Work Text:
March 12, 2015
Dear Dorcas,
God, this is so stupid. My therapist said that I should try writing a letter to you, not that I’ll ever give it to you, but apparently it’s like a good way to, I don’t know, express things or whatever. I don’t really think this will do anything, but what the hell right? Nothing else has worked…
I’ve been trying not to think about you. Trying, keyword. I fail constantly, on a daily basis, possibly hourly. Every time I look at my phone, or my room, or when I open my eyes in the morning, you’re always right there. I know you don’t want to hear from me… I reread our last texts more than I should. I guess any amount is really more than I should, but whatever. And you know I tried calling, that one time. It was a Friday night, I saw you were out with our friends drinking, your phone was in your hand in the picture, a drink in your other but there was no way you missed it accidentally. That’s what I just don’t get.
I don’t get how you can see my name pop up on your screen and not feel the tug, the draw back, because every time I see you, even just your name, that’s what it feels like. It feels like I’m dragged back every time because there’s no other place I want to be. God, fuck. There's no other place I want to be. You’re home. You were my home. And I was yours. And you walked away.
I don’t know what it’s called, the thing inside people that makes it so easy to move on - but why the fuck do you have so much of it and I have none of it. What kind of cosmic bullshit is that? If we were in a book, people would say some shit about how poetic or tragically romantic is was but fuck that. There’s nothing fucking romantic about my chest feeling like it’s ripping apart every time I see something that reminds me of you.
Discipline maybe. I think that’s the word I was looking for earlier. I had to walk away for a while Actually I was just going to rip this up and forget the whole thing, but I came back. Funny, right? How I always come back… You were always more disciplined than I was, able to wait, be patient, not be tempted or fly off the handle, you knew when to speak and when to hold your tongue. You were good at that. I never have been. I’ve always been the kind to ask questions later, to rush head first, to just take the plunge. I always fall first, but at least it’s honest, it’s passionate, it’s… I don’t know, real.
Has anything ever been real for you? Besides me? No matter how cold and calculating you want to appear to be, I know what we had was real. I’ve known since our first date.
Drinks in the city, remember? That tiny little hole in the wall gay bar, I can’t remember the name but Remus swore by it, so that’s the place I suggested. God I was a nervous wreck, I didn’t know if you could tell but I was freaking out the whole time. You were so pretty and cool and smart and you talked exactly like I thought a grad student would, which made me freak out even more, because how do you even try to sound smart to someone like that? But I guess it didn’t matter. We talked until the bar closed, then talked some more. I think I had fallen before the sun rose, before I even knew your birthday. Then our first kiss and…
I remember finally getting home, texting Lily that it was the best first date I’ve ever had, and being hit with a wave of like pure emotion. It was like part of me knew.
I knew that it would tear me apart if something happened because I wouldn’t be able to let you go.
I’ll spend my whole life missing a part of me.
May 9th, 2015
Dear Regulus,
I’m writing this to you, well not really to you because you’ll never read it, but to the idea of you because Marlene said it’s supposed to help your brain process or something like that.
I’ve been trying to find the positives in this situation. Trying to frame this as something other than tragic, you know how my brain works, because our paths will cross again, you know? It’s not like I’m doomed to never see you again. Your brother is my best friend, we’ll always be near each other in some way…
But, I’d never say this to anyone else, but I don’t think that’ll ever be enough for me.
What we had Reg, it was- I don’t have words for how brilliant it was. Something like that, it’s once in a lifetime. And now I’ve had it once. Fuck . But I know you felt it too, it was like electricity, like that guy with the kite and the lightning.
But lightning never strikes the same place twice and I keep wishing on these stupid shooting stars that remind me of you but all they are are burning rocks. Is that all you are too?
No, you were ARE more than that. You always will be. Because you are going to go off and do amazing things Reg. You’re going to be an amazing author and see the world and I know your dreams are going to come true.
I just can’t get over that my dreams won’t. The ones I have of holding you again, loving you again. I wake up and the weight of it all feels almost too much like I’m suffocating or drowning. Are you even thinking of me? Am I worth your thoughts? This is horrible and I feel crazy. There are days I haven’t left the house.
I know! ME! I wish I could tell you that it only took you breaking up with me to get me to spend a whole day in bed. I regret everytime I made you get up instead of laying in my sheets with you. I would kill to have one more minute with you in my arms.
God, Regulus. What have you done to me? And how do I reverse it?
Sirius refuses to tell me how you’re doing, he says I need to quit you cold turkey, but I know how you are. You’re fine without me, you always have been. I wish you could share that with me, your ability to be okay, I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t know how to turn off the way I feel.
You told me about the others, and how you’d move from one person to the next, but you said I was different, you said this was real. Was it real?
When we got drinks in the city on our third date, the little bar that Sirius and Remus are regulars at, I nearly fell off my chair when you walked in. I’ve never been able to figure out how you look so dashing with so little effort, how you get your curls so pretty. I think I fell in love then and there, if I hadn’t already.
You asked if I was ready to celebrate and I nearly choked, I thought I had forgotten your birthday or something, but you just laughed at me, the prettiest sound I’ve ever heard - I know you hate when I say that because it makes you blush but I think you look cute like that so.
Then you spent the rest of the night teasing me, your favorite passtime, about how nervous I was to kiss you on our first date. But like, of course I was, not only was I on a date I had dreamt of for years, I also knew that once I kissed you, I’d be done for. There was no turning back for me after that.
Kissing you sealed the deal that I would live the rest of my life with half my heart outside my chest. I knew I’d never be able to let you go.
August 24th, 2015
“I don’t know why I just wonder if he dreams of me like I dream of him, like they feel so real, more like memories or visions than dreams…”
Marlene stared at James as he sighed and looked back down at his milkshake. This had become their weekly ritual, coming to the old-fashioned diner that stayed open late and put extra salt on the fries, getting food then milkshakes, and venting about their exes.
It felt like the rest of the world had moved on, and their friends were tired of hearing about it, but the two of them understood each other. James and Marlene had a similar strain of heartbreak, and they had each other to help navigate through it.
“I thought you said you wake up crying when that happens?” Marlene asked bluntly.
“Shhh!” James whisper-yelled at her, whipping his head around. The only other person in the diner at 2am was this guy that the waitress called Grant, who never spoke, but ate weirdly cut toast and stared wistfully out the window.
Marlene rolled her eyes, “What? Are you afraid Grant will tell everyone your secret?” James opened his mouth but Marlene cut him off by continuing, “What I meant was, you wondered if he dreams of you, do you want him to wake up crying from dreams of you?”
James knew that Marlene's question was genuine, but it still made guilt knot in his stomach. He sighed. “No… I don’t know. I just, I can’t even get a peaceful night of sleep but what about him? Does he wake up without me and feel the same ache I do? Or is he fine, is he happy without me?”
Marlene looked at her friend, at the pleading look he was giving her, silently asking to give him hope. But she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t lie to him. Just like he couldn’t lie to her. “I don’t know, James. And I don’t know if we ever will.”
They were both silent for a time after that. Quietly drinking their milkshakes, fries left between them growing cold.
Finally Marlene spoke, quieter than before. “Can I tell you something I can’t stop thinking about?”
James nodded.
“She told me she loved me. Just the one time.” Marlene paused, taking a long moment before continuing. “We were at the bar, drinking, dancing, laughing, and not caring what other people thought. We drank way too much and on the way home, we kept stumbling and almost falling over, and then while we were laughing about it, she just, said it.” Marlene stared down at her hands, twisting the one gold ring she wore on hands covered in silver.
James waited a moment, then prompted her to continue, “And you said…”
“Nothing. I said nothing. I thought she was just drunk, but deep down, I also knew that she meant it. I should’ve said it back to her-”
“No Marlene, just because she said it doesn't mean you-” James tried to interrupt.
“No,” Marlene whispered. “No, it would’ve been true. I didn’t say it because I was scared. Scared she didn’t mean it, but also scared to let it happen… But it happened anyway.” Her voice shook slightly. “I’ll never forget that.”
James reached a hand across the table and grabbed Marlenes. She gave him a watery smile in return.
“I just hope her heart is free, even if I’ll spend my whole life missing a part of me.”