Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[[ SCAG has created a group chat. ]]

[[ SCAG has renamed the group chat to “regretevatorlings”. ]]

[[ SCAG has added Prototype, Pest, 1nf3ct3d, and 8 others to the chat. ]]

SCAG: hello everypony........... welcome to the gc of AGONY and DESPAIR

Prototype: Oh hey guys!!! :]

Split: Berry nice to see y’all! I’m sure we’ll all have a grape time here… 🙃

Pest: ??????

Pest: How tf did you get my number.

Pest: because I know damn well I didn't give it to you, コンピュータ

SCAG: Heh. i have my ways.

SCAG: (poob totally leakmaxxed it to meWhat Who Said Thattt)

poob!!!!: AWW COME ON SCAG >:[[

poob!!!!: u promised u wouldn't tell T-T

SCAG: and YOU promised you wouldn't break my awesomefilled gaming setup yet here we are partymaxxer..

1nf3ct3d: awww the girlz r fighting XDD

SCAG: PRONOUN POLICE 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚔🚔🚔🚔 THAT’S A THEY/THEMMAXXER OVER THERE THAT'S A NONBINARYPILLED JOLLY FELLOW YOU TRANSPHOBE......

1nf3ct3d: *exhale* boi-

1nf3ct3d: (gamer-rage-dank-meme-ifunny.jpeg)

[[ 1nf3ct3d has left the group chat. ]]

SCAG: brokugo katsuki thinks he can escape the consequences of his own actions

[[ SCAG has added 1nf3ct3d to the group chat. ]]

SCAG: you're fiveever spiritually bound to this place good luck trying to ever exitmaxx again buckaroo ❤️❤️

1nf3ct3d: (｡>﹏<) 🖕

Lampert: I've just backread and; yeah. this truly is the GC of agony and despair.

Pest: it is hell.

Pest: I am burning.

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: I DONT KNOW WHY YOURE ZO PREZZED ABOUT IT. ITZ JUZT A FREE TRIAL OF WHERE YOULL END UP ONCE YOU DIE. WHEN I KILL YOU.

Pest: Anyone else hear something?

Pest: some sort of... annoying, high pitched squeaking?

poob!!!!: aw come on pestt,,,dont be a jackass :((

poob!!!!: 'member when gnarpgnarp let me borro xer zappy gun thingamajig?? xe arent THATT bad :{

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: FIRZTLY: NEVER CALL ME ZHAT EVER AGAIN IF YOU KNOW WHATZ GOOD FOR YOU. I WILL GUN YOU DOWN.

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: ZECONDLY. YOU ZTOLE ZHAT "ZAPPY GUN THINGAMAJIG" (MY RAY BLAZTER). I DID NOT LET YOU BORROW IT.

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: ZHE ONLY REAZON YOU EZCAPED WITH YOUR LIFE WAZ BECAUZE OF ZHAT ZLORPING BANANA PEEL FRIEND OF YOURZ..

SCAG: holy yap brah investmaxx in a DIARY ☠️☠️

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: BE QUIET OR YOU’RE NEXT, FEEBLE COMPUTER.

SCAG: oooooh shiver me timbers im shaking in my boots (i will consume ur liver)

Split: Do aliens even have livers…? Or, ya know, organs?

Prototype: According to my database, yep!! :D The types and amounts vary from species to species, but most of them tend to have them in SOME form :>

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: WHY DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIZ??? DO YOU HAVE ZOMEONE ON ZHE INZIDE??? NOT ZHAT ZUPERIOR ZPECIEZ ZUCH AZ UZ WOULD EVER ALLOW ZOMETHING LIKE ZHAT TO GO UNNOTICED…

Prototype: Simple, I just collect any data that comes my way!! No spies involved or… whatever you were thinking about...

Bive: THATS… something VERY similar to what a SPY would say…

Bive: IVE GOT MY EYE ON YOU ROBOT.

Bive: I HAVE MY EYE ON ALL OF YOU, ACTUALLY.HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS ISNT AN ELABORATE PLOT TO GET ME INVOLVED IN A CULT????

Bive: Or….whatever scams you’re trying to trick your victims into NOWADAYS…

Doctor RETRO: Bive, honey, in the most gentle way possible, have you been taking your medication?

Bive: OF COURSE NOT... I dont just INGEST random suspicious pills of my own free will...

Doctor RETRO: Yeah that checks out

Dr. RETRO: @Split, would you be a doll and visit Bive's... well, wherever her current place of residence is located, to remind her of how important her meds are?

Split: 'Course!! I'll hop in the elevator lickety split, soon as my next floor ticket finishes prune-ting ^^

Dr. RETRO: You're an angel, sugar. I owe ya.

Pilby B Caterpillar: Hey guys!! :0) Uhmm, I... hope this doesn't seem rude, but… why was I added to this group...?

SCAG: floptastic question my insectpilled friend....... i just added everyone in my contacts who frequents the regretevator so we could all correspondmaxx more effectively

SCAG: actually very gracious and sexycore of me if you think about it

Pilby B Caterpillar: d’aww... well, that's nice and all, but don't we all see each other pretty much every day...? :'0]

Pilby B Caterpillar: And some of us... older folk, have more trouble navigating these complicated devices too...

SCAG: would u rather us communicate by carrier pigeon or whatcore 💔💔

SCAG: also all of us r chronically online except YOU pilbert....... its ok to admit youre an unc

SCAG: be who you are for ur pride brotato chip 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Pilby B Caterpillar: ... I didn't understand half of those words :0(

[[ 1nf3ct3d has changed Pilby B Caterpillar's name to token UNC ]]

1nf3ct3d: oh yuhhhz while im here!!1!!1111!!!!1!! can we add ppl :P

SCAG: hmmmmmcore..

SCAG: yah sure i dont see why not, the more the merrierfilled brochacho ✅

1nf3ct3d: awesomesauceee

[[ 1nf3ct3d has added Unempluzzed Gradient~ to the group chat. ]]

Unempluzzed Gradient~: ... ?

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: FUCKING KILL YOURZELF I AM NOT JOKING.

STAT: someone call an exterminator jesus christ...

Split: Un-peel-ievable… 😕

SCAG: public hanging of infected tomorrow btw.

SCAG: (if u object ur a grinch)

poob!!!!: man the worst part is that i cant even disagre with u guys:((

poob!!!!: tihs is RLLY a mood killer even for me .

SCAG: now see what a crime you’ve committed,, you’ve gone and upset poob….. you’ve REALLY done it this time unpleasant. Waow.

Bive: Unpleasant always ruins EVERYTHING. Including my MOOD…

Bive: I need to sleep this off now AUGHH.

Bive: or maybe I WONT. You dont know what Ill do. I might stay up for the next FOURTY EIGHT HOURS. I might SLEEP. I might form a suicide pact.It could be anything… you dont and never WILL know ANYTHING about my schedule.

SCAG: yeah sure whatever you saymaxx brotein shake ❤️

SCAG: Good idea tho i think i’ll turn on sleep mode too✅

SCAG: at least i wont have to think about that ugly ass gradient anymore

Split: I think we could ALL do with some much-needed rest 🙂

Split: ‘Night everyone!! <3

Chapter Text

1nf3ct3d: soooooo ive been thinking.... *_*

SCAG: first time?

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: OH NO! ZHAT HAZ TO BE DANGEROUZ.

STAT: yeah, it's definitely gotta be some type of safety hazard...

1nf3ct3d: ok first of all #### ALL of you- DX

1nf3ct3d: secondly!1!!!1!!111!!1 wut i was tryinggg to say was that i gotta crack down on finding poptart for REALZIES>:]]]

1nf3ct3d: and i need a search party 2 help meh out with it!!! soooo, whos free tn???? +-+

1nf3ct3d: ....uhhhhh knock knock! any1 there lolzz?

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: NOTICE HOW EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY WENT ZILENT RIGHT AFTER YOU ZAID ZHAT?

SCAG: you aren't friggin tuff for cyberbullying dementia patients buckaroo..

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: ZHUT UP. AND LEARN HOW TO ZPELL, ''''BUDDY''''. YOUR FEEBLE MIND CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND THE CORRECT SPELLING OF "TOUGH" ZO IT ZURELY CANNOT COMPREHEND ANY OF MY TRAITZ.

SCAG: we got timmy toughknuckles in here

SCAG: scary larry

SCAG: malicious melvin

SCAG: gunmaster gary

SCAG: intimidating ivan

SCAG: frightening freddy

SCAG: alarming amanda

SCAG: petrifying penelope

SCAG: terrible terry

SCAG: grotesque gregory

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: YOUR MOTHER DEFINITELY DRANK WHILE PREGNANT WITH YOU- OH WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, YOU FUCKING DIRTY OIL-GUZZLING METAL-SKINNED CLANKER.

[[ ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD has gone offline. ]]

SCAG: i scaremaxxed xem offline with my alpha aura AND managed to make xem call me a slur..

SCAG: im counting this as a WIN for scagnation chat

-----

SCAG: fartmaxxes really loudly all over the messages above me (it smells REALLY bad)

1nf3ct3d: starts urinating to assert mah dominance.. >:)

SCAG: opens mouth nice and wide... KYAAA INFECTED CHAN PISS FOR ME ^.^

Lampert: Why have you two genuinely just sent all of us fetish content??

Lampert: @DrRETRO, I understand that you are "working on it", but you are not working on it quickly enough. Please find a cure for whatever godforsaken illness Kasper has contracted. Soon. I'm afraid it is progressing more and more rapidly by the day.

Pest: infected, I can see you typing. if it's more bullshit about your piss kink; then I will PERSONALLY make a b-line to your floor and strangle you myself.

1nf3ct3d: ....

1nf3ct3d: i wuz going to do NO such thing.

1nf3ct3d: and i DONT hav a piss kink... :/// why r u thinking about that aNyWaYz- .... ###ing perv.. >:0

Pest: whatever helps you sleep at night

STAT: i've just opened my phone and, well... in the most genuine way possible, i have NEVER wanted to kill myself more!

poob!!!!: me 2 stat me 2 :'{{

poob!!!!: (no offense fected..)

1nf3ct3d: XDD nun taken

-----

Lampert: @1nf3ct3d I got you some pony beads from Scag's shop; I'll drop them off whenever I can next pick up a ticket.

1nf3ct3d: BLESS MAH WONDRFUL PUPPYBOY LIEFFFF X3

Lampert: If your apartment isn't acceptably clean by then, however, I'm not giving them to you. (also, I'm not unblocking your number. Please stop spamming me.)

1nf3ct3d: #### MAH STOOPID PUPPYBOY LIFE. >:'((

-----

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: [[gleepglorp.png - an image of Gnarpy grinning and standing in front of a very trashed Splitsville with multiple UFOs hovering over it and many holes in the ground; probably from the ships' lasers]]

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: THE GNARPIANZ HAVE CLAIMED NEW LAND! WE REJOICE AT THIZ VICTORY. TAKE THIZ AZ A WARNING. WE WILL VANQUIZH ALL OF YOU IN ZHE END.

1nf3ct3d: awwww whoz a nice kitty cat ^_^

1nf3ct3d: u want ear scritches?

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: I WILL NOT FUEL NOR ENCOURAGE YOUR RIDICULOUZ BEHAVIOR.

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: ZHAT BEING ZAID; YOU ARE NEXT.

1nf3ct3d: awww ur crankyyy.. u just need to take a nice long nap curled up on mah couch B)

1nf3ct3d: i should set up a playdate between u nd poptart soon :D

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: NO. PLZ KYZ. ALZO UR CAT IZ DEAD.

1nf3ct3d: ????lolz wut r u yappin abt

Doctor RETRO: Oh come on Gnarpy, that's an awful thing to say.

SCAG: yah he was just ragebaiting thats way too farcore

Split: That's like tellin a kid santa isnt real :(

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: IT HAD TO BE ZAID AT ZOME POINT. I WAZ REALLY JUST DOING YOU GUYZ A FAVOR. I KNOW YOU GLORPING PUZZIEZ WOULD BE TOO COWARDLY TO ACTUALLY ZPIT IT OUT, ANYAYZ.

-----

Chapter Text

Split: @Pest, why is your status set as "PUT ME ON SUICIDE WATCH AND DO NOT LET ME NEAR ANY SHARP OBJECTS"...? Are you alright? :<

Pest: I made the mistake of agreeing to hanging out with poob. think I may have to kill myself.

Split: Oh, no!

Split: Please don't do that... :^[[

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: @Pest CUT DEEPER CUT DEEPER CUT DEEPER CUT DEEPER

SCAG: im so deeply in love with u gnarpy lets make out sloppy style

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: @SCAG GO DEEPER GO DEEPER GO DEEPER GO DEEPER GO DEEPER GO DEEPER

SCAG: another #SUCCESSFUL ragebait from me

SCAG: Y/N (goth omega turtlegirl i met off discord): good one scag good one!! you are so sexy and funny and great hhaahaaha i love you

SCAG: Me: aw thanks Y/N.. *blushes* *i go into rut*

SCAG: Y/N: *goes into heat*

SCAG: Me: *starts timing my thrusts to the tune of everything is awesome from Da Lego Movie*

SCAG: Me: *impregnates Y/N except since u are a woman our love is forbidden bc god intended only for MEN to be impregnated and u get hate crimed and killed before u can deliver our pups*

poob!!!!: plz someone stop her before she starts going into detail about mpreg and misandry in teh omegaverse i cant handle a repeat of last tiem.. :'<<

1nf3ct3d: hard agree brah.. DX<

1nf3ct3d: i RLLY wna unlearn wut alpha beta nd omega dynmics r.. ://

Wallter: Scag, darling, that last message you sent is complete misinformation.

Wallter: That is not how the Omegaverse works whatsoever... both males and females can be alphas and/or omegas. It is also socially acceptable for both males and females to carry the pups.

SCAG: ???????

SCAG: MY HEADCANON ABOUT WALLTER READING OMEGAVERSE PORN IS CANON???

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: YOU NEED TO BE ZHOT DEAD FOR ZOME OF ZHE THINGZ YOU ZAY.

mannequin_Mark: This is the reason we got divorced, Wallt.

-----

Split: @BIVE Hey, Bivey?

BIVE: YES???!!!? WHAT IS IT???! ARE YOU IN DANGER!!?!!?!

Split: Oh! No, nothin of the sort, hon! :))

Split: I was just wonderin if you knew what an "inflation furry" was..?

BIVE: ?????????????????

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD:  I WOULD ALZO LIKE TO KNOW. FEEBLE HUMANZ KEEP APPROACHING ME CALLING ME A GAZZY FURRY WHOZE INFLATED BELLY THEY WOULD LIKE TO CRAWL INTO. IT PIZZEZ ME OFF ZHAT I AM OUT OF ZHE LOOP.

BIVE: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS SPLIT ..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIVE: HOWEVER...

BIVE: IT MAY!!!!!!!!BE CODE FOR ECONOMIC INFLATION AND THAT THE STOCK MARKET MAY BE CRASHING SOON ....

BIVE: UNSURE ABOUT THE FURRY PART THOUGH. I WILL TRY MY BEST TO CRACK THIS CASE WIDE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCAG: none of you guys are chronically onlinecore enough i dont even wanna breakmaxx it to u

SCAG: u guys are like cute innocent little babehs <33333 mah maternal instincts are kicking in... COME HERE SMOL BEAN<3333

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: I AM THIZ GLORPING CLOZE TO LEAVING THIZ GROUP CHAT. 

SCAG: me personally i only ever get close whenever im looking at gassy smelly inflation furries

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: @EVERYONE WHAT ZHE FUCK ARE INFLATION FURRIEZ???????????

Split: ^^^

1nf3ct3d: inflation is when u pump ur biggggg belly full of lotsss of air and you get soooooo biggggg you’re gonna popppppp XD

[[ SCAG has kicked 1nf3ct3d from the group chat. ]]

ZUPREME GNARPIAN OVERLORD: YOUR LAZT MEZZAGE WAZ LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ZHE ZAME THING HE WAZ.

SCAG: okcore but i didnt KNOWMAXX that SOMEONE (emo fag)was ACTUALLYCORE into FUCKING INFLATION!!!!!!!!

Split: please. Can we peel-ease stop talkin about this?

SCAG: no lesbo

Wallter: I do dislike getting involved in these types of petty skirmishes, but I do owe Split a favor...

Wallter: Scag, I will give you 25 coins if you will stop talking about- pardon my language, but "gassy inflation furries".

SCAG: nuh uh cheapmaxxer

SCAG: 67 coins and ill CONSIDERMAXX it.......

SCAG: get it Hahahahahahhahaah SIX SEVENNN SIIIIIXXXX SEEVEEEENNNNNNN

BIVE:STOP!!!!!REPEATINHG THAT WREtTTCHED PHRASE!!!!THEY ARE GOING TO COMe FOR US!!!!!

BIVE: I ALWAYS KNEW!!!!!YOU WERE A SPY SENT bYY THE GOVERNMNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!TO PUSH THE S*X S*V*N AGENDA ON THE INNOCENTS!!!!!!!!!!WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!

Split: Sweetheart, you're havin' an episode.

BIVE:I AMMM NOTTYTTT!!!!!! HAVING A GODDAMN EPIOSDE!!!!!WE ARE NOT IN A TV SHOW!!!!!TELEVISION IS THE WORK OF THE !!!!!!!!!DEVVIL!!!!!!

Wallter: I sent you the money, Scag. Please stop freaking Bive out, please.

SCAG: bitch i didnt domaxx anything this time

SCAG: Stop trying to BLAMEMAXX me AGAINCORE 4 bive being a tweakmaxxer

Dr RETRO: I suppose she at least did stop her disgusting talk of Deviantart fetish content...