Work Text:
Hajime has an odd request for his dear friend:
"Can you hold my hand?"
Minoru pauses mid-writing. The amount of filled pages on his lap could have easily been mistaken for a novel. Furrows his eyebrows, Hajime given a questioning look, but it's not immediately scornful or disgusted.
"May I ask why?"
He shrugs. Struggles to keep his trademark smile alive under the pressure of his racing heart.
"I've never held someone's hand before. No one wants to."
"Might be because they don't want to touch their idol," Minoru responds, the slightest hint of snark behind his remark. Puts that beloved pen of his down, a starry existence that makes Hajime's head hurt. He doesn't like it. "Not even Utsugi?"
"No," Hajime whispers, shaking his head. Minoru's expression doesn't shift from that conclusion. "It's...difficult, for most people to imagine touching me."
Though it's difficult to pin names to expressions, to emotions, the look Minoru gives him is decidedly dead.
"Well," Minoru begins slowly, unsure and deadpan. Puts the papers and pen in his lap on the table before them both. "I don't mind? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to answer..."
Non-believers have no problem in casual blasphemy. Sinners seek it out.
Hajime silently prays as he stands. Takes quick strides, passes the table, and takes a seat next to Minoru. Keeps enough space for decency and comradery between them - a last effort at not falling into desires he shouldn't ever possess.
A beat.
Neither were willing to lift a finger, to move, and Hajime could vomit from the way the tension was reaching down his throat to tie his guts in knots.
If this resumed without end, there'd be nothing left of him dedicated to just God's Love.
So Hajime swallows the hesitance and delicately, carefully and with bated breath, raises his hand-
Brushes his fingers against Minoru's, who extended his hand without word or shift in expression to follow Hajime's lead. Blanker than a fresh page.
Hajime only ever saw the very world painted onto that canvas when faced with Rai. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and he craves hot chocolate.
Fingertips touch and it's electrifying; sends sparks from head to toe, causing his heart to race and the beat it skips has him breathless. Wants more, pressing his palm flat against Minoru's. His lungs misbehave, tightened like the noose this feels like. Interlocks their fingers and lets the warmth bleed into white noise.
No need for his sight, either, always suspiciously present even with closed eyes. Lets the world fade away into pleasant, neutral darkness as their hands become one - ignored the scratching, like paper film, behind his eyelids. As if darkness was but a projection.
Initially thinks to say something when Minoru tries to untangle their heartstrings, perhaps rightfully disgusted, but Hajime stops breathing altogether when Minoru instead presses his thumb to his wrist, to his pulse; traces the river of blue under a layer of mimicry white, the lines that dedicate his existence to humanity despite his constitution. Hajime's fingers twitch with every beat of the drum within him as that same soft thumb delicately moves back up to trace his palmar creases.
His mind betrays:
Noriyuki...
"Ha- uh... Hajime?"
"What?"
He had spat the words out by accident.
Whatever lovely dream he had almost slipped into is lost in the fog that's left behind when Minoru pulls him out of it and into the light of day, into their reality where he needs to start remembering his place as God's Son and not as a person. Minoru must share the sentiment, the way he leans back and away from Hajime. Scared?
Maybe it's because they're closer to each other than Hajime remembers them being.
Minoru lightly tugs his hand away, but can't.
"Are...you okay?"
"I apologize," Hajime says softly, swallowing the bubbling irritation at the back of his throat. His grip doesn't waver, even subconsciously tightening. "I was lost in thought."
"I could...tell. Can you let go of my arm? It's going to bruise, I think."
Hajime purses his lips. Stares.
"You love Isoi Rai, don't you?" Forces their fingers to intertwine, pretends to not see Minoru giving another healf-hearted tug at his hand again with closed eyes. "How do you know you do?"
Minoru blinks, then his eyebrows furrow in what must be confusion.
"I...don't understand the question? You're asking me how I know that I love her? To describe it?"
"Yes. There's symptoms, no?"
Laughs at Hajime's apparent naivety, a little forced and awkward with how he tugs at his arm once more. There's no anger or desperation in it, Hajime doesn't think so.
"Symptoms - you make it sound like it's a bad thing." Contemplates. Then, realization, softly: "You don't know what love feels like?"
"Only God's Love. It's different from Human Love."
Minoru scrunches up his nose, eyes narrowing, and Hajime recalls him making that same face last time he said something that clashed with Minoru's beliefs. Hajime couldn't ever find it within himself to feel offended - sinners are like this, after all: they don't understand holy concepts.
"What's the difference?"
Hajime squeezes Minoru's hand, taking a moment to think - taking a moment to try and find that spark he should stay away from at all costs. Minoru's tense.
"God's Love is pure," he begins confidently, "It's innocent. It's devoting your life to Him and no one else. It's how we should all, ideally, live."
"Like how nuns and priests live, essentially?"
"Yes. Human Love is...diseased. Impure. Primal and instinctive, the embodiment of desire. It's why its symptoms are so awful. Nausea; fever; heartache; sickness; premature death..."
It's hard to know how Minoru will react at any given moment, but laughter certainly isn't what Hajime expected:
"Where did you get that from? Your divorced parents? Love is... I actually wouldn't know how to describe it? There's various types, but at its base always lies caring for someone. You care about a family member, a friend, a lover. It sucks if one of them hurts you, but it's not supposed to be what you've described. Love isn't supposed to hurt, it's supposed to feel good."
"It's driven by emotion," Hajime adds, letting the words sink in but wary of them whilst the sting of mentioned parenthood lays unmentioned, "that's dangerous and brings uncertainty. People kill for Human Love, it's primitive and disgusting."
Minoru grins a bit too smugly at that. "Okay. So what?"
Hajime deadpans, blinks once. "Excuse me?"
"Love is worth fighting for. It's worth fighting another day to see your mom smile, or to see your dad laugh at the next gift you bring him, or whatever. Humans are social beings, and if we didn't connect with others, then we'd go extinct. What, would God just place another Adam and Eve and let history repeat itself with that logic?"
Open; closes; open; closes - Hajime only puffs out air, no words to voice when such statements stump him. It doesn't help how Minoru takes pride in doing such, wiggling his eyebrows in early victory.
"It steers us away from His will," he settles on eventually, hoping he sounds more certain than he actively feels, "too much of it, then, harms us."
"What would be too much?"
Whatever you feel for Rai. Whatever Noriyuki feels for me. Whatever I feel for him and-
Hajime doesn't respond.
Minoru's smugness gradually softens into a less obvious expression, the longer the silence rings. Casts his eyes downward onto their intermingled fingers.
Instead of trying to make Hajime let go, he relaxes his muscles, letting himself be held.
That alone soothed his nerves.
"I'm sorry that something or someone convinced you that love is terrible."
An eye that doesn't exist opened. Hajime remains quiet, beckoning Minoru to add:
"Love should be all about finding those you care about and enjoying your time together. Not the pain you've been described. How awful."
That tone he hears in plenty of people, but couldn't ever know what it's called - used when something is bad. Sadness, it must be. Gives him breathing room, loosening his hold on Minoru just so.
"How does it work? What are its rituals?"
Minoru snorts. It's cute and short, but it's followed up by an impromptu bark of laughter that shakes his shoulders. And with the leeway he's given, slips out of Hajime's grip and presses his thumb to Hajime's palm. His pulse is loud.
"You'll have to be a bit more specific, as it depe-"
"Romantic love."
"Hm!"
Minoru's silent but for a moment, yet it's too long - Hajime sucks in a breath through his teeth and the world comes crashing down with the fact that this is absurd.
"I-"
"It's finding someone you care about and wanting to be a little more. Like a close friend who you wouldn't mind holding hands with, or calling yourselves lovers. You'd like to kiss them, maybe."
Hajime couldn't help but be reminded of how often he thinks about Noriyuki and how he must taste, about those hands that had once held him so tight during one of the worst moments of his life. Those stormy eyes, filled with what can only be love.
"That feels a little underwhelming, compared to movies and books," Hajime comments, managing a smile, "are you leaving details away as to not prove my point of how disgusting it is?"
"It's exaggerated," the other huffs with airy laughter, a smile creeping at the edge of his lips, "it's not that dramatic in real life. Love can get intense, sure, but not like that."
"I see."
They're still too close.
Makes Hajime able to see the subtle rise in Minoru's shoulders, his chest, as he breaths; the gentle fluttering of his eyelids as he blinks; the eyebags he dons, telling many a tale of sleepless nights and caffeine overdoses.
It's a pleasant pause to their daily routine of interviews and idle conversations.
I wish Noriyuki......
He shouldn't be able to feel sick.
"Can you give me examples?"
Minoru's dazed, floating away. "Hm?"
"You mentioned kissing, but there's a lot of places to actually kiss, especially in romance. It's confusing."
He smiles (when had he forgotten to do that?) at the sound of Minoru laughing again.
"I can't tell if that's a genuine question or not."
"It is."
"Well, if we're talking romance.... Every body part counts as kissable if that's agreed upon. The face and hands are simply the more common ones. There's the cheeks; the nose; the forehead; the tip of the nose; the eyelids; obviously the lips; fingers; knuckles, palms; pulse point...."
Hajime is actively sabotaging himself, imagining the ghost of Noriyuki's image kissing him in all those places. Grounded only partially by Minoru's very real touch. It makes his body ache.
"Wait, so...."
He raises his hands up to Minoru's face tentatively, careful of any discomfort, should it arise. There is none, only a raised eyebrow. The sudden lack of warmth makes his head spin.
One settles under Minoru's jaw, cupping his face; the other ghosts over his face:
"Cheeks; nose; nose; eyelids; forehead; lips..."
Traces a delicate finger under Minoru's eye socket, slowly, down to his cheek and stopping at the corner of his upturned lips. Electricity sparks under his skin again, addicting. His eyes linger at upturned lips. Minoru laughs again and Hajime sees stars when their gazes meet.
"You okay?"
Whispers it so softly that Hajime almost mistakes it for the blood coursing in his veins. Minoru opens his mouth again:
"Hajime? Are you o-"
A kiss. Light and hesitant upon Minoru's cheek. Shuts him up.
He breathes against Minoru's skin, overcome with blind panic and paralyzed by the dawning realization of what he'd just done.
What's worse is how his lips tingle pleasantly, how he wants to do it again. Licks them.
"I'm sorry."
Hajime whispers it into Minoru's ear. Both his hands hold his face now, perfectly still. There not a trace of regret in his voice, in his heart and soul. Presses a kiss to the underside of his jaw- pauses, awaits a reaction, and does it again when given none. His face burns like the rest of him, alight with sin, as he pushes Minoru's head up and himself lower just to kiss his neck. Hears how his heart races, his hitching exhalations.
Doesn't know what could happen next, but a thousand possibilities flash in front of his eyes when there's sudden hands on his shoulders that try to push him back - and Hajime gives in to Minoru's will for space.
Minoru can't meet Hajime's eyes.
"Are you okay?" That stupid question is asked again, using that particular tone he uses whenever the topic happens to be Hajime's inhumanity. There's a slight shakiness to it that has Hajime feeling temptation. "You're out of it today."
Only wants to taste him again, like that'll make everything okay - commit it to memory. Wonders if Noriyuki tastes the same. Suppresses the urge to lick his lips, to kiss every part of his face. Desires more.
Human Love shouldn't be so infectious.
"I...."
Eyes flicker upwards; catch the other's and Minoru looks so good in the darkening yellow rays of dusk-
"...I don't know," despite himself, he found himself answering, coming out weirdly choked and panicked with his breaths increasingly short, "I keep- I keep thinking and imagining these sinful things and they- and they scare me. You- Noriyuki-"
"Hajime-"
"You all make me sick!"
Minoru pulls him into a hug and Hajime gives into it, arms wrapping around each other and his face ends up resting in the crook of Minoru's neck. Tries to follow the example of Minoru's slow breaths, but it's difficult to.
A hand combs through his hair, soothing and kind. Lets his vision fade away, welcoming in the darkness that suddenly felt so inviting amongst everything else. It eases the worst of the panic, to not be. Unfortunately does nothing against the burning on the surface of his skin and deep within, especially not when he invites Minoru's warmth in. Breathes in deeply, the scent of ink and old paper. He often finds himself thinking of it.
"...Did I upset you?"
After an irregular heartbeat:
"No, not at all. Just a little confused."
"...Did you dislike me kissing you?"
It's silent for far longer, then. Dizzy, Hajime forgets how to breathe again-
Minoru laughs but it's not happy yet not sad: "It was surprising, definitely, but nothing bad, by any means."
Am I allowed to do it again?
He's disgusting. Can feel the sickness etching itself into his mind, corrupting God's Love and replacing his innocence, one thought at a time. can't stop himself from kissing Minoru's neck again - just one measly lip press. Harmless.
"Hajime....."
Low, laced with something exciting that leaves Hajime wanting to do it just to hear Minoru whisper like that again - shudders. It left sparks in its wake, makes him giddy with a dark kind of mischief rising from the ashes of his holiness and making him want to do it once more, purely to challenge the other.
Doesn't think but acts, kissing Minoru's neck again, and his Adam's apple bobs underneath Hajime's lips.
Unresponsive, he'll take that as a good thing, as a silent yes to resume and give into the littlest temptation. Cups Minoru's face, kisses cheeks that feel like an inferno to the touch. Dares to move upwards, ever confident, and the next spot adored is the tip of Minoru's nose, revealing to Hajime how his eyes have been closed. Kisses his eyelids since it's an open invitation, then his forehead.
Cheeks; nose; nose; eyelids; forehead....
....lips.
The world is tilting upside down as he moves down, mouth ghosting over Minoru's-
And finds himself pushed away last second, hands to his chest.
Hajime feels cold.
"I think that's enough."
It's not it's not it's not it's not-
"Minoru, I-"
Is pushed away some more, until there's space for the holy ghost between them once more.
"It's fine," he's quick to say. Fixes the collar of his sweater. "But that's enough."
There's pinpricks of irritation at the back of his mind, daring him a little more: "you could have pushed me away earlier if you didn't like it."
"It's not that-"
"So you liked me kissing you?"
Suddenly tongue-tied, Minoru kept starting words but not finishing them, going back and forth and looking progressively more frustrated about it until he groans and presses his hands against his face.
Eventually:
"....It's complicated."
Like everything else about humans and their Love. Very useful.
"You love Rai."
"Yes."
"...But you didn't mind being kis-"
"Stop that!!"
He giggles stupidly. Can't help himself: "She doesn't love you back, you know."
Minoru pales. So Hajime resumes, cruelty His God's specialty:
"She's committed herself fully to God's Love and has no need for Human Love. She just pities you enough to go along with it, she's too scared to hurt you."
Why is he doing this? What's wrong with him?
Minoru's eyes darken and his entire body slumps, tension replaced with despair. Wraps his arms around his middle, looks away.
"I know."
And yet you said love doesn't hurt. Sinners always lie to deceive themselves. Poor things.
He inches closer to Minoru in a moment of weakness, enough to be able to reach out and grab his face with his hands. Caught in his hopelessness, Minoru is unwilling to humor an argument he cannot win. He looks at Hajime with what can only be contempt.
"I'm sorry," Hajime offers, lying through his teeth. So easy and so good to taste the venom on his tongue, disgust as the aftertaste with no consideration for its impact. He feels no shame, but knows God should strike him down. "God's Love is simply that powerful."
Minoru frowns. "you love Noriyuki and he loves you. Why are you after me?"
"He doesn't love me," he snaps without meaning to, startling himself at the intensity of it, but not slowing down: "he loves the idea of me as a Star. And I... I..."
I don't know.
"Guess we're in the same boat," Minoru blurts with a dry laugh, "someone we love dearly is too busy with God to pay attention to anything and anyone else."
Hajime can't describe the sense of correctness that brought on, and he hates it with every fiber of his being.
"I should be too busy with God to pay attention to you, too."
And Minoru smiles at that. Tilts his head, leaning into Hajime's touch with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. Whispers teasingly:
"So why aren't you?"
"Because Human Love hurts so bad that I can't concentrate on God's Love."
Is it just him, or are their faces getting closer?
"And what do you want me to do about it?"
So close, so close-
Hajime ghosts his lips over Minoru's and hears the other's breath hitch; the rise of his heartbeat.
"Push me away."
His body burns. The room's spinning and blood rushes to his head, heart loud and drowning out the ringing. Anticipation made him ill, a voice at the back of his mind telling him to be stronger than he's currently being and to pull away. And Minoru-
doesn't push him away.