Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Welcome to a highly specific, definitely accidental slice of the multiverse.
No powers. No X-Jet. No super suits. Just emotional damage, several questionable housing choices, and the slow, painful realization that cohabitation is harder than fighting Magneto with mind lasers.

Except... Magneto is here.
And he lives upstairs.
And no, he and Charles are NOT dating.
They just... have breakfast together. In matching robes.
On Sundays.
Shut up.

This is not a team.
This is not a household.
This is definitely not a family.
It is a collection of unfortunate roommates who will DIE before admitting they care about each other. 
In the same way that a tornado and a fireworks factory are "roommates."

Meet the tenants. Do not call them a family. Seriously. They will bite.

CHARLES XAVIER:

• Wise. Bald. Permanently tired.

• Tries to be the calm center of the chaos.

• Ends up being the exhausted guidance counselor/dad/RA of the house.

• Believes every issue can be solved with tea and talking.

• Is wrong 90% of the time.

• Issues vague “punishments/threats” like “I’m disappointed in you”, "I will get the spoon", "You are banned from yelling about the cereal until you meditate in the hallway for 5 minutes.", and “I think you should reflect on your behavior.”

• Thinks that’s effective. It is not.

• Hates using the weird chair lift to get upstairs, but won't install an elevator. 

• Has a labeled “Punishment Chart” on the fridge no one takes seriously except for Scott.

• Also has a labeled 'Punishment Spoon' that Bobby swears he is going to break. He has not.

• Charles: “We cannot have pizza six days in a row.”
  Everyone else: “So what I’m hearing is—SEVEN.”

LOGAN:

• Is Logan. Still angry. Still hairy. Still has too many knives.

• His official job in the house is “threat display.”

• Owns forty-two knives.

• Stabs first, grunts later.

• Sleeps in weird places (behind the dryer, under the porch, ON the porch in winter just to "prove a point").

• Smells like smoke, whiskey, and "bad choices."

• Can and will eat your pizza, your leftover Chinese, and your soul.

• Growls at anyone who sits in his chair (which is all chairs).

• Will stab your date if they don’t hold the door open for you.

• Frequently smells like leather, rage, and grilled meat.

• He has been banned from three supermarkets and two farmers' markets.

• Has never paid rent, utilities, or attention.

• Refers to all forms of breakfast food as “trash.” Eats them anyway.

• Definitely stabbed a watermelon once because it “looked at him funny.”

• Refers to Jubilee as “the kid” and threatens any male under 30 who looks at her for more than 2 seconds.

• Jubilee: “You cannot growl at people through the phone, that’s not how phones work.”
  Logan: “…grrr.”

SCOTT SUMMERS:

• The only one who thinks he’s a responsible adult.

• Wears glasses because he actually needs them, not to prevent catastrophic optic blasts anymore.

• Color-codes the cleaning schedule.

• Only one who shows up to House Meetings.

• Shares a room with Jean. They are NOT dating.

• They just happen to wake up at the same time. And cook for each other. And get into couple’s arguments about salad dressing.

• Again: NOT DATING.

• Will cry if someone leaves dishes in the sink.

JEAN GREY:

• The tired girlfriend-of-no-one.

• Talks people down from meltdowns with tea, sarcasm, and thinly veiled threats.

• Once threw a frying pan at Logan. No regrets.

• Is the only one who can shut Bobby up by raising an eyebrow.

• Secretly the most dangerous one in the house.

• More willing to use Charles' 'Punishment spoon' then he is. 

• Also has a collection of “I’m Not Your Mom But Clean This Mess Right Now” t-shirts.

BOBBY DRAKE:

• The chaos child.

• Age: ?? Emotional maturity: 5.

• Thinks glitter is a food group.

• Constantly prank-wars Kitty and accidentally sets the microwave on fire monthly.

• Once tried to ice skate in the kitchen in socks.

• Boiled a Pop-Tart once. Set the oven on fire a different time making ice cubes.

• Believes meals should be 75% sugar and 25% whatever you can microwave at 3AM.

• Founded “The Council of Household Anarchy,” which meets in the laundry room and consists solely of Bobby, two Roombas, a robot lawnmower, and a broken Alexa.

• Keeps ordering 100-count popsicle packs and labeling them “EMERGENCY SUPPLY.”

• Charles banned him from using the blender.

• He uses it anyway.

ERIK LEHNSHERR:

• Rents the attic. Allegedly.

• Spends 90% of his time brooding by windows and monologuing about society.

• Pretends he’s too dignified to participate in the chaos but absolutely started the Great Casserole War of 2022.

• Also: NOT IN LOVE WITH CHARLES.

• They just go on long walks and argue philosophy and sometimes fall asleep on the same couch during documentaries.

• Erik keeps claiming he's “above this nonsense.”

• Still shows up to every argument in a silk robe and slippers.

KITTY PRYDE:

• The chaos gremlin.

• Has access to all air vents and uses them like a squirrel mafia boss.

• Runs an underground snack ring.

• Installed fake security cameras to mess with Scott.

• Once created a PowerPoint titled “This House Is A Crime Scene” with bullet points and crime scene tape.

• No one knows where she goes at night.

• Once changed Logan’s ringtone to "Barbie Girl." He didn’t notice for three weeks.

• Probably has dirt on everyone.

REMY LeBEAU:

• Sleight-of-hand flirt gremlin.

• Will flirt with a door if it creaks in a sultry way.

• Tries to be mysterious. Trips over the coffee table once a week.

• Claims to be “helping” in the kitchen. Has never boiled water successfully. (The house is divided on whether he should be banned from the stove.)

• Got banned from every local bar except the one run by someone who thinks he’s “exotic.”

• Also might be married? No one’s sure. Not even him.

Hank Mcoy:

• Legal Doctor, not blue this time. 

• Tired. Very. Tired. 
• Gave up on them eating healthy in 1999.
• Also gave up on Logan EVER letting him examine him.  

Anna-Marie:

• Still wears gloves. Still won't hug you (though this time, its not because her touch could kill you).

• Threatens to punch people who ask why.

• Is the queen of “emotionally repressed southern discomfort.”

• Actually gives really good advice, then runs away before you can say thank you.

• Sleeps with headphones on to block out Logan’s midnight knife sharpening.

• Absolutely the scariest person in the house. In a good way. Mostly.

JUBILEE:

• The actual teenager in a house of emotionally volatile weirdos. 

• Balancing algebra homework and dealing with Charles's house rules like a pro.

• Has five burner phones Logan hasn’t found yet.

• Every date ends in Logan “just happening to be in the area” with an axe.

• Has a spreadsheet of boys Logan scared away. It’s color-coded and long.

• Once tried to sue the household for “emotional sabotage.”

• Does not get an allowance because Charles forgot to give her one. Instead, she steals Remy's credit cards. 

• Might be the most mature person here. Hates that for herself.

ORORO MUNROE:

• Regal. Elegant.

• Too powerful for this mess but stuck here out of pity or vengeance, no one’s sure.

• Still manages to wear flowing robes and dramatic earrings during cereal arguments.

• Once cleared a room by sighing loudly.

• Probably controls the weather emotionally, no powers needed.

Weekly events include:

• “Therapy Thursdays,” where Charles tries to make everyone talk about feelings and is immediately screamed at.

• Scott trying to enforce “Quiet Hours” and Bobby immediately starting a party in the hallway.

• Jean chasing Remy with a broom. Again.

• Jubilee blasting angsty playlists labeled “I LIVE WITH DINOSAURS.”

• Anna-Marie fake-moving out and texting “don’t touch my snacks” thirty minutes later.

• Logan replacing all the knives again because someone used one to cut a tomato.

• Anna-Marie casually moving out every Wednesday and moving back in by Friday because "the world sucks more."

• "Game Night” (NO IT’S NOT FAMILY NIGHT, SHUT UP — ends in tears and Monopoly-related bloodshed.)

• “Who Ate My Leftovers?” (Realistically? Logan. Emotionally? Bobby.)

• "The Great Sock Rebellion" (A mutiny triggered by laundry-related injustices.)

• "Who Will Cave and Take Out the Trash First?" (It's Jean. It's almost always Jean)

House Rules:

• Dishes must be cleaned eventually. As must laundry.

• Erik and Charles may only argue once per day and not during meals.

• Bobby is banned from all  cooking.

• If you light something on fire, you have to explain it to Charles.

• No psychological warfare before 9AM (Bobby’s loophole: "Memes are NOT warfare").

• NO calling it “family dinner.”

• NO suggesting Charles and Erik “just get married already.”

• NO implying that Logan is the emotional glue of the house. (He is.)

• Logan cannot threaten anyone under 18. (Even if they look like a punk.)

• Jubilee’s room is a glitter-free zone. Violation is punishable by confetti cannon.

• Leave a sock on the door if you are going to have 'just a friend' over. 

• They are NOT a family. Stop writing it on the whiteboard.

Sleeping Arrangements:

• Erik has “his” attic (read: Charles gave up trying to make him sleep in a room like a normal human).

• Logan sleeps wherever he drops. Sofa? Garden? Bathtub? Middle of an argument? Yes.

• Anna-Marie keeps “moving out” dramatically, only to come back because “at least these idiots get my coffee order right.”

• Charles sleeps sitting up.
• Hank soundproofed his room. 

• Scott and Jean insist it’s totally normal for two roommates to share one bed and six throw blankets.

• Bobby once set up a tent in the living room and declared it a sovereign nation. Jubilee recognized it diplomatically for a $5 Starbucks card.

This isn’t a sitcom.
It’s not a found family.
It’s barely legal cohabitation.

But somehow...
they’re still here.
Still arguing.
Still not admitting a single thing.

Are they happy?
No.
Are they leaving?
Also no.
Are they a family?
HOW DARE YOU.