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What do you do?
When you're sitting all day wallowed by emotions? So lifeless yet full of thoughts. Unable to move an inch.
The light flickers at Freen's nightstand. It's a chilly friday evening. Free of work, free of responsibilities left for the week
Yet she feels empty.
It's like every day just passes by her, with her heart her only company. She can move through it— well– she has to. The bills arent gonna pay themselves and her father wouldnt appreciate a bum in the house. They already do too much for her. She can't just lay.
But now she does. It's a Friday evening anyway.
Everything feels liminal in this moment– like she does not exist, yet does. Like gaslighting herself to avoid reality.
26 years of her life and yet she feels this way. Carrying her heart as it gushes. Always at the back of her head. She never really knew how to cope with it.
Freen's lamp flickers, as it shed it's last beam of light– then stop
'Tsk, well I gotta fix that' she thought to herself. She forgot that lamp needed new batteries.
Is this really how it's gonna be? Forever?
She's aware of how badly attached she is. It's like an ill curse. Does she have things to do? Yes. Is she doing fairly average in fields she's in? Yes also. And yet there's an inkling in her mind that bugs her, a smile turned to a frown and starry eyes turned to blank ones.
Rebecca.
What happened to the two of them?
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Rebecca smiles at the crew and bows. It was the last scene for the day. Thank God.
She leaves the bright room with a relieved sigh, ready to just go home and rest.
'I did it, oh my God. 'She just shot her first ever project, a pure shock for her own self. The amount of anxiety that she felt up to this moment. The sleepless nights reviewing the script.
The lights, the cameras, the set..it was all real.
These are things she just see in films and videos; now she's living in it!
But she felt such a rush– the chest tightening type of rush, the raging thoughts type. She was anxious. It was a new environment to be in, in a new city, a new life to live.
But she did it, successfully at that.
Her phone buzzes and a text pops up. Oh right. She has a girlfriend..
She turns her phone off and hurries changing from her outfit from the set.
Rebecca rides a cab home, her phone in one hand
'Im sorry I couldnt update you. I'm on the way home now.'
'I thought you were coming over?'
'I'm needed very early in the morning tomorrow. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you okay?'
'It's alright. Text me when you get home'
'Sure baby'
She gulps, she hates lying. It's not that she thinks Freen is clueless– nor that she doesn't love Freen. Bless that woman's soul.
But there's just so much going on in her life.
So so much.
And she tries not to let them cloud her own head but she struggles. She's just one person and there's a limit to all she can do and take. She'll sit it out for now.
She arrives home and brings her bags to her own apartment. Head filled with thoughts.
'Fuck— i'll deal with it later'
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"Do you remember when I first told you I loved you?" Freen asked the girl beside her.
It was a hot afternoon in summer, Her and Rebecca were exhausted from all their physical play-fighting and decided to lie down to rest.
Rebecca giggles at her "You were sooo romantic, you had a playlist all ready for meee. I didn't know the girl that teased me a lot had a side like that"
"You'd do the same for a girl like you" Freen said with a cheeky grin.
Rebecca suddenly sits up straight with a warm smile on her red face, "You know though, I already liked you back then. From the moment I met you the admiration was already kind of there. " Freen feels her face flare up, and as if on cue, Rebecca says:
"Don't flatter yourself too much though, jerk"
It was times like those that Freen wished she could pause. Perhaps she shouldn't have played their favorite song tonight. Because now she's shedding tears in her pillow, and all she could think about is how Rebecca's smile used to look like. She didn't know why this was all happening to them. Was becca just kind to not dismiss her? Did she love her but didn't like her? What did she lack?
Did she really want her all this time?
Or was the other girl just lonely?
She will never truly know. She doubts those are answers Becca couldn't directly give a response too anyway. What does one do in this situation?
When things have changed and you can't.. really.. blame her.., when the smile faded from her face, when you don't know how to help her.. when the fire in your hearts are gone.
'No more', Freen thinks, and with a heavy heart, she reaches for her phone beside her and types.
"Can you meet me in the park tomorrow, becca?"
then lets the exhaustion consume her body.
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Rebecca lies awake.
Freen waves at the camera like a kid, "Hi everyone, Today, I'm teaching Ms. Rebecca Armstrong right here how to write"
Rebecca raises a brow at her "You phrase that like i'm 4"
"Whatever you sayy you big baby" The older girl says teasingly, pinching her cheeks, "There are different types of poem sequences, it could be up to you but we could follow a standards for beginners-"
Rebecca lies awake, looking back at a video her and Freen is in.
She knew what the message meant. She knew what was about to come.
Yet how does she prepare for something like it? How does she even sleep like this?
She became flooded with thoughts and emotions. She didnt mean to...but she did what she did. Doing the minimum- doing nothing it's...also a choice.
But can you blame her? Can anybody fucking blame her– And hear her out?!
Her life was hectic, every inch moved was done passively. Like it's only her head working, there was no room for her heart to intervene.
She tries not to let it consume her so much but it's uncontrollable at this state.
What does she do? How many chances does she have to correct her wrongs?
Does she still have any?
She had other stuff to deal with. Why can't Freen understand that.
She slept that night with exasperation.
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The younger girl walks outside in her sweater. It was 9 in the morning, too early for all this, something she'll have to ask Freen of later but,
For now she'll face what's in front of her.
One turn to the left and there she is, the woman of her dreams, staring in the distance with her back in front of her.
"Freen" she calls out, the older girl turns at the call of her name, looking like some movie star, Rebecca saw her the same way from the very start. It has never changed.
"Yes, uhm, hi" There was a bit of awkwardness in her tone, like searching for words.
'Odd' Rebecca thought, she never could really pinpoint Freen, when she's unsure she's very unsure. But when she has conviction over something, you can't take it away from her.
But right now Freen is just staring at her, unsure of what to really do next when she was the one that called Rebecca here.
They sit down in one bench, "Well" Freen starts
"Well?" Rebecca answers back
"To be honest with you..." Freen says, "There's just so so much going on in your life lately but you know me, i'm..proud of you, okay?" Rebecca nods along her words, "It's just.. you know? I don' know what's going on lately but..Rebecca I.." she trails off. Rebecca gulps at the mentioning of her name. Freen never calls her that.
"I don't think we're inlove anymore"
Rebecca stares at her for a while.
What does she mean, theyre not inlove anymore?
Maybe she isnt, but why is she involved?
"Hey, I do love you!" Rebecca rebutts, her tone heightened a little involuntarily; tears welling up in her eyes
It was almost like she's being defensive but she isn't! She does like her but—
"Stop lying to me, Rebecca" Freen says with her head down
"I'm not..!"
Freen looks up at her, "Love doesn't look like lonely nights and questioning my own self worth!" The redness in her face is so, suddenly imminent.
It's like things flew by so fast, like a switch was turned— like she stirred something boiling inside Freen for a while, it was jarring to witness, but Rebecca had to defend herself.
"You told me you'd be there for me always.." Freen started, her voice shaking
"But nowadays, do you even know who I am anymore?"
Rebecca has to look away, she can't bare seeing Freen's face like this, a true moment of weakness
"What even, is your definition of love, Freen?" She starts, "I'm struggling too! I moved to a new city, I'm starting a new career, why can' you understand?-"
"I'm not saying you're not, Rebecca!" Freen interrupts her words, "But I've got things going on for me too, but I stayed, and I always attempted to be there for you cause I..." She trails off, Rebecca has never seen her locer like this, with so much distraught in her voice. She doesn't even have to look at her to notice the grief she's feeling. "I loved you, Rebecca..! I loved you too much.." Rebecca doesnt fail to notice her voice softening.
"...loved..?"
Freen wipes her tears. "Right. Because i've vowed to stop from now on."
"No, Freen, let me explain please"
"What is there to explain? Are you gonna come up with more excuses?"
"Stay, please?"
"I'm leaving, Rebecca."
Rebecca remembers how the lamp lit up that night. The night she last spent with freen.
The lamp was broken, flickering every now and then. Like their love, faltering and changing as the cold air passed. But still, fighting for its life to create a warm and bright room.
Sometimes you just want different things– and that turns to hatred and unacceptance– and that overturns everything you've went through together.
The tide changes. And just like the broken lamp, they couldnt withstand it together.