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If there's one thing Zeal Ginjoka hated the most in this cold world; it was the preps, the nerds and the teacher pets. They were all nothing but a bunch of boring, pretentious, soul-sucking assholes who were good for nothing but seeking academic validation while making the lives of those around them a living hell. Moreover, they were first to snitch to the teachers whenever someone got into any sort of altercation, didn’t do their assignments, cheated on a test or anything they deemed to be a misbehavior from the top of their high towers— and Zeal was first on their list.
His resentment is intensified each time his violet-amber eyes fall on a certain school president— Kaelix Debonair. He was the personification of everything Zeal hated about school, if not life in general. He was loud, very social, loved by the teachers and his classmates alike. He was academically accomplished, only ever getting straight A+ and perfect scores on each subject. He dressed neatly, in his boring polo shirts and dull-colored blazers, round glass frames nestling perfectly at the top of his nose bridge— unmoving. Moreover, he was strict and extremely rigid when it came to following and enforcing school rules Zeal deemed to be unreasonable. And worst of all? He was a devout church boy. Not to mention his horrendous taste in music.
Only looking at him, no, the mere thought of him made Zeal sick to his stomach. He despised the school president with burning passion. And to think he managed to get such a position during his freshman year made absolutely no sense to Zeal.
Zeal would’ve tolerated the president’s life-draining existence had the lowerclassman not made it his entire life’s mission to make Zeal’s life a miserable living-hell.
“Did you get into a fight again ?”
Zeal was sitting soaking wet on the hard ground, leaning against a brick wall of a nameless building, hidden in the shadows of a dark alleyway he didn’t bother to know in which street when he heard the familiar voice calling to him. He grumbled, clicked his tongue in annoyance almost instinctively. That stupidly high-pitched voice was like a trigger, a fuel to Zeal’s fire. He knew what would come next and he wasn’t thrilled about it in the slightest.
The clanking sound of the heels of dress shoes tapping against the concrete surface approaching closer and closer by the minute echoed like alarm sirens in Zeal’s ears, ringing even louder than the sound of moving cars and the rain pouring heavily against asphalt streets.
The unwanted presence crouched besides Zeal, extending him a shelter beneath his monkey-printed umbrella from the cold rain.
Zeal wanted to tell him off, to tell him to fuck off and stop meddling in his buisness more than he’d done until now, to tell him to go and find someone else to bother with his holier than thou act. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to mutter a single word at all let alone move a muscle. Every bone in his body was paralyzed from the agonizing ache, dark crimson seeping from his open flesh, freshly inflicted wounds burning him like a lit cigarette. His face and knuckles were all black and blue, bruised in grotesque fashion.
He didn’t mind the pain as his body grew accustomed to it— it was those ocean-blue eyes gazing at his damaged form from behind round glasses that had Zeal feeling rather humiliated. Far more humiliating than when he got outed as gay by a bunch of wannabe bullies during his freshman year, hurled homophobic slurs at him and even attempted to physically assault him. At least back then he was able to fight back, to cuss them out and throw punches painful enough to let it be known he wasn’t the kind they could victimize without facing the consequences. But now? All he could do was stay still as Kaelix perceived his sickeningly broken body, praying to a deity he didn’t even believe in for the younger boy to just leave him alone.
“Good lord, you look more awful than usual!” Kaelix exclaimed in utter horror.
No shit, Sherlock . Zeal wished he could say it out loud but his voice had long been lost.
“Who did this to you?” The white-haired boy asked in genuine concern for the older boy. He couldn’t fathom how someone could be this violent, this mercilessly brutal, nor could he comprehend the extent of agony Zeal must be feeling.
Kaelix extended his free hand, shaky and uncertain of its purpose— did he want to touch Zeal’s face? Perhaps to trace the wounds with the soft pads of his long fingers? He knew Zeal was far from fond of him but he couldn’t resist it. His hand felt warm against Zeal’s drenched cold face. He caressed the skin beneath his thumb, wounds causing disturbance to the soft exterior like some sort of turbidity in supposedly clear water.
Yet, Zeal still looked beautiful even while burning beneath wounds and ugly bruises.
Zeal’s breath hitched at the sudden intimate contact, his heart beating like a hammer inside his chest, threatening to break free from his ribcage. He didn’t understand why his body was reacting this violently to Kaelix’s touch, he didn’t understand how or why he leaned into it either.
So many conflicting emotions hurled at him at once like a divine storm at a timing he was most vulnerable. He hated Kaelix, he despised his very essence yet his touch was gentle and comforting like a warm blanket wrapped around him. He never wanted anything from the school president but to be left alone, yet he couldn’t help but lean into the affection, craving even more than he deserved.
Kaelix was everything Zeal wasn’t, everything Zeal hated in this fragile humanity, the one Zeal vowed to hate for as long as he lived. Yet he was the first to make Zeal yearn for the warmth Zeal had never once tasted, the first to show Zeal acts of kindness no matter how harshly Zeal responded, the first to make his heart beat in ways he didn’t think were humanly possible.
“You poor thing, you must’ve been in the cold for a while now.” Kaelix remarked. “I hope you don’t mind if I lend a hand,” He wasn’t asking, and it wasn’t an offer he wished to be debated either. “If you stay here God knows what more danger might come your way.”
The younger boy tucked his umbrella inside his school bag before he grabbed Zeal by his limp arm to place it around his shoulders while his other arm wrapped around Zeal’s waist to fully support his weight. Then slowly but surely, Kaelix guided them out of the dark alley back to the dimly lit street, walking towards the nearest bus stop he could find. They hopped on the first bus, sloppily dragging their weights -mostly Kaelix doing all the lifting-, gaining strange looks from the other passengers while they made their way through the aisle to the empty seats at the far back. Kaelix placed Zeal as gently as he could on the blue cushion before he took the seat next to him.
The ride to the stop near Zeal’s home was long since there were too many stops prior, far too many than usual. Zeal couldn’t help but feel self-conscious the entire time— he looked awfully rough, the storms raging within him could be noticed from miles away and worst of all, the abnormal rhythm of his own heart was too loud in his ears, had Kaelix heard he didn’t make fuss over it and Zeal was thankful for that at least.
The coldness of his drenched hair, body and clothes seemed to finally catch up to him as he began to tremble in his seat. To his dismay, Kaelix seemed to notice so he placed his hand on Zeal’s own, perhaps for comfort or to share some of his body warmth, either way it was a gesture Zeal found himself welcoming.
“It’s still a while until we reach your stop. Would you like to listen to some music in the meantime?” Kaelix offered his left earphone to Zeal while the other nestled in his right ear. Zeal hummed in response, accepting the offer so Kaelix helped him plug the earphone in his ear, making sure it was secure.
Zeal didn’t know what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t Kaelix playing a jazz song while softly humming. with the tune. It was oddly.. serendating. The emptier the bus got, the bolder Kaelix got at singing, and Zeal found his voice.. enchanting to say the least. Zeal knew Kaelix was in the music club, oftentimes taking on the role of the main vocalist at the school’s music events, he also participated in the musicals produced by the theater club, however, Zeal never once heard his singing since he normally skipped those events as he found them far from interesting.
Zeal hated jazz music to be quite honest, but something about this impromptu jazz jam session on a bus ride was soothing him like a lullaby. No, it wasn’t because Kaelix was singing along that Zeal was no longer listening to the original songs anymore but to Kaelix instead. Absolutely not.
At last, the bus stopped at their desired station. Kaelix nudged Zeal awake who, at some point during the trip, leaned towards Kaelix to rest his head on the younger’s shoulders.
“We’re here.” Kaelix announced in a hushed voice, too quiet, too soft, as though he’d scare Zeal off if he raised his voice a tad bit louder.
Zeal hummed in acknowledgment, allowing Kaelix to carry him back to his one-bedroom apartment. His dark, cold, suffocating apartment. The apartment consisted of a queen-sized bed, a small open island kitchen, a couch and a small bathroom. It was small, just enough for one lonely man such as Zeal.
Kaelix could barely say anything, the lights were switched off and the curtains closed shut. He tried to look for the light switch near the door, his free hand navigating blindly on the wall while he struggled to keep both their bodies standing but to no avail.
“You won’t find it here.” Zeal finally found his voice, albeit weak and hoarse. “It’s further inside.”
Kaelix carried Zeal to his bed, almost tripping on his own foot in the dark, only a little bit of light from the outside as his guide. He sat him down on the bed before he turned around to look for the light switch while Zeal verbally pointed him towards the right direction. He eventually found it— making Zeal hiss as soon as he turned the lights on, squinting his eyes as an attempt to block out the source of their disturbance but to no avail.
Once the lights were on, Kaelix began to look for a first-aid kit in the kitchenette cabinets, but nothing, hell not even food in these empty cupboards, which concerned Kaelix.
“In the bathroom.” Was all Zeal said.
Kaelix understood so he wasted no time and immediately made his way to the small bathroom on the other side of the room. The small space was occupied by a laundry basket filled messily with dirty clothes, a seemingly well-used towel hung somewhere near the shower, an unhealthy amount of hair dye on the discolored marble sink next to the scissors and scattered medications which Kaelix hated the fact he recognized— antidepressants and anxiety meds and the realization felt like a stab to his chest, a twist of a knife deep in his guts.
He didn’t wish to linger on it any longer so he went back to looking for what he originally came here for. Lucky for him, his search quickly ended as quickly as it resumed as he found the white box in the cupboard above the sink. Once he grabbed it, he went back to Zeal.
Kaelix leaned down to help Zeal strip from his -now ruined- school dress shirt, carefully undoing the buttons to not apply any pressure on the wounds lying beneath the blood-stained -supposedly- white cloth. Even though he already expected it, his eyes still widened at the sight of how nauseating his wounds looked, they looked far worse than he expected.
“Goodness Zeal! What happened?” He asked, not in a condemning tone, but a concerned one, worried for the older boy. Zeal only sighed in return, lacking the energy to explain or justify himself for the boy before him. “We should take you to the hospital.”
“Don’t you even dare.” A hospital was definitely the last thing Zeal wanted at the moment.
“But a first aid kit isn’t enough to treat all of this!” Kaelix tried to argue but Zeal was quick to shut him down.
“Then don’t even bother.” He sounded colder than normal declaring his absolute refusal despite the evident weakness in his speech.
It stung more than Kaelix would want to admit, it felt like a harsh rejection. However, he was never the type to back down no matter what. “Fine.” He finally dropped it, “But let me do it for you.”
It wasn’t like Zeal had any other choice in the matter, he couldn’t move a muscle let alone treat that many wounds and injuries on his own.
“Hurry up then.”
Kaelix didn’t need to be told twice to begin dressing the wounds on Zeal’s torso, trying to be as gentle as possible but he couldn’t help but hesitate each time Zeal winced or flinched whenever the alcohol swab came in contact with the still fresh injuries, apologizing profusely for adding to his pain.
“Stop apologizing, it's annoying.” Zeal grumbled. Which seemed to shut Kaelix up for the moment.
Kaelix continued tending to the wounds in silence, applying ointment after he cleaned them to the best of his abilities. Zeal appreciated that silence as he didn't feel like talking either, but he couldn't deny how unsettling it was, how it made the air around them heavy and charged with unspoken tension, strange feelings neither of them should be having and so many questions no one could answer.
Kaelix's eyes lingered on the bare body before him for far longer than they should've. And perhaps his mind began to stray to dangerous territories he never once wished to cross.
“You're staring, president.” Zeal called out, snapping the younger out of his trance.
The boy in question cleared his throat while he attempted to distract himself by rummaging through the first aid kit, pretending to look for something just so he could avoid Zeal's heavy gaze. He eventually pulled a bandage roll and as many hydrocolloid plasters as he could find out of the white box. Then as carefully as he could manage, he wrapped the white cloth around Zeal's chest, shoulder, biceps and wrists, covering as many injuries as he could as there were far too many than what he had in hand.
When he finished he placed the leftover items back into the box in haste before he put them back in their original place. Then he hurriedly helped Zeal change into dry clothes, praying to God above he wouldn't get sick as he couldn't even get a warm bath. He dressed him in a plain black shirt and sweatpants of the same color. He also grabbed a towel on his way for Zeal to dry his hair as much as possible.
Now come to think of it, every piece of clothing Zeal owned was black, either with questionable prints his parents would call ‘satanic’, metal bands logos or some random text, ripped jeans and leathers. Metal chains, chokers, bracelets and spike-adorned belts occupied his drawers. Black denim and leather jackets hung on the clothing rack by the window, black platform boots and chunky sole loafers arranged below the metal rack.
Kaelix looked at his wrist watch to find it's almost 11 o'clock which means he was way past his curfew time which caused him to gather his things in panic, preparing to leave.
“There's no buses at this late hour.” Zeal pointed out, prompting Kaelix to freeze in his tracks. “Besides, it's still raining heavily outside, so I don't think it's a good idea to go either way. Although, do whatever you want, I don't really care.” Zeal tried to act nonchalant about it, he didn't want to sound concerned for the younger; ‘cause he wasn't. He didn't want to seem like he was inviting the younger to stay either— if anything, he preferred their time together would be cut as soon as possible.
“Oh no, no, no, no. What do I do now?” There was genuine fear in his eyes and his panic grew more intense. “This is not good. Not good at all.” He began pacing back and forth near the bedfoot, as if that would make his panic subside or help him figure out a solution to his dilemma faster.
Zeal clicked his tongue in annoyance. “You're giving me a headache. Sit the fuck down, will you?” Though, it didn't seem like his words were getting through to the younger boy. He let out a heavy sigh. “ Kaelix ,” He called the boy's name for the first time throughout the night, calm and gentle. Which strangely enough was enough to get the attention of the boy in question. “Calm down, please .” He said softly once the other turned his way with a puzzled look on his face amidst the panic.
Kaelix sat beside Zeal, still fidgety and restless so Zeal placed a hand on the younger’s own, grounding him in place. He didn't understand what compelled him to do that to be quite honest, it just felt right. “Why don't you rest here for the night and confront whatever problem you have tomorrow, hmm?” He suggested, while he stroked the back of Kaelix's hand with his thumb in a circular motion to help ease his nerves.
He could feel the tension seep out of Kaelix's body gradually, the trembling of the hand beneath his own settling down as he released a deep sigh. “You're right. There's nothing I can do anyway.” Perhaps acceptance was his best course of action at the moment, what he needed; because there was nothing he could do to change his situation nor to prevent the consequences from taking place when the time comes.
Zeal didn’t understand why but he felt relief wash over him upon seeing Kaelix had calmed down entirely. He didn't know why he cared either. “Feel free to borrow the bed, I'll take the couch.” He gestured his head towards the worn-out couch by the window.
“No!!” Kaelix was quick to reject his suggestion. “I'll take the couch, you take the bed. It's your home after all.”
Zeal could tell from the expression on Kaelix's face that he was already feeling guilty for having to stay in the first place. Yet, something deep within him yearned, no, screamed at him to keep the younger boy as close as possible once he saw the boy shifting, preparing to stand up.“Forget the couch, it's not comfortable.” He grabbed Kaelix’s wrist to stop him from leaving his side. “It’s big enough for the both of us.” He motioned his head towards the bed. “I insist, Kaelix. ” His voice dropped to a softer tone upon calling the boy's name.
Kaelix's eyes shifted around frantically as if trying to avoid Zeal's gaze like the plague. He stammered in his speech, unable to form a coherent sentence. “H‐ H- How co- could you even s- s- suggest a thing?”
The idea of him, a boy, laying beside another boy sounded preposterous to him, disgusting even. It goes against everything he was ever taught at church so how could he even think to agree to participate in such a revolting act? How dare Zeal make such an abhorrent request?
Not to mention the fact that Zeal's openly gay; so how could Kaelix accept this ? What will his parents think of him? What will they do if they find out he laid with another boy? A gay one nonetheless? Unacceptable.
Zeal clicked his tongue upon seeing Kaelix’s reaction. “Stop overthinking it.” He said in a mild irritation. “You won’t die if we share a bed.” He reasoned, hoping he could knock some sense into the religious boy's head.
However, it didn't seem like anything he said had managed to get through to Kaelix. So he pulled the boy towards himself, causing him to plop back down on the bed next to the older boy.
Kaelix stared back at Zeal with dilated pupils. Ocean-blue gazing deep into violet-ambers, looking for even a hint of humor, perhaps irony or satire but what he found shook him to his very core— genuine honesty unlike the Zeal he always knew. “But I can't. It's forbidden . Unnatural and quite frankly disgusting.”
“Is that so?” Zeal searched the other’s face for a certain something, but all he could find in those ocean-blue eyes was hesitation and uncertainty of a boy who was taught to hate, to fear what he didn't know. “Fine. Do whatever you want.” He let go of the other one's wrist.
The upperclassman shifted his entire body, crawling under the heavy blanket with struggle due to the staggering pain plaguing his body. He laid on his side with his back facing Kaelix while the latter kept staring, still confused by what just happened.
It all felt wrong. Why did he feel heartbroken? Why did he feel unexplainable sorrow ? Like he did something wrong? He didn't understand why he was like that. He was never like that; never once he doubted himself or what he believed in. But why everytime he lies eyes on Zeal he doesn't feel like himself at all?
“Good night, Zeal.” He forced the words out, yet they sounded weak, small, distant. The older boy only replied in deafening silence.
Zeal felt the weight at the edge of the bed near his feet lifting, which meant Kaelix rising to retire to the couch.
Kaelix laid down on the couch, laying face to face with Zeal, save for the gaping distance between them— physically and spiritually. Whether or not Zeal had fallen asleep already was unbeknownst to Kaelix since the older boy had his eyes closed and he didn't seem like he wanted to be engaging with Kaelix any longer before he retired to bed. So truly, regardless if he was awake or not he wasn't going to speak with Kaelix.
He shifted in his position restlessly, tossing and turning left, upside, right, then downside then right again. He couldn't bring himself to fall asleep as the last conversation between him and Zeal remained haunting him like a ghost. The look of hurt on the older boy's face stung terribly, it really did, far more than Kaelix would want to admit. The guilt creeped under his skin, warping his perception of his own actions, his feelings, and everything he believed to be true.
He moved as if his body had gotten possessed by a being other than his own, a being he was taught not to believe in, but maybe this was the only instance he'd go against the teachings. He crawled in bed next to Zeal, nuzzling in the warmth underneath the blanket, and perhaps the warmth of the body next to him as well. He laid next to the older boy, taking in the peaceful expression on his face, the lightning outside the closed glass windows casting a blue light, illuminating the pretty bruised face beside him.
Zeal was undeniably beautiful, Kaelix knew. Aside from having a reputation of being the troublesome delinquent from the 3rd year, he was also known for his, to say the least, striking beauty. He had as many admirers as he had enemies from both inside and outside the school. However, seeing his face up close and personal was an entirely different experience; surreal was the best word he could use to describe it.
“You're staring again, president. ” Zeal called out while his eyes remained closed. “If you have something to say just spit it out already.”
Kaelix felt embarrassed, he felt exposed like he got caught red-handed doing something he shouldn't have despite the other actively choosing not to open his eyelids. “I couldn't sleep.” He said briefly, saving Zeal the storms raging inside him far more violent than the rainstorm outside.
Zeal slowly opened his eyes, violet-amber locking eyes with ocean-blues yet again. But it was different this time; it was calmer, far more tranquil than they were a couple of hours ago, somewhat serene. The loud noise of the thunder and rain pouring against the windows slowly faded into the background as they gazed into one another in peaceful silence.
“So how is staring at my face while I sleep helping exactly?”
“It doesn't. You're just beautiful, I can't help it.” He instinctively said without a single thought.
Kaelix's bold answer took Zeal by surprise, it was unlike him to say such reckless things with no regard for himself or others.
It was at that moment; the moment they looked deep into each other's eyes, the moment Kaelix cupped Zeal's face with both his hands as if he was some fragile piece of glass that he couldn’t risk allowing to slip from his hands, yes that intimate moment when it finally dawned on Zeal why he kept feeling the way he did since he met Kaelix that night.
Oh.
OH.
“If you keep acting like this, I'll end up having the wrong idea.” Zeal murmured.
It didn't matter what Kaelix did from here onwards as he already made the foolish mistake to allow himself to fall for a boy who saw him as an unforgiven sinner, an abomination to humanity that was bound to the burning flames of hell.
Zeal was far beyond salvation at this point.
“But you are.” Kaelix didn't seem to understand the second part of Zeal's sentence. Or perhaps he did, and he was intentionally making it worse for the older boy. “It’s hard to take my eyes off you sometimes.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
“I don't think you understand, Debonair. ” Kaelix neither confirmed nor denied the accusation.
Kaelix seemed to have thrown every ounce of sensibility and self-preservation out of the window from the minute he laid beside Zeal. He inched closer to the delinquent boy, feeling the heat of his breath morphing into his own. His hands caressing the pretty face between them as he locked their lips in a soft, heartfelt kiss. One that poked at the nest brimming with the emotions neither of them was prepared to confront.
Their lips fit together like a perfect puzzle. Like nourishment in the midst of stabbing hunger.
For Zeal, it felt warm, it felt right. He could finally taste the boy who haunted his every waking moment, feel his warm touch, to experience an intimacy with him he didn't realize he yearned for before— he longed for Kaelix in every possible sense and he didn't even know it until now.
But Kaelix? He was internally screaming at himself to stop, to cease this shameful act once and for all. He cried from the inside to not do this but his body had a mind of its own and it had no reason to listen to him. It felt wrong, so wrong, so disgusting, so not him. How could he even do this? How could he kiss a boy? A BOY?
Kaelix was the first to break the kiss, ashamed and embarrassed of what he had done. Zeal wanted to chase after his lips, whiny and needy over the lost contact however Kaelix denied him. The younger boy turned his entire body towards the opposite said without uttering a single word.
This was way too much for him to confront so he did what he does best; run away and avoid problems.
“You're mean, did you know that?” Zeal murmured, but his words were met with silence.
Days, weeks, even months had passed since that night. The heavy shift in their relationship, or lack thereof, was obvious to anyone and everyone— especially themselves. Kaelix no longer approached Zeal, he no longer tried to stop him from fighting nor intervene in his life neither inside nor outside the school. It was as clear as day he was actively avoiding Zeal like the plague. And Zeal? He was seen less and less, and when he actually showed up to school; his injuries looked bad. Nothing worse than that night but they were bad nonetheless.
As much as Kaelix wanted to scold him while he patched him up like he did before, he couldn't. Zeal was dangerous to Kaelix, he was a constant reminder of what he had done, of how he easily gave in to temptation. He prayed every single day and night for the Lord's forgiveness, on his knees crying and begging. He visited a confessional to confess his disgraceful act as well, he even begged for his church's pastor to cleanse him of his sins. Heavens above know he tried. Unfortunately for him, no matter how hard he tried to repent, nothing seemed to ease his guilt.
“Kaelix?” A familiar soft voice called out for him; pulling him out of his trance. “Are you okay?”
When Kaelix looked up, he saw Freodore, a 3rd year student and the second in command of the student council. He nodded while wearing a forced smile on his face.
“You don't look like it. Go home if you're not feeling well.”
One thing about Freodore; you couldn't lie to him— and Kaelix was a bad liar as he was.
“It’s fine, Freo. I'm just distracted.” He tried to convince his friend. “I'll be fine.”
“Does it have to do with a certain Zeal Ginjoka?”
Kaelix's eyes widened. He was certain he never told Freodore a single thing about what transpired between him and Zeal; only himself, God and his priest know.
“You think it's not obvious?” Freodore raised an eyebrow upon seeing Kaelix’s reaction to his -rhetorical in a sense- question. “You constantly avoid him to the point of neglecting your disciplinary duties when it's about him, yet you stare at him from afar for far too long then pretend like you weren't the moment he turns your way.”
“I don't know what you're talking about.” Kaelix feigned ignorance despite the truth both him and Freodore knew.
“ “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” Yet you're constantly lying to yourself, running away from the truth and consistently contradicting yourself.” If there was anyone who could read him to abslute filth like an open book; it was Freodore.
He knew his best friend was right. He knew he was running from things beyond what he was letting on, feelings that made him extremely uncomfortable— maybe uncomfortable wasn't the word but he couldn't put it into the right words no matter how hard he tried.
“Some truths are hard to confront, I know. But for how long do you plan on running? For how long will you pretend to be someone you're not?”
Freodore knew the exact words to say and the right questions to ask no matter how uncomfortable they made Kaelix feel. Someday Kaelix will come to appreciate that in the older boy, maybe not today, but one day he will.
“I.. I don't know, Freo.” Kaelix finally dropped his facade. “If I confront my true feelings, if I look into the root of the problem; I know I will discover unpleasant things about myself and I don't want that.” He lowered his head, already burdened by shame.
“Kaelix, look at me.” Freodore called, softly smiling when the younger boy looked up at him from where he was seated. “It’s okay to be you. Even if the real you doesn't align with what you've been taught all along.”
The words spoken to him felt like a slap to the face to Kaelix, like a bucket of icy water poured on him all at once in a moment of obliviousness.
“I- I have to go.” The counsil president excused himself, leaving the room in a hurry with far more questions than he initially had.
He walked his way towards the old campus building at the back once he made it out of the current main building. He headed towards the one room he can find peace and solace in, where he gets to sit by himself to think things through and reflect deeply on himself. He opened the door to the abandoned music room, golden rays of sunshine piercing through cracked glass windows to illuminate a room so quiet, so hollow in all senses but literal. Forgotten instruments, wooden chairs covered in layers of dust accumulated over the years, white curtains had long been discolored, torn apart and burned away.
Aside from Zeal, this was the only disorganized chaos Kaelix allowed himself to be around, to find comfort within it.
He sat down at the wooden chair eaten away by carpenter moth, but he did mind the damage as long as he got to play on the dusty piano before him.
He pressed down one key then the next then a couple more keys until he produced a familiar melody, one that he knew by heart so he get to play it mindlessly without thinking too much about whether or not he missed a note or got another wrong. His fingers operated on autopilot to play a beautiful melody while his brain was in a state on pensiveness, thinking, reflecting.
He thought back to when he first met Zeal; he was newly appointed as school council president in his freshman year of high school -which had never happened before-, he made friends with his council members real fast, quickly became adored by his teachers and peers alike. Of course, there were those delinquents who weren't fond of the new boy who was enforcing school rules they didn't like in his first year— and Zeal Ginjoka was on top of that list.
Kaelix was warned by several teachers and even older council members about Zeal; he wasn't the kind to play nice and he constantly get himself into trouble, always wrapped in bandages and patches. It didn’t take that long for Kaelix to witness their words to be true himself since Zeal was notorious for fighting both inside and outside school grounds.
It was strictly against the law to expel students so all the disciplinary council (mainly Kaelix) could do was just deal with Zeal and every fiasco he gets involved with.
Zeal didn’t like the fact that Kaelix was constantly up his ass, watching his every move like a hawk and policing him on what to do every so often.
Eventually Kaelix came to realize Zeal wasn’t the kind to start anything unprovoked; every time he got into a physical altercation was in self defense. From the outside, Zeal seemed like the perfect target to get picked on by bullies; he was a loner who didn't get along with anyone, dressed in alternative fashion, used heavy makeup as a boy, and his music taste was far from conventional. Most importantly, he was a homosexual in a school predominantly religious. The one thing the bullies got wrong about was how much they underestimated his strength and ability to fight.
Kaelix stopped reporting Zeal to the teachers at some point, wrong of him as the council president he knows, but he couldn't let Zeal get punished again and again for just defending himself. He only resorted to only scolding Zeal, pretending he'd report him or write it down in his file when in reality he did neither of those things.
Maybe it was an abuse of power on his behalf, however it just felt right within his conscience.
By his second year, Kaelix found himself growing fonder of Zeal. It felt nice looking out for him, his presence became an inseparable part of the president’s routine, the only chaos Kaelix willingly engaged with. And although Zeal didn’t seem very fond of the younger boy, deep within his heart he wished the upperclassman would soften up for him.
Despite being taught that homosexuality is a sin and all sinners go to hell all his life; he never truly once hated Zeal. He never once wished Zeal would change any aspect of himself for anyone's satisfaction either, especially not who he chooses to love.
But why was he avoiding him now after they shared a kiss? Was it really homosexuality as a whole that he couldn’t accept? Or was it having to come to terms with his attraction to men? His attraction to Zeal?
He'd been in denial this entire time while the answers he was seeking stared him deep in the eyes. And it finally clicked. All the puzzle pieces finally falling in place.
Tears began streaming down his face before he even realized it. Relieved and frightened simultaneously at the unraveling discovery. Not it wasn’t a discovery— more like an overdue admission to himself of what had always been haunting his conscience.
Despite his admission; he was far from reaching acceptance. Quite frankly, he didn't know how he was supposed to get there.
This entire time he hadn't realized there was another presence in the room with him, observing him from a distance, listening in to his melody and his, unconsciously on Kaelix's part, thoughts. Not until said presence made itself known.
“You're so dramatic.”
Kaelix whipped his head around towards the direction of the familiar voice. He saw a very tall and brooding figure he knew too well leaning against the doorframe, looking at Kaelix with that same cool expression.
Truth be told, he never thought Zeal would want to speak to him again. Not after Kaelix kissed him that night then proceeded to ghost him for months.
Kaelix knew that was an asshole move— he had plenty of time to reflect on that part of the dilemma.
“Zeal!” He called his name for the first time in a while. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
“Well, there aren't many places at school the council president frequents.” Zeal shrugged.
The raven-haired boy stepped towards Kaelix while wearing an unreadable expression on his face. On the other hand, Kaelix remained pinned down on his seat as his eyes remained fixed on Zeal, watching his movements very earnestly.
“You're yet to answer me. What are you doing here?”
“You don't get it, do you?” Zeal said as soon as he stopped in front of Kaelix, compelling the younger boy to bend his neck just to look up at him. He grasped the pretty face in his hand, holding him by his chin. “You're too close, yet too far.”
Kaelix could practically hear his heart palpitations in his ears. He now knows why his body is reacting this way towards Zeal's touch, he knew but he didn't know what he was supposed to do with that information or how to handle anything beyond that knowledge.
Zeal decided to take matters into his own hands upon seeing the lack of action on Kaelix's part so he leaned down while manhandling the younger boy into raising himself a bit so they could meet in the middle.
They locked lips and God above did it feel heavenly. The kiss started off shy and reserved, very self-conscious, however it slowly evolved into something far more passionate and feverish as they gradually abandoned any sense of self-preservation they previously might have had.
Not that Zeal had any to begin with, it was just Kaelix.
Kaelix broke the kiss abruptly, trying to catch his breath in the midst of his speech. “Someone will catch us.”
“Do I look like I give a fuck?” He raised an eyebrow, clearly irritated with the sudden loss of their intimate contact over something so irrelevant. “
“But—” Kaelix tried to argue but Zeal cut him off.
“Are you ashamed of being seen with me?” He asked with a glint of hurt in his eyes.
“Oh heavens no, no, no!” Kaelix refuted the accusation almost immediately, flabbergasted that Zeal would assume such a thing of him. “I'm just.. scared it might reach my family. I don't think they'll take it well, Zeal. I'm scared of what might happen to the both of us.” He confessed.
To think he could finally admit to what was holding him back out loud felt somewhat liberating, to vocalize his fears and anxiety to the one person he adored and longed for the most, to allow himself the luxury of honesty at long last.
It wasn’t that he didn't feel like himself around Zeal, no, it was quite the opposite all along; he could only feel like his true self around the delinquent boy.
“I know, Kaelix, I know.” He caressed the soft locks of the younger’s hair, hoping it'd sooth his anxiety even for a fraction. “I know how hard it must’ve been on you to come to terms with something so life altering in the first place. I know how it could get ugly and dangerous for you, I know how scary it is.” He reassured Kaelix. “And I wouldn't want you to be put into a dangerous position, not for anyone and certainly not for me.” He planted soft kisses on the other’s hair, forehead and nose bridge. “Whether out or deep inside the closet; I will always choose you.”
Kaelix tried to search for any indication, any hint of insincerity but all he could find was genuine adoration and an understanding on a far deeper level than he thought he deserved. “Even if we have to hide, you'd still choose to be with me?” He asked, uncertain of himself.
Zeal responded by nodding feverishly. “Yes.” His answer came out full of conviction and without a second of hesitation. “You're the only one I want, Kaelix. So even if I have to wait all eternity for you to be in a safer position to be out and proud; I'd gladly do it in every lifetime.”
Kaelix smiled upon hearing that answer through running tears. He could no longer find his words nor the proper reaction to this overwhelming affection.
“Kaelix, darling, are you okay?” Zeal coaxed very softly. All the younger boy could do was nod to reassure Zeal he was fine.
“I like you, Zeal. I can finally say it.” He sniffled in the midst of his confession. “So much that you're the only thing I dream of in my slumber and the only thought I have in my wake.”
Only if he could scream those words at the top of lungs from the highest mountain in the country for the entire world to hear.
“I love you, Kaelix.” Zeal smiled tenderly watching the blush flush over the younger’s face. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
Zeal didn’t need to ask twice for Kaelix to agree to his proposal. “It'd be my honor, Zeal Ginjoka.”