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The shuttle ride in is quiet, serene even. The only sound she can hear is the beating of her own heart, her breathing as she fights to keep it steady. She feels nothing and everything all at once, exuding a steely calmness but splintering into a million pieces. On the edge and already over it. She squeezes her eyes shut, wills herself to go numb. It's the only way she'll be able to do this.
The brush of a hand against hers draws her out of herself, makes her realize she is balling her hands into fists so hard she's broken the skin. She looks up into familiar brown eyes and finds so much warmth, so much concern in them she might shatter.
"Shepard?" She closes her eyes again as he opens her fists and twines their fingers together. "You don't have to do this."
She breathes in and out, deliberately making her breaths even lest she start panicking. She draws her hands back. "I have to," she whispers, barely able to make the words come out. "I owe them that. I... I need to do this, Kaidan."
He sits back, not taking his eyes off her, not even for a moment. He's never seen her so vulnerable, so small. Not the charismatic Commander who could make anyone follow her into hell. This woman is different, and he wishes he could understand what she's gone through.
"We're landing in five." The voice of the shuttle pilot is jarringly loud and Shepard opens her eyes, looking as if she would call the whole thing off if she could find her voice. Kaidan sees how little sleep she's gotten; it's in her bloodshot eyes, the dark shadows in her face, the way her hands shake. She's completely unaware of just how badly she's shaking and he again reaches across the isle to take her hands in his own. Her shaking stops and when she looks up into his face, he swears there's a ghost of a smile there, a lift of the corners of her mouth.
Suddenly the shuttle is dropping, losing altitude and he can see Shepard - cool, calm, level-headed Shepard - losing her composure, fraying around the edges. He squeezes her hands, keeping the pressure there until the shuttle settles and the engines wind down, until they're left in silence again. She takes more deliberate deep breaths to calm herself, feeling panic begin to choke her until she can't feel anything else and she begins to cry. She never cries in front of anyone, never lets herself be so open and raw. Part of her hates herself for it, especially in front of Kaidan, her right hand, the one who always has her six. He must be disgusted by her display and the thought only makes her cry harder.
It surprises both of them when he pulls her to her feet and into an embrace, after everything that's happened, after Horizon. She freezes for a moment before he says, "it's okay, Shepard," and she's gone, crying harder than she can ever remember crying and he just holds her, stroking her hair, whispering words in her ear she can't quite catch. When she quiets, he keeps her pressed against him, fearing she might fall apart if he lets her go. It pains him to see her like this.
Eventually she pulls away, head down as he reaches up and brushes her tears from her face. She keeps one of her hands in his, squeezing so tight she's hurting him but he doesn't mind, doesn't say anything. If she needs him to be her anchor, he'll do it, will do anything to see her become Shepard again.
They step from the shuttle, disturbing the fallen snow with their heavy boots. Alchera, ice world, final resting place of the Normandy SR1, almost the final resting place of Commander Jane Shepard. She shivers, partially from the cold and partly from the memories now plaguing her. She remembers dying, remembers her oxygen lines snapping, remembers her struggle to breathe, the burning in her chest and her throat and oh, God, the pain in her head as she spiralled through Alchera's atmosphere. She remembers her vision dimming at the edges, and her lasts thoughts were of Kaidan, beautiful, sweet Kaidan and how she'd never see his face again.
But he's here now and she's here now, one way or another they've found each other, found their way here. She turns to face him, can't even look anywhere else, at anything else, and her breath fogs her visor as she tries to catch his eye. She can't really make out his face through the helmet but it will have to do. "Kaidan... I... I remember everything."
He's quiet for a long time and she can't tell if he's even looking at her. Her heart is pounding furiously, out of her chest, out of her armor and she swears he can hear it, swears it echoes over the entire planet. He grabs her other hand and pulls her towards him. They stand facing each other, almost but not quite touching, Kaidan still silent.
"I know," he says softly, and she nearly misses his words over the beating of her heart. "I know and it kills me because you shouldn't have to. It never should have happened, not to you." She finally finds his eyes through the visors and they're focused on her, have always been on her, have always been watching and noticing and filing information away for later.
"We have to find those tags," she says, more calmly than she thought possible. "I can't... I won't let their families suffer."
"I know," he says again. He begins to walk, leading her by the hand, towards a distant glint in the snow. The frozen ground crunches under their feet and she starts her deep breathing exercises again because it hurts to know that people died in this cold wasteland. She died in this cold... no, she can't think about that.
Kaidan reaches down and pulls a set of dog tags from the snow. They swing on their chain, glittering in the light from the sun. She catches the tags in her fingers, squinting in the light to read the name.
Ashley Williams.
She drops the tags and grabs Kaidan's arm instead, not trusting her feet to keep her upright. "Ash..." she chokes, her voice breaking in a low sob. Kaidan puts his arm around her shoulders, bearing most of her weight as she breaks again.
"Shepard, we can go back. Let someone else do this."
"No!" She's practically screaming now as she wrenches herself away from him. "No, I won't do that! I can't do that. You know that. Better than anyone." She grabs Ashley's tags from him, stuffing them into an ammo pouch on her armor. She turns away from him for a moment and he sees her back straighten, her shoulders push back, her head held high. He doesn't need to see her face to know she's slipped on her Commander Shepard mask, the one that doesn't let her feel or think, the one that lets her keep going until the job is done and she's alone in her cabin at night. He sees it too often and though he hates to see her so small and fragile, he hates the mask even more.
When she turns, it's like she sees right through him, like he's not even there. "We have a job to do," she says, and her voice is like ice, distant and cold. He flinches but she doesn't notice, instead turning to survey the crash site. They begin to move methodically through the wreckage, collecting tags, marking undamaged crates of eezo for pickup, making notes of reusable salvage. If the sight of her ship, wrecked but still largely intact, bothers her, she doesn't show it.
Shepard doesn't speak as she takes it all in. The Mako, her faithful rover, completely intact and, she's positive, still in working order. The CIC, where she held her first command position, gave her first orders and, most importantly, where she tracked down Saren. She finds the cockpit and as she bends to retrieve another set of tags she can almost hear Joker making another wisecrack at her expense.
She pauses near the skeleton of the shuttle bay, unable to move for a few moments. A dull glint near the ruins of the elevator gives away the location of another set of tags but she can't make herself move. She spies Ashley's weapon bench in the wreckage and her mask slips briefly, spurs her into action and she's running away from the shuttle bay, from the memories of her best friend.
Kaidan finds her near the Normandy's hull. Her mask is back and she says nothing as he steps up beside her. "I think we've found them all, Shep- Commander." She nods. "I think we should have the monument put here." She nods again. They both stare at the hull for a long moment. The ship's name is still clearly visible on the weather-beaten metal. If not for that, a stranger would never know what ship crashed on Alchera. He takes a deep breath and says a silent prayer for Ashley and all the other crew they lost that day, despite their best efforts to save everyone. Though he'll never tell her, he also says a silent prayer for Shepard, who they lost that day and for two years after that. Shepard, the woman he loves and who had loved him in return. Shepard, their fearless commander, fierce leader, the only person brave and crazy enough to stand at the gates of hell and taunt Satan himself.
As he turns to go back to the waiting shuttle, he feels pressure at his wrist as Shepard grabs for him. "Wait," she says, so quiet even in all the silence around them. "I just... I wanted to thank you, Kaidan. For being here."
He just nods, not trusting himself to speak, fighting the urge to sweep her into his arms. Things just haven't been the same since Cerberus, since Horizon, since she died. In silence, he goes back to the shuttle.
When she enters a little while later, she looks like the Commander again, larger than life, unbreakable. She doesn't look at him as she gives the order for take off. But he knows it's just her commander mask for when she sits, she squeezes his fingers briefly. He knows and he waits for his love to come back to him.