Not Allowed

It’s late. Really late. Too late for anyone to be practicing anything. And yet, Austin gets that creeping feeling, the one he only gets when he knows something’s wrong. He’s supposed to be at his apartment, with his cat and his girlfriend. Well, Steve’s cat, actually. He’s watching her for a bit while Steve moves some stuff around in his own apartment (“I didn’t want to crush her with something, please take her.” He had pleaded, and Austin, despite his hatred for cats, tolerated Steve enough that he was willing to take her for a bit.)

But no. He’s not in his apartment with his girlfriend and his cat. He’s in his car, driving to the Outlaws’ arena. He knows who he’ll find there, but he doesn’t want to believe it.

_

It’s an easy routine to fall into. A bit too easy, really. But easy doesn’t always mean healthy. Stay late at the arena, skate around in his gear, not caring that his muscles ached, not caring that his lungs burned, not caring that he’s out of water, not caring that Austin still had Reya (his cat.) He just.. needed to be better. He needed to practice harder, work harder, train harder. But it was difficult, because Steve knew damn well he wasn’t supposed to be here this late. Late being around 10:34 PM. The trainers were already giving him hell for it, but what’s getting yelled at a bit when you can get better.

This was the real reason he was having Austin watch Reya. He wasn’t getting home early enough to feed her, and she was already asleep by the time he did. He was worried she was going to starve or something, so he had Austin watch her. Because Austin, being the best alternate captain Steve knew, would always be willing to help him out. Even if they didn’t know each other very well. Even if Reya was a bit needy. Even if Steve never seemed to actually be done with “moving stuff around in his apartment.” Austin had Reya long enough. He had to be getting suspicious. Steve knew that. He knew it didn’t take this long to rearrange furniture. This long being two months. And he’d stop eventually. He’d stop when he got better. When he felt like he was worth something.

_

Austin pulled into his spot, the one he’d used long enough that people had stopped considering parking there because Austin would probably be pissed if he didn’t get “his” spot. It was supposed to feel familiar. Calming. It always did. It didn’t feel like the spot he’d pulled into countless times, it didn’t feel right, because he wasn’t with his team, he wasn’t with who he considered family. He was alone. Except for one car he so easily recognized as Steve’s. He groaned quietly, feeling something pool in his stomach. Steve wasn’t supposed to be here right now. Sure, he was allowed to, but it was late. Really late.

“Should I call him?” He muttered quietly to himself as he stepped out of his car, not really meaning to say it out loud. Deciding not to, knowing Steve would probably lie, he walked towards the doors that led into the arena. He sniffled quietly, realizing that not only was it late, it was cold, too. Unusually cold for March, but hey, there’s nothing he can do to change the weather.

It was colder in the arena than it was outside. He probably should’ve worn a coat or something. But he was here on a stupid hunch that he prayed wasn’t true, and didn’t put enough thought into what he was wearing.

As his stupid hunch had suspected, there was his teammate. The Outlaw’s starting goalie in full gear, skating back and forth across the ice, obviously exhausted but refusing to stop. Austin could see it in the way Steve was moving, the way he was breathing, the way he looked so genuinely frustrated when he forced himself to stop and take a moment. He was exhausted. It wasn’t who Austin knew. This version of Steve wasn’t one he wasn’t ever supposed to see, one nobody was ever supposed to see. One that pushed himself to unhealthy levels, just to feel like someone, like part of his team.

Austin made his way down to the ice, the boards. It felt just as unnatural as everything else this evening. Unnatural seeing his teammate, his friend from the perspective that fans saw him from. And now he just.. kind of had to wait. For Steve to stop. For Steve to even notice him. For something to happen.

It was maybe 15 minutes later that Steve finally noticed Austin. He’d been doing a lap of the rink, a bit slower than before as ache and fatigue took hold of his body. And he just.. stopped. Like the ice had gotten to him and had frozen him in place. Austin could feel his eyes on him. Because when he’d stopped, he hadn’t just stopped. He’d locked his eyes onto Austin’s, and had been staring hard for at least thirty seconds now.

“Somethin’ up, Higgsy?” Austin called out loud enough for Steve to hear from where he was.

“I am trying to figure out if you’re real,” Steve called back, his Canadian-French accent thicker than usual. “Or a uh..,” he paused, trying to remember the word. “hallucination.” He finished, not taking his eyes off of Austin for a moment.

Austin sighed softly, looking disappointed and confused at the same time. “I’m real, Steve. And, with this real body of mine, I’m gonna drag your ass off the ice.” He teased lightly, trying to lighten what he was seeing as a really shitty situation.

_

Austin had gotten Steve off the ice and into their locker room with little effort, which, as far as he knew, was because of how tired he was. Nothing else, right? Right. Yeah. Definitely.

Steve sat quietly in his stall, just staring down at his skates, the pads that covered them. He was never quiet. And Austin was worried. “Hey,” he started gently, placing his hand on Steve’s padded shoulder. “You good, man? This doesn’t seem like something you’d do-“

Steve cut him off, sounding deflated and a bit defensive. “No, yeah, it is totally something I would do.” He said with a small smile, trying to make a joke out of this whole thing so he could just shower and go home and so Austin would drop it. Talking about your mental issues with your teams alternate captain doesn’t seem very appealing to him, believe it or not.

A silence fell between them, broken only by the occasional sniffle from either of them. It really was cold.

“How’s my little Reya-sunshine?” Steve asked suddenly, which earned him a very confused look from Austin. “Reya? My cat?” He clarified.

“Oh- uh..” Austin laughed quietly, taking a step back and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “She’s fine, doin’ great.” He shrugged, looking around as calmly as he could. This all felt so unbelievably awkward. “I’m sure she misses you.” He adds for no particular reason.

“You have little nicknames for your cat?” Austin asks, looking over at Steve with a raised eyebrow. “You called her your little Reya-sunshine,” he took a moment to process what that even meant. “Like.. a ray of sunshine? Dude, that’s adorable.” He snickered, ignoring the way Steve’s cheeks flushed slightly when he said adorable.

“Oh shut it, she’s a cat! She is my cat, and I can call her whatever I want!” Steve shot back, smiling genuinely for the first time since Austin found him here.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. You ever gonna get out of your gear or is it permanently equipped to your character?” Austin let his smile fall a bit, reminding himself of why he was really here in the first place.

When Steve didn’t respond for a moment too long, Austin sighed, that worried and confused look back on his face. And before he realized what he was really doing, he’d knelt down and started undoing the straps on Steve’s leg pads. And Steve didn’t stop him.

Austin had no problem doing this, really. Steve was tired and probably a bit sad and those were always miserable conditions for taking off any sort of gear, and it may have been just a bit worse for Steve because goalies have a lot of it. It was quiet, but not an uncomfortable quiet. A calm one, one that filled the air and made it just that little bit warmer.

With little struggle, Austin had gotten Steve’s gear off and into a pile behind himself. He looked… smaller now. And yes, you may be thinking, of course he’s smaller, Austin just got a crap ton of gear off him that’s known to make a person look bigger. That’s not what we’re talking about here, though. He looked smaller than he usually did out of gear, his shoulders hunched forward slightly, hands clasped together tightly in his lap. It was like he was trying to disappear, which was definitely valid right now because it was embarrassing as hell to be caught with a bad mental state by someone who doesn’t even know you that well.

Steve sniffled, keeping his eyes locked on the floor as Austin stared at him, still looking concerned. If he did end up crying, which he probably would, he’d rather hide it for longer by keeping his head down. Crying while someone is in the same room as you is very different from crying at them. If he was looking at Austin, it would be crying at him, and that would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable, and it would probably make him feel obligated to comfort him.

It didn’t take long before he felt that far too familiar burn of his eyes, the lump in his throat that made it impossible to breathe. He just sighed, putting his face in his hands, hoping he just looked tired and not like he was crying.

It also didn’t take long for Austin to notice. “Woah, hey- hey, man!” He said softly, sounding a bit panicked as he fumbled over his words. “Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok, I got ya’,” he murmured, sitting down beside Steve and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He felt the shaky breaths, the tension in his body, the way he really did feel smaller than usual. Is he eating properly?, Austin couldn’t help but think.

They sat like that for what could’ve been two minutes, or maybe an hour. Austin couldn’t tell. He doubted that Steve could either, with how out of it he seemed. But Steve had calmed down. He knew that. “You gonna tell me what this’s all ‘bout?” Austin said in a tone that he hoped Steve would recognize as him being allowed to not answer. He didn’t have to. It was his mental shit, and he didn’t have to share it if he didn’t want to.

“I uh.. I do not know, myself. I’m sad, and I don’t really feel like part of the team. This is probably my stuff, and I don’t want you to feel like you guys are not doing enough or something.” Steve started, pausing for a moment to breathe and get whatever was next prepared. “I just.. I have stopped being invited to hang out, and go out for drinks, and I feel like it’s partly my fault, because for the last four years or so, I have used the same excuse of having to feed Reya for why I can’t go out. And I think.. I think they think I just don’t want to hang out, but that is not true! I’m.. like, really fucking depressed and lonely and my social battery is fully drained by the time we’re all done with media shit.” He sounded a bit funny, cursing with his accent, but Austin felt like this wasn’t the time to say that.

“But it uh.. hurts, you know, to stop being invited out because they think I’m going to say no.”

Which is completely valid. The other guys definitely weren’t happy about not inviting Steve anymore, but he never came with them anyways, so why even invite him in the first place? Ok wait, that actually sounded pretty shitty, now that Austin thought about it.

“That.. yeah, that sounds pretty uh..” Austin didn’t know how to respond. He’d never been good with comforting people, and this time it was serious and he just didn’t know what to do.

Steve huffed out a small laugh at Austin’s pathetic attempt to respond. “Yeah, yeah. Nice try, Austin. Real solid attempt there, really made everything better,” he snickered, leaning into Austin’s side and looking up at him with that same dorky smile that he loved so much.

Love? Austin thought, his brows furrowing almost unnoticeably. Do I love his smile?

“I’m not good with words, man, you know this!”

“English isn’t even my first language and I’m better than you at talking!”

“Bullshit, Stevie, you forget words all the time.”

“Bullshit, Austin, I haven’t forgotten a word in like.. quite a bit, actually,” He smiled, looking at least a bit happier than before. Progress!

Austin smiled back at him, trying desperately to ignore that stupid fluttery feeling behind his ribs, settled warm and heavy.

After Austin didn’t actually respond, Steve leaned on him a bit heavier, just to be annoying. “Oh, no response, eh? You don’t seem very smart now, since you can’t even find something to mess with me.”

Austin, not expecting the sudden extra weight against his side, fell to the floor. And Steve, not expecting to lose the support he’d been leaning on, fell with him. So now Austin was stuck with a very heavy, very shocked looking Steve flopped onto his chest. Well. Not just his chest. Pretty much his whole body, since Steve was just bigger than him in general.

And he didn’t make any attempt to get Steve off of his body. Because Steve was really warm, and Austin was really not.

They laid there for a few moments, just staring at each other. Both worried that speaking would break the moment and make it awkward.

It was Austin that spoke first.

“You’re warm,” he murmured quietly, probably because he couldn’t get enough air in with Steve crushing him to speak louder.

“You’re cold,” Steve replied with the same quietness, not making any move to get off of Austin.

“And heavy. Jesus, man.” Austin huffed, letting his head fall back against the floor with a breathless laugh. “Not really, but I am sure it feels like a lot when it’s on top of you,” Steve hummed, sighing softly and pushing himself up so he was sitting back on Austin’s thighs, knees on either side of his hips.

It was a comfortable silence that fell between them, despite what most may think is a very awkward moment.

Austin sighed, sitting up with Steve still comfortably in his lap. He didn’t mind. Why don’t I mind? I don’t like.. dudes, I should be shoving him off right now. Why does this feel right? Austin thought. While he was thinking he must’ve been making some kind of expression, because Steve suddenly looked nervous, and he shifted his weight to get up.

Before he could fully stand, Austin grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down, his knees hitting the ground a bit too hard and drawing a slight grimace from him. “Sorry-“ Austin started, pausing as Steve’s cheeks flushed. “Sorry, uh, why were you getting up?” He finished, tilting his head slightly. “You were staring into my soul like you were casting a curse over my whole bloodline?” Steve replied quickly, leaning back a bit to stabilize himself. Clearly Austin hadn’t realized he’d been doing that.

Austin gave a small nod, looking away from Steve at nothing. He wanted to keep looking at him — he didn’t want to keep feeling that stupid fluttery feeling behind his ribs.

“So you were or were not casting a curse over my family?” Steve asked, his voice laced with a small laugh that threatened to break through at his own joke. “I was not.” Austin replied, still trying to ignore that stupid feeling.

“So what were you doing?”

“Thinkin’.”

“Thinking about what?”

“Nothin’.”

“Well, it was clearly something, with how quiet you’re being about it.”

Austin finally looked at Steve again, and was suddenly very aware of how close Steve was, how he had leaned in a bit, that challenging look in his eyes, that small smirk on his lips. He couldn’t think of a response, not with those hazel eyes practically pinning his words in his throat.

Oh shit, oh fuck, I’m screwed, I’m so screwed, I don’t like men, right? I don’t, no no no, this is wrong, I’m not- this isn’t right! Shit, am I gonna go to Hell for this?

“I wasn’t.. I wasn’t thinking about anything.” He finally managed, though the words seemed to claw themselves out of his throat instead of coming naturally. “Yes you were! You did that thing again! How deep are these thoughts, man?” Steve says with a little pout, gesturing vaguely at Austin’s head. Y’know. Where his thoughts are. Except Austin is pretty sure his brain actually did shut off a few seconds ago when Steve shifted a bit on his lap, so now he was literally thinking about nothing. Completely blanking on everything.

He’d replied with.. something — he was too in his own mind to even process his own words.

Whatever he replied with made Steve laugh, so that was good. Probably. Maybe thank you to Austin’s subconscious mind for whatever he said.

“Ah, you’re such a dork, Austin.” Steve smiled, looking down at Austin for a moment before his smile fell slightly. He’s really pretty. “Uh. Sorry, I should probably..” he murmured softly, getting up and grabbing his bag before speedwalking to the showers. Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Austin thought, flopping back on the floor and staring at the ceiling, feeling like an idiot.

__

It was a while before Steve came back. He was wearing grey basketball shorts and a black shirt that hugged his biceps a bit too well. His hair was still damp, and his skin still steamed from how hot his shower was. Austin’s eyes tracked him as he walked over to his gear and started shoving it in his duffel bag. “You leavin’?” Austin asked quietly, sitting up and actually watching Steve now. “Uh.. yeah. It’s like 12:30. I’m tired.” Steve shrugged, avoiding looking at Austin. “Oh,” Austin replied softly, moving to stand up. “Well uh.. see you at practice.” He smiled, making his way to the exit of the Outlaws locker room.

“Austin, wait.“ Steve grabbed Austin’s wrist and turned him around, grabbing his shirt with his free hand and pulling him into a kiss. Austin made a shocked sound, but the shock didn’t last long. His hands found Steve’s waist, gently pulling him closer. He pulled back for a moment, panic suddenly creeping into his mind. Oh lord, this is wrong, this is so wrong! It’s against.. everything! These thoughts were quickly forgotten in favor of Steve kissing him again. They both stumbled a bit, Austin ending up with his back against the wall. The hand that was holding on to Austin’s shirt moved up, holding his jaw, fingers splayed across the side of his neck.

Steve’s other hand slid down, grabbing the underside of Austin’s thigh and hooking it over his hip, his hand holding his jaw doing the same soon after to the other leg. Steve, who was now holding Austin, slowly backed away from the wall, moving back towards his stall again. When he finally sat down, Austin in his lap, he pulled away from the kiss slightly, just enough to speak. “I love you,” he whispered against Austin’s mouth before pressing their lips together again. It was Austin who pulled back next, resting his forehead against Steve’s. “You can’t.. you can’t say that.” He sighed, keeping his eyes closed as he spoke. He didn’t want to see any bit of hurt on the other man’s face.

“Why not, why can’t I say what’s true?”

“Because.. I can’t, Steve. I can’t love you back, not how you want me to. It’ll always feel wrong to me, no matter what.”

Steve paused for a moment, a small sigh coming from him before he spoke again. “Why is it love, of all things, that you restrict yourself from?”

Austin didn’t reply to that, just leaned in and kissed Steve again, softer this time. Like it really mattered. This was something he so desperately wanted, and he couldn’t even have it. Damn his parents, damn his church, damn his religion! Damn everything that taught him that this was wrong!

After a few moments, Austin pulled away again, looking at Steve with a sort of lost expression. “I.. can’t do this, I’m sorry,” he huffed quietly, letting his head fall onto Steve’s shoulder. Steve just nodded, taking a deep breath and letting Austin go as he stood. Austin took a step back, keeping his eyes anywhere but on Steve. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s- it’s not like we even could have anything, considering we’re both.. professional athletes. Jesus, our media guy would kill us,” Steve said with a small laugh, looking up at Austin with just so much love in his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, he would,” Austin nodded, taking another step back. “Hey.. are you good on getting home yourself? I don’t wanna check your location and see that you’re still here.”

Oh yeah. Steve kind of forgot there was a whole team Life360 circle, since so many of them were getting lost so often when they were traveling.

“Yeah, I’ll uh.. I’ll get home, don’t worry about it,” Steve nodded, standing and picking up his bag. Austin was already on his way out when he spoke again.

“Hey, Austin?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“See you at practice on Monday.”

Austin smiled.

“See you then.”