Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Why do you wanna impress Markus so bad?" Hank asked casually as he leaned against the hallway wall.

Connor paused in the middle of hanging up his coat. "What?"

"You heard me."

One of the core features of Connor's design was his ability to lie and manipulate others by acting in certain ways, so he didn't expect to be so easy to read. "What makes you think I'm trying to impress him?"

"Oh, ah, jeez, I don't know, maybe that I'd think you're dressed for church if I didn't already know you were just visiting him? Or that cologne you only wear around him?"

Ah. Turns out he wasn't terribly subtle.

"'Dressed for church' is an exaggeration." He muttered defensively before shifting his focus to a reasonable explanation. "Markus is the Deviant Leader, if you'll recall. I think it's natural to want to make a good impression on someone so formidable."

That was the conclusion Connor came to when he'd asked himself the same question. After all, what wasn't there to admire about Markus? He was impossibly indomitable, but so gracious, too. He'd been toughened by the hardships he'd experienced, but as peace continued to settle across Detroit, Connor got to see the lighthearted, even cheeky side of him once tucked beneath his stoic exterior. That felt like the highest privilege there was.

It was almost overwhelming, how quickly his adoration for the Deviant Leader was growing. Excitement buzzed through him with every little tender moment they shared, and he found himself craving the chance to become closer to Markus, even daydreaming about it when he really shouldn't have been getting distracted.

And of course, it made sense to notice that he was aesthetically appealing, objectively... but Connor had gotten lost in those softly pale, mismatched eyes more times than he'd like to admit. 

He had always felt things, in a way, but deviancy just made those feelings louder. Clearer. And this infatuation with Markus was starting to feel too intense for him to keep up with.

"Yeah, but aren't you two friends? You already made a good impression; You aided his rebellion for chrissake. Besides, you weren't always so..." Hank spun his wrist. 

"So what?" 

"...So mousy around him." The moment Hank said that, a small smirk broke through his lips. "Is there... Something going on between you two?"

Connor tilted his head. "What would be going on?"

"You tell me." 

What was going on?

This emotion... Admiration?

Connor didn't understand it. He'd slapped a label on the feeling so he could move on and forget about it, but that didn't work. He couldn't let it go; He wanted something. He wanted... Markus. But what did that mean? He already had Markus as a close friend. Why didn't that feel like enough? What was this aching for?

"I don't intentionally act differently around Markus." Connor said as he tensely lowered himself onto the couch. "I just find myself worrying about how I come across... I really like him, you know? I want him to want to be around me as much as I want to be around him. And it's... Exciting, to be with him, but nerve-wracking at the same time."

His gaze followed Hank, who joined him on the couch, still smirking. Connor's cheeks prickled with warmth when he realized how pathetic he must have sounded. He instantly regretted being so honest. "I know I'm overreacting. You're right, he's my friend. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't know why I..." 

"You don't know?" Hank rested his elbows on his knees and peered into the troubled brown eyes beside him. "'Cause it sounds to me like you've got a little crush." He said as he tapped the tip of the android’s nose.

Connor could swear his cognitive function had just short-circuited.

A crush. Romantic attraction... Is that what this was?

He knew the thoughts he had about Markus were irregular, but to him, many thoughts brought on by deviancy seemed random and inappropriate.

And though he'd seen androids falling in love before, it had never occurred to him that he could feel anything like that. He wasn't designed to.

No, he wasn't designed to do a lot of things that he still did. That was the point of being free, right?

But still, Connor was the most advanced android prototype ever created. He was supposed to be intelligent and rational. Was he not above a petty crush? Did he really have the gall to think he could ever end up with Markus in that way? 

"No, I- Markus doesn’t- That doesn't make sense. I wouldn't be attracted to someone I couldn't pursue." He babbled.

"Ha!" Hank barked a cackle of ridicule. Connor scrambled to correct himself. "I mean- I know people are often attracted to the unattainable, I just meant- Androids act based on calculations, deviant or not. It wouldn't be logical."

"Feelings aren't logical, son. Welcome to being alive."

Connor lowered his head in thought.

Hank was right. The more emotion-driven he became, the more he felt as though he was losing his logicality, and by extension: Losing his strength. 

He suddenly understood why this feeling could be described as 'falling' for someone. It was just as out of his control, and painfully vulnerable.

Connor didn’t just want to be close with Markus, he yearned to be completely entangled with him.

But, their relationship was never going to progress past where it was. 

The Deviant Leader and the former Deviant Hunter. The embodiment of freedom and somebody who didn’t even know what his own favourite colour was yet. 

It wasn't meant to be.

"Okay, didn't mean to give you a crisis." Hank lightly ruffled Connor's umber locks. "Quit frowning, you're gonna give yourself a headache."

Connor gently pushed his hand away, eyes still fixed to the floor. Normally he would argue that no such things could happen to androids, but instead he hastily uttered that he was going to go get changed before he stood up and rushed to his bedroom, gone before Hank could say a word.

The older man just sighed and shook his head.

He had to be patient while Connor figured himself out, but damn it if he didn't wanna just shake him by the shoulders and tell him to stop overthinking everything.

Chapter Text

North laced her fingers under her chin, dark eyes narrowing at her unusually sullen friend. “What’s eating you?”

Connor looked up from his mug. “...Eating me?”

“You’ve been all spaced out lately. It’s not like you.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“-Ap-bup-bup.” She held up a hand. “I don’t care. Just tell me what’s up.”

Connor wondered how to get out of this conversation, if there even was a way at all. Their weekly coffee meet-ups were all about sharing what was on their minds, and North hated being lied to.

He didn’t want to admit what was on his mind because of how embarrassingly pathetic this affliction made him feel. And yet, his ride-or-die had seen him in far more compromising states. 

“I’ve identified an emotion previously unclear to me… How I feel about… someone.”

“Loathing? Unadulterated loathing?” North sang. 

“No-” A giggle broke out of him before he evened out his voice again. “-The opposite.”

Realization dawned on the redhead. “This is about Markus, isn’t it?”

“How did you-” Connor’s cheeks flushed. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yes! I can’t believe you only just now realized you like him! I’ve had to sit here watching you act like a lovesick puppy while saying nothing out of respect for you.”

“...Does everybody just know, then?” He groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I only realized because Hank asked what was going on between us!”

North set down her cup a little too hard, sending some coffee dribbling down the side. “Your dad called you out?”

“Hank isn’t my dad.”

“Right, you just live with an old guy that calls you ‘son’ and always looks out for you.”

“‘Son’ is a common term of endearment-”

“Not the point!” She huffed. “To answer your question, no, not everybody knows you as well as I and your not-dad do. But still, the fact that we noticed your crush before you did?”

“Emotions are complicated, okay? I thought it was just… I dunno, admiration?..” Connor rubbed his temples. “I don’t know how I’ll get rid of it... I’ve read that distance is the common solution, but I can’t exactly do that... nor do I want to…”

“Hold on.” North furrowed her eyebrows. “Get rid of it?”

“It’s distracting. It hinders my efficiency, it makes me…” His voice lowered. “...It makes me feel pretty stupid.”

“Then do something about it. Make a move!”

“On Markus?”

“Why not?”

“He’s not gonna return my feelings- I’d be ruining our friendship for nothing.”

“And why are you convinced he wouldn’t feel the same?”

Connor’s fingers flexed around his mug. Simply saying, ‘He’s out of my league.’ wouldn’t get across just how impossible a relationship with Markus seemed. 

“Well, okay- If you’re so good at noticing when your friends are taken with somebody… Have you noticed that in Markus?”

North hummed as she dipped her straw in and out of her cup. “Markus isn’t easy to read, with his RBF and all... Don’t tell him I said that.” She chuckled. “But, I do know he really likes you. I mean, sure, he’s kind to everybody, but you’re on his mind a lot... I think you kind of trigger this, like, caring instinct in him, you know? He worries about you when you’re acting off, he’s proud of you when you’re doing good… Like I said, it’s hard to tell if he’s just like that or not, but I reckon he cares about you too much to lose you.”

“Oh… Does he… Does he talk about me?”

”Yeah, man.”

Connor looked down, stupefied. He knew Markus cared about him, but to know he was on his mind that much? 

Did he even deserve that?

North lightly tapped the table. “Look, I’m not saying you have to dramatically confess your love to him or anything, just try flirting a little. Even if he’s not into it, he’s not gonna stop being your friend.”

Connor had no clue how he could possibly go about flirting. Even if he did, there was still the issue of whether or not the two made a good match at all.

“I just… I don’t know. I don’t really think I’d be any good at romance. I wasn’t exactly built to love...” He said half-jokingly, but North quickly shook her head, not having any of it.
“Don’t start with that. Your programming doesn’t matter, you’re just as alive as the rest of us.”

“...Am I?”

“Connor, you’re not the only one still figuring out who you are, it doesn’t make you inferior... Markus isn’t better than you. You know that, right?”

“Honestly… No.”

“Connor!” She jabbed a finger at him. “You’re my best friend for a reason, damn it. I think you’re an incredible person and an absolute pleasure to be around!” She leaned in confrontationally. “Are you saying I’m wrong?”

Connor found it hard not to be amused by the contrast of her uplifting words and scolding tone. “Your opinion can’t be wrong, but-”

“BZZT!” North cut him off with an obnoxious buzzer imitation. “No buts, the answer is that I’m never wrong.”

“Okay, okay.” He couldn’t help but smile at her antics. She had a way of lifting him up even if his demons were determined to keep him down. “I still… I mean, ah, the concept of flirting makes no sense, really. It seems like it’s either incredibly vague instructions like, making more eye contact? Or it’s something ridiculous like using pick-up lines…”

North fondly rolled her eyes. “It’s not an instruction manual, you big dork. You just need to be more confident. You can start by just saying the things you’re really thinking when you look at him.”

Connor tilted his head. “...I think that could be considered sexual harassment?"

North nearly spit out her coffee. “Okay, don’t say everything you’re thinking-” She snorted. “-just don’t hold back as much, you know? If you think he’s pretty, tell him. If you wanna sit a little closer, do it. Stuff like that.”

“What if I make him uncomfortable?”

“Then stop. Rejection hurts, but it’s better to try and fail than to do nothing.”

Connor ran a thumb across the rim of his mug. “Alright... I’ll think about it.” He relented. North smirked in satisfaction.

“But…” He started, prompting her smirk to drop in favor of a sigh. “...don’t you think it’d be just a little… strange? The Deviant Leader and the former Deviant Hunter, together?”

“Actually, I think that’d be awesome. You already flipped off CyberLife when you deviated, if you ended up with the guy they sent you to take down?” She grinned. “Dude.”

“Ha… I didn’t think of it that way.”

Chapter Text

For a while, Connor’s world was nothing but his blanket and his pitiful self. It was the closest he could get to disappearing.

Unfortunately, even the tightest blanket cocoon couldn’t hide him from some people, not when their text messages were sent directly to his head.

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : hang out with me

You : Today?

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : no on christmas eve

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : yes today i just got off work and i have TEA

You : Maybe you can tell me over text? Sorry, I just wouldn’t be great company right now. Lol

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : whats wrong with u

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : who hurt u. should i kill them

And here Connor thought typing ‘lol’ would be the perfect way to stop his brother from worrying.

You : No killing necessary! I’m just a little preoccupied with something.

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : well maybe u need a distraction

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : get ready im coming 4 u

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : vibecheck.gif

You : We can always just hang out tomorrow.

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : i’ll bring hashbrowns

You : …

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : with gravy

RK900 #313 248 317 - 87 : :3

You : ...Alright.

The passage of time didn’t seem to properly register to Connor, as it only felt like a minute before there was knocking on his bedroom door and an RK900 letting himself in without having waited for an answer. Connor rolled over to meet narrowed grey eyes. “Hi, Cae.”

Caelan sat at the foot of his bed and set down a paper bag. “So this is what you meant by ‘preoccupied’.” 

The older android sat up and offered a polite smile. “What happened at work?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me why you’re moping.”

Connor pulled the paper bag towards him. “It’s embarrassing.” He muttered.

“Con, you’ve been here my whole life, ergo: seen all of my less-than-graceful moments. I think it’s only fair I get to see some of yours too, no?”

He paused as he was dipping a chunk of hashbrown into the cup of gravy. Caelan dramatically shuddered. “Besides the fact that you like eating human food like a freak.”

Connor rolled his eyes and wordlessly extended a bare, white hand. Caelan’s eyebrows raised in intrigue. “You can’t just tell me?”

He only glared in response. 

Caelan retracted the skin on his hand and met palms with his. 

‘You can start by just saying the things you’re really thinking when you look at him.’

Alright...

Connor could do that.

He took a deep breath. “I enjoy the way you walk.” 

Markus looked up at him. “Sorry, what?”

Androids didn’t tend to mishear things. That was a request for clarification.

Connor hesitated, already regretting opening his mouth. Still, it was too late to backpedal now. “You maintain good posture. You move efficiently. It makes you look strong, confident… It’s- well, it’s satisfying to watch.”

The painter blinked at him, a few slow blinks that felt like they lasted years. “Oh…” He glanced away, scratching behind his ear. “Thank you?”

Connor’s jaw clenched. Markus didn’t look flattered. He looked… puzzled? Disturbed? Whatever it was, it was not what Connor was hoping for.

His movement pattern seemed like an innocent aspect of him to compliment. Was it still inappropriate?

Markus kept shifting his weight like he was suddenly aware of every step he took. 

Oh. Oh no. Had Connor made him self-conscious?

That was the opposite of what he meant to do. He just wanted to express his appreciation. Isn’t that what flirting was? 

For the rest of his shift, Connor couldn’t focus. He kept trying to figure out how to salvage the interaction, but there was no way to circle back to a botched compliment without making it weirder. Every time Markus adjusted his stance or looked down at his own feet, Connor’s regret doubled.

By the time he was on the way home, his memory playback had looped the conversation so many times that he was just about ready to scream.

Caelan snorted and slapped a hand over his mouth. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” Connor huffed.

That only made it worse. Caelan threw his head back, practically howling. “Of all things, you chose his gait?!”

Connor picked up his pillow and promptly whacked him across the head with it. “This is why I didn’t wanna tell you!” 

He barely flinched, instead grabbing Connor’s shoulders and giving him a light sway. “Oh, Connor. You strange, silly man...” He snickered. “Trust me, you didn’t screw up badly enough to be sulking in your bed like this. And they say I’m the dramatic one…”

“It’s clearly pretty bad if it’s making you cackle like a witch!”

“Did you see his face?!” Caelan erupted into laughter again. “He was like, ‘Okay Markus, just keep walking normal. Oh god, don’t trip. Don’t walk the wrong way.’” He wiped at his eyes. “Ah, he is never gonna forget that.”

“I wish he would! I made him so uncomfortable- Gah, I can never even look at him again...”

“Relax!” Caelan flicked a lock of the prototype’s hair. “You didn’t make him ‘so uncomfortable’. You just... confused him. Which is fair, because you flirt like you’re reviewing some kind of vehicle.” He chuckled. “But hey, if he’s the right one for you, he’ll take you in all of your weird, alien-like glory.” 

“I am not alien-like. I’m perfectly capable of being a normal, respectable person... I just can’t be when he’s around.” Connor lamented, dejectedly tugging off another piece of hashbrown. 

“You’re not as good at being ‘normal’ as you think you are, bub.”

“Hey, I’m not socially inept just because my social relations program doesn’t work anymore...”

“Nobody said you’re socially inept.” Caelan crossed his legs and leaned in. “But come on, do you really think you charmed your friends by being normal? You’re pretty much the token lovable oddball... And Markus likes you for you. I highly doubt this changed anything.”

Connor didn't know whether to be insulted or grateful that he was basically just called irrevocably strange.

“I don’t know if he-”

“-Likes you like that? Honey, if you need any proof that he’s wrapped around your finger, this is the pudding.”

That simply isn’t true, he thought. Making someone nervous didn’t mean they were attracted to you, it could be the very opposite, in fact.

But for whatever reason, he couldn’t find it in himself to argue that point...

“I still feel like I crossed a line.”

“You said one weird thing.” Caelan held up a finger for emphasis. “Big deal! Are you gonna give up just because of that?”

“I might as well! I knew I wouldn’t be any good at it, anyway…”

“No. Nuh-uh. You’re meant to be together!”

“Well, then fate can make it happen for me.” Connor grumbled.

“Connor, I swear, if you fumble your chance with that beautiful Greek statue of a man, I’m gonna get Hank to arrest you.”

“If you think he’s so beautiful, why don’t you just go out with him?” Connor retorted with much more bite than intended.

The icy-eyed android broke into a catty grin. “Oho, jealous much?”

Connor dragged his hands down his blushing face. “No. Love is stupid. I’m not doing it anymore.”

“I fear you’re in too deep, o dear brother of mine.”