Chapter Text
“It’s your choice,” he shrugged and leaned against the bed frame, looking way too relaxed for my taste. “You can continue with your worthless life, or you can become someone who matters.”
I held my breath and my eyes widened. What the hell? I was for any type of constructive criticism, but this was insane. I had no idea where it was coming from, but his words sting painfully. My life wasn’t worthless. It wasn’t the one I had planned to have, but I was getting there. Slowly, but I was one step closer each day, and him saying that it was meaningless wasn’t exactly inspiring confidence in me.
I glared at him and took a deep breath trying to calm myself down before speaking. “Wow, nice touch,” I hissed but then carried on normally. “And you’re surprised you don’t have meaningful relations with people? If you talk to them like that, I’m not too shocked.”
“Stop making everything about everybody else, and start looking at yourself!” he exclaimed sitting up straight. He wasn’t so relaxed anymore and instead engaged himself fully in the conversation. Or rather an argument. His eyes were piercing mine and something told me that it wasn’t going to end quickly and without hurt feelings. “You talk to talk about bravery and following your dreams, but you’re sitting here all the time waiting for an opportunity to magically appear. That’s not how one lives life.”
Oh hell no.
“How would you know? Have you ever tried doing anything out of your comfort zone besides flirting?” I almost yelled at him, not caring whether the neighbors appreciated it or not.
He arched his eyebrow at me and gritted his teeth. “Living with you is out of my comfort zone,” he said calmly, but it only fueled my anger.
“Oh, well then, I’m sorry I’m such an inconvenience to you, I’ll start searching for another place,” I replied in a cocky voice placing my hands on my hips. I was too irritated to let it go even though, at that point, I had no idea what sparked our exchange of words.
James stared me down heavily and sighed. “That’s not what I meant.”
“No, you know what? I think that’s exactly what you meant,” I argued starting to see a different side of the man I had been living with for the past few months. “You can’t stand people and more importantly you can’t stand me. You should be on your own. It’s better for you.”
He sighed heavily while rubbing his eyes and then stood up. He gave me an assessing look and I noticed his expression change. “Okay, relax. I didn’t mean that, just calm down,” he asked calmly, however I had no intentions of doing that.
“Don’t you dare,” I exclaimed feeling the fury control me. I wasn’t so sure if I was solely angry at him anymore. At that point, I was projecting all my problems on him, assigning the guilt and punishing him. “I had to suffer through your awfulness for far too long. Why do you even want me here? You clearly don’t care about me. I’m here just so you could have a good fuck at night, am I right?”
I inhaled sharply following my last words. I regretted them immediately but decided not to show. I kept my cool cursing myself in my head.
His face changed. He didn’t look angry though, but hurt. His eyes were stone cold and he tightened his jaw. I could see his every muscle focus on not lashing out on me. In spite of all that, he only spoke one word: “Don’t.”
I snorted. Oh really? “What? Let’s just settle it once and for all. The only reason you agreed for me to live with you was so you wouldn’t have to look for new girls all the time. It’s obvious!”
His eyes flickered with flames and he took a step forward. “You’re crossing a line. Be careful,” he warned me clearly trying to end that discussion.
“Really? Because I think I’m actually finally understanding this deal we have going on,” I continued making the apostrophe signs with my fingers. I was annoyed and tired, and somehow he managed to make all of that worse. “You couldn’t care less for me as long as I’m here to take care of your needs. But then again, I shouldn’t really be angry because I agreed for this since the start.”
“Alright, fine, cut it off,” he hissed and passed me to get to the kitchen. “You’ve had your fun, now shut up.”
“No way. I’m just getting started,” I said smiling at him cockily, but I knew he could see the anger in my eyes.
“No, you’re not,” he growled making me flinch. He was done with me. “Shut it and focus on your life for a change instead of analyzing mine.”
He walked up to the fridge and opened the door probably pretending to look for something important in there.
“Analyzing?” I snorted and shook my head in disapproval. “Oh please, you would need years to fully summarize that mess.”
With those words, he stopped his movements and shut the refrigerator door. He turned around and, oh god, if eyes could kill. I swallowed hard knowing very well I crossed a major line, and I truly didn’t mean it. His entire demeanor changed and even though I knew he would never hurt me, in that moment he scared me.
“Okay, that was low. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it,” I whispered not breaking the eye contact and fidgeting slightly. I kept seeing the hurt in his eyes and, in turn, mine were burning with tears. I was so angry with myself, I was acting like a child and I hurt him. Badly.
“Are you sure?” he asked calmly, his voice not supporting his physical reaction.
“Yeah, I didn’t. I’m sorry,” I mumbled searching his face for some acceptance of the truce I was offering. We continued the staring competition for what seemed like forever, but in reality probably was only few seconds.
He sighed and leaned on the kitchen counter. When he looked back at me, his eyes weren’t that angry anymore, and a silent sigh of relief escaped my mouth.
“Are you done by any chance?” he asked me putting strong emphasis on every word and I had no strength of replying verbally.
I simply nodded.
“Good,” said firmly and then walked up to me. He stopped right in front of me, and took a deep breath. I kept my eyes fixed on his face and didn’t move. Similarly, his eyes were searching mine, and I couldn’t help but notice that they expressed concern. “And I do care for you. That man you were so eager to give your number to – he beat up his girlfriend few months ago,” he informed me, and I inhaled sharply.
What? I clearly remembered him. He seemed as if he was one of the nicest people I’d ever met. However, it wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about someone. I didn’t even bother to question how he knew that because I knew it would end in a yet another argument, so I chose to bring it up later.
“Such a charmer,” James continued. “That’s why I want you home tonight. Not so you would keep me warm or however you phrased it.” I widened my eyes in shock. Wait, so he… “I gotta get some stuff done, I’ll be back in few hours. You got some food in the fridge, I made it. And don’t get yourself into any mess while I’m gone.”
With those words, he reached for his jacket and quickly put it on. Avoiding my eyes, he unlocked the door and left the apartment. I simply stood there, still in a complete and utter confusion, and I had no idea what to do with myself.