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Jin frowned into the mirror as he made a mistake in the dance routine..again. He was alone in the dance studio for the third night in a row. His limbs were ready to collapse but it wasn’t enough, it still wasn’t perfect.
(You’ll never be perfect)
Every time he considered giving up, the words ‘we can’t dance line’ kept replaying in his head. They were supposed to be a dance-focused group, fans raved about their dance all the time. How was he supposed to be part of this group when he couldn’t even do basic dance moves without looking like an idiot?
He looked in the mirror again taking in his sweat soaked body. He knew as an idol, taking care of your body is important. After all, he always nagged the maknae line about it. Nagging, at least that was one thing he could do properly he thought to himself bitterly.
He was about to start the music again (getting ready to fail again, he thought to himself.) when a voice interrupted his dark train of thought.
“Seokjin-hyung, what are you doing here?” A concerned voice asked.
Seokjin looked up, and suddenly noticed Hoseok standing by the door, a worried look on his face.
Jung Hoseok was everything Seokjin hoped to be. His dance skills were phenomenal, he was amazing as a rapper and as if to add insult to injury even his singing voice was beautiful.
Seokjin wanted to hate him, he really did. But he couldn’t, no one could hate Hoseok, with his sunshine personality. Plus, he was the only other person in the dorm who cared about cleanliness and proper nutrition as much as Seokjin. Jin always knew when he needed to rant about messy and pig-like their members were, Hoseok would always be there for him.
(But at the end of the day, you’re the one who’s actually like a pig.)
“Seokjin-hyung. Hello anyone home?” Hoseok asked waving his hand in front of Jin’s face. The older’s lack of response had caused the dancer to move closer.
Seokjin shook his head, and put on a smile (even though it didn’t reach his eyes.) “It’s nothing Hoseok-ah.” He said reassuringly. “Just a little extra practice. This new choreography is killing me”
“Are you sure hyung?” Hoseok asked. “We have a radio show, tomorrow morning. Won’t you be too tired?”
“Don’t bother about me. I’ll be there bright and chirpy” Seokjin said with (fake) laugh.
(Not that it would make a difference whether you were there or not.)
“If you’re practicing, can I join you?” Hoseok asked. “It might be more fun with more people.” He suggested,
(Fun for him maybe. For you it’s just embarrassing.)
Seokjin wanted to protest but he could never deny the younger man “Sure” he said with a weak smile.
Seokjin sighed as he messed up for the 100th time. He could feel Hoseok’s sympathetic gaze on his back and that just made him want to lash out even more. He just wanted to tell the younger boy to go back to dorm and rest instead of throwing a one-man pity party for Seokjin.
Seokjin was about to replay the track when Hoseok’s hand stopped him.
“Hyung are you okay? You don’t look so great” Hoseok asked, eyes filled with concern.
(You’re supposed to be a visual, but you can’t even look good. What else do you have? Nothing, absolutely nothing.)
“So I guess I have no purpose then, if I can’t even look good.” Seokjin said with a dry laugh. “Just a dead weight, dragging you guys down.”
Seokjin ignored Hoseok’s horrified look and continued. He had kept this inside himself for too long.
“Namjoon and Yoongi, they used to be underground rappers. They are able to express everything they feel through rap. The fans love how meaningful their music is. You make the whole room stop and stare at you when you dance. Taehyung and Jimin are able to make anyone laugh. They fill up the whole room with their personalities. And don’t even get me started on the Golden Maknae.” He said sarcastically. “That leaves me, you know what my special talent is Hoseok-ah? Stuffing myself like a pig while the people ask for everyone else, pretending not to care when the fans don’t even care about me, when people call me useless. You know why I don’t react; because it’s all true.” By the time Seokjin finished, he was almost screaming,. He face blanched as he realized what he had done. He had just spilled out everything in the open. He knew what would happen now, the pity hug and empty comforting words.
However instead, his porcelain cheek was met with an angry slap. Instead of pity, anger danced across Hoseok’s features.
“Hyung, how can you even say that you’re dragging us down? Your singing voice is beautiful. You are the glue that holds our group together. You’re always there when someone feels down. Even if we all tease you, we respect your opinion, that’s why we come to you when we have a problem, all of us even Namjoon when he can’t handle his leader responsibilities, you’re the first one he goes to. Even if you are stupidly oblivious to the effect you have on the group, you do .” Hoseok took a deep breath before continuing.
“You don’t have fans; that’s the most stupid thing I have ever heard you say. Maybe they aren’t loud and rambunctious. Maybe they’re just like you; quiet, kind, enjoying music without having to yell about it. Have you ever thought about that?” Hoseok stopped talking as he realized there were tears running down Seokjin’s face.
The anger in his eyes was now replaced by guilt. He reached out to embrace Seokjin. “I’m sorry hyung” he muttered. “It’s just that I hate it when you beat yourself. When will you realize that we need you?” Hoseok whispered into Seokjin’s shoulder. “I need you.” He added in his head too chicken to say the words out loud.
Seokjin resisted the urge to continue crying. He knew Hoseok’s words were not fuelled from pity and as pathetic as it was, the dancer’s genuine approval made all the difference.
It had been almost a minute since Hoseok had started this hug, but the younger boy showed no sign of letting go anytime soon. Jin waited for his dark inner voice to make a comment but it seemed to disappear here, in Hoseok’s arms.