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1.
— Wow ! Your flat looks so cool ! says Tommy with joy. I think you’ll be fine here.
He puts the heavy box down on the floor, looking at the walls of the flat. He hears a little laugh in the kitchen, when his best friend gets out to join him in the living room.
— Yeah, I think it was the best option for me.
It is the first Määnin’s flat. Before, he still lived in his parents’ house. He accepted this, for him it was natural to continue to live here, especially because he hadn't so much money to pay for a flat. But with Tommy’s and Freppa’s help, he could pay his first rent. It was difficult to help him, because Määnin didn’t want the help of his friends : he is a man now, he can live like an adult, with the money they gain with their gigs. But Tommy forced him to accept their help, and day after day, Määnin finally accepted it in a breath.
And now they are here, unpacking Määnin’s belongings. Freppa isn't here, he helps his mother with something. Even if Marlene looks like a good mom and even if Tommy likes her delicious cookies, he couldn’t help but think about what Määnin told him about the thing he did with her. And Tommy never appreciated it, even if he respected his best friend’s decision to make a song about it.
With a bored breath, Määnin slumps on the sofa, Tommy joining him. Their eyes look at the living room, admire the rustic style of the wall, trying to not notice the moisture stain and the sound of the parquet floor. But Tommy notices another, softer sound. He tries to find the source of it, and looks up.
Here, he sees a drop falling from the ceiling before it hits the ground. And an another one, making a bored “drip-drop” sound in the background. He frowns with irritation.
— Do you see that before accepting this rent ? he asks his friend, showing the ceiling with his finger.
— Yes, why ? It was the best place I could rent with my salary, answers Määnin, lights his cigarette.
Tommy can’t say anything, his friend isn’t wrong. He feels that Määnin is irritated by the fact he couldn’t hire a decent flat, without this kind of degradation. But for Tommy, it’s okay, because only a tough guy like Määnin could live in a flat like this with calm, a cigarette between his lips. He looks so cool compared to him.
— Maybe you could put a carpet under it. It'll contain the humidity of the drops.
— Nah, forget that, Tommy. When I’m fully settled, I’d fix that leak with a plank.
Tommy imagines for a while Määnin doing this. He imagines his arms, normally playing bass, hit the plank with a hammer, a cigarette on his ear, his hairs becoming wet by the work. Tommy shakes his head, trying to erase these pictures created by his mind. He swallows his saliva.
— Maybe until you do it, you can put a bucket under. It will be just for a while. A carpet would be just disgusting.
Määnin doesn’t answer immediately. He takes a deep breath before releasing cigarette smoke. Tommy feels his cheeks blushing at this view, but he couldn’t leave his gaze of him. It is like his eyes are attached to his best friend. But who can blame him ? Määnin is so charismatic that everybody has their eyes on him.
— Maybe. I just need a bucket now.
2.
— Määnin ? Why have you asked me to come ? shouts Tommy as he enters his friend’s flat.
Even though Määnin has been installed for a few weeks, a few boxes are still not open, the scotch tape still in place, waiting to be removed. But the flat breathes life now that someone is living here. His ears hear the same “drip-drop” sound, but with a metallic note. Under the leak is a bucket, like Tommy suggested the last time he came here. He supposes Määnin is too busy to fix it.
— I can’t call my best friend to come ? replies Määnin from the kitchen, a playful tone in his voice.
Tommy can’t help but feel an affectionate feeling in his chest when Määnin calls him his best friend. Of course he never doubted it : they knew each other since their childhood, never separated. It would be a disgrace if they aren’t best friends. But he always loves it when Määnin says it, especially when they are in public. Tommy always feels pride when he introduces him like his best friend.
Tommy enters the kitchen, where a sweet smell of food is coming. Määnin is here, in front of the cooker, the sleeves of his denim jacket rolled up to his elbows. He doesn't wear his sunglasses on, so he supposes Määnin is comfortable enough here to show his eyes. Tommy remembered that his friend, when he lived in his parents’ house, always wears his sunglasses inside. He supposes Määnin didn’t want to show himself in front of his parents. But Tommy can’t blame him. He knows his parents, he knows they aren’t the best parents Määnin could have.
His friend turns to see him, and a smirk appears on his face. Tommy always likes when Määnin does it : he looks so confident, so marvelous. He can’t help but feel a strange sensation in his stomach, the same he has when Määnin looks at him with this smile, or when he laughs at his words.
— You cook now ? he asks to sweep the strange feeling in him.
— Yes, why ? Eating some cooked eats doesn’t hurt anyone. Do you want to stay to eat ?
Tommy feels his cheeks blushing, while his friend looks at him with his sparkling blue eyes. He always found his eyes beautiful, it’s a crime that Määnin doesn’t show them more to the world.
— Yes, why not. What do you cook ?
— Just pasta, he looks at Tommy with playful eyes. Why are you looking at me like that ? I’m not a chef, just a random guy trying to be healthy.
Tommy doesn’t say anything, but he notices the change in his friend’s voice at the end of his sentence. He frowns at this detail but, wouldn't bother Määnin, he says nothing.
— So you called me to eat with you ?
A soft laugh comes from the lips of his best friend, as he runs a casual hand through his hair.
— At first, no. It was for another reason.
He reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out a key. He hands it to Tommy, looking into his eyes.
— This is my spare key. You gave me yours, so I just waited to do one for you.
Tommy takes the key, swallowing. When he had his flat, he gave a spare key to Määnin because it was easiest like this : when his friend didn’t want to stay with his parents, he could stay in Tommy’s flat. He trusted him, he knew Määnin couldn't do anything in his flat. So, with Määnin giving him a spare key of his own flat, he shows at Tommy he trusts him, and maybe he thanks him for helping him to find his little home, to have been always here for him when he lived with his parents.
And Tommy couldn’t be more happy about it. This key will be added to his bunch of keys, maybe with a little thing to recognise it. It will be better if he can find it quickly. Because he needs to be always here for Määnin.
He shows a big smile to his friend, and the latter returns to preparing lunch. Tommy swears he saw a blush on his cheeks, but maybe it’s just the temperature. The flat doesn’t appear to be very well insulated. Even him feels a bit hotter than he entered.
With a leak like in the living room, he supposes it's a good deduction that the flat isn't the best. He hopes that Määnin won't feel cold when colder temperatures arrive.
3.
— Why are you acting like a nurse ?
— Shut up, swears Tommy with blushed cheeks. It’s not my fault if you are like this.
— I never asked you to help me with that, coughs Määnin. I just asked you to come and keep me company.
— In your condition ?! You can’t be serious, man. You are literally dying here !
— You’re so dramatic, Tommy… breathes his friends, before blowing his nose.
Tommy doesn’t answer, going into the kitchen to find a decent food for Määnin. In the Vörjeans group chat, he said he was sick, explained he couldn’t come to Freppa’s garage to practice for future gigs. When Freppa told him to rest, saying he’ll come to give him some Marlene’s cookies, Määnin sent a text to Tommy to ask him to come to his flat : “I hate to be alone in that condition”, he sent. Tommy couldn’t refuse it.
And now is here, searching for a fucking decent eats between his empty cupboards. But finally, he finds a can of soup. Perfect. He finds a bowl and pours the soup in. He places the bowl in the microwave and waits for it to reheat. Tommy feels a shiver when he searches for a spoon, when his flat was so cold ? He knows they are in winter, but it’s like Määnin doesn’t have heating.
When the soup is sufficiently hot, Tommy rejoins Määnin, posing the bowl and the spoon on the coffee table in front of his friend. The latter smiles softly, straightening up.
— You are not obligated to do that, Tommy.
— Please Määnin, complains Tommy. Can you just accept some help ?
His friend adds nothing, too tired and exhausted to try to fight against an anxious and frustrated Tommy. He starts to eat, humming at the heat of the food swallowing in his throat.
Tommy sits on the floor in front of him, detailing his friend : his eyes are red from fatigue and sickness, his nose is red too, from blowing his nose over the last few days. The blanket on his shoulder looks very thin on him, and Tommy swears he sees his friend trembling under it.
— What are you looking for, Tommy ? You look really silent these last minutes.
— N-Nothing, he swallows. I’m just very concerned with your condition.
— You’re what now ? A girlfriend ?
His laugh ends in a little cough, allowing Tommy to try to hide his blushing and take on a neutral face.
— Don’t say shit, man. You're looking like ass, is very unusual for you.
— You’re never been sick in your life ?
Tommy says nothing, doesn’t want to make Määnin angry. In the silence of the room, the same metallic “drip-drop” sound resonates. When he turns his head, he sees the same bucket of the last time he came, collecting drop after drop of the leak above. He blows.
— You didn’t fix it ? It explains why you are sick ! Maybe your flat has other leaks like that !
— Damn, Tommy… If you want, you can fix it by yourself.
Tommy puffs out his cheeks, continuing to stare at Määnin eating, asking himself how he can help his friend. He knows Määnin isn’t a fragile thing, he’s the toughest guy of Vörå, but Tommy can’t help and feels the need to help him. Not in a gay though, just as a best friend.
— Haven’t you got a hotter blanket ? I think it can help you to be better.
— Maybe in my bedroom, I don’t know, whispers Määnin.
— I’ll search one for you, says Tommy as he stands up.
Määnin quickly raises his head, a tinge of fear in his eyes. Tommy frowns.
— No ! No it’s okay, Tommy, I can do it by myself, I-
A violent cough takes hold of Määnin, allowing Tommy to assert his choice to go and get him a warmer blanket. He searches his bedroom, opens the bathroom first by mistake, and finally opens the good room’s door.
He stands here, doing nothing when the door reveals the room.
It’s a literal mess. Even when Määnin lived with his parents, his room wasn’t like this . On the floor is a mass of empty beer cans, some empty cigarette packets between them. The bed doesn’t seem to have been made for days, a smell of cold tobacco wafting through the air. Nothing prepared him to see that.
With silence, he takes the blanket on the bed, closing the door when he leaves the room. He joins Määnin, who is silent, not daring to meet his gaze.
— Here, whispers Tommy, handing him the blanket.
Määnin thanks him with a soft, barely audible voice. Nothing needs to be said, they know what is in Määnin's room, a shameful secret he was always trying to hide. And Tommy doesn’t know how to talk about it. So he sits again in front of his friend, letting him eat in silence, the blanket on him, the smell of shame surrounding him.
The next time Tommy comes to Määnin's flat, his friend will be wearing his sunglasses, and Tommy will think it's his fault that he can't see those stunning blue eyes that were reserved for him.
4.
— Sometimes life sucks, man.
Tommy turns his head to see Määnin. They were in silence for a few minutes, drinking beers next to each other on the sofa. Määnin called him to go here with an emotionless voice. Even if Tommy was stressed to be with his friend in this condition, he accepted. Because he accepted all Määnin asked him.
— Why do you think that ? he can’t help but ask.
Määnin’s gaze locks on the bucket in the corner of the living room, almost full. Tommy wonders how many times his friend has to empty it in a week.
— Don’t act like you don’t know.
Tommy swallows, looking at the place their knees touch. Yes, of course he knows. Even if he never returned to Määnin's room, he knows deep inside that it looks exactly as last time. He bites his lower lips, not wanting to meet his eyes hidden by the sunglasses.
— Do you have enough to pay this month’s rent ? he tries to not talk about the main subject.
Määnin takes a sip of his beer.
— I think so. You don’t need to help me for all in my life, you know. You look like you’re gay.
He said it with a little laugh at the end, but Tommy doesn’t laugh, doesn’t find that funny. He couldn't be gay, because he never felt attracted to a man. Or a woman, now he thinks about it. The last few years, he could think only about Vörjeans, about Määnin. The taste of his beer became heavy on his tongue.
He wants to break the silence, says something intelligent one time in his life, but he can’t. He doesn’t have the strength to do this. How can he say to Määnin he's concerned when Määnin looks like he doesn't worry about it ?
Tommy has known his friend since their childhood, he knows when Määnin is frustrated, happy, bored, so how he never notices this kind of emotion : the sadness, the loneliness ? He tried to remember every act his best does, every word his best friend says, but Tommy has the feeling he wasn’t the best friend he could be for Määnin, because he never noticed any odd about him.
— What are you thinking, Toms ?
Määnin called him rarely by his nickname : “It sounds too gay” he explained one time. Tommy never said anything about it, after all he never appreciated someone calling him “Tom”. Exception for Määnin, of course. But something he noticed year after year, it’s when Määnin called him like this, is because he feels stressed. Why is he stressed at that moment ? Is it because Tommy doesn’t speak ?
— Nothing, Määnin, he lies. Maybe it’s just the beer that makes me strange.
His friend isn't convinced by his lie, his jaw tightening when he takes a sip of his beer. The room plunges back into silence, only interrupted only by the drops falling into the bucket.
Tommy feels angry : angry because he couldn’t help his best friend, angry because Määnin doesn’t want his help, angry because he needs to do something but he doesn’t know what .
Määnin throws his empty can on the floor, before taking another one. Tommy knows his friend has a facility to drink. A lot. But before he discovered his room, he didn’t pay attention to it. But now, when they drink in a bar or eachother home, he couldn’t help but notice.
— Why had you asked me to come ? he tries with a trembling voice.
Silence. Even if he doesn't see it, he knows Määnin’s eyes search for Tommy's. But Tommy is too weak to try to meet them, preferring to stare at the floor. He wants to cry but he bites his lower lips to resist. It’s the fault of the beer if he like this.
— I don’t know. I think it was to stop me doing something stupid.
Now, Tommy wants to vomit. Is it beer's fault or because he feels useless ? Maybe the two.
5.
— Määnin told me you have his spare key. He told me you can find what he wants.
It was Freppa said when he knocked at Tommy’s door after visiting Määnin at the rehab facility. Tommy felt a surge of tension on him : why Määnin asked him to find something ? After Freppa and he took Määnin to the rehab facility, his best friend cried the most awful words to him, wouldn’t see him anymore. Tommy said anything to Freppa, but he’s never felt so horrible in his life.
And now they are in front of Määnin's flat door, and Tommy can’t help but his hand trembles when he takes the key to enter. When he opens the door, his eyes start to humidify. He can do this, for Määnin.
The living room is in the same state as when Määnin left it. Tommy turns his head to see the bucket overflows, of course, because the flat has been abandoned for a few weeks. With a breath, he throws the water through the window, before putting it back in its original place.
— So, what did he want me to search for ? he asks to Freppa, who doesn't quite know where to stand.
— A photo, he whispers. Apparently, it’s in his bedroom. He said you’ll know where to find it.
Tommy swallows. He understands now why Määnin doesn’t want Freppa to search by himself. He doesn’t want Freppa to discover the mess in his room, he doesn’t want Freppa to have a new vision of him. So he asks someone who already knows it : Tommy Tall.
— Okay, no problem. Stay here. What kind of photo do I need to find ? he says between his teeth, as he goes to his friend’s bedroom.
— A photo of you and Määnin taken after a gig.
Tommy stops in front of the door, his hand above the handle. They took a lot of pictures after their gigs, sometimes with fans, sometimes with Freppa, sometimes just the two of them. And Määnin asked for one of them. Even if he insulted him. Why does his heart beat so fast ? Never mind. He doesn’t need to think about that.
Tommy enters in the room, and maybe it’s worse than the first time he entered : more empty beer cans, more empty cigarette packets. Now the bed is no longer visible, hidden by a bunch of clothes. It squeezes Tommy’s heart : how he couldn’t see that ? How he couldn’t help him earlier ? This room looks like a garbage, a garbage where Määnin could throw the traces of his despair, of his shame. And even if Tommy saw it, he acted only recently. He takes a deep breath to try to chase away his culpability and starts to find the photo his best friend needs.
It’s a challenge to find it among all the trash. Where his friend could stock a photo of them ? He starts to look at the walls, but nothing is on them. He searches, throws the cans quickly, hoping Freppa doesn’t hear him and enters to help him. If Freppa knows this part of Määnin's life, he’ll never forgive Tommy.
Finally, under the bed, he finds a little wooden box. Tommy looks at it with curiosity. Määnin had never told him about a thing like this. Slowly, he opens it. His heart misses a heartbeat.
Inside the box, find many items remind their friendship : the bracelet when they participated in their first festival, their first mail they received as Vörjeans to a gig, a leaf of their favourite tree Tommy gave at Määnin when they were children, and a last one : a photo, the photo Määnin asked for.
It was just after a gig, maybe one of the first, like Freppa explained. And, because of the quality of the photo, he is probably the one who took it. It represents Tommy and Määnin, big smiles on their faces, the arm on the other’s shoulder, looking at each other. Määnin doesn’t wear his sunglasses, his eyes sparkling with joy when he looks at Tommy. And Tommy laughs, probably because Määnin said something funny, like always. He doesn’t wear his iconic cap, this one found in his best friend's hand.
Tommy feels tears in the corner of his eyes. Since when he didn’t see Määnin like this, insouciant and joyful ? Since when didn’t he take the time to truly listen to what Määnin had to say ? How has he never seen the change since the years ?
Trembling, he stands up to join Freppa. He closes the door, hoping he never needs to go in again. Freppa is standing in the living room, staring at the leak with a frown. When he sees Tommy, a smile appears on his lips before he notices the state of his friend. He’s getting closer.
— Are you okay, Tommy ?
Tommy says nothing, just tending the photo to Freppa. He looks at it with surprise, but a soft smile appears.
— I understand why he would this one, it is a very good memory. You look so happy here.
Tommy wants to cry, really. He feels a tear running down his cheek with silence, and he sees in Freppa’s gaze he notices it. But he appreciates the fact he says nothing about it.
— Why doesn't he want to see me, Freppa ? he asks, his voice full of emotions. Is it because I’m the one who thought to take him to the rehab facility ?
Freppa avoids his gaze, his fingers tightening on the photo with stress.
— I asked him about it. But it wasn’t about that. He told me he doesn’t hate you about it. But… He told me… that he’s afraid of you.
When Freppa said Määnin doesn’t hate him, Tommy felt a surge of relief, when Freppa said the other thing, it was like Tommy received a punch in his stomach.
— What ?... He really said that ?
— I’m sorry, Tommy… I asked him why, but he wouldn’t tell me why he’s afraid of you.
Tommy hasn’t the words to describe how he feels after Freppa’s explication. He feels empty, like after Freppa’s words, Määnin took his heart through his chest. Even if Tommy tries to contain his tears, he can’t resist and leaves his tears flow, his body trembling with sobs. He doesn’t care if Freppa is in front of him, he doesn’t care if he looks weak because he cries. He doesn’t care because he’s weak.
Freppa’s arms around him, and normally he will say Freppa shouldn’t do that, because they’re men, they shouldn’t do that. But now, he thinks it’s all he needs : just some comfort after he heard the most horrible words in his life.
— It’s okay, Tommy. If you need to talk, don't hesitate, okay ? I’m sure Määnin didn’t want to say that.
Maybe it’s Freppa the only tough guy in Vörjeans.
+1
Tommy thought that he would never come here again. He promised himself to wait for Määnin to return to his flat, or wait for his best friend to ask Freppa to go there. But now he’s in front of the door of Määnin’s flat, the spare key in his hand.
He enters with conviction. During the last days, he thought about all the things he lived with Määnin, all the feelings he had for his best friend. And, because his guilt is huge, he decided to do something for Määnin : clean his flat.
He starts with his room. He knows it’s here he needs to do the most work. He has rubbish bags to put the trash in. He opens the window to let the stale air and smell of cold tobacco escape. He buys new sheets and makes the bed after he puts clothes away. He sweats when he finishes, but Määnin’s room never looks so good before. A sense of pride spreads through his chest.
He continues to clean the rest of the flat, chanting the songs of their band. Tommy isn’t known for enjoying housework, but, because he knows he does it for Määnin , he enjoys it. When the floor is resplendent, he looks at the bucket in the corner of the living room. He needs to fix it, like Määnin said.
Tommy brought a plank and some tools. He places a little chair under the leak and starts to work. He is never a handyman, sometimes he hurts his fingers with the hammer, causing him to moan softly in pain, but he finishes. Of course it’s not perfect, but the principle is that the leak is covered. Määnin would be so proud of him when he returns.
When he slumps down on the sofa, it’s like all the energy leaves his body. He imagines how Määnin will react when he returns to his flat. Will he be grateful to him for it ? Or on the contrary, will be annoyed because Tommy did something Määnin could do ?
All the joy and pride he had left him when he thought that. Because Tommy thought a lot about Määnin, and the conclusion he has is : Määnin hates him because he understood that Tommy has romantic feelings about him.
When Tommy realised it, he wouldn’t believe it. He couldn’t be gay, especially for his best friend. But the more he remembered moments with Määnin, the more it made sense. And he understood why Määnin is afraid of him : because he understood before Tommy, what the feelings he had to him are.
Tommy feels his eyes get wet. How can he live without Määnin ? His life looks less colorful, without all the jokes, the discussions they have habitually. When Freppa had returned with Määnin’s news, he had said with sadness he didn’t talk about Tommy, and Tommy is a touchy subject when they’re met.
He sniffs, removes his cap to look at it. When Määnin noticed his feelings ? When Tommy supported him to have his own flat ? When he came to take care of him when he was sick ? Or in another moment ?
His tears flow when he stares this fucking cap. This cap Määnin gave him when they were teens. He remembers the feeling he had when his friend gave him with a smile : Tommy had felt a surge of pride and acceptance, because it was Määnin Mannerheim, the toughest guy at Vörå and his best friend, who had offered him. Maybe even at that moment, Tommy loved him but wouldn't accept it.
He throws his cap with rage. Fuck off Määnin Mannerheim, the man who breaks him ! Maybe Tommy broke Määnin too, so it’s like revenge, isn’t it ? This cap is the trait to recognize Tommy, but without Määnin, Tommy Tall is nobody. So the cap should disappear.
He doesn’t know how many minutes he stayed here to cry before his phone rings. He takes it and frowns when he sees Freppa’s on. What does he want ? He picks up the phone, his voice broken with tears.
— Tommy, are you okay ? You sound strange, notices Freppa with a concerned voice.
— Shut up Freppa, he swears without maliciousness, running his hand through his hairs. Why are you calling me ?
— I have good news ! shoots his friend with joy. Määnin wants to see you.
Tommy straightens up, couldn't believe he hears that.
— Are you serious ?
— Yes, I am ! He told me he thought about some things, and now he needs to see you. He told me he misses you.
Tommy’s heart beats so fast, a smile appears on his face. He wipes his moist eyes as a joyful laugh escapes his lips.
— Can I come and pick you up ?
— Yes, of course. But I’m in Määnin’s flat.
— Oh, okay. I’m coming ! See you soon !
That is why he likes Freppa : he doesn’t ask about anything that looks strange, he accepts the thing and that's all.
When he hangs up, a feeling of relief washes over his body. Everything returns to normal, everything will be fine.
In the silence of the flat, without the sound of the leak, he picks up his cap to wear it.
It’s time to be here for Määnin now.