Chapter Text
Infatuation.
Atsushi doesn’t really want to feel it for Dazai but he has little choice in the matter.
The feeling is natural though, somewhat expected. Dazai saved his life and what was left of his sanity. Dazai gave him a job, a place to call home and people to call friends. More importantly, Dazai gave him purpose. They even became friends of sorts so was it that strange for a lost lonely youngster to fancy his emotionally unavailable benefactor?
He doesn’t seek to make his feelings known, though. There’s a lot more to Dazai than meets the eye, the man is one of the seven wonders of the Armed Detective Agency, an enigma in the flesh and Atsushi isn’t sure he is up for cracking the code.
When he learns of Dazai’s past employment, it hardly shocks him. A man with such carefree smiles was bound to come from the darkest pits of the underworld and have a shady backstory. What bothers Atsushi is that a lot more of that shady backstory remains untold and that Dazai doesn’t seem too keen on going over it and forgiving himself or whatever he needs to do to move on; instead he simply pretends that nothing horrible has ever happened and rushes to commit suicide at every feeble opportunity. In Atsushi’s opinion, the two are mutually exclusive.
Atsushi thinks he’ll have to learn to let go. Dazai saved him but he can’t return the favour to the man who doesn’t want to be saved. It’s as simple as that.
Regardless of promises to let go, infatuation grows into something steady, permanent. Not quite love, but definitely a certain fondness.
Atsushi still doesn’t tell Dazai. It’s not that he is shy, there’s simply no point.
They keep being paired together for missions (sometimes Atsushi wonders if Kunikuda who is typically in charge of the schedules has some perverse pleasure in sending them off together) and occasionally Dazai insists on going out, just the two of them. They drink (a lot) and talk (not that much) and even plastered to the point of inviting Atsushi to commit a double suicide, Dazai never reveals anything about his past. Atsushi has to construct it from random pieces of information presented here and there. Curiously enough, Akutagawa is his best source.
Generally Atsushi doesn’t like talking to him because even a short conversation with Akutagawa requires a lot of fighting (and Atsushi doesn’t like to fight because once he becomes serious, someone always gets hurt and buildings get destroyed). But there’s no way around it – Akutagawa hates him with a passion.
It’s not a conventional conversation either. Typically, as they fight, Akutagawa just coughs and Atsushi growls. But when Akutagawa thinks he’s landed a particularly good hit he allows himself a brief rant. I will never forgive you. I will not be replaced. You aren’t better than me at all, you are trash under my feet, dust that will crumble away and one day he’ll understand – he is more like me than he is like you!
And here was Atsushi, thinking he had issues…
It’s not meant to be an accomplishment, but whatever it is that Atsushi has going on with Dazai, it’s enough to drive Akutagawa crazy, to get his gothic knickers in a twist right to the point where he will crouch on the floor in a pool of his own blood, clutching at the wounds, but still hiss in between coughs in that raspy voice of his. ”His new subordinate, my ass! Training you must be such a chore. You are dumb as a brick and so very head-strong. Not to mention that trashy ability of yours! He will grow tired of it. You bring him misfortune, you make him weak. You will be his undoing unless he dumps you to die in a ditch first… Which he will!”
Atsushi still feels for the wronged and fallen, so he always spares him in the end.
It would be easy to ask Dazai about Akutagawa. Atsushi wouldn’t even seem too nosy because, after all, he has a right to know why the beast of Roshomon keeps coming for his head. But Dazai would simply wear his most charming, emptiest smile, maybe even pet Atsushi’s hair and tell him not to worry. Even worse, he would probably lie, either out of habit or to spare Atsushi from some horrible truth.
Atsushi secretly hates it when Dazai behaves like he is so much older and wiser while in fact he is only four years Atsushi’s senior and he is equally lost on the roads of life. Atsushi hopes to be able to talk to him one day like an equal but that day isn’t near yet.
It’s worth a try though.
“You know him well, don’t you?”
It’s more of a statement than it is a question and Atsushi is uneasy on the inside. Whatever the reason, Dazai has done so much for him. Maybe he should leave it be? Maybe he doesn’t have the right to pry?
But Dazai also encouraged him to be confident and to see things through and Atsushi should respect his mentor’s teaching or it will be like he never left the orphanage.
“Dazai-san?” He briefly taps the man on the shoulder to make him snap back to reality. “Did you hear me?”
“Ah, what?” Dazai yawns as if he has drifted off, but it does not fool Atsushi. “Don’t worry yourself over it, Atsushi-kun. Right now your priority is getting familiar with the work of the Agency.”
Atsushi’s shoulders slump and he sits and sips on his tea in silence for the rest of the evening.
Maybe Akutagawa feels like he can’t reach Dazai, but he isn’t the only one, because there are days (multiple days) when Atsushi can’t reach him either.
This fight isn’t a proper one, just a skirmish with some low-ranking dogs of the Port mafia. Atsushi has a gut feeling that some new recruits are trying to prove their worth to Akutagawa. That or there’s a new bounty on his head. Either way, Atsushi doesn’t kill the attackers, simply knocks them out and calls the police before heading back to the Agency headquarters. Dazai is right, his ability to control the tiger form is getting better.
He hasn’t been hurt too badly but by the time Atsushi gets back he is exhausted. When he enters the brightly lit room on the fourth floor the world explodes in black for a second or two – enough to lose balance and stumble forward into the welcoming arms of unconsciousness. Only it is Dazai’s arms that he finds himself in and the realization makes Atsushi jolt back to reality.
“You’ve been rather touchy-feely lately,” Dazai muses, placing a steady hand on top of Atsushi’s shoulder. His voice is soft and Atsushi can feel the older man’s heartbeat. It’s unusually erratic. “It’s kind of cute. Do go on.”
It is so very tempting, but Atsushi won’t be played for a fool. He won’t get into more mess then he is already in, not until he figures out whether he can truly deal with his mentor’s pain and facades. In order for this to work – if it can ever work at all – at least one of them needs to stand firmly on his two good legs and Atsushi simply isn’t there yet. So he brushes off Dazai’s hand as he brushes off the comment. “I have no such tastes in men,” Atsushi says and begins to walk away.
He doesn’t understand why Dazai chuckles bitterly.