Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The bar is packed, loud and bright against Rafael's brain, making him retreat back into himself.

The squad is all around him, laughing, drinking. Having a good time. Rollins is retelling some old stories back from her Atlanta days, making Fin burst out laughing, Liv barely holding her own fit back behind a well-timed sip of her wine. Carisi is long gone in his beer and fun, Dodds finally breaking under everyone's celebratory mood and cracking a smile of his own.

Rafael makes sure his lips lift appropriately, takes his cues from everyone around him, until they stop paying attention to him.

But did they ever?

He looks hard at his phone, but no matter how vicious his gaze is, no new calls or texts appear. Why would they? And from who?

Everyone who could write him is here, except for Rita, who has better things to do than text Rafael at a random Tuesday.

Rafael's not that important. Never has been.

Carisi across from him snorts so hard, the beer comes out of his nose, throwing everyone into hysteria, and Rafael drops a small - and he hopes - indignant huff. Something sarcastic, something that says he's above such impoliteness.

Even if the only thing he wants is to be a part of the festivities. He knows he's not exactly welcome.

The table separating them is a reminder. They might be drinking in the same bar, might be on the same side of the law, but Rafael is not one of them. Never was. Never could be.

The empty lit screen is taunting him further. There will be no checking in. No concerned family asking if he will be late tonight. If he's okay.

God, can someone just ask him if he's okay? He probably won't be truthful, but please just ask - is that too much?

Rafael downs the rest of his drink, looks at the glass thoughtfully, then at everyone else's.

"I'm going to get another one," he says and looks up only to see-

Nobody throwing him even the tiniest glance.

Figures.

Rafael nods to himself and stands up. Comes to the bartender, then thinks better of it.

He pays for his drinks and watches the squad have fun, not noticing the fact that their group is now one person fewer.

Let them be, Rafael's mind supplies unhelpfully. If you were worthy enough of being cared for, they would've noticed.

Rafael steps outside, into the chilly air. There are cars racing, honking, people walking by, but everything is blurry, a strange sheen forcing him to be on the other side from the rest of the world. Something drips down his face, so Rafael looks up, shocked to see only clear sky and no clouds in sight. A hand comes up to swipe at his cheek, but a new track quickly throws his efforts in vain. Rafael looks at his fingers to see clear liquid. Strange.

Rafael takes another look at his phone, but it's unchanged. Just the time blinking shallowly at him. He puts the phone away, turning back up to the sky.

It's cold. Rafael's cold.

Will he get warm if he burns himself?

Chapter Text

The end of Amanda’s story reminds Sonny of something Rafael has said before, so he turns to ask him about it-

Only to see nothing.

“Huh?”

The seat across from him is empty, since when is it empty?

“Carisi!” Amanda shouts right near his ear, making him recoil. “Where’d you go?”

“Where’s Barba?” he asks instead, not acknowledging Amanda’s question even for a second. “He was just here, wasn’t he?”

Everyone else looks around, as if Rafael is a child that got too bored and wandered away to play with someone when the adults have dived too deep into their conversation. Sonny would actually compare him to a cat that comes and goes as it pleases. One second it’s lazing next to you on the couch, and the next it’s gone to its important feline business.

“Didn’t go to the restroom,” Fin speaks up, which leads Sonny to look up at him in question, ask ‘How do you know?’ with nothing but his eyes. “Unless the man carries his glass with him to take a leak,” Fin adds with a shrug.

“Now why would you put this image into my head?” Amanda groans, leaning into the table until her forehead hits her arms, shuddering. Fin snorts.

“Rafa probably went to get another one,” Benson says, takes another sip of her wine.

Sonny frowns, leans his body back and forth trying to see the area around the bar better. However he still can’t see Rafael.

“D’you see him leave?” he asks no one in particular. No one in particular answers. Sonny stands up with a sigh. “I’m gonna go look for him.”

Amanda coughs, completely fake, something resembling ‘lovebirds’ slotting itself in between the sounds. The table breaks out in another series of laughs behind Sonny’s back, so he simply shows one middle finger over his shoulder.

Sonny comes closer to the bar, but there is still no sight of Rafael. Strange. Could he have actually taken his drink somewhere else? Not the restroom, though, Rafael would never.

…right?

Sonny turns around, when something just outside of the bar catches his eyes. He stops, rewinds until he can see through the window, and finally! There’s Rafael. Sonny shakes his head, as he exits the bar, tugs the jacket tighter around his body, when the wind attempts to freeze him.

“Counsellor!” Sonny calls out, but Rafael doesn’t react at all. Sonny frowns. “Counsellor? It’s pretty cold out here tonight, how about we take it back inside?”

Rafael still doesn’t do anything to acknowledge that Sonny is right behind him, which leads Sonny to frown even further. He comes closer, walking around to face the other man.

“Hey. Why’d you-” Sonny’s breath is punched out of his chest, as he registers everything that’s going on. When he speaks again, his voice is soft like a rose petal. “Rafael. What’s wrong?”

Rafael’s eyes finally focus, find his, but it’s like there’s still some kind of barrier between them, like Rafael has to swim through some deep waters and then some just to talk to Sonny.

“What?” he asks, and it’s all wrong. He sounds completely lost – not a grown free cat anymore, but a little tiny kitten, so adrift and disoriented that it sits quietly in place, not even the slightest sound from it.

“What’s wrong?” Sonny repeats. “What happened?”

“Wha- nothing, why?”

Rafael’s words are barely pronounced, weak and shy things, that Sonny has to strain to hear. And so confused too. Sonny’s hand comes up without him even noticing it, thumbing lightly at the tear track, even though it’s futile – new tears trace another route instantly.

“You are crying,” he says quietly, tenderly, his eyes searching for the reason why. Everything seemed to be fine just minutes ago, when Rafael was still with them, Sonny didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary-

And he also didn’t notice Rafael leaving out of the blue, so maybe he’s not that good of a detective.

Rafael blinks. “Oh. That’s what it is,” he mutters dumbly, raising one hand to swipe angrily under the eye which isn’t occupied by Sonny’s fingers, then looking at the liquid questioningly, half ‘where did you come from?’ and half ‘why would you betray me like that?’.

Sonny watches him sharply, tracing the movements with keen eyes. Has Rafael gotten some kind of a text or call? There’s no family that Sonny knows of or any friends for that matter – except for Rita Calhoun of course. Would Rafael cry over Calhoun?..

That’s a dumb question. Rafael would cry over Buchanan of all people, of course he would cry over his friend. The actual question is – did Calhoun run into something that would make Rafael cry for her?

“Rafael?” Sonny calls, when the other man fails to look away from his wet hand. Waits, until Rafael’s eyes focus on his own once again. “What’s wrong?”

Sonny can’t fix what he doesn’t know, so he desperately needs to find out what happened.

“Nothing. Nothing, nothing’s wrong,” Rafael shakes his head.

“You are still crying though,” Sonny points out because Rafael looks like he already forgot about it. “It’s okay, you can tell me what’s wrong,” he adds next in his most comforting voice, hopes that it works.

God must’ve heard his prayers.

Rafael shrugs, but Sonny can see the gates open.

“It’s really nothing,” he whispers. However the feelings that emanate from the words are completely different, as if Rafael actually doesn’t know himself, is scrounging deep inside himself to reach that reason. “Just- I think I felt…” Rafael clams up, averts his gaze. “It’s stupid. Nothing happened. Go back, Sonny.”

If Rafael’s behavior didn’t already tell Sonny that something’s really wrong, the use of his name definitely would have. Sonny knows that they’ve been getting closer, but till this moment every time Rafael actually said ‘Sonny’ it was done with a side of sarcasm, still not letting go of the ‘aren’t you a bit too old for such a nickname?’ aspect. There hasn’t been a Carisi sighting in a long time, just Detective or the snickering Sonny. This time though it’s filled with empty despair of someone on the edge of breaking down.

“It’s not stupid if it affects you so much,” Sonny says calmly and confidently – a complete opposite to Rafael, which makes him feel completely weird and unbalanced.

“But it is,” Rafael wipes harshly at his eye, so Sonny catches the hand with his own, frowning, lowers it to do the action himself – more gentle, tender. Only now Sonny realizes how close they stand, how intimate this moment between them is, but he doesn’t care, just keeps wiping the tears away. “So I felt a little lonely, that’s no reason to go crying!” Rafael throws out with a nervously angry gesture, deflating right in the middle of the road.

Sonny feels himself frown even further. “But the whole squad is there-”

“Exactly! So this makes no sense!”

Rafael finishes his last sentence with a nearly hysterical laugh, which makes the hairs on Sonny’s arm stand up in alarm. The tears come faster, their flow stronger, and Sonny is stuck in a perpetual sense of unease.

“Emotions don’t have to make sense,” he says suddenly, surprising both himself and Rafael, who looks up at him like Sonny is a life jacket, a buoy in the middle of deep ocean. “Sometimes they just need to be let out, you need to live through them to let ‘em go,” he explains his point, thankful that Rafael doesn’t seem to get scattered, distracted. However now there’s confusion rolling off of him in waves. “I… I did want to become a priest, remember?” he jokes in attempt to brighten the mood.

Rafael bursts out laughing, the sound originating so deep he bows under its pressure, making Sonny let go of his face. Rafael laughs hard, with even more tears, and Sonny’s little moment of pride for elevating the atmosphere sours instantly.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael cries through the giggles. “Sorry, it wasn’t even that funny, I don’t know why-”

The rest of his sentence is swallowed by more laughing, a hysteria-fueled sound that Sonny despises with his entire being. He steps forward, raises his hand around Rafael carefully and brings him closer, hugs him tight, feels the giggling give way to actual body-shuddering crying. Sonny’s heart tears silently, as he makes little shushing sounds, presses his hands flat against Rafael’s back to bring something physical Rafael can tether himself to.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Sonny says softly, his lips moving along Rafael’s hair, but he doesn’t dare actually touch the skin. “Just let it out. It’s okay. You are not alone, I'm right here.”

They stand like that for quite some time under the soundtrack of New York habitual cacophony of cars and sirens, the bar bursting with life just behind Rafael’s back. They stand until the crying dies down to little hitches of breath, until Rafael’s shivering seems to be caused by the cold and not the overflow of emotions. Sonny pats Rafael’s back before stepping back, watches Rafael release the grip on the lapels of Sonny’s jacket with something akin to sorrow. But it’s not for long, because Sonny quickly sheds said jacket to drape it over Rafael’s shoulders, rubbing his palms on Rafael’s arms through the clothes to bring back some of the warmth.

“Don’t take it the wrong way,” he starts, barely hiding his grin at the stupid joke. “But let me take you home, Rafael.”

Rafael looks at him questioningly, his fingers white from the grasp he has on the jacket. Sonny tugs it more closed against the wind.

“I’ll just feel better if I could drive you home, make sure you’re okay. Nothing more,” he assures needlessly, apparently, as Rafael nods simply.

“Okay,” he replies, tiredly, like he’s too exhausted for anything else.

“Okay,” Sonny repeats. “My car’s that way. C’mon.”

Rafael follows his lead without a hitch, which is unusual and a bit terrifying, to be completely honest. But it’s fine – Sonny’s not about to be scared off by a little break down.