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shiraistars 8:15 PM
kohane can u come over :(
kohamster 8:15 PM
ofc i can!! are u okay anchan..?
i'll be omw there, i just need to ask my parents
shiraistars 8:16 PM
im okay just um.. wanting ur company
if ur alr with that
(and also cus i cant sleep 💔 )
kohamster 8:16 PM
do u want a sleepover? id be fine w/ that ^^
my parents gave me an ok btw..!!
shiraistars 8:16 PM
rlly? i mean if ur up for it id love to
kohamster 8:17 PM
ofc i am silly 🫶🏻 im omw to ur place now, okay?
shiraistars 8:17 PM
mhm 💗 i love u
kohamster 8:18 PM
i love u more anchan 💕
+1 💗 from @shiraistars
click — an's phone shuts off. she doesn't want to admit it, she just doesn't want to be alone as of right now. it's not a big issue to her, after all, shes been alone nearly all her life.
even though an had always been surrounded by many others such as: classmates, customers, the people around vivid street who she loved so dearly, she'd always been alone. there wasn't anyone who was particularly as close to her as the word close meant. that was, until the day kohane had uplifted her skies. all of the clouds covering, shadowing an's brightness cleared away when kohane soared right through them.
she was gazed at, spoken of, and admired – but she was never seen, spoken to, and adored. the kids around her wouldn't recognize her as an, no, she was simply seen of as a shadow of ken. it felt like all she was doing was chasing the shadow of a ghost; improvement was there, efforts were constantly made, when really, an was seeking after a phantom.
nobody was willing to break it to her though, as stars are meant to shine and burn within their own time. stars aren't meant to be broken by other interference, right? it'll just take time.
...and speaking of time, the clock's hand had already passed again and again for the past 5 minutes.
an's loneliness never got to her this badly, and usually she would just try to brush it aside or put her mind to something else, but what could she do in this situation? it'd be okay if she just swallowed it down her throat again and silenced her reoccurring doubts about it, wouldn't it? at least that's what she wished.
if by the time kohane arrives at her place only to meet an who's close to breaking down, what would she think of her? she's supposed to be somebody that kohane could rely on– so why is she being so pathetic right now? questions left with answers to no avail kept repeating in her head, so much so that it drowned out the knocks at her door.
"ah man..." she lets out a sigh to herself, her breath hitches and her voice is awfully shaky, "i... really shouldn't have asked her to come. i don't want her to see this side of me, it's so lame isn't i—"
"an-chan? are you okay in there...?" kohane's soft voice calls out to her. her eyes finally stop spacing out and focusing on the ceiling. and she's back into reality again.
the raven-haired girl walks to the door, slowly opening it while it creaks and shes able to catch a glimpse of the blonde, "...kohane? woah, how long have you been waiting out there? come in!" there it is again, her usual energetic attitude.
it'd be okay for her to act in complete contrast to the emotion she was leaning towards in her messages. there's really no way she could tell kohane how she'd been feeling lately, it's just too pathetic.
"come here, sit on my bed with me," she cheerfully chirped. if it wasn't any more obvious, her voice was faltering which basically gave away her whole act.
kohane observed the girl in front of her, listening to her closely as she spoke. something wasn't the same, it struck her the moment she stepped foot into her world.
there was an awkward bit of silence in-between them, such subtle distance that it hurt. it felt like itd forever maim her. haunt her mind too even.
the shorter girl scooted closer to an, "...earlier i um, i heard you mumbling something to yourself."
oh.
oh.
fuck, an's heart raced in the back of her mind.
"an-chan... you, you never answered my question as well. the question from earlier."
please don't hate me.
the more that kohane said her name, the more guilt would pierce through her heart. god, why did she invite her over so impulsively? to think if she didn't have, everything wouldn't have turned out like this—
a set of warm hands softly cupped her cheeks.
"an-chan." kohane said, her voice firm. she wanted her to listen this time.
it broke an's sense of overthinking, she'd finally gotten the message, "s-sorry, yeah? is something bothering you kohane?"
she could see her reflection. in kohane's eyes, she saw her reflection. an saw the softness in her eyes, saw the gentle look on her face.
"there is. the way how you're acting right now is bothering me... i'm worried, an-chan." she manages to say without any hesitance. being able to hold eye contact with an was seriously difficult. it was even more challenging to get out words while looking into her eyes at the same time. yet, when it comes to moments like these, kohane doesn't want to waste any time: not even a slight second.
an's lips move on their own, "ah... really? haha–am i acting off or anything...?" kohane can read her better than how her mind reads herself. "n-no, but genuinely, am i doing something wrong?"
kohane tries to look deeper into an's eyes, she wants to dive deeper into her lenses; wants to see what it's like to be in her world. but how can she focus on anything else for that matter when an's eyes are wearing this sad fucking look? her eyes seem so tired, it's to the point where she can't tell if their shine is fake.
"you're not being honest with me, are you...?" her hands seem to have loosen their grip on an's cheeks.
an's amber eyes as golden as sunlight glance everywhere else besides the girl in front of her. "uhm—" her mouth goes dry. all of the words waiting to be spilled out of her suddenly vanish. "no... i'm, yeah. i'm not. i'm sorry."
i'm sorry. sorry was the only word she could think of. i'm sorry kohane, sorry that you have to see such an ugly sight in front of you. sorry that you love someone – something, as low as me.
she wants to slap herself right now just so it'd feel like she was dreaming. she keeps her eyes shut, if she already spoke evil, heard evil, why not just see no evil? it's not like it would've changed anything either way.
"don't be."
"...w-what?"
"don't be sorry." kohane's patience remains as still as always. "an-chan, please... look at me."
it's not easy to. not easy to with this overwhelming pang of guilt that lingers within me everytime i see your eyes looking at me.
kohane rarely believes in shooting stars, in the coins she tosses in fountains, the candles she'd blow out for her birthday, dandelion seeds flowing in the wind; she rarely wishes. she doesn't want to wish for more, because her wish had already been granted from the start.
"...okay," and her wish was right in front of her. she's always been in front of her, it just doesn't feel that way for an. to always see herself as the shadow of someone else when in reality she's what brings kohane to light, kohane's heart really, really aches for her.
"okay. will you answer me if i ask?" she says softly, her voice dripping like honey. it's soothing. it reassures an there's no bitterness or hostility in this moment shared between the two of them.
an's calm surface nearly cracks. "i can try."
"are you okay?" one of her hands gently grasp a hold of an's hand, the other stays on her cheek.
"i... i really don't-" her voice grows quieter throughout her sentence, "i really don't know. and it's, it's pathetic of me to let my guard down around you like this." she's on the brink of tears, and if only kohane wasn't such a sweetheart then she wouldn't have to feel as disgusting.
she feels a hand squeeze her own, and she realizes it's kohane who's letting her understand she's here to keep company.
"kohane... i just don't understand– why everybody had to lie to me, had to hide the truth from me, why nobody stays with me in the end-" tears well up in the corners of her eyes, rolling down her cheeks as kohane tenderly wipes every one of them away. "nobody kept their promise to me, not even..." she sniffles. her lips quiver, "not even nagi-san, and i was hoping that- that when she'd come back, she'd finally have time for us to shine on stage together."
it's only then that kohane could only wrap her arms around an. "an-chan... i'm so sorry." she pulls her into a tight embrace, gently rubbing her back, "i know she meant more than words could ever express to you. and the pain stings more than any wound could bring."
an's tears dampen kohane's shirt, but that didn't matter to her. it was a mark of her raw emotions, she wouldn't erase her vulnerability for anything.
"it just isn't fair– why...? why everything had to have happened, why i'm so weak that i still can't accept she's gone." her hands cling onto the blonde's back, her fingers are desperately tugging on her jacket to find some sense of comfort. everything reminded her of nagi-san, fuck, even comfort reminded an of nagi. there really was no way for her to accept it; it'd just haunt her. maybe that's why she's so terrified of ghosts, the childhood memory of nagi-san coming to haunt her mind and the present memory of her passing continuing to weigh on.
"you're not weak an-chan... i've never once found you weak, and—"
she chokes out in between sobs, "that's not true!kohane, i'm so fucking weak- have you even noticed the way how... how i'm crying in your arms right now? if- if nagi saw me like this, what would she even..." she's unable to finish her overthinking before kohane presses loving kisses against her tears.
"there, there," she coos, planting one last kiss on her cheek rather than where she'd want it most, "she wouldn't think of you any differently an-chan. just like how i'm not. do you understand?"
she nods her head with hesitation.
"i'm really proud of you for letting me hold you bare like this. i'm glad everything you've been telling me is unfiltered and straight from your emotions you've suppressed so much," her eyes soften and shift their focus on an as if she's the most precious being in the world. "you're still you, still the same an-chan i'll always love and want." an's confident by now that the same spots kohane's kissed have been stained by her tears again. "you're the strongest girl i know, why would that change now?"
"because- because i'm not... deserving to be your partner..." the starry girl's voice cracks.
if there were a day kohane's heart shattered, this would have to be it. the day that even the skies cried for her, it'd be today, this very night.
"...you have every right to be my partner. everything. and it hurts even more that you won't let yourself accept that." she cried.
the two girls held each other in the intimacy that cloaked them. this was their little space. a space that let an's tears flow freely onto the clothes of her partner: one that she didn't deserve. one she will never deserve. and a space for kohane to be hidden under the stars that will slowly shed their deepest layers, revealing their vulnerability as they burn out.
"you deserve me," kohane says in the silence that spoke volumes, "you accept the love you think you deserve. that's – that's why you can't accept me."
she finally lifts her head off of kohane's shoulder to look at her, "accept the love i think i deserve?"
"you won't let yourself rest because of your fear that you won't be good enough for me. when that's the complete opposite..." kohane's hands hold an's face once again, "you're what gives me a meaning, what the definition of love is."
an's hands overlap kohane's, bringing them closer to her, "it's, really difficult to believe your words... but i know you're genuine."
for once in that night the corners of kohane's lips softened, her smile as pure as ever.
"that's a relief. i'm very proud of you, you know?"
an's tears finally stopped pouring, and it felt like the clouds had held up the cries of eternal rainfall. "you... you are?"
one kiss on her forehead, "of course."
"do you mean it?" she shyly asks, her tone as soft as kohane's ever heard.
one kiss on her nose, "more than anything."
an stares into kohane's pretty eyes, full of gentle warmth that shone brighter than ever in the sun. and to her, kohane had shone brighter than before, basking in the soft lighting of her room. patiently waiting in front of her if there were an action to be done. "i love you, so, so much..." she says, leaning in and closing the inches of space separating her lips from the girl in front of her.
"i love you so much more, an-chan," the blonde lovingly returns as she reciprocates one last kiss on her lips.