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He wasn’t expecting anyone. But he supposed it didn’t matter. It’s not like he could sleep regardless.
He had a pretty good guess at who it was. There weren't that many people in the dorms that still knocked. Everyone on the top floor always just busted into each other’s rooms and just hoped they wouldn’t catch anyone jacking off and/or undressing. Surprisingly, there had been no incidents so far.
But he was pretty sure that there was a person who lived a floor below them that still knocked regardless of whose door it was.
More specifically, there weren't many members who could knock that lightly, he was certain he was doing it in case Ni-ki really was asleep. Luckily, his hands were small enough that he wouldn’t make much noise with his fist regardless. But Ni-ki could still remember when his own hands were smaller. If you can believe it.
He groaned as he got out of his bed, from exhaustion, from soreness, from everything.
Ni-ki opened his door abruptly, Sunoo’s fist was still hanging in mid air much like his jaw was. But Sunoo recovered quickly, pushing past him with a pillow under his arms and a stuffed duck in the other.
“To what do I owe the pleasure, Sunoo?”
“Hyung.”
Ni-ki chuckled despite how tired he was, “Hyung.” he agreed.
Ni-ki walked a few steps behind the older boy, enjoying the way his bangs were now long enough so Ni-ki could watch the way they bounced as he walked.
“Hyung?”
Sunoo crawled into his bed and held up the covers for him.
“Get in.”
Ni-ki sighed. “Hyung, I’m turning 22 this year, I think I’m too old to sleep with you.”
Sunoo didn’t budge. “You’re 19 internationally Ni-ki-yah, just do what your Hyung tells you.”
Ni-ki wanted to protest more, but it wasn’t like he was going to sleep either way. And he was tired. Ni-ki was so tired. He had never been this tired in his life. The comeback, the second comeback coming up in the fall, their Japanese single, his solo cover, the many dances he was choreographing, the vocal lessons, the TV appearances, it was all swallowing him. He wasn’t sure why it was affecting him particularly this much though. He had been treading water well since he arrived in South Korea but there was always something being added. Added to their schedule. Added to his shoulders. And he was thankful. Ni-ki never once stopped being grateful, he never took it for granted. But it was a lot. And he knew that regardless of how he felt he always had to be the best, at least at dance, he knew he had to be perfect.
But recently, he had gotten greedy and he had been unable to stop himself. All the members were experiencing the same thing. Even the boy in the silk fruit themed pajamas that was lying next to him, staring up at the ceiling, not even bothering to feign sleep.
Yes, even Sunoo, Sunoo with perfect vocals, appearance people went crazy for, personality that made you want to drown yourself in his presence, spent hours in their practice room refusing to let even a single beat drop as he danced.
They were all like this after Coachella. The expectations had been high, and they knew this. Fuck, they’d practically set them themselves. No one had even really expected them to sing live, especially not for an hour straight. How could they take it easy after that performance? No, they had to top themselves and top themselves they would. All the members felt the same pressure. They had to be the best. Best at vocals, best at dance, it didn’t matter. They all needed perfection and for Ni-ki, who had already been caught up in perfection, the increased pressure only added to his previous burden. Now he had millions of people watching them, watching him, waiting for the other shoe to drop, desperate for him to make a mistake, to fuck up, to sing a note wrong, trip during a dance, anything they could use to hold against him.
It was why he couldn’t leave the practice room or the recording studio without feeling guilty. Every second that went by was time he could be working on himself. And he needed so much work. So much fucking work.
Even when he tried to sleep, he couldn’t, not when there was so much he could be doing. Not when he could still feel the eyes of thousands on him even if his were closed.
“Are you sleeping?”
Ni-ki laughed. “Is that a joke?”
Sunoo looked away from the ceiling to look at him from the corner of his eye.
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know how to break the ice.”
“Did you not have any plan when you took the elevator up here holding that pillow?”
Sunoo looked sheepish for a second, “Not really… I just knew I wanted to see you.”
Ni-ki’s throat constricted slightly, but he was determined to ignore it.
“It’s pretty bold,” he looked at Sunoo out of the corner of his eye with a smirk, “sneaking into your dongsaeng’s bed like this.”
“Ni-ki-yah.”
It had been a few years since he had heard Sunoo speak in that tone before. “My bad. It’s just been a few years, you know?”
Ni-ki turned away from him.
Sunoo hummed. Ni-ki heard him shuffling closer until he felt his forehead press against his back and a hot hand fisting his tanktop.
“It has.”
The silence was awkward. It never used to be this awkward between them. Sunoo and him used to talk for hours like this, sometimes with the covers over their heads, talking in voices they thought were low enough for the members not to hear them as they giggled about everything and nothing.
Sunoo, like always, bridged the gap between them.
“..Are you okay Ni-ki-yah?”
Ni-ki thought about being truthful. Just for a second. And then it was gone.
He nodded, not thinking about whether or not Sunoo could even see his head from his position.
“Just tired is all.”
Sunoo gripped his shirt a little tighter. “You used to tell me everything Ni-ki.”
Ni-ki hummed appreciatively in response.
“You used to struggle to tell me about your dreams every morning before you forgot them. You would even tell me what sneaker you had laced first that morning. Fuck, Ni-ki, you used to tell me everything.”
Ni-ki wanted so badly to clutch at his own chest, desperate to block the ache that was beginning.
Sunoo sniffled, “Why’d you stop?”
Ni-ki wanted to turn around, to put his arms around Sunoo so he wouldn’t cry but it had been years since he had comforted Sunoo like that. Sunoo, who used to cry every other day, both happy and sad, Ni-ki would still wrap his arms around him all the same. The best he could do now was respond.
“It’s different now.”
Sunoo scoffed, his voice was full of the tears in his throat that were choking him, “How?”
“It just is.”
Ni-ki struggled to keep the emotion out of his voice as he spoke, desperate to not convey any of the things that threatened to choke him out every single second.
“Hey!” He looked behind him, “Don’t use my tank-top as a tissue! Goddamn Sunoo!”
Ni-ki leaned over to grab a tissue, sitting up so he could hand it to his crying Hyung. He hesitated a second before lifting his hand to move his growing bangs out of his eyes. Lingering for just a second when he couldn’t resist petting his head once he was finished.
Ni-ki smiled, “Looks like you still cry just as much though.”
Sunoo dabbed at his eyes before blowing his nose loudly in the tissue and throwing off the side of Ni-ki’s bed. He could pick it up tomorrow.
“Well, you’re not leaving me with much of a choice. You won’t talk to me, you won’t sleep, did you really think I was going to leave you alone forever?”
Ni-ki had thought that. Even though he knew it was Sunoo at the door he was still shocked that he was even here right now. Ni-ki laid back down, facing Sunoo.
“Are you not going to answer?” Sunoo leaned back against his headboard, chuckling slightly. “Ni-ki-yah, if I don’t know I can’t help you.”
“I don’t need you to help me, Hyung.”
“Who cares Ni-ki? If I waited for you to ask I’d be waiting forever.”
Ni-ki closed his eyes. “That’s probably true.”
“Is it really so bad that you can’t tell me? I won’t tell anyone.”
Even with his eyes closed Ni-ki could hear Sunoo was in danger of crying again.
“It’s not that Hyung, it’s just that this isn’t something you can help me with.”
Sunoo sighed. “Ni-ki-yah, can you do me a favor?”
Ni-ki opened his eyes. A request from Sunoo was unusual. He never asked for anything. Ni-ki wished he kept his eyes closed as he stared up at Sunoo. Filled eyes finally spilling over as they ran down his cheeks adding to the ones that just finally started to dry.
Ni-ki couldn’t look away now, not when his lip was trembling like this. He waited for him to continue.
“Can we pretend? Please? Just for a night?”
“Pretend what Hyung?” Ni-ki tried his best to make his deep voice warmer, the best he could do at trying to make Sunoo feel better. But this was beyond him. It wasn’t personal. But this was above his pay grade, above anyone’s.
Sunoo let out a shaky breath. “Can we pretend we’re back in that room? With all 7 of us squashed into one room and the blankets over our heads?” Sunoo covered his face with his hands, trying not to wail behind them.
“Hyung, it’s not–, listen, I can’t,”
Sunoo only sobbed harder, shoulders shaking as he tried to hold back. Ni-ki panicked, he had only seen Sunoo this upset a few times in his life.
He sat up, trying to wrench his hands off his face and get him to stop sobbing but Sunoo just whined at him from behind them. “Fine! Okay, okay, just please, stop wailing before someone comes in.”
Sunoo took his face away from his face, revealing what a mess he’d made of his face with his tears and snot but the corner of his lips turned up slightly at the side.
Ni-ki handed him another tissue before he laid back down, pulling the cover over his head. He flinched slightly when he felt Sunoo’s hand stroke his head from over the sheet. The touch confused him at first but like most things with Sunoo he felt himself being pulled into his orbit. And it was easier like this, hidden under his duvet.
Yeah, he was speaking out loud. There wasn’t anyone there. No one was sniffling outside these covers. So surely, it must be okay to put these harsh thoughts into words? Just for a little?
“It’s just— I feel like I can’t stop and yet I’m falling behind.”
Ni-ki wanted to wait for Sunoo’s response but he found he couldn’t stop himself once he started.
“There’s so many expectations, and they’re coming from everywhere and I can’t stop them. But the worst of all is my own. I feel like I can never catch up.”
“Catch up to who? Surely, not to us?”
Ni-ki responded to the no one in his room. “How can I not? You’re all so good and everyone is only getting better.”
“Ni-ki-yah, you’re getting better too, there isn’t anyone you need to catch up to. And it’s not a race, it’s not like tomorrow we all need to be perfect at everything.”
“It’s not enough. I need to work harder. I can’t stop now, Hyung.”
“Ni-ki, who said anything about stopping? Working hard is something we all need to do. And truthfully, there will never be a time that we can afford to strive for less. But we’re all thinking the same thing, we all have the same concerns. You think I’m not desperately trying to catch up to you during practice?"
Ni-ki was finding it harder and harder to respond, his throat clenched on his voice every now and then, his own eyes were watering.
He sniffled, “but you are catching up Hyung.”
Sunoo laughed. “Ni-ki-yah, we both know that I could dance for a 100 years and I would still never catch up to you. And I would still die before you because you’re younger than me.”
Ni-ki chuckled slightly, removing the blanket slightly so he could finally take in fresh air after suffocating himself for the last 5 minutes.
“The thing is Ni-ki, it’s okay to feel like we all have to do better, it’s okay to strive for perfection. It’s okay to chase after one another, but we’re not in I-Land anymore, thank fuck. No one is going to leave you behind if you fall back, you don’t have to fight to prove yourself anymore. You made it this far because of your skills and your skills alone.”
Ni-ki sniffled again, starting to take in Sunoo’s words.
“You’re not alone in this, Ni-ki.” Sunoo stroked through his blonde hair now that he was coming out of the blanket more and more.
“Even if we stopped being close like this, you know I was never far right? I am always rooting for you, I am always proud of you, fuck Riki, I am so proud.”
Sunoo got choked up for a second. Ni-ki moved closer to him, putting an arm over his thighs and burying his face next to his hip.
“Bu-but this isn’t right? You get that right Ni-ki?” Sunoo sniffed loudly, face looking up at the ceiling to try and will himself to stop crying.
“You can’t move forward if you don’t take care of yourself. I know it’s hard. It’s hard to relax when there’s so much we need to do but you can’t get better like this. You’ll never get any further if you keep treating yourself like this. You have to rest. You have to eat. You have to let yourself pretend you’re not 19.”
“I’m 21.”
“Shut up, just promise me that next time you’ll pretend with me. Please, I can’t stand seeing you like this. None of us can. We can do so much better Ni-ki, we can do so much more together, but you can’t do that if you’re trying to pour from an empty cup. I promise you everything will come easier if you take care of yourself. You’ll do so much better if you give your body what it needs. And Riki, it needs sleep. Do you understand?”
Sunoo opened his eyes, looking down at the boy buried next to his legs. “Riki-yah, I said, do you understand?”
Sunoo peeked at him and was about to poke him in the cheek when he felt the arm over his legs slacken, the fist softening as Ni-ki fell deeper and deeper into sleep.
Sunoo smiled at him. He looked just as young as he did back then, Sunoo thought as he hummed gently under his breath and brushed his back with his hand.
Ni-ki woke up first, the uncomfortable feeling of being gripped until he looked down at the pale thin arm around his stomach.
Sunoo, he thought. He turned around slowly in his grip, peering at the boy whose eyes were still red from sobbing so hard for him last night.
Like this, maybe nothing had changed. And Ni-ki felt better. He looked at the clock and choked back a gasp at how long he had slept for. He got nervous suddenly, normally he was always up hours before any schedule they had and he now realized he had no idea what time they had to be up.
He heard a knock at his door, a fist much louder than the one that he had heard last night.
Not wanting to wake Sunoo up, he slowly detached himself from the boy and padded softly to the door.
“Shh!!! You’ll wake Sunoo up.” He said as he opened it and stepped outside into the hallway.
“Sunoo-hyung,” Sunghoon corrected. His brow furrowed. “Wait? Why is he in your room?”
Ni-ki smiled slyly. He suddenly realized how he could pay Sunoo back for listening to his thoughts last night and the great rest he had gotten. He opened the door slightly, revealing Sunoo curled up in his sheets like a squirrel. Once he saw Sunghoon’s eyes widen and mouth open slightly, he closed the door quietly.
He patted the shorter boy on the shoulder, “don’t worry Hyung, we’ll be up soon.” Ni-ki poured himself and Sunoo two cups of coffee before opening his door and shutting it in front of Sunghoon’s frozen figure.
Sunoo woke up to the sound of the mugs hitting Ni-ki’s nightstand. He blearily sat up, rubbing his eyes.
“Where the fuck am I?”
Ni-ki laughed, smoothing out his bed hair, all thoughts of keeping Sunoo at arm’s length forgotten.
He smirked, leaning down toward him, “don’t tell me you forgot about last night?”
Sunoo slapped him, sitting up and grabbing a coffee mug. He took a sip, tasting it slowly, eyeing Ni-ki.
“So?”
Ni-ki hummed, taking a sip of his own coffee, pulling up their schedule on his phone.
“..Do you feel any better?”
“Hmmm. I do. I think you were right, Hyung.”
Sunoo beamed at him.
“But what made me feel even better was Sunghoon’s expression when he saw you in my bed this morning.”
Sunoo paled. “S-Sunghoon-hyung..” he stammered. “What did you tell him?”
Ni-ki giggled. “Nothing, of course, why was I supposed to?” Ni-ki bent to whisper in his ear in case Sunghoon was secretly listening, which he wouldn’t put past him.
“I thought maybe you could use a little push, how is that you’ve still made no progress with him in 5 years?”
Sunoo pushed him away, pulling back the covers so he could stand up.
Ni-ki fondly remembered the first time he had had his heart broken so well. Sunoo’s whispered confession to him for the boy in the bunk bed not 3 feet away. His first love had come to him so quickly and he had lost it just as fast. But now, as he watched Sunoo fiddle with a thread on his sheets and a blush spread across his cheeks all he wanted was for him to be happy. As happy as he had made the young teenager 1,000 kilometers from his home who couldn’t sleep alone. As happy Sunoo continued to make him, even if their relationship had changed. Because they didn’t need to be as close as they were then to still feel the same way about each other. Sunoo would always be there for him, even if he didn’t want him to be, and Ni-ki would always be there for him too. And he would try to get closer, to stop cheering Sunoo on from afar. Evidently, he still had one or two things Ni-ki could help him with. One being his crush’s long lasting puppy love.
“Shut up, Ni-ki, I’m trying.”
“I can help you..”
Sunoo blushed again, looking away, “h-how?”
Ni-ki grinned, “you’re the actor, just play along.”
Sunoo looked at him blankly and then yelped when Ni-ki suddenly pushed him back against the bed.
Ni-ki smirked as Sunghoon burst into their room, no doubt he hadn’t gone far since his discovery.
Sunghoon, red in the face, grabbed Sunoo’s hand, pulling him off the bed, “Ni-ki, we have to leave in 20 minutes, control yourself.”
Sunoo turned back to look at Ni-ki grinning and waving at him as he let Sunghoon pull him out into the hallway only to be thrust into his room.
“Sunghoonie-hyung?” Sunoo tried to pull his arm from his hand but Sunghoon wouldn’t let go until he had thrown Sunoo onto his own bed.
Sunoo looked up at his Hyung’s flustered face with wide eyes.
“Hyung? What?”
Sunghoon shook his head at him in frustration before kneeling on his own bed, approaching Sunoo who backed himself against his headboard the closer he got.
“What were you doing in his room?”
Sunoo looked around, trying not to meet his eyes, pupils darting wildly as he felt himself flushing up to his ears.
“I-I was ju—”
Sunghoon cut him off, cursing as he bit his lip and looked down, shaking his head.
“It doesn’t matter, tonight you’re in mine.” he said as he looked up at Sunoo with an intense expression on his face that Sunoo had never seen before.
Sunoo nodded rapidly at him, more than happy to oblige. He had only wanted to help Ni-ki, the boy he still considered his real brother, no matter how different their relationship looked from how it started, but it seemed like he was getting something out of it as well.