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Gabe Saporta is a lot of things, even if he refuses to admit most of them. He’s loud, and not just in a vocal way, no, although there’s definitely that. Loud is a core part of exactly who he is – it may be in his voice, and it always has been, but it’s in his clothes and his words and his drinks and his personality and his affection. It’s in the neon and stripes, the guttural lyrics, the sharp burn of vodka in whatever glass he’s holding, in the way everyone can feel when he’s entered a room, in the way that if he loves something, he makes sure the whole world knows. But sometimes, he’s quiet, and it’s rare, but it’s cherished, and not just because there’s no loud voice in your ear. Quiet is another side of who he can be if he chooses – it may be in his gentle whispers, and it always has been, but it’s also in the baggy hoodie he wears when he’s missing home, the scrawled notebook lyrics that never make it to the record, the soft smile on his face when he’s drunk most of Carden’s liquor again, in the way that occasionally everyone wants to feel close to him, in the way that if he loves something he wants to keep it belonging to him for as long as he can.
Travelling is a large part of who he is, who he’s growing to be, and sometimes that’s a good thing, and sometimes that’s not. It’s part of him in the way that he doesn't ever want to stay still, in the way that he’s always itching to explore somewhere new, in the way that he loves every single fucking second of experiencing somewhere he’s never been before with people he knows or perhaps doesn't even know. It’s not part of him in the way that he doesn't want to drag himself out of bed and say goodbye to catch his cramped three am flight to fuck knows where, in the the way that he’s moving around so much that nothing feels permanent anymore, in the way that he’s meeting so many new people that he doesn't get to meet the old people that mean the most to him.
The problem with all of this is that William isn't sure how to deal with it. The negative in the travel situation is that even if he wants nothing more than to just stay one night, Gabe has to leave, to sleep on a plane that doesn't have enough space for his legs anyway. The positive in the travel situation is that even though Gabe can’t always be there when William wants him, he’s never, ever not there when William needs him, even if William doesn't know it. Even if they aren't speaking. Even if, last time he checked, Gabe was in fucking Ireland or some ass-cold place. He makes sure he’s there soon enough.
That, however, is the last thing on Gabe’s mind when he shoves William behind the buses to have a famous whisper-shout argument. Gabe being Gabe and William being William, however, it only takes a few minutes before that dissolves and escalates into a screaming match. It doesn't matter who overhears, because they don’t matter anyway, not in this context. Why they’re actually fighting, Gabe’s not sure, but both of them need a release for the pent up stress and just eventually pure fury that everyone gets from touring. It’s not Gabe’s fault, but it is, and it’s not, and it is, and then Jack the camera guy sticks his head around the corner and tells them that if they’re fighting, good for them, but they’re fighting somewhere else because he’s recording here. Once he tugs William on the bus to continue raising the volume of the voice he doesn't want to be using, William lashes out again, something that Gabe doesn't want to hear because he knows it’s something entirely wrong on his part.
Siska pads out from bunk alley, glaring with fear behind his eyes and tells them whatever they’re fighting over is ridiculous. Once they’ve both screamed various explicit versions of fuck off to him, he sulks away again, but off the bus, because it’s not worth even trying to sleep when there’s World War 3 going on by the couch. William again brings up that thing Gabe does wrong and refuses to face, so Gabe lashes out with a comment about his family, and that’s it. Now it’s just a match of who can hurt the other more, like most of their fights turn out. Somehow, it hasn't gotten old, because they’re both lyricists who find new ways to twist the words to hurt their other the most, no matter how much they hate doing it later. Gabe wins, in the end, but it’s a sour victory that neither of them wants, because it ends up with William locking Gabe out of the bus and crying in the bunk until their set is on. He then ignores all of Gabe’s 14 futile attempts to apologise and doesn't even make eye contact with him until Gabe watches him stare out of the window as TAI’s bus pulls out of view. Immediately, he calls Carden, because the dude’s not here to mess around, and knows William like the back of his hand.
Gabe’s prepared for the death threats and vocal scowls he gets to start with, because that’s what Carden does when someone upsets William. Even though they get at each other’s throats sometimes like Gabe’s never seen before, Carden’s still William’s older brother and prepared to fuck up whoever made him cry. Once Carden’s done threatening to burn him alive in his own bunk, he shuts up and listens to how much Gabe regrets everything he’s said. And it’s quite a lot of fucking regret, honestly, because Gabe fucking hates hurting William, no matter how much adrenaline shoots through him in the moment. This time it’s different, Carden tells him, because William won’t let anyone but Siska in his bunk, and when Siska comes back out, he’s being an ass and not talking about William. Gabe can hear Carden badgering him for information in the background, but eventually there’s a dull thud and a door slam in the opposite order that Carden later tells him is Siska giving up to go and sit with the driver and Carden himself throwing a pillow at the door the kid slammed behind him. Gabe thanks him for the pillow throwing effort and bids him goodbye, because all he’s getting out of the call now is the Butcher stealing the phone and crunching chips really loudly into the speaker.
Sadly, the grand total of 27 voicemails he leaves William seem to have no effect whatsoever, and neither do the 9 voicemails he leaves Siska telling him to tell William to pick up his motherfucking phone. Futile. He finishes off the rest of the Absolut he stole from Armour For Sleep a few days ago and makes Nate listen to whatever the fuck he’s saying. Nate, to his gratitude, actually makes it look like he’s listening, and only interrupts once to go and get some of Lipsky’s tequila to make listening to Gabe’s heartache bullshit a little easier. Victoria joins in a half hour later, already drunk from something Alex and Ryland spent a good twenty minutes concocting in the makeshift kitchen. Gabe’s not sure what it is, but somehow there’s enough sweetness in there to almost completely chase away the hideous scalding that should usually come with that much hard alcohol.
Somewhere around halfway through the mega jug, Alex slurs out that Ryland might have put some of Gabe’s ground up anxiety pills in there, but everyone’s basically spread out over the room, so nobody really cares. One of the roadies comes in just as Nate suggests they go streaking by the side of the road. She takes a good long look at them, then at the near-empty mixer jug, then back at them before picking up the jug and sniffing it. She tells them that she can practically smell the Xanax and that they’re all going to end up killing themselves before drinking the last few mouthfuls herself and tossing it in the sink. Gabe tumbles down into sleep with his head on Alex’s lap and Nate face down on his stomach.
It’s about quarter past two in the morning when he wakes up again, Ryland already stumbling towards the driver because there’s a gas station in the next thirty seconds and they all want to throw up. Thankfully, Gabe’s one of those assholes who spends ten minutes puking then feels absolutely fine (Alex is also one of those assholes,) so he and Alex link arms and skip around the store whilst the clerk and their bandmates stare daggers at them. Gabe relaxes against the building when Nate’s the only one still hurling, watching the cars zip by and thinking about calling William again before he remembers his phone is dead and then sighing and relaxing against Victoria, who has her head buried in her knees. Gabe’s only been hungover once, and it was that time he almost died drinking half a bottle of Absinthe.
It’s relatively peaceful and warm for nearly two thirty in the morning, with the nearby hum of occasional traffic and Nate throwing up around the corner. Lipsky and the sound guy (Gabe forgets his name on a daily basis and constantly feels guilty for it) jog over, both of them on the phone and looking concerned. Lipsky says into his phone that oh shit, okay, um, he’ll call the venue, and here’s Gabe and then Gabe is handed the phone. It’s Tony, which is weird, but then it’s serious, because Tony’s telling him that there’s been an accident with the trailer and the TAI bus was almost flipped and the trailer was torn to pieces on the highway along with half of the equipment. Everyone’s okay, nobody was hurt, but everyone’s shaken, and there are police and stuff arriving and Gabe’s shoved the phone into Victoria’s hand and shouted bus call as loud as possible. Thankfully, Lipsky understands, because he’s a fucking good tour manager, Dan fucking Lipsky, and Nate’s finally stopped puking so they all get back on. Gabe sits upfront with the driver, which never happens but is happening because he has to know that William’s okay, it doesn't matter what Tony says.
William could have died, and the last thing Gabe had said to him before hand was so disgustingly painful that he never wants to repeat it. This is why Gabe doesn't like fighting, no matter what he says during the fight.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he hears Victoria telling the guys what’s happened, that nobody’s hurt but that it was far too close for anyone to not feel shaken. He doesn't want to be hearing this, because it was too close for him to feel relieved about. There are flashing red and blue lights illuminating the highway, blocking off their path to get any closer and leading the driver on to say something about equipment debris and how they’ll have to stop here and walk if they want a closer look. At least, that might have been what he said, because Gabe was out of the door before he’d even finished speaking.
There’s a man in a reflective jacket shouting for the driver, and then there’s Roger jogging over to him with shaky hands and a pale face and explaining how fast he had to swerve. If he had attempted getting out of the way any later than that, the bus would have most likely overturned, the reflective jacket man says. Then there’s Chislett on the other side of the bus with a handful of techs that all flash Gabe a wired smile when he shoots over there. Chiz doesn't say anything, just gives Gabe a brief hug and holds up what takes Gabe a minute to recognise as the neck of a bass. He’s never been anywhere close knowing half the stuff William or Carden do about guitars, but he knows this one is a Rickenbacker – a hard-to-wear-out expensive one, and he also knows that the wood is splintered and fucking bent from hitting the highway rails so hard. A few feet past that, James, Carden and a couple of police officers are tugging at something black that seems to be attached to the highway rail. Once it’s off and lain on the tarmac, Gabe realises with a jolt in his stomach that it’s the fucking twenty kilo solid trailer door that’s been warped and twisted around the railing. Carden doesn't object when Gabe shoots over and grabs onto him for a few seconds, just squeezes him back and tells him where William is.
Siska is perched on what looks like a massive speaker, knees up to his chest and one of Carden’s old hoodies looming over his skinny frame. At first, there’s no reaction when Gabe pulls him up into a standing position to cling onto him and apologise for shouting earlier, but then the kid buries his face in the taller man’s shoulder for a seconds before telling him how scared he was, how scared he still is. That’s something about Siska that makes him the glue of TAI. He’s brutally honest – not just about secrets people have pressured him to keep, but about himself, and it might be part of the reason Tom left, but it’s most of the reason that everyone else stayed.
Siska actually saw the trailer, and that’s his excuse for looking so fucking shaken, because one minute the highway was close to empty and the next there was this massive trailer hurtling towards them, fucking flipping and sparking and honestly, he thought he was going to die. He thought he was going to die, and the main reason that scared him was because he hadn't had a good bowl of Applejacks that week. The one bowl he’d had time for, Carden had strangled him over, and that was the end of the box. Gabe laughs at this, mainly so Siska will laugh, because the kid was practically trembling when Gabe walked over. The Butcher walks over with what might be half of a sound deck and places it down before nodding at Gabe and tugging Siska close. It’s friendly in the way that Ashlee thought they were dating. Before he looks up again, he hears someone in the background talking about AFS themselves, and this is when he realises he actually hasn't seen anyone from their bus outside. They slept through the entire thing, the Butcher says gently, and nobody wants to wake them up just to tell them they’ve lost thousands of dollars of equipment, some of it completely irreplaceable.
Something in the back of his mind rushes to the front, because he can see William standing by the bus with some roadies and a few more police officers, staring at his feet and not opening his mouth at all in response to their questions. He’s wearing the white hoodie from earlier, but the hood’s securely over with his hair tucked in, and he’s wearing one of Gabe’s jackets over the top. It looks weird, but it’s fucking cold outside, and Gabe thinks the parka he’s wearing is either Nate’s or Vicky’s.
When he ploughs into William (hard enough for him to stagger a few steps, but not hard enough to knock him over,) the knot in his chest that’s been there since bus call this afternoon unties a little because William’s already clinging back onto him, burying his face into Gabe’s shoulder and breathing him in. He whispers that if William had died, he never would have forgiven himself, just quiet enough so that nobody else hears. He’s squeezing the younger boy so tight that he might break if Gabe doesn't break down first. At the end of the day, this is all he really needs – he doesn't need the image or the alcohol or the travelling, he needs William, probably a lot more than William needs him, which is scary, but he’s coping. Barely, but enough. Enough that the painful knot in his chest completely disappears when William tells him really, it’s okay, he’s sorry too, and neither of them meant any of it. Gabe’s not even kissing him, and isn't planning on it, which is what makes it such a big deal. They fight brutally and go sometimes days on end without so much as looking at each other, then they have makeup sex and carry on with life without actually apologising or admitting they’ve done wrong. Now, Gabe realises, both of them holding onto each other like this is the last time they’ll meet, that was never a good way to fix things, because it wasn't fixing them at all, just pushing them away. Now, Gabe realises, both of them murmuring apologies into the other’s ear and blissfully ignoring everyone around them, something is different. It’s a good different, he thinks. A step forward in whatever the hell this is.
Time passes, as it always has, but Gabe never feels compelled to let go of William. Soon enough, the police resume their conversations, and then all of the surviving equipment has been located and momentarily stored on the bus, and then the roadblocks are gone and he has to let go because everyone else is leaving. It’s quiet, and Gabe wants to attach himself onto William so that he can’t ever leave, not ever. Despite the fact that this was a freak accident and pretty much will never happen again, William begrudgingly tells him, he’s scared and he doesn't want to go back onto his bus and talk about how they all just nearly died. Gabe just takes his hand, intertwines their fingers and squeezes gently, leading William back onto his own bus and straight to his bunk without another word.
By the time the bus has set off again to fuck knows where, Gabe’s half asleep, breathing in William’s papaya shampoo and natural body scent, masking all of his doubts with the cotton of his sheets as he wiggles even closer to the younger boy. The puffs of breath on his collarbone are warm and steady enough that it’s safe to assume that William has fallen asleep. They slot together in a messy way, but it works, with one of his legs hooked over Gabe’s hip and his hands in loose fists at Gabe’s chest. “I love you,” he says aloud, and it’s insignificant even though they’ve never said it, because Gabe’s said it countless times in situations when William can’t hear him. Hell, he’s been saying it since they first met, just at all the wrong times. There’s the comfortable distant hum of the bus engine, accompanied by the muffled voices of Carden and Siska playing Halo in the lounge. It’s as perfect as it can get with Gabe being too afraid of rejection to say it to William’s face. “I love you,” he says again, twisting his head to look up at the unclear scribbles and paint on the roof of his bunk. It’s too dark to make anything out properly, but he knows there’s a polaroid that the Butcher took of him and William lying on the grass and talking about the clouds taped up in the centre. It’s possibly the most valuable possession in his bunk. “I love you,” he says yet again, for good measure, because he has to let out the pent up feelings that are slowly spiralling out of control somehow.
Commitment hasn't ever been his thing, and it’s the same for William, but he knows they’ve both unintentionally not been with anyone else since they got together. It still scares him, though, because he doesn't do relationships that mean things to him, yet somehow this is making him want to crawl inside William and never leave. “I love you and I'm scared you’ll never say it back.” He whispers this, but only because it’s something he doesn't want to hear. One of the scariest things is that he’s stopped having to rely on his meds so much – it’s hard to be down when he’s so distracted, eyes on William’s every move. Now he’s just waiting for William to leave and his life to spiral out of control. Somehow, he’s ended up desperately, painfully, slit-his-own-throat in love with William, and now all he can do is wait for William to get bored with him and leave. “I love you,” he whispers one more time, closing his eyes and breathing out the tension in his head.
“I love you too,” William says back. “I love you even more.”