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We Ain't Here for No Candy (1964)

Summary:

Halloween 1964, 0001 Cemetery Lane, Ross Township, Allegheny County, PA

Would-be robbers are outnumbered when they visit the Addamses on Halloween night

Work Text:

It’s Halloween night, and a chill wind whips through the gnarled branches of the ancient oaks surrounding the Addams Family mansion. Inside, however, warmth radiates from the crackling fire in the grand hall, casting dancing shadows on the gothic architecture. Eight-year-old Pugsley stands proudly, his rotund frame stuffed into a miniature pinstripe suit, a fedora perched precariously on his head. He clutches a tiny, scuffed briefcase. Beside him, Wednesday, six years old, looks unnervingly composed in a frilly party dress, her dark braids tied with bright ribbons, and oversized, obviously fake spectacles adorning her small nose. The effect is profoundly unsettling.

 

Grandmama Addams cackles, her eyes glinting with unholy delight. "They'll scare the wits out of people!" she declares, a proud smirk twisting her lips.

 

Uncle Fester, ever the pragmatist, nods vigorously, the light reflecting off his bald pate. "Yes," he rasps, his voice like gravel. "When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say, 'Do not be alarmed, we are only little children.'" He grins, a flash of unsettling humor in his eyes.

 

Suddenly, a thunderous knock rattles the heavy front door. Lurch, a towering, somber presence, shuffles toward it, his groans echoing in the vast space. As the door creaks open, two figures loom in the doorway, their faces obscured by the shadows. One, a burly man with a scowl, Claude, holds what appears to be a trick-or-treat bag. The other, slighter but with an air of menace, Marty, raises a dark, metallic object. It’s a gun.

 

Lurch, with the casual grace of a bulldozer, simply extends a massive hand. His fingers close around the gun with an audible crunch, the metal deforming like soft clay. Marty stares, dumbfounded, as Lurch lets out a low, satisfied groan, dropping the crumpled weapon.

 

Gomez, ever the enthusiastic host, sweeps forward, his eyes alight with genuine pleasure. "Ah, trick-or-treaters!" he exclaims, oblivious to the obvious threat.

 

Morticia, her ethereal beauty enhanced by the flickering firelight, glides to his side, a serene smile gracing her lips. Even Thing, perched on Gomez's shoulder, wiggles its fingers in what can only be described as a welcoming gesture.

 

"Come in, come in!" Gomez insists, ushering the two stunned men inside. "Don't just stand there! It's Halloween, a night for joyful terror and macabre merriment!"

 

Claude and Marty, clearly disoriented, stumble into the foyer. They exchange bewildered glances, their plan, whatever it was, clearly derailed by the sheer, unsettling normalcy of the Addams’ reaction. They are not met with fear, but with exuberant hospitality. The aroma of Grandmama’s infamous concoctions hangs heavy in the air. Something that smells vaguely of sulfur and burnt sugar. The house hums with a strange, unsettling energy, a perfect symphony of the bizarre. Gomez ushers the “trick-or-treaters” toward a long, laden table. Dishes filled with unidentifiable, pulsating delicacies beckon.

 

“Do try the eye of newt soufflé!” Morticia coos, gesturing gracefully. “It’s Grandmama’s specialty.”

 

Claude, his face a mask of confusion, tries to regain control of the situation. He reaches into his coat, his hand emerging with a glint of steel. He pulls a knife, long and wickedly sharp, its blade reflecting the firelight. He points it at the children, his voice a low growl, an attempt at intimidation.

 

"Listen, you freaks! We ain't here for no candy!"

 

Silence descends, thick and heavy, but not with fear. It’s a silence of intrigued observation. Pugsley, instead of flinching, squints at the knife, a calculating look in his eyes. Then, Wednesday steps forward, her tiny frame radiating an aura of chilling curiosity. Her dark eyes, usually so impassive, gleam with a predatory interest. She tilts her head, those fake spectacles perched on her nose. A slow, chilling smile spreads across her face, a smile that promises delightful horrors.

 

"Nice knife," Wednesday says, her voice a low, almost melodic hum. "Can I play autopsy with it?"

 

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