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The freezing cold of the rain did nothing to soothe Mariam’s emotional state as she walked numbly towards the church rectory, her tears the only warmth she could feel on her skin.
Her nightmare of a day had begun this morning at her restaurant job when a customer had screamed at her and cursed her out for bringing her the wrong dish, even though the receipt matched what she had brought out. To make it worse, this individual had chosen to do this in front of about six other families, not including their own.
Mariam had apologized and came back with the corrected item before heading back into the kitchen with tears in her eyes. Her manager had assured her that she had done nothing wrong and that sometimes customers could be jerks. He let her go on break early to collect herself, but it didn’t do much.
After work she went to her dorm to work on an essay for her English composition class. She was about halfway into the ten thousand word document about the cons of embalming corpses when somehow, someway, she deleted the entire thing.
Mariam tried to fix it, but no matter how many times she hit the undo button, her essay did not reappear. Several hours of work and annotations and sources right down the drain. While she had a separate document with all her sources still on it, she would still have to rewrite nearly six thousand words.
Just lovely, she thought, not even attempting to keep from crying as she paced around in her dorm room alone. Her roommate was at class, and had work until the wee hours of the morning after that so Mariam would be on her own until them.
The familiar itch to open her skin flicked through her mind, and Mariam glanced toward the bathroom. “No,” she said out loud to herself. She reached up to her shoulder and ran her fingers over the most recent ones that she’d done. There were, of course, numerous more littered over the insides and outsides of her thighs, but her shoulder was the newest location she’d cut. She closed her eyes and said a few Hail Marys and a prayer to Saint Michael in her mind before taking a breath and sitting down on her bed.
It had been almost three months since she’d cut herself, and she wasn’t about to break her streak over some assignment. She also really didn’t want to have to inform Father John that she’d fallen into her old habits again. He’d been very helpful in her journey to stop cutting, even when she messed up the first few weeks she tried and fell back into it, he’d been so supportive. He was always there to listen to her when she needed it, pray with her and for her whenever she asked, and hadn’t done anything to make her weary around him.
Mariam’s phone buzzed on the bed. It was her friend Danny asking if she was still available to help him study for their botany class. She texted back a quick reply telling him she’d be there in twenty minutes before getting off the bed. Mariam had been friends with Danny for a few months after meeting him in their botany class. He wasn’t exactly good at memorizing the details of various bits of foliage and branches they needed to know for their upcoming test.
Five minutes later, Mariam’s hair was brushed, shoes on, and walked out the door. His apartment wasn’t far and it was still light out so she wasn’t worried about walking there. She looked up at the sky and noticed the dark clouds that had formed on the horizon. Based on how dark and extensive the clouds were, it was going to be a pretty bad storm. She picked up her pace a bit and finally made it to Danny’s apartment.
He opened the door and greeted her as she stepped inside. Once they were both inside, they got straight to studying.
“I still don’t understand how you can tell the difference between these two leaves. They look exactly the same.” He said after about an hour of work.
“It’s not that hard, just count the needles,” she said, holding up the flashcards with close up pictures of two types of leaves on them.
“Okay….what about them?” He asked dumbly.
Mariam scoffed. “Are there the same number on both?”
“No…the one on the left has three and the right has two…..”
“And which type of pine typically has three needles per fascicle?”
“Long leaf pine…”
“There you go, you’re getting it.” Mariam assured. “It’s just about remembering which distinct features belong to what. Don’t memorize what is common, pay attention to what isn’t.” Mariam flipped through the cards and found another set.
“Alright, what about these?” She asked as she held them up. Danny scooted closer to her to get a better look at the two plants.
“They both have look similar…..they both have flat clusters of white flowers….” He plucked the card from between Mariam’s fingers, “but the stems look different and….a-ha! This one has red spots on the stem while this one has the hairs, so this one is hemlock and this one is wild carrot.”
Mariam clapped her hands a few times with a smile. “You got one! My work here is done!”
“Woah, woah wait, I need a lot more help than just one,” Danny stated, “I’m going to fail this test if I can’t get these, and you’re my only hope of memorizing them. Can you please help me?” He practically begged.
“Of course. Can we take a break though?” Mariam asked.
“Yeah, sure. Do you want to watch a show or something?”
“Alright. But just one episode, we need to study.”
“Right.”
Mariam and Danny stood from their seats at the kitchen table and sat down on the couch. As the episode of Nurse Jackie progressed, she noticed him subtly scooting closer to her. Mariam kept her eyes on the screen and scooted away a bit. This when on for the entire episode.
When it had ended and Mariam went to stand so they could get back to studying, Danny suddenly grabbed her hand and pulled her back down. “Wait,” he said.
“What is it?”
He looked into her eyes for a few moments too long before speaking. “We’re really good friends, right?” He asked.
“Yes…I guess so.” Mariam responded, slowly trying to pull her hand out of his.
“Do you ever think we could be….more?”
Mariam furrowed her eyebrows. She understood exactly what he was asking her, but the notion was nearly repulsive to her. She was not at all attracted to men.
“No. Not at all. Danny, I enjoy you as a friend and a person, but I don’t think we could be more.” She said it gently in an effort to be nice to him, but she knew this was about to go downhill.
Danny scrunched his eyebrows. “Why not? Come on Mariam, go on one date with me, just one. Then we can come back here and see what happens…” he attempted to stroke the inside of her wrist and Mariam snatched it away and stood up.
“Danny, I don’t want to date you. You’re nice, but I’m just not interested in you like that.” She started backing up but Danny followed her, getting more agitated.
“Why not? Am I not good enough? I’ve treated you so well as a friend, better than most guys would treat a girl, why won’t you give me a chance?” He started walking towards Mariam, and ended up backing her into a corner.
“I’m just not interested in you like that. I’m sure…I’m sure you can make a girl very happy, but I don’t want to date you.” Mariam tried to offer a sweet smile in an attempt to deescalate him, but it was useless.
Danny went still and for a few moments they both just stood still, looking at each other. Then without warning, he grabbed the back of her head and kissed her, shoving his lips almost painfully into hers. Mariam shoved him away and slapped him across the cheek.
“Are you out of your mind?” She yelled at him as he touched his cheek, trying to recover. He suddenly rounded on her and grabbed her. She tried to push him away but he clocked her in the face, landing solidly on her cheekbone. Mariam stumbled back and scrambled for the door.
“After everything I’ve done for you, after how nice I’ve been, this is how you repay me? Not even with one kiss? You know, you were lucky it was me,” Danny said harshly, pointing to himself, “You know, every other guy you know is only friends with you for one reason. You want to know why? Because they want to sleep with you. They just want to get in your bed and the second you let them in they’ll dump you.”
Mariam shook her head as her back hit the door and her hand struggled to find the lock.
“We could have been so much more, but you had to ruin it. I don’t need you. No one does.” He hissed. “Now get out of my appartment before I force you out.” Mariam sniffled and opened the door, nearly falling out of the room. Danny slammed the door behind her and for a moment Mariam just sat on the cold concrete ground. It had started raining hard outside and thundering. Clearly, the storm from earlier had arrived.
Mariam started walking. Not to her dorm. Not to a bus stop. She just walked, letting the rain soak her. She knew if she went back to her dorm right now, she would relapse. No one would be there to stop her. She walked like that for a while as the night got progressively darker.
Eventually, her feet took her somewhere familiar, safe: the church. She suddenly had an idea. Almost unconsciously, she started making her way toward the front door of the rectory, tears streaming down her cheeks. She got to it and rang the doorbell once before knocking a few times, and after a few moments it opened.
For a second both she and father John stared at eachother, she relieved to see him, and he probably shocked to see her. She let out a sob and threw herself into his arms, shaking. He wrapped his arms around her and said something, but Mariam didn’t hear it. He held her for a minute before pulling her inside and looking at her, stepping closer and cupping her cheek.
“Mariam, what happened?”
Mariam sniffled, trying to find her voice and the words to describe the nightmare of a day she’d had.
“I…I told a friend I didn’t want to date him, and this morning a customer at work screamed at me in front of a bunch of people, and then I accidentally deleted an essay for my English composition class that was halfway done so now I have to start over again, and- and”
She sobbed and collapsed back into father John’s arms, absolutely destroyed as she processed it.
“I’ve just had a really bad day.” She winced out.
“Sounds like it…” he responded. He let Mariam continue sobbing into his chest for a few minutes, stroking her hair and holding her close as she broke down. Eventually, she managed to calm down enough to where she was only sniffling, but she was still upset.
After a while he pushed her away a bit but still had his hands on her shoulders. “Mariam, do you want to dry off and change? I can grab some dry clothes from the donation box and make hot chocolate while you change.” His voice was so gently and so kind. Mariam nodded sadly and let him lead her to the bathroom, leaving her to go get the clothes before returning and setting them on the counter.
“Feel free to shower if you’d like, I’ll be out here if you need anything.” Father John’s voice and eyes were so reassuring, and Mariam just nodded. He stepped forward and pressed a soft kiss to her temple before leaving her to change and shower.
After the door closed, Mariam just stood there for a second as she tried to process what was happening. She hadn’t really expected father John to be awake right now, much less let her inside to use his shower and change while he made hot chocolate.
Mariam collected herself and turned on the shower. She was freezing cold, to the point where the lukewarm water from the shower felt burning for a second before she adjusted to it, letting the warmth wash over her and clean the rain and tears and Danny’s touch down the drain.
Once Mariam felt sufficiently warm and clean, she stepped out of the shower, dried, and dressed. She really didn’t want to be alone for any longer than necessary with her mind.
Mariam walked into the living room and found father John on the couch reading a book and sipping his hot chocolate. Mariam took the remaining mug from the table and sipped it. It was good. Perfectly sweet and rich and the perfect temperature.
“Feel better?” Father John asked as he set his book down and pat the space on the couch next to him. Mariam nodded and sat next to him, taking another swig before responding.
“A bit better physically. My head doesn’t hurt anymore, but that was probably just from the crying.” Mariam responded; adding a touch of humor to her voice to lighten the statement.
“That’s good to hear.” Father John responded, “How about emotionally?” Mariam side eyed him, sipping her drink as she collected her thoughts.
“About the same as earlier but not as….intense, if that makes sense. It’s like when soda goes flat; it still tastes pretty much the same, but it isn’t trying to bite the inside of your mouth anymore.” The simile was a near perfect comparison to what was happening in her mind.
Father John shook his head a bit. “I will truly never understand your affinity for flat soda.” Mariam rolled her eyes and scoffed, setting her empty mug down. Of course he would enjoy carbonated beverages, that was probably the whole reason he drank them. He probably enjoyed plain carbonated water.
“Thats not the point.” Mariam quipped, “The point is, I feel more….stable, I think. Like, I’m still not great, but I’m better than earlier.” She explained. Father John nodded and spoke.
“That’s good. You…you are welcome to stay here tonight, if you’d like.” He said slowly, almost unsure. Mariam raised her eyebrows. Surely having a girl stay the night alone with you was against the rules of being a priest.
“Are you sure? Is that even allowed?” Mariam asked.
“Technically…probably not,” he stated, confirming her suspicions, “but I’m concerned about you. I’d much rather have you here and know you’re safe and doing better than not know how you are.” His words soothed Mariam’s mind a bit. He wanted her to stay. He cared about her enough to potentially be breaking the rules for her.
She smiled and laid her head on father John’s shoulder. “Thank you. That would help a lot, even if it’s just not being alone.”
The two sat quietly for a few minutes, Mariam curled snuggly against his side while father John sipped on his hot chocolate and ran his fingers through her hair. The scene was so peaceful that she couldn’t resist just closing her eyes for a little bit, feeling completely safe with him.
“Mariam?” Father John asked after a bit. Mariam made a noise back at him and cracked her eyes open in response, not wanting to disturb the tranquillity too much. “How did you get that mark on your cheek?”
Oh. Right. Mariam had almost forgotten about the whole incident while she was snuggled up against father John, and hadn’t realized it had bruised so obviously. She tensed and tucked herself a little closer to him before she spoke, praying he wouldn’t get upset.
“I was…one of my friends and I were talking, and then the topic shifted to relationships. He tried to ask me out but I said no…I didn’t tell him it was because I’m not interested in men, but he kept trying to get me to say yes. When I told him to stop he said….he said all the other guys who were friends with me also only wanted to sleep with me….I tried to walk away but he grabbed me and when I pushed him away…..” She pointed to her cheek, the throbbing in which she had become much more aware of in the short span of the exchange.
“Did he hit you?” Father John’s voice was concerned, but Mariam could feel the edge of anger on it. She nodded slowly, shamefully. She could have prevented Danny from clocking her if she just hadn’t made him so upset.
“Maybe if I just said yes, just to a date, he wouldn’t have done it and I could still be friends with him….” Her voice was small and quiet. She felt father John pull her closer to his chest like he was trying to protect her and take her pain away. He tilted her face upward so she was looking at him.
“Mariam, that wasn’t your fault.” The words sliced deep into her because part of her didn’t believe them. She could have done something different. But she didn’t.
“If you had gone on a date with him, he might have tried to pressure you into more. You said no and he responded the wrong way. You did nothing wrong.” He continued.
His voice was so sure, so final, but Mariam still had trouble believing it. Her lip trembled and she was fighting tears as she listened silently.
“But…what if it’s true?” She asked.
“What if what’s true?”
“What if all my other male friends only hang out with me because…because they want to sleep with me? How do I fix that?” Mariam couldn’t figure out if Danny’s words matched her other friends’ actions. On the one hand, they probably didn’t want her like that, at least not most of them, but on the other….
Father John let out a long sigh. “I can’t tell you if that’s true or not. But judging by the people you tend to attract and who you enjoy being around, they don’t stay around you because they want a physical relationship with you.”
“But my friend who tried to ask me out did….” Mariam pointed out.
“And his ego was bruised when you declined, so he wanted to make you feel like you don’t have a genuine connection with any other man.” He rebutted.
That clicked something in Mariam’s brain. The more she thought about all her interatcions with Danny, the more she noticed his efforts to isolate her. But it hadn’t worked. She’d still managed a bond with father John.
She looked up at father John, eyes wide and a slight smirk on her lips. “You’re a man….and I have a genuine connection with you…he must’ve forgotten about that vow of chastity you took at ordination.”
Father John chuckled and ruffled her hair, looking down at her with such affection it almost made her want to start crying again.
“Yes, but even without it, to see someone only for what you can get from them, be it physically, emotionally, financially, or anything else is just….empty. It’s next to impossible to form genuine and meaningful relationships with others when all you’re concerned about is how much the other person can benefit you.” He explained to her.
That made sense. Come to think of it, father John had never asked anything of Mariam that wouldn’t benefit her in some way. It was how she imagined it felt to be a dog loved by someone; you never really had to prove anything or do anything in order to be loved by the person, you just were. The only times you ever experienced any pain were ultimately for your own good.
“Animals are so much better than people….” Mariam said to herself, “if they hurt you, it’s usually because you did something wrong. People will hurt you for fun.” That last sentence was a lesson she had learned many times in her short life. From school bullies who mistreated her for no reason to people who she thought were her friends only to find out they kept her around to use for entertainment purposes, she’d been through a lot.
Father John sighed. “But even they understand connection past what one can provide them. A dog will still listen to and defend its owner, even if they are too poor to feed them.”
“They’re so much easier to be around…” Mariam stated,“they’re so simple to understand and respond to, and they rarely hide things the way people do….people can make things worse, even when they mean to help.”
Father John didn’t say anything right away. That was one of the reasons Mariam connected to him and felt comfortable around him, he never rushed his words. He was always careful when he spoke, ensuring it was worded and toned just right.
When he did speak, his voice was softer than it normally was, curious. “Why did you come here? You could’ve gone back to your dorm and talked with your roommate about this, or gone home and spoken with your parents…..why the rectory?”
She thought for a moment. It was because she knew he would be there, of course, but how could she explain why she needed to be with him in that moment?
“Because I knew you’d be here.” She said at last, “You dont make things hurt more. My parents….they can be helpful, but it usually stings more than it’s worth. My roommate can relate to me, but she’s a bit…chatty, shall we say. I love her, but I know she’ll just be focused on the dramatic aspects of it. But you…”
Mariam tilted her head up and looked at father John’s face, studying him. His gentle, kind blue eyes with crinkles at the corners from years of laughing, the set of his mouth as he listened to her, really listened.
“It doesn’t feel costly to talk to you.” She noted, “Your advice and comfort and presence feel free. I just…I knew it wouldn’t hurt me more to be with you…I knew you wouldn’t make it worse the way others might’ve.”
Father John looked down at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. His eyes flitted over her face and he pulled her more snuggly into his chest, wrapped his arms around her a bit tighter and tucked her head under his chin with his nose in her hair.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” He said. She could feel his lips brushing against her forehead with every word he spoke. “You…you have no idea what that means to me…” His voice was brittle at the end, and he sounded like he might cry. He kissed her hair and forehead and temples like she was the most immaculate being there could ever be. Mariam just enjoyed it, leaning into his hold and his touch. He felt so safe to her.
They settled back into a silence with each other, the only noises being their breathing and the storm outside. Mariam’s eyes got heavy and she let them close, leaning her head against father John’s collarbone. She dozed off to the feelings of his fingers combing through her hair and his warmth seeping into her body, perfectly safe.
At some point in the night, Mariam woke up laying down on his chest. She picked her head up and looked at his now sleeping face. One of his arms was draped over her back, while the other was tangled him her hair. Mariam did her best not to move either of them, not at all wanting to lose contact with him.
She put her head back down in his chest and just watched his face and listened to his heartbeat for a bit. He looked so peaceful, so calm. His entire presence embodied the verse from Corinthians describing love.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not rude, self seeking, or quick tempered.
Love never fails.
Father John had never failed to be there for Mariam. Even in the middle of a storm at nearly ten o’clock at light, he’d welcomed her into his home, dressed her, warmed her, comforted her. He’d been there for her. He listened, sacrificed his own peace to help her. He loved her.
Mariam had never been good at gauging people’s emotions toward her and usually assumed they were negative based on past experience, but father John never made her feel that. His intentions and perception of her were clear in the best way possible.
He truly loved her.
Not in a sexual or romantic way, but in a pure, selfless way. And she loved him back.
Mariam knew she could probably never repay him for what he did, but she knew in her heart she didn’t have to. All she had to do was come to him, and he would always be there.