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Per hasn’t left his room in days. The heat of the summer break presses against the window, sunlight pooling across his floor like it’s mocking him for wasting another perfect day inside. His phone lies face down on his desk — unread messages nonexistent. He hasn’t touched his Switch. The silence is deafening.
He stares up at the ceiling, headphones on, playing that song on repeat.
Don't you notice how / I get quiet when there's no one else around?
He does get quiet. Tar always noticed that. When it was just them — no noise, no other people filling the gaps — Per couldn’t fill the silence with jokes. Not when Tar was right there, looking at him with those soft, curious eyes. It was like being exposed. Seen. And Per didn’t know what to do with that.
He remembers sitting across from Tar on the school rooftop one afternoon, legs dangling over the edge, and not saying a word. Just feeling. Just knowing.
Tar never pushed. Per never spoke. And that silence had always been safe.
Until it wasn’t.
Me and you and awkward silence / Don’t you dare look at me that way
He clenches his jaw. That look — the one Tar gave him after the kiss. Not angry. Not disgusted. Just... stunned. Confused. It had ripped Per apart more than if he’d shoved him away.
Why did I do that?
Because Tar was going to kiss someone else. A stranger. Someone who wouldn’t remember him in the morning, who wouldn’t treasure that moment like Per would.
He’d kissed Tar because he couldn’t bear the thought of it going to anyone else.
And now, he wishes he could take it back — not the feeling, never that — but the timing. The execution. The fear that followed.
I don’t need reminders of how you don’t feel the same
Per covers his eyes with the crook of his arm.
He’s imagined this scene too many times. Tar, sitting on his own bed somewhere across town, laughing about it in a group chat. “Can you believe Per actually kissed me?” he’d say, and everyone would laugh. Per would be the punchline of his own heart.
Oh, the burning pain / Listening to you harp on ‘bout some new soulmate
God. All those times Tar had talked about crushes — girls, boys, celebrities, fictional characters — and Per had smiled through it, pretending to care. Pretending it didn’t feel like splinters in his chest every time Tar said someone else was “his type.”
“She’s so perfect,” blah, blah, blah...
Per lets out a dry laugh that’s more exhale than joy. Yeah. He remembers that line. Tar had said it last semester about a girl in year 10 who played the violin.
Meanwhile, Per was sitting two feet away, trying not to let his face crack.
Oh, how I wish you'll wake up one day / Run to me, confess your love, at least just let me say...
Per mouths the lyrics under his breath, syncing them to the beat pulsing in his headphones. He pictures it. Tar showing up at his front door, out of breath, eyes wide.
“I’ve been thinking,” he’d say. “About that kiss. About you.”
And Per — idiot, mess, heart in his throat — would finally say the truth out loud.
That when I talk to you / Oh, Cupid walks right through / And shoots an arrow through my heart
Because that’s what it always felt like. Every time Tar laughed at his joke. Every time he looked up and caught Tar already staring. Every moment they sat close, shoulders brushing, hearts beating a little too loudly.
It was always there. That arrow. Lodged somewhere deep.
And I sound like a loon / But don’t you feel it too? / Confess I loved you from the start
He whispers those last lines, almost involuntarily.
He’s never told anyone. Not really. Not even himself.
But he did. He does.
He loved Tar from the moment he realized his world felt better, clearer, warmer with him in it.
What’s a girl to do / Lying on my bed, staring into the blue? / Unrequited, terrifying / Love is driving me a bit insane
He rolls onto his back again, the ceiling blurry through tired eyes. The song loops. His mind loops with it.
He’s too scared to message first. Too proud. Too hurt. Too in love.
And he’s afraid — terrified — that Tar didn’t feel the same.
That the kiss was just a mistake to him. A moment of confusion. A nothing.
Have to get this off my chest / I’m telling you today...
But he doesn’t.
His thumb hovers over Tar’s contact. He stares. He sighs. He puts the phone down again.
That when I talk to you / Oh, Cupid walks right through / And shoots an arrow through my heart
Per closes his eyes. Maybe one day, he’ll have the courage to say it for real.
And I sound like a loon / But don’t you feel it too? / Confess I loved you from the start
But not tonight.
Not yet.