Chapter Text
Peacekeeper (into communicator):
"Sir, I’ve spotted two intruders. They appear to be around fifteen. Both are wearing shirts with rebellious slogans—one reads Skull, the other Death Rock."
President Snow (calmly, with a hint of menace):
"Excellent. Apprehend them and bring them to me—alive.
[At the Capitol – Throne Room]
President Snow (cold, composed):
"I am President Coriolanus Snow. What brings you two here?"
Butt-Head (snickers):
"Huh huh, huh huh. He said anus."
Beavis (suddenly twitchy, eyes wild):
"You are not Cornholio! I am Cornholio! There can only be one! Are you threatening me?!"
President Snow (smiling with icy calm):
"Oh, it's not a threat, little man. It's a promise."
Butt-Head (shrugs):
"Uh… don’t mind him, Mr. Anus. He’s, like, special or something."
[Snow tenses—no one in Panem dares mock his name. But this? This is different.]
He doesn’t hear defiance.
He doesn’t hear challenge.
He hears… stupidity. Pure, unfiltered, inexplicable stupidity.
And somehow, that makes it worse.
President Snow (low, dangerous):
"Fascinating. Perhaps you are special."
[INT. CAPITOL HALLWAY – DAY]
Beavis, still deep in his Cornholio persona, shuffles wildly down a gleaming hallway. His shirt is pulled over his head, arms stiff at his sides.
Beavis (shouting):
"I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! Are you threatening me?!"
He darts up to a terrified Capitol official, a tall man in bright blue eyeliner and feathered shoulder pads.
Capitol Official (nervously):
"I—I beg your pardon?"
Beavis:
"I need TP! Your toilets are useless without it! Do not make me unleash my bunghole powers!"
The official scrambles back, fumbling for a communicator.
Capitol Official:
"Security, we have a... situation. A small... shrieking thing demanding toilet paper."
Beavis (twirling in place):
"My bunghole will not be denied! I am Cornholio, ruler of the Great Bungholian Empire!"
He bursts into another corridor, pushing past a Capitol hairstylist and poking at a bowl of decorative crystals.
Beavis:
"Is this TP? It is shiny. You cannot fool Cornholio!"
[INT. CAPITOL – HALL OF FASHION]
Beavis barrels into a gallery filled with Capitol fashion designers. Feathered gowns, holographic mannequins, and avant-garde headpieces line the walls. A designer gasps as Beavis climbs onto a display table.
Beavis (arms raised):
"I am Cornholio! The spirits of the bunghole demand tribute! You will bring TP, or suffer the wrath of my mighty nostrils!"
Capitol Stylist (horrified):
"Security! He's touching the Plutarch-21 Collection! That's one-of-a-kind!"
Beavis (grabbing a feather boa):
"This is the sacred garment of the Bungholian high priestess! I will perform the dance of cleansing!"
He begins flailing wildly, knocking over mannequins and accidentally triggering a rotating platform. Lights spin. Music blasts.
Announcer Voice (automated):
"Welcome to the Capitol's Couture Showcase—featuring the ‘Wrath of Elegance’ theme!"
Beavis starts breakdancing terribly on the stage.
Beavis (shouting):
"I need TP! TP and nachos! Or I will smite you with my... bunghole!"
[INT. SECURITY CONTROL ROOM]
A squad of Peacekeepers watches the chaos unfold on monitors.
Peacekeeper #1:
"Is this... an attack?"
Peacekeeper #2:
"I don't know, but he’s dismantled an entire art installation using a corn chip and a feather duster."
Peacekeeper #1:
"Do we shoot him?"
Peacekeeper #2:
"...Let’s call President Snow."
[INT. CAPITOL – FASHION HALL, MINUTES LATER]
Beavis is now wrapped in caution tape and draped in fur, sprinting in circles around a holographic sculpture. Capitol elites scatter like frightened birds.
Beavis (chanting):
"Bungholio! Bungholio! You cannot stop the fire in my pants! I am the great Cornholio!"
Enter Seneca Crane, flanked by two Peacekeepers. He’s impeccably dressed, beard perfectly stylized, but his eye twitches as he takes in the carnage.
Seneca Crane (mutters):
"This... this is not what I trained for."
He steps forward, attempting diplomacy.
Seneca (calmly):
"Young man. I am Seneca Crane. Head Gamemaker. You’re disrupting order in the Capitol. Let’s talk."
Beavis (spinning to face him):
"You are the keeper of the games? The games of bunghole?! Are you threatening me?!"
Seneca (sighs):
"No. But I am asking you to leave the premises before you—"
Beavis lunges forward, placing a sparkly tiara on Seneca’s head.
Beavis:
"You are now Princess Cornholio! You must lead the Bungholian army into battle! We ride for the TP vault!"
Seneca (deadpan, to Peacekeepers):
"Tranquilize him. Before he makes me King of the Wedgies."
Peacekeeper (hesitant):
"Sir, we tried. He dodged them. With... unnatural speed."
Beavis jumps onto a hovering display platform and glides out of the room like a triumphant maniac.
Beavis (echoing down the hall):
"I am Cornholio! You have not seen the last of my butt!"
Seneca (pinching his temples):
"President Snow is going to kill me."
[INT. PRESIDENT SNOW’S OFFICE – NIGHT]
The chaos footage loops silently on a projection wall: Beavis in full Cornholio mode, leaping onto tables; Butt-Head eating Capitol canapés and laughing at furniture.
President Snow watches, fingers steepled, eyes cold.
President Snow (to Seneca Crane):
"You see chaos. I see... opportunity."
Seneca (still picking glitter out of his hair):
"Sir, with all due respect, they're uncontrollable. Unpredictable. Possibly brain-damaged."
Snow (smiling faintly):
"Exactly. Imagine the next Hunger Games. A young Tribute, alone, wounded... hiding in the trees. Suddenly he hears a strange laugh—"
“Huh huh... you said wood.”
Seneca (pales):
"...You want to put them in the arena?"
Snow (standing, voice growing darker):
"They will be elements of the arena. Not competitors. Traps. Wildcards. Beavis and Butt-Head, the Fools of Flame. A new kind of horror."
He turns to a Peacekeeper.
Snow:
"Have the Gamemakers design zones they can… thrive in. One with nachos. One with toilets. We’ll let them wander."
Seneca (softly):
"Sir, they’re morons."
Snow:
"And that’s what makes them terrifying. The Tributes won’t know whether to run... or just feel bad for them."
[He turns back to the screen.]
Snow (murmuring):
"Let stupidity become a weapon."