, like they'd practiced this.

Knowing them, they probably had.

The crowd clapped and cheered - Feferi loudest of all - though as Karkat looked out over the attendees, he saw more than a few who looked surprised.

Before Karkat could wonder about that, John and Jade grabbed his hand, and he was dragged down the aisle and out the big double doors.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Karkat went to the reception and danced with each of his new spouses, but whenever he tried to ask about the logistics of this, they always gave him an emphatic not now! and diverted his attention elsewhere. He could see them all taking the time to talk to what looked like very important people, and a few of them taking the time to talk to other humans who looked a lot like he did. Dave was even talking to someone who wore shades like he did.

Feferi insisted on getting a dance at the reception, and after that, Karkat felt so dizzy that he was ready to lie down. As if on cue, Rose slid up next to him.

"You look as though you're about done with this party," she remarked. "Is that a safe assumption to make?"

"Safe and accurate," Karkat replied.

"Then let's be off. I'll round up the others."

It took Rose almost no time at all to get the others - a subtle nod of a head here, an enticing smile there, and they all broke from their conversations to join her and Karkat. The five of them slipped out with little fanfare, which after all of the extensive fanfare from earlier in the day, Karkat was more than fine with.

When they finally made it back to his room - to their room - Karkat heaved a huge sigh and sat himself down on the edge of the bed, looking up at them.

"So," he started. "What's the fucking deal with the four of you?"

John snorted a little, and Rose rolled her eyes. Jade looked a little more genuinely confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean- look, I don't care what your deal is, but I've now been led to believe that it is a little weird for four humans to all be intimate with each other."

Dave sat down next to him on the bed. "Yeah, normally it's just pairs," he said. "But that's boring."

"Agreed." Rose sat down on his other side, looking smug again. "I'll confess that our agreement to this arrangement was more strategic than anything else. After the revolution, we all had so many eyes on us that it would become obvious pretty quickly that we were a quartet rather than two pairs."

"Yeah, and I didn't really want tabloids all about like, oh is John secretly gay and cheating on his girlfriend with his best bro?" John added, flopping down behind Karkat. Jade flopped down across the three laps available, giggling to herself.

"What the fuck is gay?" Karkat asked.

"Man, trolls don't know what gay is?" Dave asked, sounding amused.

"It's like when a girl likes only girls, or when a guy likes only boys!" Jade explained helpfully as Rose started to run her fingers through her hair.

"You guys have a word for that?"

"You don't?"

"No. Why would I care whether my partner was a boy or a girl? You're all aliens anyways."

"A man after my own heart," Rose teased. "Either way, marrying you means that, no matter what we do, it will always be overshadowed by the fact that we are all fourway married to a troll. What does it matter if I am kissing four people if one of those people is actually an alien? That's all people will talk or care about. It's our own way of controlling the narrative."

"Though- it's not like we don't like you!" Jade added quickly. "We aren't going to just ignore you while the four of us make out. Unless you want that?"

"Jade, have you fucking seen the way he looks at you? Of course he doesn't want that," Dave chimed in. Karkat wanted to bite him, which in this instance, was maybe almost acceptable.

"Okay, okay." Karkat dragged a hand down his face, trying to focus. "So- great. You guys are all in love and you're willing to bring me into the relationship. That's all good and peachy. Why didn't any of you think to tell me that we were getting married before we walked down the aisle?"

There was a moment of silence and casting looks at each other.

"Honestly, I just assumed they had already told you going in to our first meeting," Jade admitted after a moment. "And when it was obvious you didn't know..."

John sat up and leaned forward, settling his chin on Karkat's shoulder. "It just felt like more fun not to tell you," he said with a little grin.

Karkat rolled his eyes and flipped John the chirpbeast, which had John snorting back laughter.

"Anyways," Karkat said. "Where do we go from here? You're all humans married to a troll. I'm guessing this is pretty uncharted fucking territory here. Is there anything you wanna like, work out? Schedules? Sleeping arrangements? It's important in troll culture to keep shit organized between your quadrants, so I feel like-"

"Yeah, actually. I've got a question," Dave interjected, leaning in a little. Karkat raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

"What does troll junk look like?"