Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rin Itoshi. President of the debate team, and multiple time winner for the Top Speaker award at Northview. Made it to State and Nationals— twice. In the world of high school debate, he was practically famous. A prodigy, some called him. After 4 years of doing debate, he could proudly claim that title. 

He was witty, basing his arguments and rebuttals on pure fact. Because when something was proven true, you didn’t have to question the credibility of it. That was it. Cold, hard, fact. With that, he devoured every person he opposed. And since he’d started, he hadn’t lost. 

Needless to say, when Rin was placed against Isagi, who was practically an amateur compared to him, he thought he was being mocked. Why would he have to debate someone he’d obviously win against? It’d be pointless. 

That’s what he thought, at least. Until the actual debate came. 

He started off with confidence, of course. But it quickly changed into dread when he realized how.. good Isagi was.

So now, here he was— sweat beading down his forehead, trying to think of how to refute what his opponent was saying. 

Their topic was on whether or not pacifism was moral. Rin hadn’t put much effort into the emotional side of this. Because he never needed to. Debate was about evidence . Or, it usually was. —But Isagi… was evoking emotion with his words. 

Rin stood in front of his podium, listening to Isagi speak, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Was it hot in here? That had to be why he was feeling like this— Shaky hands, sweatiness, erratic breathing. He was probably about to die of heat stroke in front of an audience. Isagi would laugh— winning by default. Fuck— he was definitely thinking too much.

Gripping the edge of the podium, he continued to listen to what Isagi was saying. 

“In situations where violence is condoned, what if the victim is a child— or a pregnant woman? What if it’s one of your family members,” shushed whispers came from the audience, “would it be right to hurt or kill them, too?”

Rin refused to look up from where his knuckles lightened as he clasped the wooden stand, “When conflict is solved peacefully, no one gets hurt. Pacifism strives to accentuate how every human life is valuable. As these values are constructed, peace can be achieved globally. —Isn’t peace the goal we seek as a society?” Isagi finished. 

Rin tried to swallow but his throat felt dry. How could he base his argument on fact this time? He didn’t have statistics or evidence for his side. 

Clearing his throat, he mumbled, “Uh…” his voice was hoarse and shaky, unsure of what to say. All eyes were on him. Rin Itoshi. The prodigy. The genius. After this inevitable, troubling loss, would he be able to redeem himself? His title?

Shooting one last look at Isagi, then back at the audience, where whispers grew louder, he said as calmly as he could, “No rebuttal.”

Whispers became full-blown conversations, and a few gasps could be heard. He knew he was being judged— because this was the first time he had been completely at a loss during a debate. In all fairness, he was given the side of this argument that had little to no reasoning that was relevant to his case. That didn’t make the fact that he was going to lose any less dreadful. 

The surrounding conversations of students in the audience was unbearable. Everyone looking at him like he was suddenly a completely different person. Rin had never had a problem with all of those eyes on him. In that moment— he did. He didn’t make eye contact with a single person as he sat down, letting the second speaker, Hiori, take over at the podium. 

Isagi followed suit, allowing the second speaker for Central High to take the stand. 

————

In the end, Rin and Hiori lost. When it was announced, Isagi stood triumphant, patting his partner on the back— whose name was apparently Bachira as Rin had read on his nametag.

He wanted to scream at Isagi. Ask how the hell he could ruin his streak like that. So.. easily. As if Rin hadn’t completely dedicated himself to maintaining that perfect record. He clenched his jaw tight. He was still on the stage, and he couldn’t do a thing except sit there. Sit there and watch as that trophy— that should’ve been his— was handed to his opponent’s team instead.

————

Heading backstage, he sat down among the many boxes of what seemed to be garments. To say he was pissed was an understatement— he was absolutely livid. Not just at Isagi, but at himself. How could he let his team lose so quickly? To say that he barely put up a fight was a lie. Rin hadn’t put up a fight at all.

Maybe if he’d prepared more beforehand, or had flash cards— maybe if he wasn’t so cocky to begin with, he would’ve had a shot at winning that. Rin dropped his head into his hands, pinching his lips together angrily. 

Nearby chatter came closer, stopping in front of him. There were two pairs of footsteps— but one of them walked away after exchanging a few hushed words with the other. Someone was still there. He looked up, watching them shift their weight between legs. 

It was Isagi. —The last person he wanted to see right now.

Rin’s voice was cold as ice— the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife, he said, “What do you want.” but the way he said it made it seem like more of a statement, rather than a question. Not that he had actually wanted the other to answer, anyway. Right now, Rin just wanted to wallow in his self pity. Or perhaps he wanted to disappear— like he never existed in the first place. Both options sounded more pleasant than talking to anyone right now.

Of course Isagi had been the one to stay. Couldn’t it have been his friend instead? Rin thought that after losing, things couldn’t get worse. That was a stupid thing for him to think. It was as if the entire universe was against him, because he didn’t deserve that loss, and he didn’t want to talk to Isagi, who was looking down at Rin as he spoke, “You’re Rin.” he said exasperatedly.

Was he just talking to fill the silence? That’s what Rin wondered— but it quickly slipped his mind because he couldn’t stand the way that Isagi was looking down at him— so he stood up, brushing off the fabric of his jeans. 

“No shit.” Rin said sharply, not bothering to meet the blue eyes in front of him.

Isagi let out a laugh. It was bubbly. Friendly. Inviting. And entirely too.. positive. Sheepishly, he rubbed the back of his neck, uttering, “Right. I asked your friend where you were,” his voice was low and timid, “Hiori— that’s what he said his name was.”

“Hiori isn’t my friend.” was all Rin said in response.

Letting his hands fall back to his sides, Isagi stepped closer. With the newfound proximity, Rin could see everything. His stupid face looked too kind. That was the type of kindness that allowed people to take advantage of you. He would never allow himself to be that vulnerable. And.. that stupid hair sticking up on his head annoyed him to no end. Standing up, Rin was the one looking down at Isagi. He must’ve gotten the short end of the stick in terms of height.

“You’re really good at debate,” Isagi choked out, “today was a fluke. I’ve always admired you. —I’ve never actually debated anyone.. ‘til now. I finally decided to try it because of you. You’ve been an inspiration to me,” then his lips twitched upward in a smile, “thank you.” he finished.

Rin’s face twisted with disgust, “A fluke?” he barked out, “I’m supposed to be number one. How can I do that when some lukewarm beginner is fighting for my spot?”

He squeezed his hands into fists, nails forming crescents into the flesh of his palms, “I’ll never lose to you again. The only reason you won was because I let you,” he told him, his voice was dangerously low, “I’m going to be the best. I will devour you, shitty amateur.”

Contradictory to how apprehensive he looked before— Isagi’s eyes now gleamed with determination, and he turned around, walking away with measured steps. As he did, he spoke, “Yeah,” he sounded different— his voice holding more spirit than it had previously, “I’d like to see you try.”

Now Rin was alone again. Only one question lingered in his mind— who really was this Isagi?

… Because Rin mistook Isagi’s charisma for carelessness, he lost. But he wouldn’t lose again. From this moment on, they were rivals. 

And he would destroy him.

—————

The following day, Rin moved through his morning routine with practiced precision. Scratch that—.. he tried to, and failed.

6:30, wake up.

6:35, wash his face and brush his teeth.

6:45, get dressed. 

6:50, grab his school bag and fix his hair.

7:00, breakfast.

And be out the door by 7:30.

…But by what was supposed to be 6:45, with Rin getting dressed, having already completed the first part of his routine, it was actually 7:03. And Rin was nowhere near done with step 1. He had woken up, but he was still in bed, moping about yesterday’s loss. He thinks if he focuses hard enough, he could probably see the cataclysmic aura shrouding him. 

With heavy steps, he finally got out of the mess of blankets, not bothering to fix his bed, and went to the bathroom.

When he reached it, he locked eyes with his reflection in the mirror. And he looked… for lack of a better word, terrible. 

Even so, he did move through the meticulous process of his morning routine. Whether or not he made it to school on time was none of his concern, which was clear when he arrived more than halfway through his third period biology class. 

Okay— no, it wasn’t exactly ideal for him to have missed two class periods, but he still came to school. That counted for something— although, his perfect attendance was fucked now, too.

Rin found his seat and sat down in his chair with the enthusiasm of a wet blanket. Shoulders slumped, he dropped his bag onto the floor next to his desk. The teacher stopped her lesson, turning to where Rin’s seat was, and asked sternly, “Care to explain why you’re late, Mr. Itoshi?”

His response consisted of an eye roll and him saying, “No.” which earned a few snickers from the people in his class. At that, the teacher continued her lesson, albeit annoyedly. Rin reached into his bag, pulling out a pen and his biology notebook. He flipped to a blank page and scribbled in the margins, making it look as if he was doing something— while he, in fact, wasn’t doing anything. Unless writing down all of the things he could’ve said to win yesterday’s debate was your idea of… ‘doing something’.

Rin was usually a pretty good student, if he did say so himself. But this was different. His brain wasn’t even working properly, still brooding about yesterday’s events. 

To make things worse, he could hear the quiet laughter of his classmates, whispering about him. He tightened his grip around the pen he was holding, rage bubbling in his chest.

————

The rest of class went by in a blur. Rin didn’t pay attention to whatever lesson was being taught. And the second the bell rang, signaling lunch, he grabbed his bag and walked out. He stopped by his locker to grab something. While he rummaged around for it, someone creeped up behind him.

“Rin.” was all they said. Recognizing the thick kansai accent, he knew who it was— Hiori. Rin’s eye twitched with irritation, practically slamming his locker shut. 

Keeping his gaze focused toward his locker, which was now shut, he muttered, “What.”

“What was that yesterday?” Hiori asked.

He didn’t know exactly how to respond to that question. Truthfully, he didn’t have the answer to it right now, either. Rin simply stated, “I slipped up. That’s it.”

“We both know that’s not true. You’re the best debater I know, and that has never happened before.”

Rin’s voice heightened as his irritation grew, “So? What? I can’t do anything about it now.”

Hiori’s calm demeanor didn’t falter. He shook his head, not arguing with that statement. Then, he said, “You’re right. —You can’t,” continuing, “but you can fix whatever caused that fuck-up at yesterday’s debate.” 

No response came from Rin. He wasn’t exactly pleased with what had happened, either. And he damn sure didn’t know how to fix what caused it. “..Whatever.” he said.

“You’re the anchor of our team. We have backup until you’re at 100%, but.. nobody’s as good as you. —Get your shit sorted.” Hiori sighed, placing a supportive hand on Rin’s shoulder for a moment, before retracting it.

Technically, Hiori was right. Rin was the reason their team hadn’t lost all this time, (except for the previous day, of course). If he costed them another win, then it wouldn’t be considered a ‘fluke’. He nodded, saying, “Yeah. I will… And, Hiori…” he trailed off, before asking, “Who is he? The guy who beat me.”

“I asked his friend, Bachira, about him a little. —Name’s Yoichi Isagi. Second year at Central High. Did speech during his first year— probably why he’s so good at debate,” he finished, “Bachira didn’t tell me much else. Starting questioning why I wanted to know.”

With one final nod, Rin spoke, “Alright,” a beat— then, “..thanks.”

“Anytime.” Hiori stated before letting his lips curl up into a small smile— that fell just as quickly as it came. Then, they parted.

Rin headed to the cafeteria, in which he picked out a small table in the corner. By himself (to no one’s surprise). He got his lunch and sat in that secluded spot he chose. The storm of his mind had passed, turning to a light drizzle.— He was still curious to know more about this Yoichi Isagi Why had he said that to Rin after the debate was over? At first, he thought it was to mock him. But that clearly wasn’t it. —Truly, it didn’t matter why he said it. Because Rin had one goal now. And it was to destroy that shitty amateur, Yoichi Isagi. 

————

On the second day after his loss, the whispers only grew louder and more frequent. Rin was doing his classwork, sitting by his lonesome. Tapping the pen against his chin, he worked through the problems with ease. It was become harder to ignore the conversation happening next to him— because it was about him.

The conversation was between two guys. It didn’t seem as if they were trying to be discreet— looking right at Rin. Pointing and snickering as they exchanged jokes. The shared laughter between the two guys became unendurable. 

Voice sharp, Rin turned to them and snapped, “ What ? Fucking what? You’ve been shit talking me the whole class.” 

Their laughter stilled, one saying, “Nobody’s saying anything except the truth.”

Rin stood up from his chair, gaining the attention of the teacher and a few other students in the classroom. One of the other guys followed his movement, standing as well, chin held high. 

“I’m not in the mood for this. You’re both half-baked losers.” Rin remarked.

The guy took a step closer, and Rin pushed him over— causing him to fall onto the floor… And with that, the teacher sent Rin to the main office to see the principal.

————

The material of the seat Rin was sitting in snagged onto his clothes, scratching against his arms. Faintly, the overhead lights buzzed, making his head ache.When the principal arrived, he sat down in his chair behind the desk, facing Rin. 

“Rin Itoshi,” the principal stated, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, “this is your first offense.” 

“Principal Ego,” Rin mocked, “I know it is. But he deliberately provoked me.”

Ego held his hand up, signaling Rin to stop, then folded his hands together in his lap, “I don’t need your explanations. I have an ultimatum.”

Rin nodded, urging him to continue.

“As president of the debate team, you have an obligation. I’ve seen what you can do in action, and I think you’re very capable. That’s definitively why,” he lifted his chin, eyes downcast at Rin, “I’d like you to work with Yoichi Isagi of Central High. You’re from opposing schools, yes, but— I believe that together you could win the National Speech and Debate tournament. You’ve got experience in debate, Yoichi has minimal experience with both and is developing his skills rapidly.”

That wasn’t what Rin had expected, to say the least. He was curious about Isagi— but he didn’t want to work with him. His goal was to destroy— devour him. “What’s my other option? You proposed an ultimatum.”

“Precisely,” Ego commented, “you do have another option. It would affect your permanent record, but the choice is a temporary one. —A three day suspension for assaulting another student.”

With a scoff, Rin questioned, “Seriously? Assaulting another student? I barely touched him.”

“The choice is yours.” declared Ego.

Gripping the armrest of his chair, Rin stayed quiet. Any rational person would pick the first option. But Rin didn’t want to choose that. Not that the second choice was any better. Then again, he could expand his opportunities if he chose to work with Isagi.

Finally, he said, “You have until next Monday to decide. That leaves you six days. —Rin, There is a correct choice in your situation. You know what it is.” then stood up from his chair, exiting the room and shutting the door behind him.

Six days. Six days until he had to make a choice that could decide the path of his future. And it was a choice he wasn’t ready to make.

Chapter Text

Rin thinks that when it comes to making decisions, he’s a reasonable person. Weighing out the negatives and the positives to come to a conclusion. —To be fair, he didn’t know too much about Isagi. But what he did know is that he was the one person Rin lost to. That was reason enough for him to dislike the other. 

On the other hand, if he got a suspension it would be on his permanent record, meaning that his chances of getting into a prestigious college were lowered. Weighing the bad and the good wasn’t doing much for this. And honestly… The pros and the cons didn’t make a difference in his decision— because he didn’t want to work with Isagi.

Rin lost, and then declared that he would ‘destroy’ the other, but how was he supposed to go about that? Maybe this could be his chance to do it… but then he would also ruin his chances of winning nationals if he tricked Isagi. 

Fuck this. Everything was too much to think about. He would just pick what he was going to do tomorrow, or the next day, (or never) right? —Besides, he still had four whole days. Which really wasn’t that long, but oh well. He would just rather not think about it at all right now.

Instead, he was gathering his stuff to head out to school. He also had debate practice after school. The first practice since he’d cost their team a win. Rin didn’t desire to know what his coach would say. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it.

With an unhurried movement, he slung his bag over his shoulder and took a final look in the mirror, running a hand through his dark locks. Breaths measured and even, he finally headed out of the door and began his walk to school.

————

Upon his arrival, the hallways were mostly empty— fortunately. And like always, he was early. Yesterday, he was late, but that was unusual for him. 

When he made his way to his class, only one other person was there— Chigiri. He didn’t mind him being there, but they weren't exactly friends , either. The other was very outgoing, which wasn’t his thing. Rin also couldn’t blame Chigiri for not speaking to him because he wasn’t really the most sociable, or friendly, or cordial, or anything synonymous to that when it came to his peers. Not that he cared. School was hell already— he didn’t need to make it worse by forming unnecessary social relations. He’d only willingly talk to people he debated with or against. Anything outside of that wasn’t needed.

With an attempt to not disrupt the silence between them, Rin sat at his desk, wordlessly pulling out his materials. The only sounds in the room were his pen scratching the paper as he took notes, and the clicking of keys as Chigiri typed on his laptop. Their shared quietude was a welcome environment.

Tragically (for Rin, at least), the presence of other students filled the classroom as the school day truly commenced, the silence changing to unhushed conversations. —Class began upon the teacher's arrival, and Rin went through the routine of his work like he always had— precisely, making sure everything was accurate. 

Only one thing was out of the ordinary with his schedule— which was that he planned to meet up with Hiori on the way to his next class. To discuss debate strategies, obviously . And maybe to see if there was anything else he had found out about Isagi. Just maybe. It’s not like that’s the only reason he had decided to find Hiori. No— of course not. That in itself would be absurd. Rin was rational and he would never do that for such an irrational reason.

With a final short comment from the teacher, the bell rang, signaling the end of first period. Rin leisurely packed up his things— notebook, pen, laptop, folder— and placed it into his bag, zipping it up. He stood and situated it onto his shoulder, exiting the room. 

With a quick scan of the hallway, he caught sight of Hiori, who was propped against the wall as he waved off some spiky purpled haired guy, a faint blush tinting his cheeks. Huh. He didn’t spend too long dwelling on it before he walked over, stopping in front of the other.

“Hiori.” Rin said, which elicited a startled noise from the other, whose eyes lingered on the retreating figure before settling on him.

“Yeah,” he answered, voice wavering the slightest bit before he cleared his throat, repeating, “yeah? What is it?”

Rin lowered his voice and questioned, “Did you ever find out anything else about… Isagi?”

Hiori raised a brow, his usual demeanor returning as he replied, “No. —Not yet, at least. Didn’t even know you wanted me to look into it,” then he asked, “why?”

Shaking his head, Rin stated, “You don’t have to look into anything. Unless you want to, and…” he trailed off a moment before finishing, “I’m just curious.”

“You into him or something?” Hiori inquired.

“What? No.” Rin replied, disgust washing over his features. What kind of question was that?

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Hiori said, “Just asking,” he let his hands fall back to his sides, “you don’t need to get so worked up about it.”

“I’m not getting worked up. ” 

“Okay, man. Whatever.”

Awkward silence settled between the two of them, and Hiori shifted around. The chatter of students passing by made for some noise among the quiet. Rin’s gaze was stuck to the floor in front of him, and he didn’t look up as he spoke, “I wasn’t getting worked up.”

“Of course you weren’t. I never implied anything otherwise.” Hiori replied, voice tinged with sarcasm.

Rin rolled his eyes to himself, saying, “Can you just… look into him for me? See if you find something out,” hesitantly, he confessed, “I need a good reason not to work with him.”

“The hell? Can’t you just work with him? It’s what’s best for you. And for our team, Rin.”

Truthfully, Hiori was right. If he could swallow his pride and accept that this was the best option, things would be much easier. Not only for him, but for everyone. —Unfortunately, that wasn’t how Rin functioned. He would drag out making this choice until the last day, just because he could. Giving excuses as to why he was still contemplating this sounded most reasonable to him. And as everyone knows, Rin is very reasonable when it comes to making decisions!

He had weighed out the positives— Isagi is an amazing debater, no doubt . Rin wants to go to nationals and he can if he partners with Isagi.— and the negatives (which— there weren’t any. Rin was just stubborn). But he hadn’t come to a conclusion.

“Look into it,” he said, “ please. ” Rin added reluctantly.

With a final sigh, Hiori gave in, “Alright. I guess so. I’ll let you know what I find out. But, Rin… don’t do anything stupid. —The choice you make won’t only affect you.”

“Okay.”

At that, Hiori bid him farewell until later and walked off. Shortly after, Rin made his way to his next class, which was willing to start regardless of his presence.

————

The remainder of the school day dragged on slowly as Rin awaited dismissal. When the final bell rang, he took his time to gather his things and head to the club room. 

While he trudged down the hallway to his destination, he heard a few whispers as he passed by other people. Although the whispers had grown less insistent since the day after, they hadn’t completely dissipated. —He didn’t even really know if they were whispering about him . Though, it was a probable assumption, considering all things. That and the fact that some people were speaking loud enough for him to hear, saying things like, “did you hear what happened with him? His team must be so disappointed.” and ”do you see how uptight he is? he deserved that loss.” 

…Nevertheless, he kept walking, ignoring the comments.

Rin reached the club room and inhaled sharply before sliding open the door and stepping inside. It was still mostly empty considering the team was small itself, but the two faces present were familiar. Hiori, of course, was there. Their backup speaker, Niko, who was there in case of the event that one of the other two were absent. And lastly, their coach, Julian Loki. After his quick scan of the room, he grabbed a chair from a table in the corner and sat in it.

The room was quiet, and Rin couldn’t anticipate what was coming next. Much to his luck (or to his dismay), Loki came over, standing in front of him. 

“Itoshi,” Rin’s expression soured at the use of his last name. Even though he and Sae were on… decent terms now, it still brought a heaviness to his chest when he was called that— as it was one of the many similarities he had with his brother. He’d prefer just to be called by his given name. He didn’t comment on it and let Loki continue, “I’m sure you already know what I’m going to ask you, but,” he stated, voice even. Rin kept his gaze fixed on the bottom hem of his t-shirt, which he hadn’t realized he was fidgeting with until now, and Loki continued, “what happened out there?”

Rin responded non verbally at first, shrugging his shoulders. Then, keeping his answer the same, he said, “I don’t know.”

Humming, Loki nodded, “Hm. Okay. Everybody has bad days. This team isn’t blaming you for that loss. That’s solely because they’re aware of your talents,” he looked Hiori and Niko’s way before returning his sight to Rin, “I am, too. As long as this doesn’t happen again, then our loss is behind us.”

In response, Rin only nodded.

“I know what you’re capable of. You’ve got it in you to come back from this.” he finished.

Loki was right. One majorly bad and extremely humiliating fuck-up didn’t define him! Sure, the memory of that day would probably plague his mind for the rest of his teenage years, but he was still Rin Itoshi. His ratio of wins to losses was unrivaled, and this wouldn’t happen again. 

So, just as his coach was about to head back to the front of the room, Rin asked, “Did you talk to principal Ego?”

“I did. I can’t make a decision for you but I’ll leave it at this— you’d be giving up a huge opportunity if you decided not to work with Yoichi Isagi.”

“..Is it that big of a deal? I’ve made it to Nationals before.”

“But you didn’t win. Second place is the furthest thing from winning. You could place second a thousand times, but there’s no real achievement if you’re not striving to be better. Being number one is what matters.”

That shut Rin up. It was a fact— he hadn’t won first either of the times he made it. He’d gotten *second*. Both times. He held himself to a higher standard than most, but in those moments, second place felt like enough. Rin wanted to be the best, and Loki had a good point.

“…Yeah.” he muttered. 

After their conversation, the club meeting went how they usually went— discussing strategies, possible topics, and upcoming debates. Rin tried his best to focus on what was at hand, but his mind drifted. 

He still had four days to make a decision, but his talk with Loki made him realize that his mind was pretty much already made up. No— he didn’t want to work with Isagi. But this wasn’t only about what he wanted anymore. 

Still, he wasn’t about to go and talk to Ego right now. He still wanted to wait, just to let the idea settle in his mind and see if it was what he really wanted to do (it was, but he couldn’t accept that fact yet).

————

The rest of the day came and went, and Monday seemed to be approaching quickly. 

The next day, Rin had stayed late after school, studying up for both his classes and for debate. As he went over his notes about the hybridization of valence orbitals for what seemed like the fiftieth time, the soft buzz of his phone rumbled in the pocket of his jeans, pulling him out of his chemistry induced trance. He plucked his phone out of his pocket, clicking his pen in the other hand. When he did, he saw he had multiple messages from Hiori, whose presence seemed ubiquitous lately. Clicking on one of the notifications, he read, ‘ call me,’ and ‘found out something you’re gonna wanna know’ .

That got his attention, and he quickly clicked upon Hiori’s contact and called him. It rang for just a moment before the other line connected, a muffled “ Hello?” coming from Hiori.

“What did you find.” Rin asked, but it came out as more of a statement opposed to a question.

“I got Bachira’s contact info off of one of his socials. I decided to ask him instead of looking for myself. I told him about the offer— he already knew ‘cause of Isagi .”

“Okay?” Rin said sarcastically, “just tell me what you found.”

“Isagi quit speech after a year after some scandal that happened there. Apparently, he was outed by someone from another school. I don’t know how it happened, I just know that it did. He tried to keep doing speech after, but he couldn’t escape the torment. Everybody in the speech scene knew who he was.”

“Outed? What’re you…” 

Hiori cut him off, “There’s more. —He wasn’t going to quit originally. But the whispers got to be too much, I guess.”

Rin thought he knew what Hiori meant, but he still felt the need to ask, “What do you mean by ‘outed’?”

“Don’t be oblivious .”

“I’m not.”

“You are .” 

A pause, then, “He’s into guys, right?”

“ Yeah. That’s what I meant by outed, Rin .”

Rin understood what it was like to hear the constant whispering, but it hadn’t gotten that bad, to the point where you’re forced to quit something you enjoy. It hadn’t gotten that bad with anything— not because of what had happened with his loss, or with anything else. It didn’t make sense to him, though. It seemed like a lukewarm reason to quit. Who cares what other people think? —Though, that part went unspoken.

“Okay. Thanks.”

“ Let me know if you need anything .” Hiori said, then ended the call.

He glanced out of the window and saw that the sun was starting to set outside. He should get home before it gets dark. —When he stepped outside the classroom, the hallways were empty and dim, apart from the few clubs and sports that had stayed late as well. 

Outside it was calm, aside from the chirping of cicadas and the occasional passing car. The tranquil atmosphere got Rin deep into thought again, and his silence matched the quietude of the settling dusk.

——

When Rin arrived home, he noticed another car parked out front (Sae’s) in addition to his parent’s. He scowled to himself, because of course everyone was home when he just wanted to go to his room and lay in his bed until he meshed together with the mattress. He shouldn’t have expected any less. Rin slowed his steps as he approached the front door, a frown coming over his face unintentionally. Then, he turned the knob, the smell of something cooking welcoming him as he pushed the door open. He took off his shoes and immediately headed to his bedroom.

Rin set his school bag on the floor, going over to his bed and settling on the edge of it. As he was preparing to get comfortable, the door creaked open and he was greeted by the face of his mother saying, “Rin,” she fully entered the room and shut the door as quietly as she could behind her. She sat down next to him, speaking softly, “how was school?”

It was a filler question for the silence Rin allowed between them. “Fine. What is it.” he asked, aware that there was something more to this than her asking about his day.

She chuckled nervously, flexing her hands in her lap, “You always did catch on quick, huh?..”

He didn’t offer a verbal response and waited for her to continue. “Your brother’s home. It’s been a while since you’ve seen him. I know you two don’t get along as well as when you were kids, but,” she sighed, “he’s only here for a few days. Make the most of it.”

Rin’s voice came out neutrally, “We get along, Mom.”

“Yeah. You two just aren’t as close any more. You’re both growing up. I mean.. we hardly ever get to see Sae anymore, and you’re always busy with… debate.”

“Not always .” he muttered under his breath.

“That reminds me. Are you feeling better about your whole.. thing? I heard about it.”

He nodded. Rin didn’t know if he was feeling better , per se, but he wasn’t feeling worse. After talking things out with Hiori and Loki, everything was clearer. The only person he hadn’t ‘talked’ about the loss with was himself . Or rather, he hadn’t come to terms with it, yet. Which, whatever, he would probably never come to terms with it. “Yeah,” he stated. A half lie.

“I’m glad. You’re a smart boy. Don’t let that get you down.” she added as she reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a light squeeze. Rin watched when she let go of his hand and stood up, heading back towards the door to exit the room. She didn’t say anything else, but instead gave him a soft smile when she left.

Rin was by himself now. He laid down and let the comfort of his bed swallow him. His thoughts circulated around the loss, nationals, Sae, and Isagi. Isagi, who he wanted to destroy. But also Isagi, who he would have to work with, side by side. It was no longer a choice, because it didn’t just affect him. It affected everyone. And he’d found out things about Isagi today that were.. less than expected. Nevertheless, he had made up his mind— he was stubborn. Once he’d chosen to do something, he wouldn’t go back on it.

So Rin was going to work with Isagi, who he’d sworn to destroy. He was going to make it to nationals a third time, and he was going to win.

Chapter Text

” Fuck .”

Rin rubbed a hand over his face, sighing deeply to himself.

Today was the day. Monday. Decision day. He had already made up his mind— but that didn’t make the whole thing any less daunting. This could essentially change the rest of his high school career. And then, there’s the question of what it would be like when he had to see Isagi face to face again. Would Isagi have that bubbly personality he had during the debate— or would he be more fired-up, like when Rin said he’d destroy him? Either way, they’d be seeing a lot of each other in person after this, so he’d have to grow accustomed to it no matter how Isagi came off.

He laid in bed, facing the ceiling. On his nightstand, his phone was blaring the sound of his 6:30am alarm. The sound was grating against his eardrums. He didn’t shut it off just yet— in some way, it was a small distraction from what was to come later on. It only served as a distraction for a few moments more before he grabbed it, tapping the screen awake and shutting off the noise. 

The first thing he noticed after was that the house was eerily silent. His parents and his brother were home, so the quiet atmosphere seemed odd. To be fair, he knew Sae liked to get an early start to his day, but it didn’t make much sense for his working parents not to be awake. Oh, well. He shrugged it off and got out of bed, his feet hitting the floor with a soft thump .

Rin’s morning routine went smoothly. When he finished, he gathered his things and headed to school.

————

Rin took his time, like, really took his time when he got to school. —He was going to go see Principal Ego before classes started since he was early. His footsteps were slow and careful, like he was going to turn back and leave. (He sincerely wanted to, but he was sure he’d have to face this one way or another).

Arriving in front of the principal's office, he stopped, placing a hand on the knob of the door. But he didn’t turn it just yet— listening to the hum of the harsh overhead lights, a distant conversation— listening to anything he could to stall this for as long as possible. He was probably starting to look stupid with how long he’d been standing there. With one last glance around, he opened the door and stepped inside.

There stood Principal Ego in the corner, hunched over a table with papers scattered across its surface. His fingers skimmed over some of them more than others, but he wasn’t writing anything down, just… looking. And touching. Rin took a seat in front of his desk and waited for him to take a seat as well. Ego was weird, Rin thought. This just confirmed his suspicions. He shuddered internally.

Eventually, after Ego had gotten his fill of… whatever it was he was doing, he sat down behind his desk, crossing his legs and resting his arms on the desk. “Rin Itoshi,” he started, as if that fact wasn’t obvious, “have you made up your mind?”

Why else would he willingly be in Ego’s office? Rin didn’t give a verbal response, instead nodding and fidgeting his hands in his lap. It became clear after a few moments of awkward and tense silence that he was expecting a verbal response, and Rin said, “Yeah. I have.” but he didn’t look up as he spoke.

“What have you decided on?” Ego questioned.

After what felt like years of thinking, he came to the conclusion that he’d work with Isagi. Not just for the sake of him, but for the sake of others, too. How altruistic. 

“I’ve decided I'll work with Isagi. I think it’s my best option at this point in time, and it could be an opportunity for me.” he stated calmly, finally looking up. Ego nodded in response, as if saying you made the right choice. Although, he didn’t actually say that.

“In that case,” Ego started, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Rin furrowed his brow, not knowing what was to come. Until Ego continued, “I’d like you two to practice together tomorrow.”

“What? I don’t have practice tomorrow.”

“I’m aware,” he stated calmly.

Rin’s eye twitched in irritation, his anger bubbling to the surface quickly. Still, he tried to keep his voice even, “So, what? Am I supposed to practice with him one-on-one? The rest of the team won’t be there?”

Ego slowly stood up from his chair, circling around the desk while glaring at Rin, who glared back. He stopped at the side of the desk, back facing Rin, and said, “Indeed. I surmise this will be beneficial for the both of you.

Rin’s eyes narrowed as he gathered his belongings and stood up, ready to head out of Ego’s office. He slowly walked over to the door and placed his hand on the knob— pulling it open. As he did so, Ego said, “Tomorrow. After your last period, go to your usual club room. I’ll lead Yoichi Isagi to the right place. All I ask is that you make an attempt at being civil,” he paused momentarily before concluding, “I know you aren’t the most sociable. But take into account that this could change your future, Rin Itoshi. ” In response, Rin simply nodded, taking his leave.

—————

The remainder of his day at school went smoothly. Unfortunately, though, the fact that he’d have to see Isagi alone tomorrow plagued his mind endlessly. Even now, as he walked home, gradually getting nearer to his house, it bothered him. 

When he reached his doorstep, he fiddled with the key before deciding to knock instead. Faintly, he heard the voice of his mother, who shouted, “One second !” distantly. Following that came the shuffling of footsteps and then the noise of the door unlocking. He came face to face with his mother, who urged Rin inside.

He listened to his mother ramble toward him as he untied the knots of his shoelaces, taking his shoes off.

“Rin, your brother and I were just having dinner. Your father isn’t home yet. It’s a little early, I know,” she laughed to herself, running a hand over her nape, “I hope you’re not too worn out from school. Come join us.” she stated, placing a gentle hand against Rin’s back as he discarded his bag near the door. When he didn’t respond, she let her hand fall back to her side.

He sighed heavily, before reluctantly giving in, “Okay. Sure.” With that, she walked to the dining table, Rin following behind her. 

They took their seats at the table. The arrangement was… weird, to say the least. Sae sat on the left side of the table, their mother sitting next to him. Rin decided on taking the furthest possible seat from Sae, which ended in him facing his brother.

Their relationship wasn’t bad, per se. Just awkward. Like, awkward awkward. But.. his brother was only home for a few days, and Rin didn’t want to make it seem like something was up between them. There wasn’t anything wrong. Nothing! As their mother would say, they weren’t… as close anymore, ever since his brother had left to study law in Tokyo. The entire time, their mother attempted to keep some sort of conversation flowing, but it was largely silent, aside from the clinking of cutlery against plates.

Their mom finished her meal first, because of course she did. She kissed Sae’s cheek affectionately, who only grumbled in response, before placing her dishes in the sink and leaving the two alone. Now it was even more awkward. What were they supposed to talk about? Rin didn’t think they related on any level anymore. They were far too different. He didn’t attempt to make conversation, but Sae did (surprisingly).

“Rin.”

“What?” he asked, not looking up from where he pushed the food on his plate around with his fork.

“Do you have to make things so… uncomfortable? You didn’t say anything to me yesterday either.” Sae asked.

He placed his fork on his plate and pushed it away, “…Sorry?.” he offered, unsure of what to say.

Sae sighed, “Yeah. Okay. I don’t need an apology. I’d appreciate it if you'd at least try and talk to me a little, though.”

He nodded. Maybe there was one thing they could relate to each other with. Rin did debate— Sae was a law student. Weren’t those kind of similar? He might be able to get some sort of advice about his predicament from Sae.

“Does it matter what I talk about?”

Sae shook his head, answering, “No.”

“Okay. Then, I guess…” he trailed off, before speaking again, “I failed for the first time. I mean, you know I do debate. But I’ve never lost. Not until now,” he muttered. “and it just sucks, because now I have to work with Isagi, and I haven’t seen him since then.”

“Isagi. Is that his name?”

“Yeah,” Rin stated, voice small and angry, “and… what if I don’t get along with him? I mean, you don’t know the things I said to him, Sae. It’s fucking humiliating.”

His breathing was somewhat erratic after he finished speaking. Inhaling shakily, he realized that his chest felt much lighter than before, when he hadn’t actually said any of that out loud. He guessed it was good that he blurted that out to Sae rather than to someone else— like Hiori.

Sae’s fingers, which were tapping against the table, came to a slow stop as he glanced up at Rin. “Rin,” he started, “I have a boyfriend. I haven’t told anyone else yet, but it’s probably obvious. —He’s a really good person when you get to know him. He’s also spontaneous, irrational, irritating.. but I love him a lot, you know?”

The many thoughts running through Rin’s head came to an abrupt halt as he heard that. A boyfriend? First, he didn’t think Sae had the emotional capacity to be in love with someone. He had always been a kind of.. self-centered person. (From what Rin had seen of his brother so far, though, it seemed as though that might have changed). Also, since when was he gay ?

Sae was smiling to himself softly. Sincerely, he continued, “I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way about anyone, let alone a guy like him, ” his face turned neutral again, and he stated, “anyway, I didn’t get along with him at first. That man was the exact opposite of what I liked in a person. During lectures, he was so obnoxious, and he pissed me off. Then, he started following me around all the time, asking for my number. Can you believe that?”

Rin shook his head, then asked, “What's his name?”

“Ryusei,” Sae replied, “I didn’t get along with him, but then I got to know him . He changed my life, Rin. My point is.. just give it a chance. Things might turn out differently than you expect.”

Oddly enough, that was the single best piece of advice he had ever received. All the worrying he was doing was pointless. For all he knew, Isagi and him could become friends. Yet, all Rin said in response was, “Thanks, Sae. And.. he sounds like a good guy. I think I'd like to meet him sometime.”

—————

“No. We can’t only use facts. You have to persuade the audience with emotion, too. It’s the most powerful method in debate! You’re just too hard-headed for this.” Isagi declared.

…Yeah. So. Sae was wrong about this whole situation. Rin wasn’t a good judge of character, but from the way this brat Isagi was acting, he was sure they weren’t going to be friends. 

See, this wasn’t Rin’s fault entirely. He had tried to get along with Isagi, but the other wasn’t a good listener. And well… his bubbly personality from the competition was a facade.

—————

The ringing of the final bell signaled the end of the day. As Ego had told him to, Rin ended up at the club room. He wasn’t the first one there, as Isagi was already present, hunched over in a seat and typing on his laptop.

“Hey.” Rin said, sliding the door shut behind him.

Isagi jumped, visibly frightened at the sudden intrusion. Turning his head, he made eye contact with Rin. Immediately, Rin noticed the way his eyes shone differently. Not with kindness or determination. Something closer to… disapproval? Which was odd, because in the week prior, Isagi said Rin was his inspiration and he deserved that win.

“The hell? Were you trying to be sneaky or something?” he said annoyedly, “perv.”

Rin’s head tilted slightly in confusion, because this was very different from the Isagi he’d met previously. “No. Ego just told me to come here for our practice.”

“Sit down.” he demanded, pulling out the seat next to him, to which Rin complied.

“I was looking at the possible topics for our first debate together. I don’t care which side we argue, but don’t pick based on stupid reasons.”

“Okay? I don’t care what side we argue, either. We just need evidence for our support and rebuttal.” Rin muttered.

That statement led them to where they were at now. Arguing. Rin had just been called hard-headed, which was a dumb insult, and it also didn’t make any sense. That jab wasn't true at all!

“Hard-headed? And, yes, we do need to base on fact! No one cares about the emotional aspect of it.”

“Ugh! You’re so right,” he said sarcastically, “let’s just do what you want, because you’re never wrong!” rolling his eyes.

Rin attempted to calm himself and lowered his voice, “You. are. insufferable. I have been doing debate way longer than you, so I am begging you, please just listen!—“

“No! You know what? Fuck this, man,” Isagi slammed his laptop shut and stuffed it into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. He marched over to the door and opened it, glaring back at Rin, “I’m not working with somebody like you. All those things I said at the competition? Lies! I just wanted you to underestimate me so I could destroy you!”

Rin opened his mouth to yell back, but quickly shut it and furrowed his brows in confusion. Lies. Isagi wanted Rin to underestimate him. —He watched Isagi exit the room, but he didn’t move from his seat. 

Despite this all, Rin couldn’t help but think that Isagi was actually quite… smart for doing that. That soft, non-threatening demeanor he had masked himself with worked. Truly, Rin said he would destroy Isagi. But if Isagi could use his brain in ways Rin could never think of using, then how could he?

As much as he hated to admit it, he didn’t have the upper hand right now.

————— 

On the way back home, Rin decided to make a pit stop at the beach. It was the place he and his brother would visit a lot as kids— but he was by himself here now. Sae’s advice was good, but it hadn’t applied to his situation. The sound of the waves was calming. He sat down in the sand, dirtying the fabric of his pants. 

Today had been a long day, and he wanted nothing more than to relax now— and this was perfect for that. 

Until….

His silence was interrupted by the ringing of his phone in his pocket. He murmured curses to himself and picked up the phone, holding it to his ear.

“What.” he said harshly.

Much to his surprise, it was Hiori. He hadn’t seen him in a few days, and he certainly hadn’t texted him, so why would he be calling? 

”Rin! I’m glad I got a hold of you. Listen, I heard some stuff from Bachira.”

Honestly, Rin tuned out the sound of Hiori’s frantic voice in his ear, instead choosing to listen to the sound of waves crashing against shore. The smell of the salty sea prickled at his nostrils. It was windy out, and chillier than it had been when he first left the school building. By how the sun was starting to set, dipping lower beneath the horizon, he guessed it was probably time to head home. He was going to— but when Hiori mentioned Isagi he actually started to listen to what he was saying. Rin was glad he did because what Hiori said pissed him off.

“You had a practice session with him today, right? Man, did Bachira go on and on about what Isagi told him. He might be the first person I've met who actually has this much of a problem with you,” he said, trying to sound lighthearted but it didn’t come out that way. “Oh! Sorry— Isagi. Not Bachira.” he clarified .

Gripping the phone tighter than he had before, he demanded, “Give me his number. I’ll kill him. What an asshole.” Isagi must be scared, he thought. He could talk a lot of shit to his friends, but he hadn’t said anything of the sort to his face. No, the most he’d done was call him “hard headed”. 

On the other end, it was silent before Hiori spoke up again. “Alright. I’ll text it to you. Don’t be too harsh. He’s probably just like this because of what he went through with… speech.”

Rin hadn’t forgotten about that. It was such an important aspect of his sworn rival that it was impossible to forget. Isagi had been bullied relentlessly because of his homosexuality— but did that excuse him talking about Rin like that? No. Because that was bullying, too. He wasn’t hurt by it, and he really didn’t care what Isagi actually said. Yet, he still felt the need to be angry with him. 

Rin didn’t say goodbye or thank you to end the phone call. He just hung up, watching as the text notification of Isagi’s phone number popped up. He clicked on the pop-up, and quickly typed the digits into the new message tab.

This made him think. There are three things in this world that Rin Itoshi hates(?).

First, Wasted potential. Most of the time, people tend to stay on the same path they’ve been on because it’s easier — less scary. You know the outcome, so why would you want to change it? —But, if you don’t ever try, then you won’t live up to your fullest potential.

Second, Insects. It was probably a stupid fear for someone of his age to have, but they creeped the hell out of him— enough to make this list.

Last, Disloyalty. This was a given, really. When he formed a bond with someone, he expected them to maintain it as well as he did. If you do something that jeopardizes that, you’re not loyal. Disloyalty leads to distrust, and so on.

But really, he doesn’t hate anything. Instead, he very very very strongly dislikes it. He doesn’t hate people, either. Again, he strongly dislikes them. after meeting Isagi in person and trying to work with him, he was sure of one thing. Isagi wasn’t classified under any of the categories on that list. No. he was part of an entirely separate list: people Rin Itoshi wishes he could understand, even just a little.

Isagi had been so sweet to him after the competition, but seeing him today and attempting to practice with him was… a different story. He wanted to know— and understand— Isagi’s motive (besides destroying him).

He sighed heavily, then shifted his focus to his phone, fingers tapping against the keys as he drafted a message.

It’s Rin. You’re an asshole. Don’t think about coming to any more practices. I’ll take the suspension over seeing you again, shitty Isagi. [Draft]

Hm. Too… untrue. He wasn’t going to take the suspension at all. Backspacing the message, he tried again.

I will destroy you. From here on out, you’d better hope you don’t see me. I’ll have you at my mercy. [Draft]

Oh! Yeah, definitely not that one. He cringed at how it sounded like some fucked up version of a sex role play. A shudder ran through his body and he backspaced the message again. He typed out a final message. It was vague, but it worked. 

It’s Rin. Come practice after school Friday. I’d like to speak with you about something.

Not too threatening, but also, the eeriness of not knowing what was to come was present. Clicking the send button, he turned off his phone. 

The sun had dipped even lower below the horizon, night settling in the sky. Rin could hear the sound of cars passing by faintly as he looked ahead. It had gotten even colder, but he stayed. He stayed because lately, his mind had been such a mess. This was one of the few escapes he had discovered. Scent of salt and sand lingering in his nostrils long after he arrived home— somehow, it was comforting. 

His mind was cleared of Isagi, of his brother, Hiori, Bachira, the loss— everything. While he sat there, watching the waves crash, sloshing against shore, his mind was silent. For the first time since that day he’d lost. Maybe if he could have days like this, just when he needed them… he could bear the burdens that were so heavily present in his life.

As Rin sat there, it was quiet. A silence he never knew he needed.

Chapter Text

With a harsh grab of his shoulder, Rin pulled Hiori aside from the conversation he was actively engaged in. (He’d also happened to find out the name of the guy Hiori was around all the time. Karasu Tabito. But that was beside the point). Shutting the door to the empty classroom he’d brought the other to, Rin hissed, “What did he say about me?”. Hiori had never explicitly told him what Bachira heard. Why did he want to know?— blame it on curiosity. It had to do with him, after all.

Hiori massaged his shoulder where Rin had practically dragged him away, an overdramatic wince leaving his lips. He rubbed at the spot for much longer than he needed to before saying, “You’re too aggressive. Could’ve just told me you wanted to talk.” and letting his hand fall back to his side, unconsciously pulling at the fabric of his jeans.

Rin gritted his teeth, his temples pulsing as he did so. When he unclenched his jaw, he spoke with indignation, “ What did he say,” his hands clenched into fists at his sides, crescent-shaped indentations marking his flesh.

Hiori had a feeling he knew what Rin was talking about, yet he faked confusion, “Don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re gonna need to be more clear.”

He huffed, a noise somewhere between a sarcastic laugh and a sigh, and claimed, “You know… Bachira,” surprisingly, the anger in his voice had dissipated, leaving him sounding somewhat sheepish as he carried on, “you said he went on and on about what Isagi said. But.. what did Isagi say?”

“Oh,” Hiori replied, a little taken aback by the sudden softening of Rin’s voice, “well.. I heard that he said you’re hard to work with. He also said that you’re worse than him at debate, even though you’ve been doing it longer. Your approach is illogical. Stuff like that. He said a lot more, but I don’t think I can even say those things.”

Wow. Okay— he knew he was hard to work with. This wasn’t new, and he’d heard it from classmates before. That didn’t bother him. Neither did him saying that his approach was “illogical”, when his arguments were all based on logic. What did bother him was that Isagi had basically insulted his intelligence by claiming that he, an absolute beginner, was better than Rin at debate. 

Since Rin had started debating, he knew he’d found his passion. He remembers what it felt like the first time he won.

—————

FOUR YEARS PRIOR

Biting at the skin of his lips in anticipation, Rin could taste the metallic tang of blood against his tongue. He was nervous— his hands gripping at the edges of the podium.

Conversely, the waiting made excitement bubble in his chest, his throat feeling tight with how eager he was. Nothing had ever made him feel like this before. Whatever this foreign sensation was, it felt good. Really good. 

Locking eyes with the people in the crowd, he could tell that their expectations of him were high. The way their eyes grew wide as they listened to the debates judging take place. How enthralled they looked with the people up on that stage. He held himself to a high standard, too— and he didn’t want to disappoint the audience.

And even though he didn’t know anyone of those viewers, he knew himself. Knew that disappointing others meant he’d also be dissatisfied. No matter how this ended, though he was confident it would end well, he had found something for him. The path he was meant to take.

The stage lights were warm, making his skin tacky as sweat trickled down his skin. It was bright, and his vision was dark around the edges, like maybe all of these new sensations were overwhelming. Nevertheless, it was liberating.

Finally, he heard it. One of the judges announced the winning team, and it was his. —In front of him, the audience erupted into cheers and applause, seemingly happier than he was. 

He didn’t know who his team mate was. He hadn’t bothered to ask his name, because it wouldn’t matter after. His view had changed as his lips quirked up into the smallest grin— he wanted to know his team mates name. He wanted to know how broken the opposing team felt. Most of all, he wanted this feeling of absolute victory to be something he could work towards everyday. Over and over.

Because Rin had found what he was made for.

—————

PRESENT

If he was being real, that comment kind of… hurt. The thing he’d been so set on for the past four years of his life had been ridiculed so easily. Isagi probably didn’t actually mean it, but it still stung— and Rin wasn’t usually one to take insults to heart.

“Oh. He said that?” Rin questioned, hoping he’d misheard. However, his answer was confirmed as Hiori nodded his head slowly. 

“I don’t know what else to say. That’s the truth.” Hiori stated.

Suddenly, Rin ran a hand through his hair, his voice dropping lower with something close to regret, “I told him to meet me Friday.”

“You what? Why?” questioned Hiori, voice laced with concern.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “I tried to make it sound… not weird. I asked him to come practice after school again. In the club room. The hell am I supposed to say?” Rin groaned.

Hiori placed a supportive hand on his shoulder, replying sarcastically, “Oh, well. I don’t know either. You could just kiss and make up, right?”

The joke didn’t land. Rin’s face twisted with disgust and he muttered, “What?”

Hiori took his hand off Rin’s shoulder and held it up in surrender, “It was a joke.”

“I don’t find you funny.”

Silence.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Hiori said bashfully, “my actual advice, though? I can’t tell you exactly what to say to him, but just tell him whatever’ll get him off your back,” he paused before speaking up again, “what’d he say when you asked him?”

Rin thought back to when he’d texted Isagi at the beach. Isagi didn’t respond until halfway through Rin’s walk home, in which he pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the message to himself. It was a simple “ok.”, and he didn’t bother to send another message in response to that.

“He just said okay.” Rin admitted.

“I can’t help you much, honestly. So, just let me know how it goes after.” 

Rin nodded his head twice and his gaze shifted over to the clock on the wall. It was almost time for their next class— he had to get going or he’d be late.

“You helped enough, Hiori. See you later.” 

Hiori didn’t say anything else, but watched Rin’s figure retreating from the now-open door of the classroom they’d stood in together. He took his leave shortly after.

————

Rin walked into his house through the front door, happy to be home after what felt like a very long day. Pulling his earbuds out of his ears, he shoved them into the pocket of his pants. He then discarded of his school bag near the doorway, kneeling down to untie his shoes until he was interrupted by a voice— Sae’s voice. 

“You’re home,” he stated simply, as if the fact hadn’t been obvious. He looked blankly at Rin, who stared back at him and nodded his head. There was silence. This is exactly what Rin meant when he said things were awkward between them. The two of them had that conversation after their mom had left them alone at dinner, but they hadn’t really talked since. 

Sae stood in the same spot silently, so Rin looked back down at his shoes, fingers reaching for the laces, when his brother finally spoke up, “Keep your shoes on. Let’s go for a walk.” 

It didn’t sound like he was asking, but rather suggesting the idea. The offer was there, but Sae wouldn’t push if Rin denied his request.

Standing up to full height, which was a whopping three inches over his older brother (Rin had taken that as a small victory since he’d found out), he looked down at Sae and questioned, “Why?” Rin relished in the fact that he was looking down at him, instead of up, like he always had when they were kids. —Secretly, of course, because he wouldn’t want Sae to know he was this contented with something so minuscule.

“Do I have to give you a reason?” Sae said, voice laced with something close to vexation.

“…No.” Rin muttered in response.

“Come on, then.” Sae stated, before walking past his brother and over to the door, pulling it open. He stepped outside, glancing back to make sure Rin was following him. Once he had confirmation that he was, in fact, following him, he began leading the way. —Rin wasn’t sure if Sae had an actual destination in mind, but he didn’t question it, walking close behind. 

No words were exchanged between them for the first few minutes (which felt like much more when the air between them was so… tense)— walking in silence with synced steps. The sun was still high above the horizon, day at full eminence.

Eventually, someone spoke. Obviously it wasn’t Rin— but he was glad his brother was speaking first, anyway.

“How did it go with…” Sae trailed off. Rin could figure out what he meant quite easily. He was referring to the “practice”— if you could call it that— he’d had with Isagi.

“Isagi.” Rin finished the sentence, and Sae nodded.

“Yeah. Isagi. How did it go?”

There were two options for how Rin could respond to that question. First, he could lie, say something tepid and inaccurate like, “oh, it was great! I think we might just be best friends after that. He’s a great guy.” which couldn’t be further from the truth. Or, he could say how it actually went, which could be described with a few choice words. Shitty. Terrible. Disastrous, even. 

But, he decided on the first one. Lying. And he didn’t include details, simply saying, “Fine.”

Sae raised an eyebrow, voice questioning, “Fine?” to which Rin nodded. “Hm. Okay. That’s not vague at all.” he said sarcastically. Thankfully, Rin was saved from having to elaborate at all as Sae stopped in front of a convenience store and told him to wait outside.

Sae was in and out of the shop quickly, and when he came out, the two continued their walk. The bag in Sae’s hand rustled as he dug through it, pulling out a twin popsicle— the kind they’d get as kids. The kind that Rin would always get the winning stick from.

It seemed like he was doing a lot of reminiscing on the past today. Maybe he was getting soft, he thought. He quickly changed his mind, thinking that he wasn’t the one getting soft. Sae was. That had to be why he felt so much nostalgia right now. It was completely, totally, one-hundred percent his brother’s fault for doing something so sappy.

Sae opened the package, discarding of the trash into the empty convenience store bag, and split the popsicle in half. One half he kept, the other he handed to Rin, who mumbled “thank you” under his breath.

Their walk wasn’t so silent anymore. The two ate their popsicles, but Sae spoke between bites, “I didn’t just force you out here for this, you know. I do have something to tell you.”

Rin hummed, urging the other to continue.

“I told mom and dad about Ryusei. I thought it’d be good to tell them before I leave tomorrow morning.”

“How’d they take it?”

A soft smile graced Sae’s face as he looked at Rin momentarily. He really was getting soft. “Mom took it well, actually. She said she wants to meet him next time I'm home.”

The fact that he only referred to their mom told Rin one thing— their dad probably didn’t take it well. It would be no surprise if he didn’t, honestly. 

“What about dad?” he inquired, sure of the answer already.

“Dad… you know how he is. Told me that I need to focus on becoming a lawyer, that it’s my top priority. He said I'm just confused because I'm stressed,” Sae admitted. They had both finished their popsicles by now, and Rin had gotten the winning stick. Of course. Somehow, it reflected this moment. From what his brother was telling him, it sounded like he was losing with their father. 

“I’m not stressed. Or confused. I love him, Rin. And… I don’t think he understands that, yet, but he’ll come around.” Sae finished.

Rin didn’t respond right away. The two threw away their trash as they passed the convenience store again, heading back home. When he did respond, he said, “It’ll be fine.” But the truth was, neither of them knew if it would be okay. Their father was never one to come around easily, especially not for something like this.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “it will. For you, too. Things with… him will be okay.” Sae added, the name slipping his mind again.

Rin huffed out a breath, a small smile tugging at his lips, “You forgot his name again, didn’t you?” he asked.

“I did.”

And they laughed. They laughed like how they hadn’t in years. Things with Sae would be okay, at least. It was something stable among the absolute mess he had going on with everything else in his life.

—————

The next day was Friday. Sae left. 

Their goodbyes weren’t really goodbyes, just a “ see you later ” instead. It felt more natural than it would’ve if they hadn’t talked yesterday— it felt as though their relationship had been fixed.

But Rin still had another thing to fix today. A talk in the club room with Isagi after school. Alone. Thinking about it like that made it weird— he knew it would be awkward. And not even the type of awkward that was easily fixable, like he’d had with his brother. Awkward like the tension between them would be palpable as he confronted Isagi.

Didn’t matter, because here he was now— packing up his things as the last bell of the day rang. He’d wanted to catch Hiori in the hallway beforehand, but since there was no actual club meeting today, he’d left with Karasu. So, he headed straight to the club room. The school Isagi went to got dismissed slightly earlier than his— so it wouldn’t be too long before he got there. Rin hoped, at least.

He was right.

After about ten minutes of waiting (patiently of course!), Isagi showed up. The hallways had cleared up from what Rin could see, and the school was a little quieter— besides the other after school clubs he could faintly hear. 

Rin was sitting down at the same desk as last time, assuming Isagi would take the same seat as well. He was quickly proven wrong when Isagi sat three desks space away from him, near the door. It was very intentional from what Rin could tell.

“Social distancing,” Isagi stated, which was obviously a lie because that was much more than six feet, but Rin didn’t comment on it and the other continued speaking. Although, his tone had a hint of sassiness to it, the same as last time, “what’d you wanna meet here for? To speak about… ‘something’? How mysterious.”

Already, Isagi was getting on his nerves. He clenched his jaw, biting back his anger. This whole act, as if he didn’t know why he was here. No way in hell was Isagi that oblivious. Unclenching his jaw, he drew in a sharp breath through his nostrils and spoke as calmly as he could, “I just… heard some stuff from someone,” he’d avoided calling Hiori by name. He’d also avoided calling Hiori his friend, but that was besides the point. He continued, “You don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

“Hmmm?” Isagi tilted his head, seemingly confused at what Rin was implying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Enlighten me.”  

Oh. His confusion seemed sincere, but with that fake-nice act he’d put on at the debate Rin lost, he couldn’t be sure. 

“I’d prefer if you didn’t go tell your friends things about me that aren’t true. Also, I understand being confident in your skills, but you’re too confident. You’re arrogant. I don’t appreciate you criticizing my way of doing things, either. Debate is my passion, and hearing that you said something like that is…” he trailed off, choosing not to finish his sentence.

Isagi’s eyes widened as he realized what Rin was talking about. He straightened his face quickly, the surprised expression gone just as quick as it came. His tone was somewhat embarrassed as he spoke, “I didn’t think you’d find out.”

“Yeah? I did.”

Drumming his fingers against his knees nervously, Isagi muttered something under his breath that Rin didn’t catch. “What?” Rin asked.

“Sorry.” He repeated, fingers stilling against his knees.

“…Oh,” Rin said, surprised, “it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I think we should try and work better together, since our first debate together is on Monday.”

Isagi nodded, replying in his usual manner, “Sure. Since we’re here already, we could practice a little.” 

Rin agreed.

—————

MONDAY

The people that Rin needed to talk to when he arrived at school were his team members. They were all leaving second period for the debate, and Isagi was going separately (considering the different schools). So the moment that the bell rang for second period, he’d need to find them.

It wasn’t second period yet, though. Rin was, as always, early to his first period class. Unusually, instead of studying or writing notes down, he was on his phone, trying to get ahold of Hiori (who, unfortunately, was hard to get ahold of through text). Rin opted to call him after he’d sent the fourth text message in a row, unanswered. It made him cringe— he hated double texting—even more so quadruple texting!

Rin called once. No answer. So, he called a second time, and on the fifth ring, the line connected. 

“Hello?” Hiori answered, shushing someone in the background.

“Where are you? Are you at school yet. You know we have to leave after first periods over, you better—“ 

Hiori cut Rin off, “You’re always so worried. I’m not at school yet. You and Isagi are debating, anyway. It’s not like I have to be there at all. I will, though.” 

“No. You do have to be here. What if Isagi messes up, and I need you as my second speaker? He’s unpredictable, Hiori.”

Hiori sighs heavily and dramatically, the sound grating through the speaker of his phone. “You’re gonna be fine,” that reminded him of Sae’s words yesterday. It seemed like everyone was telling him the same thing, as if everything in his life was destined to turn out “ fine ” and “ okay ”. Hiori continued, “I’ll be there. Niko, too. Just do what works. You’re smart— you’ll win. Even with the addition of Isagi.”

As if Hiori could see him, he nodded, speaking low, “Yeah.” and then hanging up.

———————

The bell for second period came, and they left. Hiori and Niko were both there. When they arrived at the school they would be debating at, (which was neither his nor Isagi’s school) Isagi had texted him that he was near the entrance and to come find him. Rin rolled his eyes at that, but listened anyway, meeting Isagi by the entrance. He stopped in front of him, gazing downward into judging blue eyes.

“Isagi.” Rin said.

“Rin,” Isagi started, “do you have everything? I didn’t trust you to come prepared so I brought my school bag, too.” 

Scoffing, he replied, “No one told you to do that. I have everything we need, so you’ll just be carrying extra weight now. Don’t come begging me to carry your things later on.”

“As if I’d need you for that. I can handle myself just fine, thank you. You’d better hope,” Isagi leaned in, and their proximity to each other let Rin pick up on the faint scent of Isagi’s citrusy shampoo. Isagi continued, voice threatening, “that you can keep up. I’ll win this debate with or without you.”  Rin gulped, forcing himself not to bask in their closeness. Wait, what ?

Obviously, the debate was getting to his head and making him think despicable things. Nevertheless, he matched Isagi’s threatening tone when he spoke, “Don’t forget that I have way more experience than you. You don’t intimidate me. All that matters is that we win. ”

If there was one thing they could agree on, it was that. The only reason they were here was because they had a common goal in mind— win. Win again. Keep winning. Win nationals. Win until you become the best in the world. 

Even if it meant that they did destroy each other along the way, their goal was reachable. As Isagi had said, he’d win this debate with or without the other. Rin felt the same way.

Chapter Text

Rin Itoshi is a lot of things. 

Sharp-witted, in the way that he was good at thinking of things off the top of his head. Hence why he did debate, obviously. Whether it be insults, or anything besides that (although it was usually the former), he could always think of something to say in return.

Short-tempered— but that was a given. If someone managed not to piss him off within the first three minutes of conversing with him, it was a miracle. There were only a select few who were capable of that. He tried to maintain a facade of stoicism when someone got on his nerves— it never actually worked in masking his anger, though.

Resolute— he was a very determined person in certain situations. Like he would be when he was up on that stage, debating, in just a few minutes.

One thing that Rin is not— is tolerant. Never had he been willing to conform to behavior that he didn’t agree with. Most people would if it meant making things easier for themselves and the people around them. But Rin wasn’t most people. He was stubborn and intolerant.

Before he and Isagi had come backstage in preparation for the debate, they seemed to be getting along fine. Meaning they weren’t getting along as well as they should have for two people working together— but they were… existing in the same vicinity without ripping each other’s heads off. That’s progress, if you were to ask Rin— in comparison to before.

Key word. Were— past tense, because apparently, Isagi would get very… locked in, prior to his debates. Which might have been a good thing, but that also meant that he wouldn’t listen to a word Rin was saying. Rin, who was both sharp-witted and resolute, couldn’t voice his opinions to shitty Isagi because he refused to hear him out.

Isagi was adjusting the neckline of his shirt in front of one of the vanities— which Rin assumed was for the theatre kids, considering the box of garments and wigs next to it. He was muttering to himself between the words he exchanged with Rin. They didn’t really exchange words, per se. Rather, Isagi spoke about how he wanted this to work, insisting it was the smartest way to go about things.

Isagi moved on from fixing his neckline, which was now wrinkled, and began to mess with the strands of hair above his eyes. “I just don’t think your approach is gonna work, Rin.” he muttered. “I know you’re the ‘expert’ here, but you should really listen to me on this. I don’t—“

Rin cut him off before he could finish, finally getting his two cents in, “No. I’ve been doing this much longer than you, shitty Isagi. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” he stated. It was true. Rin had been debating a lot longer than Isagi, and he knew from seeing other people’s failure that trying to evoke emotion didn’t always work. Sure, it might capture the attention of the audience, but when it came to the judges, they weren’t  usually looking for what tugs at their heart strings.

Usually. Sometimes, it did work. But that was a rare occurrence, at least from what he had seen. Rin bets that Isagi is one of those “everyone’s a winner” type of people, with the way he doesn’t even make an attempt at being logical. Probably just in it for the hell of it, not caring if he wins. Rin knew that wasn’t how the world worked, though. It’s a naive mindset to follow.

The movement of Isagi’s hands in his hair paused, and he let his hands fall to his sides, gazing at Rin’s reflection in the vanity mirror. He spoke, “So what? That doesn’t matter. I think—“

Again, Rin cut him off, “You keep saying that.”

“…Saying what?” Isagi pondered.

Really, it should be obvious by now with how much he’d said those words. I think. If he was so confident in his ability, then why was he so unsure of the outcome? Almost every sentence Isagi said started or ended with “I think”. Because of his doubtfulness towards his own capabilities, Rin didn’t want to take any chances. 

“You’re doubting yourself. Stop saying ‘I think’.” he demanded, making eye contact with Isagi through the mirror. 

“I’m not!” he tried to argue, his voice rising in volume. Turning around, he faced Rin, his brows furrowed, “You’re wrong. I’m not doubting myself. I’m just… nervous,” his voice grew quieter, “I get like this before all of my debates. But i’m not doubting myself.”

“Why are you nervous.” Rin asked, although it came out as more of a statement, demanding reply, rather than a question.

Sighing, he replied, “Stage fright? I don’t really know. I’ll be fine once I get out there, so don’t worry about it.”

“We’re up in like, five minutes. You’d better not be like this when we’re up there.” Rin said, voice stern, but not harsh.

“I won’t.”

“We can… compromise. Take the logical and emotional approach. If you want.”

Isagi’s brows lifted in surprise before falling back to their usual position, and he nodded. “Yeah. I’m sure you have evidence for it. You stick to your part, i’ll stick to mine.”

Rin nodded in agreement.

—————

True to his word, Isagi’s demeanor flipped completely when they stepped out on that stage. The crowd was a little smaller than they expected, but to be fair, the school wasn’t as… prestigious as his and Isagi’s schools. Not that it mattered— they were there to debate, not to judge how well off or not the school itself was.

Two podiums placed across from eachother, turned slightly to face the audience. Aside from each of them were two chairs each— where Rin and Isagi sat on the left side. A usual set-up for a local debate like this. They knew that they had already qualified for regionals, this was just… a final determining factor, you could say. Debating at the local level was easy, and since practically all of the local schools debate teams knew the name Rin Itoshi it wasn’t hard to make it past this level. The hardest debates to get through would be the state and national levels. That was a future Rin problem, though.

Honestly, he didn’t even know the name of this school. Just goes to show how irrelevant it was to him. He didn’t bother to learn the names of his opponents either. One of them was a blonde with a distinct mole right under his eye. The other was a guy with very short hair, shaven down almost completely. Those two were up first.

The blonde stepped up to the podium with effortless grace, clearing his throat into the microphone. Today’s topic of debate; does social media do more harm or good to the teenage population? 

“Greetings, respected judges and humble opponents. We argue that social media does more good to the teenage population. I mean, we aren’t really sure, but it seems like a winning answer.” he said nervously. That wasn’t a… great start. Not good for them. For Rin and Isagi on the other hand, it was a very positive thing.

“Social media can allow adolescents to put themselves out there. To make videos or posts about things they can’t quite say in person. It’s a good place to find friends, too. People you can look up to, like influencers or.. something. That’s all.” stepping down from the podium, he cast a glance over at Rin, smirking slightly, as if saying we’ve already got this settled. It’s clear who’s winning. Rin merely scoffed, dumbfounded by the sheer audacity and the absolutely— to put it nicely— terrible opening statement. 

Scribbling something down on her paper, probably noting how that performance was absolute garbage, the judge looked up, waiting for the next opening statement. —Rin and Isagi’s. They exchanged glances before Rin inevitably decided to stand up from his seat and walk over to the podium. 

Standing up there, he felt that same rush that he always did. Adrenaline, maybe. Or something else, something much more profound. Excitement. 

He withheld his emotions at bay and started his constructive speech. “My team claims that social media has a more harmful impact on the teenage population.” his voice was clear, and he shifted his gaze between the audience and the judge. “Social media has a heavy impact on the way that people— especially those young and impressionable— view themselves and the world. They are easily influenced by the things that allow them to fit in with the crowd. Things such as doing drugs and alcohol, which are considered ‘trendy’, but can have serious consequences.”he finished.

He simply sat back down in the chair next to Isagi, who was practically gawking at him, when he finished the statement. He raised a brow at Isagi, silently asking “what?” before looking back toward his opponents podium. 

Somehow, that blonde was their first speaker. The first choice when debating against other candidates. It made him wonder how the other teams at this school were. “Any follow up questions or statements for them?” the judge asked the opposing schools team. To which, they both shook their heads. Rin cringed, thinking back to his debate against Isagi, where he had no rebuttal. This was like that, but in a different font. Nodding, the judge asked Rin’s team, “Would you like to follow up on your claim?”

Rin was about to stand again, but sat back when he felt Isagi’s arm on his shoulder, keeping him in his seat. Voice low, he muttered, “I’ll go. You’ve had your turn.” and Rin agreed. He didn’t even put up a fucking fight— when had he become so docile, especially to someone like Isagi? He bets that Sae had rubbed off on him during his visit, somehow.

The auditorium was quiet, aside from Isagi’s steps as he walked past Rin to the podium, adjusting the microphone to his height. He sucked in a shallow breath, quiet and slow, and it seemed as if his demeanor had changed again. When he opened his eyes, they had this glint of… he couldn’t tell what. Something softer. Concern, maybe? Sorrow? But with a closer look, Rin knew he had seen that look before, because it was the same look Isagi gave him that day. False kindness, fitting his nice boy facade.

When he spoke, his voice held a slight tremor, fit to his facade. “In the last ten years, social media has become prominent in every day society. Not just for teens, but they are the majority of the lives that it holds great value in.” he swallowed thickly. “In the last ten years, suicide among teenagers has increased by forty eight percent. One of the leading causes of depression is bullying. More specifically, cyberbullying.”

Isagi sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Was he… crying? If Rin wasn’t surprised before, he certainly was now. He glanced over at the judge, who held a hand over her chest in distress, her brows furrowed as she blinked away tears. “Excuse me, sorry,” he muttered as he turned his head to hide his tears (?). He finished, “Social media is harmful to everyone, of all ages, mental health. Even more so at such a… delicate age. If we don’t take preventative measures, that number.. forty eight percent? It’ll only get higher. Thank you.” and he stepped down from the podium, taking a seat next to Rin.

Obviously, the audience was moved as well. He could tell from how the air had shifted to one of sorrow, radiating off those watching in waves. 

When the winner was announced, they won. The other team, whose names he had found out with the announcement of their loss, got 19 points. Out of the possible 32. A below average score. Lukewarm, Rin thought. They likely got those points out of pity, because there’s no way they even deserved that many.

As for him and Isagi, they scored 28 points. He didn’t expect them to get all 32, considering that was nearly impossible with how judges scored things, and he wasn’t complaining about their overall performance and its result. He averaged somewhere between 25 and 32 points, so 28 was more than acceptable. 

He didn’t score it by himself, though. Most of the credit actually… went to Isagi.

—————

Backstage, they didn’t make conversation. Didn’t exchange a single word at all, actually. Just packed up their things and headed outside. 

Rin said his goodbyes to Hiori and Niko (and  reluctantly, his coach, Loki, whom he said farewell to cautiously). After they had parted ways, Rin began his walk, which he thought would be a peaceful time to clear his mind, like always.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how he looked at it), he and Isagi were both walking back home. School was out by now, meaning that they couldn’t get a ride back to school by bus, and not back home either. Okay. He could deal! So long as they weren’t going the same way— because that would make things totally, completely awkward— he didn’t mind having to see Isagi a little longer than everyone else. 

What was even more unfortunate, though, was that they were walking the same way. Much to his dismay. So, in a way, they were kind of forced to make conversation. An unspoken rule of sorts. 

Rin had just watched Isagi cry his eyes out on stage (which he had figured out that Isagi did actually cry since his eyes were now rimmed red and slightly puffy) and now he had to walk with him for… who knows how long without bringing it up? Practically impossible for someone like him. 

To his surprise, Isagi casually brought it up, and he was grinning ear to ear as he did. “Rinnn,” he sing-songed, making Rin’s stomach do something weird. “I’m glad we won. I have to tell you, though, that my sobbing was an act.” he laughed, mumbling an apology for it before continuing, “Did you know? I did cry, but not ‘cause I was actually sad or anything.” he admitted.

Tilting his head slightly, Rin turned his head and looked at Isagi, “I’m not stupid. I knew you were bullshitting. What,” he lied, scoffing, “you think I'm that lukewarm? That I thought you were actually crying? I know what type of person you are.” 

All of that was a lie. Well, not really. Kind of? He couldn’t say for certain. During the debate, seeing Isagi cry was odd. He couldn’t actually tell if he was crying because the topic affected him, or just to get points. Rin figured it was the latter, he just didn’t want to assume. Plus, that look in his eyes, the one he’d given Rin before, gave him away. At least to Rin. No one else in that audience could tell.

“Harsh,” he said in reply to Rin’s last comment. “and to think I was so confident in that. Man, now I'm disappointed you didn’t believe me!” Isagi huffed, his shoulders slumping dramatically.

“I might have if you didn’t show me what you’re really like. You know. Fake, so you can get what you want. Type of person who bitches about me to their friends and doesn’t think I'll find out.” Rin mocked.

Isagi’s shoulders straightened, and his voice got quieter, but not any less sassy, “You’re still stuck on that?” he questioned.

“No. You did apologize for it, which I hope you actually meant,” he told, hearing Isagi mutter that he did mean it under his breath. “I’m just saying, though. You’re not really a good person. And, hell, i’m not some saint, but you’re…” he trailed off, not finishing his sentence, to which Isagi rolled his eyes.

“I’m what, Rin? An asshole? Two faced? Distasteful? Nothing you can say that I haven’t heard before. Trust me.” he admits. No response comes from Rin. After all, he has a feeling he knows what Isagi is talking about when he says he’s heard it all before. The situation where he’d been outed, and the whispers— which eventually became clear insults, spat in his face— had become too overwhelming. For a moment, he feels slightly guilty. 

But Isagi doesn’t know that he knows. So he doesn’t bring it up.

They continue to walk in silence. And because the universe had some sort of hatred toward him, or because his karma for being… well, him, was finally catching up to him, it started raining. Rin didn’t mind very much, considering he had a jacket on over his shirt. Isagi, on the other hand…

He was cold, shivering slightly. He was trying to hide it, but Rin could tell. His stupid sprout of hair at the top was drooping, seemingly just as dramatic as Isagi. Rolling his eyes, Rin took his bag off of his shoulder and held it in his hand, taking his jacket off. He brought the bag back over his shoulder and held the jacket out to Isagi, not saying a word. Isagi stopped walking.

Rin noticed, stopping the movement of his legs as well. “What?” he asked.

“You just called me a bad person, now you’re offering me your jacket? What a joke, Rin.” The way Isagi said his name, like it left a bad taste in his mouth, pissed him off. Letting it slide, he kept his hand holding the jacket up, the offer still standing. 

“The cold doesn’t bother me that much. Take it.” Rin demanded. His voice wasn’t soft, but rather strict. 

Isagi listened. Unexpectedly. He glared at Rin but grabbed the jacket, pulling it over his shoulders. He didn’t even bother to take his backpack off, draping it over that too. Then, with one final mean glare at Rin, he continued walking. Rin followed behind him.

“Where do you live?” Rin asked.

“Less than a block away from here,” he pointed ahead to one of the streets, the walk to it not far from where they stood. “why? You gonna come stalk me, or something?”

“Don’t make it weird. I’ll walk you there so I can take my jacket back with me.”

Isagi nods.

When they arrive at Isagi’s house, the rain has slowed to a light drizzle, pattering against the ground softer than it had before. It’s quieter outside now. 

Isagi gives the jacket back to Rin, not bothering to thank him or even acknowledge the fact he’d borrowed it. They don’t say goodbye. All Isagi says is, “If you weren’t such a jerk, we might be friends. I guess I'm not much better, am I?” The question is rhetorical, and Isagi doesn’t expect an answer. Rin doesn’t give one. They part ways, and Rin heads home.

—————

At home, the first thing he does after taking off his shoes and school bag is head to his room, sitting down on the edge of his bed. His jacket, still in his hand, smells like Isagi— it makes him cringe. That distinct scent of his shampoo— citrusy and rough against his nostrils. Really, it makes him want to vomit. Or, that’s what he thinks by the way his stomach twists when he brings the jacket closer to his face. He realizes what he’s doing and stops himself from bringing it all the way to his face. All of this is just the aftermath of the win. The high that he’s on from winning is making him act like this.

Rin is feeling lazy after such a long day, so he decides against getting up and putting the jacket in his laundry basket. Instead, he lets it fall to the floor and lays down, curling his body in on itself. Pulling the blanket over him, he’s enveloped by its warmth. He’s tired— he didn’t realize how exhausted he was until now. As his eyelids grow heavy, he thinks of his brother’s words from a few days prior, when he had told him,“just give it a chance. Things might turn out differently than you expect.”

Then, he thinks of what Isagi told him. ”If you weren’t such a jerk, we might be friends.” 

Sae’s advice was good, but not applicable. Not for his situation with Isagi. He wants to get along with him— he’s trying. Maybe he’s coming off rude, because Isagi still doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate him. Even so, Sae’s words could be useful to him in the long run. But right now, Rin doesn’t think he could be friends with Isagi.

Drifting off, he silently hopes that might change.

Chapter Text

Two weeks— fourteen days— three hundred thirty six hours— twenty thousand one hundred sixty minutes since Rin had heard from Isagi. Not that he was counting, or anything like that. But he hadn’t talked to him, seen him, or anything of the sort. Not since that night in the rain, when he’d given Isagi his jacket. And when he’d gotten it back, it smelled like him. Thinking back on it made his stomach do that weird thing again. Something between nausea and… nothing else, actually. He’d just label it as nausea (for now), because that’s what it was. Him feeling sick at Isagi’s scent.

Aside from that, it was normal for him to be a little worried about it, right? That was his team mate for the next however long, so he should feel a little concerned. For if something happened to Isagi, Rin would have no way of making it to nationals because of Ego’s rule. That was the only reason he was worried about Isagi’s sudden radio silence. 

To take his mind off of things, he’d been working extra hard in his studies. —Staying after school, even on days he didn’t have debate practice, to take extra notes for chemistry or algebra. Even going as far as to skip out on getting a full eight hours of sleep to study. Rin was very strict with his sleeping habits, so this was… abnormal, to say the least. He himself had created that strict schedule for sleeping solely to stay energized and focused during the day. But, oh well, he thought. It was only doing a little damage to his routine!

On the positive side, his grade point average stayed high, at a 4.0. Anything less from him would be disgraceful (by his standards). On the negative side, Rin was already an excellent student, and the extra, unneeded effort toward school, to put it simply… was wearing him out thin. Today, in his first period class, that had become evident— not that it wasn’t already by the bags under his eyes.

The night prior, he had gotten maybe… four hours of sleep? Compared to the amount of sleep he was used to getting, that was practically nothing. The entirety of his first class period, his eyelids felt heavy, his vision going fuzzy as he tried to focus on the lecture. And at some point, he had fallen asleep, slumped over onto the desk, his head resting in his arms. 

Rin had fallen into a deep slumber by the time class ended, not hearing the insistent ringing of the bell, signaling the transition to second period. Unbeknownst to him, he had gotten a few… looks from his classmates as they exited the room, seeing he was still asleep. The classroom quieted down quickly after everyone left. Now, aside from Rin and one other person— Chigiri— the classroom was empty. 

Chigiri analyzed Rin’s sleeping form from his seat across the room. He put the rest of his belongings in his bag, zipping it up, before standing up and quietly walking over to Rin’s desk. He tapped him on the shoulder repeatedly until he grumbled, lifting his head and rubbing his eyes.

Rin opened his eyes, looking at the figure standing in front of him. He could tell right away who it was because of that distinct red hair— Chigiri Hyoma. They’d never talked up until this point, but there was a mutual respect between them. 

Leisurely, Chigiri asked, “You alright?” to which Rin simply nodded, because yeah, why wouldn’t he be alright? It wasn’t like he was that worried about anything (anyone), and even if he was worrying a little , those feelings definitely hadn’t been plaguing his mind for the past two weeks. It wasn’t affecting his sleep at all. Totally. So, overall, yeah, he was “alright”!

He continued to nod his head somewhat frantically, and Chigiri’s brows furrowed in concern (and in judgement). “Are you sure? Lately, you’ve been… odd. Like, you’ve been staying after school every day. This isn’t the first time you’ve fallen asleep in class, either,” Chigiri pointed out. “I know we’re not exactly friends, but seeing you like this is kind of… troubling.” he finished, voice lowering at the last word.

Silently, Rin agreed. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he croaked, voice still raspy from sleep, “you don’t need to worry about me.” 

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, Itoshi.”

Scoffing at the use of his surname, he said, “Just call me Rin.”

Chigiri rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, saying, “Right. Sorry. Let me know if you need anything, Rin.” 

Rin nodded again, less frantic this time as to avoid embarrassing himself again. As Chigiri headed over to the door, Rin grabbed his backpack and started to put his things away. Stopping in the doorway, Chigiri turned his head to look back at Rin, and decided, “You can call me Hyoma.” a small smile washing over his face. He didn’t wait for a response and left, leaving Rin alone in the room. 

“Sure.” Rin mutters to himself after Chigiri is gone, grabbing his bag and heading to his next class as well. 

When he steps out into the hallway, the vibration of his phone in his pocket pulls him out of his thoughts. He takes his phone out of his pocket, still walking. Hiori had messaged him. It was likely about their practice after school today, he assumed. Curiously, he clicked on the notification.

The first message read; “practice today!! don’t forget” , to which he sighed. Hiori still said stuff like this to him, even though he’d never forgotten a single practice. In fact, he was usually the first one there. He reacted to the message with a thumbs up emoji.

And then, another one came. “who am i kidding?? you wouldn’t forget. bring isagi if you want idc”, and Rin rolls his eyes, but contemplates it. He goes to his messages with Isagi, and it was bare, slight from the ones they’d sent a few weeks ago. His fingers hover over the keyboard— he’s just *thinking* about texting him. It’s not like he wants to see him, anyway. But if he were to text him, it could relieve his worries. So, he should text him, just so he can be sure that Isagi isn’t dead in a ditch, or something. Yeah. 

He types out a message, and doesn’t bother to read over it before he sends it. After it’s already sent, though, he does.

“Are you okay”. Sighing heavily, Rin realizes that his message includes zero context. It also happened to be sort of… ominous? He follows it up with another message after, explaining, “You went ghost after the debate.” . His fingers hover over the keyboard after sending it, before ultimately deciding to send another text. “And btw, we have practice today. Come or don’t .” then shoves his phone back in his pocket. He texted Isagi first, and he triple texted? That was not in typical Rin fashion— it made him seem like a desperate ex-boyfriend, or something. And Rin was not desperate. Anything but, actually. You’d have to catch him dead— like, six feet under, flowers on his grave type of dead— before he’d act desperate. 

Rin realizes he’s standing in the middle of the hallway, lost in thought, when his phone buzzes in his pocket again. Someone bumped into his shoulder, telling him to “ watch it” , and that was his signal to go to class before humiliating himself any further. 

—————

His eyelids droop repeatedly throughout the day, and he has to force himself to stay awake for at least eighty percent of his classes.

By the time the end of the school day rolls around, Rin has mentally prepared enough to go to the club room. Dealing with his team members and coach could seem like an easy thing to outsiders, but it was a difficult task. He knows there’s a possibility that Isagi will be there as well (he kind of hopes he is, not that he would ever admit the fact out loud. Rin only wants him there so… he doesn’t have to deal with Hiori alone. Yeah.), so he doesn’t hesitate to head to the club room when last period ends. Just so he’s on time. That’s all.

Rin stops in front of one of the glass trophy displays near the club room and makes sure he looks presentable. He smooths down a loose strand of hair down on the top of his head, giving himself a quick once-over.

With nonchalance, he walks over to the classroom their practice was being held in. Glancing inside through the window, Rin sees that Hiori and Niko are already there. Huh. It was a little unusual since he was early most days, but maybe he’d just walked slow or something, he thought. On the other hand, there was no sign of Loki yet, but he wasn’t exactly complaining. Isagi wasn’t there, either. Unsurprisingly, considering school had just ended. He opens the door and walks inside, closing it behind him. The two others look up at the sound of the door, Hiori taking the initiative to greet him first.

“Rin,” Hiori said as he waved him over, “hey.” In return, Rin grumbles something unintelligible under his breath. He walks over to the two of them, pulling a chair out from one of the desks and sitting down. Niko, ever the talker, simply nods his head at him. Rin returns the gesture as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. Isagi texted him back earlier, almost right after Rin had sent that text, telling him to “come or don’t”.

Hiori and Niko continue to discuss whatever it was they were saying prior. Their conversation becomes background noise as he reads the text from Isagi.

“were you worried about me?? i’m flattered. ill be there!! :33”

Rin doesn’t bother with a reply. He shoves his phone back into his pocket, and, as if on cue, the door opens. 

There stood Isagi, face flushed red. Clumsily, he shut the door and scurried over to where the rest of them sat, inevitably choosing to pull up a chair beside Rin. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, mumbling apologies under his breath for being late. Truthfully, he wasn’t late at all. Rin pondered how he’d arrived so quickly. Not that he didn’t know Isagi was coming, he just didn’t think he’d get here so soon. His school wasn’t that far, though. He brushes it off, choosing to lean back against his chair and fold his arms over his chest instead.

Once again, he was putting on that nice boy facade as if they hadn’t already seen through him. Rin looks over at Isagi and catches his eye. The blush on Isagi’s cheeks seemed to burn brighter when their eyes met, and he looked back toward the others. His eyes were strikingly blue today— even more so than usual. Glimmering with something unsaid. Rin wondered what it was, then decides that he doesn’t really care. 

Conversation continues around him, but he doesn’t catch anything they’re saying. Rin is losing himself in the depths of Isagi’s blue eyes. So blue. And even from this angle, he can see how bright they shine against the pale whites of his eyes. They’re nauseatingly beautiful bleak, and Rin thinks he might drown if he keeps looking. Yet, he can’t bring himself to tear his eyes away. Heat prickles underneath his skin like needles. Looking at Isagi like this makes his stomach feel weird. It makes his head feel fuzzy, his brain turning to mush.

He chalks it up to indigestion.

Someone clears their throat, and Rin realizes that he’s been staring for way too long. He also realizes that no one is talking anymore. Averting his gaze to anywhere that isn’t Isagi, with his annoying face, he asks, voice coming out as a mumble, “What?”

“You spaced out for a minute.” Hiori says suspiciously, and Niko hums in agreement.

“It’s nothing. I’m just feeling off,” he replies, “what were you talking about before?”

His tone is laced with sarcasm as he adds, “ Sure. We were talking about the district tournament.”

“We already know we qualified, so,” Isagi admits, referring to him and Rin, “I wanna make sure we’re both prepared. Preliminaries are easy, but after, we have to put in more effort.”

Scoffing, he rolls his eyes. Just who did he think he was, being so arrogant? Isagi had referred to both of them when he said “we”, so maybe Rin was kind of petty. Oh, well. “Preliminaries are easy. But you don’t know who you’re up against, yet. Besides, you shouldn’t get too confident— there’s still semifinals and finals after.”

Isagi furrows his brow, pouting his lip slightly, “We’re working together, stupid. Why do you think I'm the only one of us who’s capable of making mistakes?” he asked.

Again, Rin scoffs. A ridiculous question from an equally ridiculous person. Obviously, he didn’t need to worry about losing. He’d won every debate he’d been in (besides the one against Isagi, but that’s neither here nor there), so why would he lose now? 

“I’ve been doing this much longer than you. Shouldn’t that be enough of an answer?”

Isagi sighs heavily, rubbing a hand over his face, “Whatever. Preliminaries start this weekend. Which means we’ve only got a few more days to practice. We should use all the time we can get. My coach doesn’t have me doing team practice until after I’m done with all of…” he says, gesturing between the two of them, “this. I’m free after school pretty much everyday.” Rin nods, absorbing the information. He doesn’t offer a verbal response in return. 

Fine, he thought. If Isagi needed that much practice, Rin would allow it. All that mattered was winning, no matter the cost. Even if it meant he had to sacrifice a few peaceful afternoons to spend it with shitty Isagi. 

It couldn’t be that bad anyway.

—————

Rin wasn’t often wrong about things, but he could admit that this one time, he was very, very wrong.

From prior experience, he knew Isagi could be a little… much, at times. He’d dealt with it more than once by now, but still. It was annoying. The first two days of practicing with Isagi were okay at best. Like always, he’d gotten way too comfortable with bossing Rin around— as if he was in any position to do that. But that didn’t bother him too much, to the point where it had become overly irritating.

On the third and final day— today— Isagi was just acting… strange. 

When he first arrived at the club room they’d been consistently meeting in, he was quiet. And usually, Rin would appreciate the silence, since it was so rare for Isagi to shut his damn mouth. But it was… tense silence. Awkward. Like how he’d been with Sae before they “talked things out”.

Rin kept trying to talk about debate— strategies, et cetera. But Isagi would only nod his head or hum in response. Never had he been so obliging with anyone, let alone Rin.

Now, they were just sitting here, Rin trying to think of anything to say or do that would fill this unbearable quiet. He inhaled deeply through his nose, watching Isagi absentmindedly tap his pen against the notebook in his lap.

“Alright,” Rin finally said, “what the hell is your problem?”

Isagi didn’t respond right away. The movement of his pen against the notebook paused, and he set both items on the desk next to him. Inhaling shakily, he began, “Rin, can you be honest about something with me?”

His voice was a lot quieter than usual, and his personality was more tame. This must be serious. Maybe he was going to ask Rin why he’d been staring yesterday, but how was he supposed to answer? He didn’t even know the answer to that himself. He’d have to see a doctor soon if he kept self-diagnosing himself with new illnesses. Really, he might not be ill at all. Strangely enough, whenever he wasn’t around Isagi, the churning in his stomach stopped, and he could think straight. Weird. Back to the initial question— how the hell was Rin supposed to answer if Isagi asked him that?

“Rin?.” Isagi said, his voice soft and sweet like honey. He must’ve spaced out again.

He swallowed thickly, his throat drier than before, and replied, “Um. Yeah. My bad. What is it?”

Fidgeting his thumbs, he looked up at Rin, asking, “You know, don’t you?” 

Know? The fuck was he talking about? Slowly, he mulled over what Isagi might be referring to. Quickly, he came to realize what it was. —That tone. The awkward silence between them compared to the previous few days. The timidity. It all made perfect sense. Isagi was asking if he knew why he’d quit speech. A sensitive topic, he assumed. The real question was, how did Isagi know he knew?

Nonetheless, Rin admitted, “I do. I heard it from someone.”

Isagi’s shoulders slumped. That timid look had changed to something else. Disappointment, maybe? “I figured you’d hear it at some point. I just didn’t want you to see me… like that. I guess. I don’t really know.”

Silently, he understood. “Why not?” Rin asked.

The expression on Isagi’s face morphed once again, turning into something more embarrassed. “I know I said I lied about this, so this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but…” he trailed off, looking away as his cheeks turned a deep shade of pink, “I do look up to you. I thought you might not wanna work with me if you found out, and I didn’t want that, because I’m learning a lot from you." The flush on his face faded, and he looked back at Rin.

“I don’t care who you’re attracted to, Isagi.” he admitted, but the thought of him liking anyone made him feel queasy. “That has nothing to do with me. As long as it doesn’t affect your performance on the stage.”

Isagi smiles softly, voice laced with melancholy, “People still talk about it. When I’m around, they think I can’t hear their whispers. They laugh, and it… bothers me.”

Rin nods, listening to Isagi’s voice shake as he continued, his smile faltering, “I laughed with them, at first. But they don’t understand that that’s not all I am. And they say that word like it’s an insult. They use it against me, Rin,” his voice lowers to a whisper, muttering, “how can they judge me based on who I love? If sexuality was a choice, I never would’ve chosen this.”

The words left the air feeling thick, the weight of them almost too much to bear. It made sense why Isagi was the way he was. He was merely treating others the way he had been treated. Rin couldn’t say he knew what it was like to be judged for something you can’t change— but he did know what it was like to hear the way people would talk when they thought you couldn’t hear. Saying things that they would never say if it were face to face.

“I don’t.. see you like that. I mean, I know you’re gay. What difference does it make, though? You’re still you.” Rin admitted. He felt heat creep up the back of his neck, and— oh, shit. Was he the one blushing, now? 

Isagi looks up at Rin, a hopeful expression crossing his features. “Thank you.” he said.

Rin pitied the people who could act like that toward anyone. Being so miserable and unhappy with themselves that they could treat anyone, let alone Isagi , like that.

Fortunately, after such a layered conversation, the atmosphere had become less tense. “No worries,” Trying to lift the mood, Rin asks, “Can we actually get some practice in, now? You’re the one who was so adamant about practicing for preliminaries.”

“Yeah, yeah.”Isagi replies with a laugh, retrieving his notebook and pen from the desk. 

Isagi was still the same asshole he’d met a few weeks ago, but now there was a mutual understanding. Things might be less difficult between them, now, Rin thinks.

—————

The first day of the preliminary rounds passed by smoothly, and of course, they won. He and Isagi received an astonishing 31 points, and Isagi had practically jumped with joy when he heard the judges announce their victory. Rin didn’t show as much enthusiasm, and he did push Isagi’s hand away when he tried to high five him, but he was happy. Internally. It was easier to contain his joy considering he’d felt this feeling before. 

He didn’t downplay Isagi’s feelings of triumph like he might have before. Before, meaning prior to when they’d had that talk in the club room, and come to a mutual understanding of the other. Not friends, but something close to it. And honestly, it didn’t bother him as much as it should have.

For the second round of preliminaries, their opponents were almost as good as them. Rin might’ve been a little worried if it weren’t for the fact that he was doing this with Isagi. They had the advantage by using Isagi’s emotional intelligence, and Rin’s factual reasoning. 

Starting off, their opponents had the upper hand. Their opening and reasoning were strong, and they’d obviously had the judges in their favor. —Up until the rebuttal. Isagi snapped back, using those crocodile tears of his to manipulate the judges. Rin also had applicable mathematical evidence, and it worked out in their favor. 

The whole time, Rin didn’t doubt that they’d win, though. Sometimes, when he was debating by himself, he’d start off a little shaky. As long as he could keep the judges hooked, though, he’d win. That was his key to not getting ahead of himself and thinking he’d lose at the slightest mistake. Remember that he was him. Rin Itoshi. 

It concluded with their victory, again. Isagi seemed to be just as happy, if not happier, than yesterday’s win. Rin withheld his mask of nonchalance. 

To no one’s surprise, they’d won both the last round of preliminaries, and the semi-final. Somehow, Isagi’s excitement never wore off (and neither did the pre-debate nerves). 

They still had finals, but they had time before then. A week or so. That time was supposed to be used to “practice”, but Rin thinks that if Isagi practices anymore for the next few days, he’ll overwork himself. He didn’t want that. Then, who would he go to Nationals with? That was his biggest concern— definitely not Isagi.

—————

Isagi won’t stop nagging Rin about practicing. He told Isagi that he was going to short-circuit his brain at this rate, but his response was something along the lines of needing to get as much practice in as possible. Still, Rin denied his repeated offers to practice in the club room. —On the other hand, though, he did agree to meet Isagi outside of the context of debate practice. More than once, but that’s beside the point.

He and Isagi had been texting more often than before their “talk”, and most times it didn’t have anything to do with debate. In all honesty, he didn’t mind. Talking to Isagi wasn’t… bad . If he was in a good mood, he might even consider Isagi an acquaintance at this point (because he didn’t consider anyone his friend. There were people he tolerated, and people he didn’t. Isagi was part of the prior). 

The time they’d been spending together had just been spent hanging out socially. No Hiori or Niko, no debate, no practicing. Just them getting to know each other. It’s not like they needed to know anything else about each other, but it was helping them bond. That was good for a partnership, right?

Thankfully, now that he didn’t have to worry about whether Isagi was alive or not, his sleeping habits were back to normal, too. He wasn’t falling asleep in class, and he was getting his preferred eight hours. His parents must have noticed, too. At least his mom, who happened to bring it up at dinner. 

“You’re smiling more lately.” she had said.

He scoffed, because, no, he wasn’t. Rin doesn’t find satisfaction in just thinking that, so he says it aloud, “No. You’re imagining things.”

“It’s a good thing. I haven’t seen you smile this much since you were a kid.”

Stabbing a piece of chicken on his plate with his fork, he brings it up to his mouth and bites it, chewing slowly. He swallows, then mumbles, barely loud enough for her to hear, “It’s no one.” 

Quickly, he realizes what he said and corrects himself, stumbling over his words, “It’s— It’s nothing. I’m happy I'm on a winning streak again, is all. And we’ve got our final debate before the state tournament, so…”

She smiles wider, “Whatever— or whoever it is, I’m glad.”

Rin doesn’t respond, but he chews his food with more aggression than needed, as though it personally insulted him. The last thing on his mind was Isagi. Like he’d said, they had their final district tournament coming up, so he was happy about that.

In just a few days, they’d be one step closer to going to Nationals. Rin silently swore to himself that he wouldn’t settle for second place this time. Because if he wasn’t first, he was last— and all he wanted was to be number one. He’d win that final district debate, and obliterate his opponents along the way. All that mattered was whether or not he won. 

Rin’s mind wasn’t so set on “destroying” Isagi anymore. He’d merely use him as a stepping stone for his path, and instead, he’d keep him intact along the way. Isagi was useful .

 He wouldn’t admit the fact out loud yet.

Chapter Text

In the days leading up to the final district tournament, Rin came to a realization. At first, he didn’t entertain the thought. It was stupid and unreasonable. He must be sick from overworking himself. That had to be why he was feeling so delirious.

The reason being sickness was convincing enough for Rin, and the thought had become less bothersome as the days passed. Going about his days with routine as normal, his brain consisting of the usual concepts (which was solely debate). That was until he saw Isagi again to practice, and all of those thoughts came rushing back into his head. From then, he couldn’t push the idea of it out of his mind, plaguing his mind like a sickness (though this could probably be considered one).

He has a crush on Isagi.

Maybe it’s not a crush, per se, but he definitely feels something different for Isagi in comparison to the other people he talks to. Though it is a complex emotion to define, he knows for a fact that what he’s feeling isn’t love. Other people might consider it as such if they were to feel this way toward someone, but alas, Rin is not “ other people” .

Love is too strong of a word to use toward someone like Isagi— who is naive and arrogant, all the while still managing to charm the people he comes across. Charming them with his blue eyes, more blue than any ocean Rin has ever seen. After meeting Isagi, the color blue is so dull when it’s not his eyes. At least to Rin. Those eyes are always staring at Rin, gauging what he might be thinking. Alluring Rin them with his stupid nose, that’s too perfect to simply blame genetics. Then again, the skin of his nose is smooth and unblemished, so it must be natural. And… with his scent, that clings to anything he comes into contact with. Citrusy and warm, Isagi’s scent is sickly sweet, making the air feel thick when he’s around. Overwhelming because it’s so, so, heavy, and at the same time, it’s not enough. And—

.

.

.

He’s getting side tracked.

From what Rin has heard through online forums, social media, and the english books he gets assigned in class, love is identifiable by how “beautiful” it is. It comes crashing down over you like a dam bursting, rapid and terrifying. Yet, it’s simultaneously appealing in the way everything the object of your affection does makes your stomach coil. That weird feeling in your stomach what people call “butterflies”, and it can only be diagnosed by the person experiencing it. It is often confused with nausea, but Rin doesn’t acknowledge that fact.

Love is what, supposedly, every human searches for in the span of their life. Their purpose, if you will. Some people will say that they fell in love at first sight. You see the right person, and you realize you want to spend forever with them. See the way their life plays out alongside your own. They’ll worm their way into your mind over and over, until the thought of them becomes a constant. 

That is one hundred percent not what he’s feeling. At the utmost, he has a crush. That’s all. Anything else would be an exaggeration, considering he’s not even sure how to label what he feels for with a definite term. 

Rin has been… fond of people before. Girls. Yoichi Isagi is not a girl. So, that must mean that it’s not a crush, just something along those lines. 

The uneasy feeling he gets in his stomach around Isagi probably isn’t nausea. Rin knows that. In fact, he’s come to terms with it. But Rin isn’t … gay. He’s never looked at another male and thought that they were attractive, or that he’d like to be in a romantic relationship with them. So, he can’t be gay. —Even though he might be crushing on Isagi, he’s not gay. End of story.

Rin sits on his bed, deep in thought about this entire situation. His legs are pulled up to his chest, hugging his knees. Right now, he feels like the world is too big for him. His thoughts are too much for him to handle on his own, but he doesn’t know who he could talk to about this. 

Hiori isn’t an option. Truthfully, Rin knows that they’re friends. He also knows that he wouldn’t care, considering the fact that he’s likely dating Karasu (from what Rin has put together). But, he spends too much time around Hiori and it would just be too weird if anything did happen with him and Isagi.

Niko is not an option, either. Simply because they aren’t close enough for that. Rin knows that he’d keep it on the down low if he were to tell him, but it would be odd to tell someone he merely considers an acquaintance. They don’t even talk outside of debate.

Momentarily, he thinks he might tell Hyoma because he’d told Rin that he could talk to him. That idea is quickly dismissed.

Sae is… there. Rin could tell him, but what if Sae thinks he’s copying him, or something? He’d just told Rin about his boyfriend, so wouldn’t it be arbitrary for him to come out right after? To be fair, when he’d last talked to Sae, he’d told him to “just give it a chance”. There was further implication that could be drawn from that.

Burying his face into his knees, he grumbles. Who else could he tell? There was no one he was close enough with to admit this discovery to. They didn’t even necessarily have to be close, he just didn’t have anyone to truly confide in. Rin searches the depths of his brain for who he might be able to tell, but he has no friends outside of debate.

Rin concludes that out of everyone, Sae is the best option. Thankfully, Sae wasn’t visiting anymore and Rin wouldn’t have to worry about making things weirder (although, they’d begun talking more, so maybe their relationship wasn’t as weird as he thought).

Grabbing his phone from where it was sitting on the edge of the bed, he opens it, clicking on messages. Then, he decides it would probably be better to call. And he does, clicking on Sae’s contact at the top of the screen and tapping the call button.

It rings once, twice, and then a third time, at which Rin considers hanging up. On the fourth ring, the other line picks up, and a staticy “Hello?” comes from Sae. Rin does not respond, setting his phone back down on the bed in front of him and turning it on speaker. It’s just now hitting him that he doesn’t know how to communicate his predicament. On the other end of the line there is silence as well, apart from soft, rhythmic exhales. “ Rin?” Sae questions.

Rin doesn’t know how to say “I think I like Isagi. Yes, that Isagi. But I don’t know how to tell, and I didn’t even know I was gay. Is there something wrong with me? I’m not supposed to like anyone, let alone another man. I don’t get why I feel this way. I don’t know if this is a crush. It’s not love.” without saying it straight up. 

Rin simply asks, “How did you know you liked… Ryusei?”

Sae hums on the other end, and when he speaks, Rin swears his voice sounds softer, “I thought I couldn’t stand him. That’s what I told myself. I only figured out that I liked him once I started deliberately planning ways to spend time with him.” he huffed out a noise between a sigh and a laugh, as if reminiscing, “His presence bothered me in the beginning. I guess… without me realizing, he became a safe space for me, rather than a burden.”

He still doesn’t get it. How did Sae label his feelings so quickly? There’s a slight pause before Sae asks, “ Why ?” and Rin can practically hear the grin forming on his lips. 

“Nothing,” he lies, “it’s nothing.” 

But Sae knows better than to believe that. Rin isn’t the type of person to ask about things like that. And he knows about Isagi, so he figures that the new addition to his life had him feeling differently than he would’ve liked. “Relax. I know you well enough to be able to tell what this phone call is about. You want my advice. I’ll give it to you.”

Rin didn’t realize he was so tense until he feels his shoulders slump in relief. Of course Sae knew. He’d told him about Isagi, and he didn’t tell his family about anyone. They’d automatically assume that he was head over heels, because Rin always said he didn’t want friends . That also has further implication. Even more so, he certainly didn’t tell Sae about anyone. Isagi was the only exception. It made sense why he already knew, then.

“The right moment will come. I can’t give you an exact timeline. When it happens, it happens. Plus, I know you’re caught up with the whole… debate ordeal. But when the time does come, just tell him you like him— love him, whatever—” Sae is swiftly cut off by Rin, whose voice is louder now, more frantic.

“Don’t,” he practically yells, before lowering his voice again, “don’t call it that. Dumbass.” he hears Sae hum again, almost knowingly. 

“Don’t get so defensive about it, Rin. My point still stands. Tell Isagi you have feelings for him. The worst he can say is ‘no’.” Sae finalizes.

Rin is sure that his feelings aren’t mutual. Like, 60% sure. The other 40% is for unsure, because it seems like he’s unsure about a lot of things recently. Also because Isagi is, to put it harshly, a prick. He’s two-faced, a gossip, and way too cocky. Rin doesn’t enjoy those qualities in anyone. If it’s Isagi, then he doesn’t mind.

He nods as if Sae can see him, and replies, “Okay,” his voice a whisper, eyes darting away from his older brother’s name on the phone screen, “thanks, Sae.”

Sae’s stoicism he usually upheld was no longer present. His voice held genuine sincerity as he said, “Yeah. Of course.” 

And that was it. Rin clicks the button to end the call, the screen switching back to where he had clicked on Sae’s contact. His gaze flicks to the top of the screen, the time reading 9:17am. He didn’t have practice today, but he did have to be at the final district tournament later— which meant facing Isagi. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, because now he feels like he’ll act odd around Isagi.

Oh, well. 

—————

The hours pass hastily, much to Rin’s… distress? He doesn’t know how to name what he’s feeling right now. On one hand, he’s excited to debate, as always. On the other hand, he has to see Isagi after that phone call he’d had with his brother.

When he arrives at the school they’re debating, he meets up with Isagi. They don’t exchange words, aside from the usual greeting from Isagi. 

Once they get backstage, though, in preparation for this tournament, which is one of the biggest they’re competing in on their way to Nationals, Isagi’s anxiety flares up.

Rin is sitting down on a stool he’d found stashed away in the corner. Isagi is pacing, trying to distract from the upcoming debate. It’s a futile effort, because he’s visibly nervous— pressing the pads of his fingers to his lips, peeling away at the skin there. Rin knew to be used to it by now. The pacing, fidgeting, and rambling. Somehow, though, Isagi seemed more nervous than usual. Rin hesitated to point it out, but inevitably decided to do so. 

“Sit down. You’re making me dizzy.” he says; because he can’t just ask “ are you okay ?” like a normal person would. Isagi halts in place, the rest of his body unmoving. His hand falls to his side, and he keeps his gaze pointed at the ground. Rin quirks an eyebrow before standing up, taking slow, measured steps toward Isagi. 

When he stops in front of him, he calls, “Isagi.” to no avail as the other keeps his eyes toward the hardwood flooring of the backstage. “You’re spiraling. You always do this. It’s not gonna be any different from the last debate, or the one before that, or any of them. “ Sit. Down .” he says sternly, surprised by the firmness of his own voice. 

Rin hears Isagi mutter a curse under his breath before he finally lifts his head. From this close, he can see how Isagi’s lips are bloody from all of the peeling. He can see how he bites his bottom lip, releasing it quickly after, the sheen of saliva coating his lip. Not that he cares, obviously. Rin just didn’t want him to have a fucked up mouth when they were out there, is all.

Isagi’s rambling becomes more coherent now, and Rin looks up at his eyes, which have deep, bluish bags under them. They’re blue, but not blue like his eyes. It’s a blue bordering on both purple and black. He must have barely slept , Rin concludes. It’s quickly confirmed when Isagi says, “Rin. I’m gonna fuck this up,” he repeats, “Rin. I can’t go out there like this. I’ve barely slept. I’ve never gotten this far. You need to do this alone. I’m sorry.” His voice sounds like he’s on the verge of tears with how much his voice cracks, but he doesn’t shed a single tear.

Isagi keeps rambling apologies and curses. Rin might actually be kind of worried now. He’s never seen Isagi like this.

Placing his hands on Isagi’s shoulders, he shuts him up, “Stop. What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you wanted to surpass me— to devour me? You won’t be able to if you keep acting like this. Lukewarm.” his hands lower back to his sides, and Isagi stops talking, but his mouth stays open just slightly, as if he still has something to say. 

Backing up, Isagi comes to his senses, “You’re right. Why am I…” he trails off.

“You’re half the reason we’ve won these debates. We work, Isagi. Suck it up, and let’s get out there.”

Isagi gulps, nodding his head. He follows after Rin to head out onto the stage.

Isagi wonders why his heart rate is so elevated.

—————

Even after all of Isagi’s worrying, and the slight break down he’d had before that last debate, they won.

They received a trophy for their win this time around, since they were moving up the debate food chain. Rin let Isagi have it because he, quote, “has enough of them already,” and, “it would merely take up space.”

This meant that they’d be on their way to state, now. Which also meant being bussed out to some school hours away from his school and Isagi’s. The entire debate team would be going, though. Loki was allowing Hiori and Niko to compete locally once they reached their destination for the state tournament, while Isagi and Rin competed at the state level. 

State tournaments weren’t for another few weeks, so naturally, Isagi invited Rin out to practice.

He didn’t know that practice meant meaningless conversations over greasy diner food, with no mention of debate at all.

Yet, here he was, sitting across from Isagi in a small, family-owned diner near his school. Harsh fluorescent lights hummed lowly, the light being emitted from them more yellow than white. Soft chatter emanated throughout, lulling both Rin and Isagi to trainquility. Isagi had ordered a strawberry milkshake and fries, which Rin called him childish for, but opted to order the same thing, instead choosing a vanilla milkshake. 

Isagi’s face lit up when he sipped on his drink through the straw, obviously enjoying it. Rin watched. If he was being honest, he looked kind of cute stupid like this. He snickered internally at the thought. “Rin. You’re so boringgg,” he said, dragging out the word, “you’ve barely said a word to me this whole time!” 

Rin’s eyes flick up, face blank, “I’m content with listening. You talk enough for the both of us.” he joked.

Sighing heavily, Isagi props his head up on his hand, “Jerk. You’re just pissed that I’m not socially awkward.” to which Rin does not respond. They sit there in silence— not awkward, but not comfortable, either. Rin watches the people who come in and out of the diner, the bell on the door ringing each time. The sound of footsteps pulls them both out of their trance, looking over toward the source of the noise. It’s a waitress, walking over to their table, her steps vigorous.

She stops in front of their table, a polite smile on her face as she asks, “Do you two need anything?” and Isagi shakes his head left to right. “Okay! Holler if you need anything. And by the way,” she adds, her voice high— almost a squeal, “you guys are a really cute couple. I was just talking about it with the other waitresses.”

Silence. 

Rin surprisingly doesn’t hate the way that sounds coming off her tongue. Rin Itoshi and Yoichi Isagi. They work. They make sense. They are a powerful duo, so who’s to say they wouldn’t be the same as a couple? Sure, Rin can’t exactly pinpoint his feelings for Isagi, but he knows that he wouldn’t mind other people seeing them as a couple. That’s a thought for later, though. —Rin looks over at Isagi, whose face is flushed in embarrassment. Those blue eyes shift over to him, and for a moment, blue meets teal. He imagines himself grabbing Isagi’s hand and declaring, “Yes. Isagi is mine. Mine to work with. Mine to talk to. Mine to stare at. Mine to listen to and long for.” but it’s a stupid daydream that quickly dissipates. Rin shrinks back into his seat as far as he can, looking down at his hands. He thinks he’s blushing. He can feel his face and neck getting hot, and he doesn’t want either of them to see. Especially not Isagi.

Isagi laughs awkwardly and says, “We’re not a couple.” 

Now, Rin is the one spiraling. Why had he said it so quickly? Did the idea disgust him that much? It should. Rin isn’t gay. He has a crush on Isagi. But he’s not gay. Isagi is gay. It’s not weird to have a crush on him. Does he think Rin doesn’t want him? Rin doesn’t want to go through the trouble of being bullied for it.

The voices around him muffle, and he can’t hear anything over the rushing of blood in his ears. 

What seems like hours, but is actually a matter of seconds, he and Isagi are alone again, and his voice is bringing Rin back.

“Rin?” he asks. “Are you okay? You looked sick for a moment.” 

Truthfully, he’s not okay. He doesn’t understand any of this. Sae had told him he’d know when to say it, but is this what it would feel like until he got a definite answer from Isagi? At the same time, he didn’t want to ask, for fear of rejection.

He nods. And like nothing had happened at all, Isagi goes back to rambling about whatever he was saying before. Rin tries his best to listen, but he thinks he’s still blushing, so he doesn’t look up when Isagi’s eyes are on him. 

At the start of all of this, his goal was to use Isagi as a stepping stone to become the best. That raises the question; When did he start wanting Isagi like this? As well as; How does he make these feelings go away.

Because Rin Itoshi is not gay, and Yoichi Isagi certainly wouldn’t change that.

Whatever he’s feeling, be damned. He needs to push all of it away and dispose of Isagi once he gets what he wants.

Chapter Text

Since the last time Isagi had seen Rin, at the diner, he’d been unusually avoidant of him. Normally, he would give him some grace and respond to Isagi’s texts— yet he hasn’t responded to any of them (outside of the debate-related ones). He knew Rin was seeing all of his texts, because his messages had been left on read. No response. 

To be fair, Rin had seemed quite uncomfortable at the diner. Maybe Isagi had done something wrong? He knows that he isn’t the ideal person to hang around, but he didn’t think he was that bad. Sure, he had his moments… a lot of moments. But that’s besides the point. Isagi questioned whether or not it had anything to do with their last debate, then quickly decided that it couldn’t— Rin initiated that. 

To Isagi, Rin is a hard person to understand. He’s strict about keeping his emotions in check, and withholding his “I don’t care about anyone, or anything” facade. Isagi isn’t the exception to that. In fact, he’s surprised Rin is still putting up with him. At first, he was entirely convinced that he hated him. Or disliked him, at least. With the way he’s been acting lately, that hatred doesn’t seem to have dwindled.

Still, Isagi has been bothering Rin with daily messages, trying to get a response out of him. At practice, Rin acts like nothing has changed between them. It makes Isagi feel like he’s working for something out of his reach. 

Tapping the tip of his pen against his chin, Isagi thinks hard, searching the depths of his brain for some sort of explanation. He slumps against his desk, running a hand through his hair in frustration. Isagi thinks, and thinks, and thinks. 

Then he comes to a revelation. 

A while back, Isagi had broken down in front of Rin, telling him about why he’d quit speech— how he was outed for being gay. Rin said he didn’t care, but maybe he was avoiding Isagi because he thought ill of him, now. It made sense, and he didn’t see any other reason why Rin would avoid him like the plague.

Isagi drops his pen onto the desk and sits up, straightening his back. He grabs his phone out of his pocket and hastily types out a text message to Rin.

“We need to talk. Club room after school.” he sends, then realizes after just how ominous it sounds. The tone of that message was a drastic contrast to the previous texts (which had all been left on read), where Isagi was being.. nicer, compared to usual. He’s about to turn his phone off again, but then Rin starts typing— gracing him with a response.

It’s merely a thumbs-up emoji, but it’s more of a response than he’s gotten in days.

He decides not to question why the message says read so quickly, and shoves his phone back in his pocket. He also decides not to question why his heart is beating out of his chest, his stomach feeling fluttery. 

—————

Rin arrives at the club room first. It’s quiet in the absence of the other debate members. If it were a practice day, Hiori would already be talking his ear off, Niko at his side, nodding in approval. The silence is comfortable. This type of silence has been scarce for Rin these last few weeks. He revels in it while it lasts.

By the time Isagi arrives, Rin is half asleep— slumped against one of the signature plastic chairs offered by the school. The afternoon sun shines through the window bright, casting a golden hue over the room. Isagi watches as Rin’s eyelids flutter sleepily, arms crossed over his chest haphazardly. It’s quiet, save for Isagi’s labored breathing— that catches at the sight of Rin. He looks stunning. Isagi can't think of any other word to describe the sight in front of him besides that. 

Isagi knows that he likes Rin. The first time he’d gone through this— racing heartbeat, butterflies, sweaty palms— it was love. Not that he would define what he feels for Rin as love yet, but still. He digresses. Admitting to himself that he liked Rin is  safe. Love is difficult. In books and films, love is depicted as something beautiful. But those are the only things that love is not.

The first time he’d fallen in love, it was with Ryosuke Kira.

Kira was the picture perfect guy. Loyal, in the way he wouldn’t look at anyone but Isagi. Honest, in the way he’d told Isagi everything you wouldn’t want someone to know. Loving, in the way that he loved Isagi loud. He was never one to be quiet about it. 

Kira would tell everyone he came across about Isagi. Telling him how much he loved him was a daily thing. Isagi didn’t need reassurance, but Kira offered it anyway. Most of all, he was Isagi’s first everything. The person Isagi thought he’d spend forever with.

Until he wasn’t.

All of those “I love you”s withered away, becoming whispered words that were only spoken when he was in need of something. Isagi noticed. When he said something about it, those three words— spoken as minimally and infrequently as he could— became absent. Kira stopped saying it. Kira barely spared Isagi any acknowledgment, and when they broke up, he said it was because Isagi was “more trouble than he was worth”.

Since then, Isagi has strayed away from any sort of crush on anyone. That, and the fact that he’d been outed. Anytime he would walk past a guy in the hallway, he’d hear them say things like “Do you think he likes me? Why is he looking at me like that?”. And the people he used to call his friends told him they didn’t want to associate with him anymore, because “what if he fell for them?”. 

He didn’t know if Rin felt the same way as those people of the past. That’s why they were here— so Isagi could make it clear what his intentions were. He’d be fully truthful. Except for the part about liking Rin. He couldn’t say that yet. Then again, a little white lie never hurt anyone.

Isagi pulls up a chair across from Rin, who rubs the tiredness away from his eyes, blinking heavily. 

“Rin,” Isagi says as evenly as he can.

In response, Rin quirks an eyebrow, “Isagi.”

Taking a deep breath, then exhaling it, Isagi asked, “You’ve been avoiding me. Is it because of when I..” he gulped, glancing downward, then back up at Rin, “Is it because of when I cried in front of you? How I told you everything about how I’m gay, and how I was outed? I’m sorry if it makes you think bad about me, but I can’t change it.”

After Isagi’s short monologue, Rin opened his mouth like he was going to speak, then closed it again, lost for words. “Does it make you uncomfortable?” Isagi finally asked, voice small. He didn’t think this situation would be so… so… whatever this is. Awkward wasn’t the right word, because this wasn’t awkward. It just felt wrong to ask such an accusatory question. Isagi made eye contact with Rin, who was still sitting there quietly, unmoving.

After what felt like hours, Rin questioned, “What?” His voice was low, almost a whisper. “Where is this coming from? I told you before that I don’t care who you’re attracted to. Why the hell are you still asking this?”

His voice sounded… angry? Like Isagi was doing something wrong. Maybe he was doing something wrong. Rin had, in fact, told him that he didn’t care if Isagi is gay. 

“Sorry. I don’t know why I’m asking again. Sorry,” he repeated. “I guess it’s like an instinct, now. With the things people used to… no, the things people still say about me, I thought you might be the same way. You’re kind of forced to work with me either way, so you could hate me in silence if it did make you uncomfortable. That’s my mindset.” Isagi admitted.

Rin hummed, “I get it. You’re used to people treating you like that.” Isagi nodded, and Rin continued, offering him a half-smile. “I’m not going to. I don’t think you being gay changes anything.”

Isagi’s brows furrowed, then relaxed. Rin is being sincere, he realized. Rin, who hated him when they’d first met. The same Rin that had said he’d destroy him, calling him his rival. He didn’t think any less of Isagi for being true to himself. 

Isagi’s face heated up the longer he stared at Rin, half because of how beautiful he looked, and half because he didn’t care about Isagi being gay— he still saw him the same. That, in itself, was more than he could say for a lot of people. 

He bit his lip, turning away his reddened face. Because, fuck— this is embarrassing, isn’t it? He’d brought Rin here to have a serious conversation. And they did talk— but now, here he is, blushing like a maniac at the bare minimum. 

“Isagi,” Rin says again, confused by his sudden silence. But Isagi doesn’t look up. Instead, he stands up and grabs his bag off of the floor, mumbling as he does.

“You’re right. I don’t know why I was so worried about it. I…um…” he trails off, before saying, “I’ll see you Monday, yeah?”

Rin nods. Monday, they were going a few hours away for state. They’d completed (and won) the smaller debates, and they were moving up to the big leagues now. It made Isagi nervous to know he was getting so far in all of this. Not that he had expected to lose, but still. It was somewhat new to him, especially because he hadn’t been debating as long as Rin had. Not only that, but he’s nervous to be staying in a hotel with Rin. Isagi figures they’ll all get separate rooms, at least, but if they don’t, then…. 

Well, that’s to be determined.

Loki, Hiori, and Niko were going with, too. So, it’s not like it’d be the two of them in complete isolation (although he mulls over the thought of it).

Rin doesn’t look up at him when he speaks, merely keeping his gaze downcast, glaring holes into his hands. “Yeah. See you.” 

Isagi walks at a normal pace until he’s out of the club room, where he then starts to walk hastily toward the exit. His heart is beating so fast when he’s out of there that he could almost hear it. The thump thump thump against his chest serves as a reminder of what he was feeling. 

This feeling isn’t new to him. It’s not uncharted territory, or something out of the ordinary. Isagi knows exactly what he’s feeling for Rin. 

All of the stolen glances, staring when he thinks Rin isn’t looking. The shakiness in his voice while he tries to level out his breathing around him. Watching the way the sun catches in his eyes, teal and bright. Brighter than any star he’s ever seen, any light he’s ever faced. The way his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks while blinking because they’re so long. Rin is good at calming Isagi down, too. Before a debate, Isagi gets nervous. Rin speaks so gently, so sweet, that Isagi thinks he might feel the same way.

Rin has his imperfections, too. But Isagi finds those just as perfect. His nose is a little crooked, like maybe he’d been too passionate during a debate and accidentally hit his nose on the mic. Isagi chuckles at the thought. Cute. Rin’s hair is getting long in comparison to when they first met. Now, it hangs over his eyes, and Rin has to brush it out of his face when he looks down. Another imperfection that, to Isagi, is perfect. 

Yes, Isagi knows exactly what he’s feeling for Rin. He doesn’t put a name to it, yet, but he acknowledges the emptiness in his chest when Rin isn’t around. The dull ache at Rin’s unusual ignorance towards him. The butterflies in his stomach when he’s around him.

Isagi knows, but it’s a thought he’ll keep to himself. Rin would never feel the same way.

Chapter Text

Rin doesn’t know how he ended up like this with Isagi, especially after he’d promised to himself to deny what he felt— to push away those revolting emotions— but here he is. Standing face to face with Isagi in their shared hotel room (which Loki certainly did out of spite), close enough that he could smell the spearmint gum Isagi had been chewing during the bus ride there. 

This should feel wrong, shouldn’t it? It is wrong, which Rin had long since realized, yet, he can hardly bring himself to pull away. It’s not as if anyone would know if they (hypothetically, of course) did anything. Rin knows that Isagi isn’t that much of an oversharer, especially not after what happened with him being outed. He simply is not that type of person. Neither is Rin.

This all stemmed back to that day in the club room, where Isagi had asked if him being gay made Rin “uncomfortable”. Rin had told him that, no, he didn’t care what Isagi’s sexuality was, it didn’t change him as a person. Since then, they’d been on a texting, and calling streak. They’d hung out… on occasion. The last few times seemed more intimate, though. In a sense.

Even though Rin had tried— really tried— to push away whatever the hell it was that he felt for Isagi, it wasn’t as easy as it sounded in his head. 

His first, and only plan, was avoidance. At first, he thought it might be easy, since it was effective for the first… 24 hours? Give or take, of course. Obviously, it didn’t work any further than that, because the second that Isagi asked to see him, he caved. But how could he not? All Rin could seem to think about while attempting to (and failing miserably) avoid Isagi was how much he wanted to see him. How much he wanted to see him smile, hear his mocking tone when he thought he could beat Rin. The way his tongue would dart out against his lips, slicking them with his saliva. Rin wants to kiss Isagi so badly. He’s never kissed anyone, because there seemed to be no appeal to it. But Isagi flipped some sort of switch inside of his head, making him want. Want is an understatement. Rin all but craved the taste of Isagi’s lips on his own. He wonders if his lips would be soft, like his eyes on Rin when he’s not fired up. 

He’s getting sidetracked.

The point is, he tried to stay away from Isagi, but by some mysterious, invisible force, he couldn’t. It is that simple. Even now, as he stands here in front of Isagi, trying to force away his gaze from the sheen on his lips, he thinks about just giving in. He wants— no, needs Isagi— and he’s willing to do almost anything, including risking his own victory, purely to feel closer to the man in front of him.

What he’s not willing to risk is losing Isagi. So, even with every cell in his body telling him to stay close— take what he wants— he doesn’t. Who knows if Isagi feels the same? Rin had been, to put it bluntly, an asshole towards Isagi for the majority of their time together. And vice versa. Rin put most of his energy and time towards debate, so he wouldn’t have time for a relationship anyway. Yeah. That’s it. It would be a distraction, Rin tells himself silently. 

Sucking in a sharp breath, the cold air from the AC hit the back of his throat as he willed himself away from Isagi. At the same moment, Isagi took the hint and took a step back as well. His gaze flicked to the carpeted flooring of the hotel room, staring at it as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. His hand came up to clutch at the fabric of his sweatshirt against his left arm, a telling sign of his nerves. Rin caught his bottom lip between his teeth, running a hand through the locks of his hair. Quiet overtook the room, the sound of the air conditioning the only thing reminding them that they were there, and that someone needed to break the silence.

Letting his arm drop back to his side, Rin turned his head away even though Isagi wasn’t looking up at him. The tension was making this more awkward than it had to be, Isagi should say something. Or maybe he should say something, Rin thought. And that’s what he, ultimately, decided on.

Clearing his throat, Rin didn’t look away from where his gaze fixed on the bedside table, admitting, “I’m not…”

 The rest of the sentence went unsaid until Isagi asked, “Not… what?” his voice small in comparison to how it usually was.

Rin mulled over what he was actually trying to say in his head. Isagi waits, and even though Rin hadn’t looked at him, he could tell that Isagi’s focus was on him now. Rin thinks about telling the truth— I’m not sure how I can deal with this by myself. I needed to tell you because it felt like my heart would explode if I didn’t. I want you. I need you. You’re everything. Why don’t I feel this way about anyone else? Why are you different?

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he settles for saying, “I’m not into you like that,” and he still can’t look at Isagi. He doesn’t want to know what type of judging expression he’s making right now. “…You get it, right?” he asks.

He can’t tell what Isagi is thinking when he finally sees his face, because what he receives is a blank stare. Then, a slight furrow of his brows, and his lips part as if he has something to say. Rin swears he hears the faintest “No” come out of his mouth, but he blames it on his imagination running wild. Isagi closes his mouth and the corners tug downwards. When he does speak, it is soft enough that it can hardly be classified as a whisper, “I… get it. I feel the same.”

His tone is shaky, and it makes Rin doubtful that he understands what he’s trying to tell him. Still, this was the right thing to do, and Rin decides against asking Isagi if he’s alright. 

“I don’t like you like that, either.” Isagi adds for clarification. 

It should make Rin’s heart feel lighter— he has no reason to feel this way anymore. Isagi doesn’t reciprocate, and he can get over it now. Right? Right. But it only serves to make his heart feel heavier— making the air seem thicker, harder to breathe— as if a weight had been dropped in the dip of his chest, nudged between his ribcage. “Sure. Yeah. That’s…” he struggles to think of a word fit for the context, settling on, “cool.”

Isagi offers a stiff nod of his head in response. Rin doesn’t know what else to say. He doesn’t want to keep this conversation going, anyway, considering how obviously tense it is. He nods his head back slowly before heading over to one of the twin-sized beds offered in their room. As if things couldn’t get any more awkward, Isagi happens to walk over to the same bed as Rin. When they realize what they’re doing, Isagi’s hand is already gripping the duvet, about to pull it back. They should have discussed this before things got awkward, Rin thinks.

Isagi pulls his hand away like it’d been burned by fire, still speaking in that soft tone that made Rin’s stomach queasy. “Sorry. I’ll take the other one—“

But Rin is quicker, and he cuts him off before he can finish, “It’s fine. You apologize too much.” and walks over to the other bed, pulling back the duvet and slipping under it swiftly. Isagi doesn’t realize he’s still standing, staring at the back of Rin’s head as his hair falls over the white pillow neatly, until he adds, “And you should get some sleep. Be prepared for tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Isagi mutters back before laying down under his own sheets, reaching over to their shared bedside table to pull the lamp chain and switch off the lights. He settles into his bed comfortably and says into the quiet of the room, “Goodnight, Rin.”

Rin’s heart is beating out of his chest, and he curls in on himself, the sheets rustling under him. He can feel the blush across his face as his earlier stoicism crumbles. And— fuck— he’s in deep, isn’t he?

Rin squeezes his eyes shut tight and doesn’t respond.

—————

In the morning, Rin and Isagi don’t talk. 

They go about their business quietly, and Rin tries not to spare a single glance at Isagi. 

But they’d have to talk at some point, wouldn’t they? They have to debate today— and state is no small deal. They’ve worked their way up here for weeks. If he had a choice, he would choose to win and get the boy, but in this situation, it’s either or. Atleast for now. He’d made things clear with Isagi last night, and now all they had to do was win this debate today and everything would be normal.

Even when they make their way to the debate, Isagi puts on his headphones and sits away from everyone, leaning his head against the cold glass of the bus window. Rin thinks about sitting next to him, but chooses not to— instead sitting next to Hiori— who, in turn, does not stop talking the entirety of the fifteen-minute drive there. Albeit, Rin does entertain the conversation.

He told Hiori about his “thing” for Isagi, but he says he already knew. Rin calls his bluff, much to no avail. One thing from their conversation stood out to Rin, though. Hiori had told him, “He likes you too. I don’t think he knows it yet. Just give it time.”

It’s similar to Sae’s advice in a way. Because of that, Rin actually agrees to take that into consideration.

He is willing to wait, if it’s for Isagi.

————

When they arrive, they head backstage after being instructed to by Loki. Rin looks at himself in the full-size mirror that’s placed against one of the walls, adjusting the tie of his suit. He wouldn’t usually dress up— at least not to this extent— for a debate. This is different. This is state. After this, they’ll be at Nationals— the thing they’d been working towards for ages.

As Rin smooths the blazer of his suit over with his hand, he looks at Isagi’s pacing reflection in the mirror. —Rin knows about Isagi’s pre-debate nerves by now, but he thinks that they would’ve calmed down a little after debating so many times. Apparently not, as he can hear Isagi muttering to himself as he paces back and forth, wiping his sweaty palms off against his ironed dress pants. 

Last night, he didn’t ask if Isagi was okay. Maybe he didn’t need to. But right now, he did— Isagi was probably more nervous than usual, with this being a bigger debate and all. Rin also wanted to ask for the sake of his sanity. Still.

“Isagi,” he attempts. No response comes, and the other boy doesn’t stop his anxious movements. “Isagi.” Rin tries again.

Stopping in his tracks, Isagi replies sternly, almost angrily, “What? I can’t fucking… deal, right now. Especially not after last night. Just leave me alone, Rin,” and Rin notices that Isagi’s hands are shaking in the absence of his full body movement. “Please.” Isagi pleads. Rin also notices that Isagi’s face, which is usually lit up with a mischievous smile or cocky smirk, is clearly stressing. He lets it slide— even when Isagi gets nervous, he always pushes through— he’ll be fine once they get out there.

Rin only hums in response. As if on cue, Loki stalks over to them from his previous position, talking to the judges. “The judges are waiting on you guys. Ready whenever you are.”

Glancing back at Isagi’s pale face through the glass of the mirror, Rin responds, “Yeah. We’re coming.” not bothering to wait on Isagi before he starts heading upstage.

————

“What the fuck was that out there, Isagi?!” Rin practically shouts the second they get backstage again, following the end of the debate.

When it was their turn to speak, Rin let Isagi talk first, to get over his nerves. He sounded like he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, even though they’d spent days preparing to debate this. Again, Rin let it slide. But once Isagi spoke again, he ended it with an apology. A fucking apology. To say Rin was baffled was an understatement. He’s more than surprised that they won— Rin had to go all out with what he said just to draw the judges attention away from Isagi’s inadequacy.

Surprisingly, they won. Barely. One more point to their opponents and they would’ve lost. Their opponents had a fluke in their refutation that supported the counter argument, taking away from their credibility. To put it in simpler terms, they got lucky. That’s the first time he’s come so close to losing since Isagi beat him. The entire time, he couldn’t help but think; is this because of me? Backstage, Isagi said he couldn’t deal, especially not after last night. Things had been weird since then, and now this…

Presently, though, Isagi lets Rin insult and scold him for his downright terrible performance.

“Do you know you could’ve cost us that entire debate? Do you…” he pauses, taking a deep breath to calm himself down, “Do you know how hard we’ve been working towards this? All I want is for us to win Nationals. I want to win with you, Yoichi.”

Isagi stares at Rin like he’d grown a second head. Yoichi. He called me Yoichi, Isagi thinks. It doesn’t click as to why for Rin yet. “I do know. I’m… stressed out, okay? Everything’s hard, and I’m overwhelmed with how far we’re actually getting,” he pauses, “I didn’t think we’d be able to do all of… this.” Isagi says, gesticulating his hands for extra emphasis.

Rin sighs, “You hold yourself to a high expectation, but you’re still in doubt of your capabilities. That’s not how you win, Isagi.” He’s back to calling me by my family name already, Isagi thinks.

In all of Rin’s years debating, he had come to realize that self-doubt was the only thing that could hold a person back. If you weren’t confident in what you could do, then when the time came, you’d be too unsure of what you could and could not do. It’s a cycle that repeats itself endlessly. He suffered from it, too, before seeking out what was holding him back and getting rid of it. 

Isagi is nothing extraordinary when it comes to everyday life. But as a debater, Isagi is much more than that. Isagi is driven and passionate. He’s smart, and he knows how to work for what he wants. The only thing holding him back is his doubt in his own skill.

Rin wants him to know these things. So he tells Isagi;

“I thought after coming all this way you’d realize just how capable you are. You haven’t. It’s lukewarm, really. All you have to do is see your own abilities,” Rin more so mutters than speaks clearly, but Isagi hears him, “I know how far you can go. You’re one of the best debaters I’ve come across, Isagi.” Rin admits.

Isagi is in awe. He has no words to describe how he feels. Not for Rin, not for debate, not for any of this. His heart feels like it’s swelling ten times bigger inside of his chest, threatening to thump loud enough for Rin to hear. And Isagi can feel the pressure building in his eyes. He knows who he wants—he wants Rin. Even with all of the ups and downs they’ve had, he’s fallen irreversibly in love with Rin. It hurts to love Rin in the way that tears burn behind his eyes, threatening to escape. It hurts in the way that Rin doesn’t understand social cues, or even how to tell what anyone else is thinking. Yet, it feels good. It feels like desire, and devotion. It feels good to want, because it’s Rin. 

By the time Isagi realizes he’s crying, he doesn’t have a good explanation. So, he settles for telling Rin something just as important instead. 

“You called me by my name.” 

Chapter Text

Nationals are similar to State in the way that they progress. It builds up from the smaller tournaments and up to the final championship, which Rin knows they will, inevitably, win. They’ve won every tournament thus far, even the ones where Isagi came this close to making them lose. (Rin knows those almost-losses are partially his fault, but he wouldn’t dare admit the fact out loud.)

Rin has learned to manage Isagi’s pre-debate nerves— be it the hyperventilating or self-doubt— he’s figured out how to help Isagi stop spiraling. Isagi’s nerves seemed to die down, though. It didn’t matter how many times they’d debated. 

Still. Even though they’ve come this far, Rin does not feel like he’s won anything. Sure, he has trophies and records that prove his victory, but those are not the rewards he strives for. 

—Before he met Isagi, winning gave him an unrivaled sense of exhilaration. His heart would thump wildly in his chest with adrenaline, sweat dripping down his forehead. His chest would heave with sharp, loud breaths. It was never a surprise when he won— Rin was always sure he would. That’s what he was notorious for.

But after Isagi had weaved his way into every aspect of Rin’s life, it was as if a flip had been switched in his head. Those medals and trophies felt like worthless scraps. They did not shimmer brightly enough in comparison to Isagi’s smile, that Rin had been lucky enough to see in its purest form.

Rin had not won anything. The true reward— better than any trophy or medal could ever be— was Isagi.

It’s cliche. It’s cheesy. Rin knows. 

He also knows what he’s feeling. He’d finally figured out what name to put toward the aching, hollow feeling he gets when Isagi is not around. 

.

.

.

It’s too hard to admit what it is to himself. He chooses not to even think of that word until he knows he can say it. Rin has to say it soon, otherwise he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to.

————-

When they’re flown out to Nationals, Rin and Isagi sit together.

Isagi asked to sit next to him with an awkward laugh and apologetic expression.

Rin didn’t know why Isagi felt sorry for sitting with him. Really, he didn’t care. All that mattered was that there were other open seats and he chose to sit near Rin. 

Rin was ecstatic. Internally. He did not make that clear aloud. Still, it was… awkward, to say the least.

It’s awkward because they haven’t really talked since Isagi had broken down at Rin calling him… Yoichi. Rin grimaces just thinking about it. Partially because it’s making him uncomfortable that Isagi cried over something so… so… minuscule. And partially because he feels bad for making him cry. (Was he in the wrong? He didn’t mean to make Isagi cry.) 

Rin’s fingers dig into the fabric of his sweatpants where he rests his hands against his knees. When he’d first met Isagi, he wouldn’t have cared if he cried. It’d just be another thing to add to the list of reasons Isagi annoyed him. That’s all he used to be to Rin. An annoyance. Someone he could hardly stand to be around. Now? The thought of seeing those sapphire eyes, gleaming with tears that would eventually fall— he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Rin digs his hands into the fabric deeper, and, shit— he’s in deep, isn’t he?

Much to Rin’s dismay (or joy) Isagi must’ve noticed that something was wrong, because he taps Rin’s shoulder, looking at him like—

Like he’s the only thing Isagi’s ever wanted. Like Rin is water, and Isagi is parched. He—

“Rin?” Isagi asks in a soft, almost whisper-like voice, “you okay?”

And Rin wants Isagi to be quiet. He needs him to be quiet. His voice is too soft. His voice doesn’t sound anything like what it used to. It used to be agitating— grating against his ears. But now, Isagi’s voice runs smooth over his ears, and he can’t get enough. He needs to shut him up by slamming his lips against Isagi’s. To turn that smug look he usually has into something surprised— flustered.

“You’re kind of red, Rin. Do you have a fever?” Isagi asks as he tries to bring his hand up to feel Rin’s forehead. 

Rin turns his face away and grits out, “I’m…” he sees Isagi’s hand fall back to his lap in his peripheral vision and finishes, “fine.”

“Okay. I…” he trails off momentarily, “I don’t want you being sick at Nationals.”

“I’m not sick, Isagi.”

“Oh,” he says, “You’ve been taking care of me. I just wanted to check up on you. Are you sure you’re alright?”

Rin huffs out a breath, feeling the tips of his ears burn hotter, “I said I was, didn’t I?” 

Isagi nods, admitting, “Yeah. I’m worried. That’s all,” he trails off, “but if you’re okay, I’ll stop bothering you.”

“Whatever.”

That’s all the conversation they have.

 Isagi hums in contempt and puts his headphones back on, sinking further into his seat. Rin looks out the window and thinks he might be redder than before. And— he can’t even face Isagi anymore, can he? He puts on his sleeping mask and squeezes his eyes shut under it.

————

They arrive at the hotel, and Rin is worried about who he’ll have to room with until—

Loki tells them they’ll all have separate rooms. All Rin can think is Thank God, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to room with Isagi again, because of what happened at State. They all room on the same floor, unfortunately, and Isagi just to happens to be only three rooms down the hall.

They’re given their keycards and told to get some rest before morning practice. 

Rin does exactly that.

Well, sort of.

When he gets to his room, he scans the keycard and is already dialing Sae’s number by the time the door is open. Rin thinks that he might be the only person that can help him. Because why the fuck can he hardly stand to be around Isagi now? It was like that before, too, sure. But he simply couldn’t stand to be around Isagi because he didn’t like him back then.

Now, he likes Isagi too much.

Rin shuts the door behind him, dropping his bags on the floor and sitting down on the bed. Rin brings his knees to his chest as he hears the ringing of the phone in his ear. Pick up, pick up, pick up. 

Sae does pick up, but only after Rin dials his number a second time, praying to some higher power that he’d pick up the damn phone.

He hears rustling on the other end, then hushed scolding from Sae, telling someone to be quiet. Rin wonders if it’s Sae’s boyfriend. The thought doesn’t linger as Sae speaks, “Rin,” he hears more rustling before Sae says, “you never call. What’s wrong?”

Rin knows that his brother isn’t stupid. He only calls when something’s up. But he wouldn’t admit that. “Nothing’s… wrong.”

“Then why are you calling me? I was in the middle of something.” Sae questions.

Rin doesn’t know how to say it without just… saying it. So, he does. He says everything that’s on his mind, because it feels like he’s losing it, keeping everything bottled up.

He rambles, “I really like him, Sae. I don't know what to do. It’s—“ he hesitates momentarily before continuing, “It’s driving me insane. I want him so bad. I can’t stop thinking about him. This is too new. It’s terrifying. I feel like I'm drowning. I can’t—“

“Calm down, Rin,” Sae states, sounding somewhat concerned by the suddenness of the situation.

Hearing that, Rin closes his mouth and inhales a deep breath through his nose. He exhales shakily, and he’s sure Sae can hear it on the other end.

Rin twirls a loose thread on the end of his shirt anxiously. Hesitantly, he whispers, more so to himself than to Sae, “…What do I do?”

Sae hums, like he already knew all of this was going on. “Tell him.” he tells plainly.

And Rin stills. Because that’s really all he has to do, isn’t it?

But it’s not that easy— at least, not to him. Isagi was nothing like anyone he’d ever known before. What if he said the wrong thing? What if Isagi thought he was poking fun at him? What if Isagi didn’t want him back? There were too many risks. Then again, could anything be worse than the swelling of his heart from keeping this secret contained?

“Why aren’t you surprised by this? I’ve never…” wanted anyone like this, especially not another man, goes unsaid.

Sae sighs, “Should I be? The way you act about Isagi is not normal behavior for you. You’ve never obsessed over anything like this— not even debate.”

And Sae is right. He always is.

Both ends of the call stay silent for a moment, before Rin asks timidly, “Is it okay for me to feel this way towards him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isagi is a boy. So am I. It’s not…”

Oh. Sae’s end of the call goes silent. Rin didn’t finish what he was saying, but Sae knew what he was implying.

Sae’s voice sounds stern, “Some people won’t like that you’re gay, Rin.” he admits, “Don’t let it get to you. You can’t control who you love.”

Sae says the word love so easily, as if it doesn’t matter at all. As if it means nothing.

“It’s not like that.” Rin urges.

Scoffing, Sae mocks, “Sure it’s not, Rin. Why else would you have called me, out of everyone?”

As always, Sae makes a good point. Rin doesn’t want to continue this conversation any longer— he keeps being told exactly what he doesn’t want to hear. Tell him. Some people won’t like that you’re gay. Love. You’ve never obsessed over anything like this. 

.

.

.

Rin realizes he hasn’t responded when Sae clears his throat on the other end.

“No, I…”

“Rin—“

Sae’s voice cuts out, the phone going silent as Rin ends the call. Fuck. He doesn’t want to hear any more of that. He just wants to get some rest, and in the morning, practice until he drops. 

Not bothering to change into something more comfortable, Rin crawls under the sheets, still wearing his jeans and t-shirt. Reaching over to turn off the bedside lamp, he sets his phone there, too. As soon as he starts to doze off, he hears his phone ding with a text message.

He doesn’t check who it’s from. Instead, he stays where he’s at until he’s lulled to sleep by the silence of the hotel room.

—————

In the morning, Rin does not wake up in time for practice. It’s unusual. He’s quite punctual most of the time, but his head has been muddled lately. He rushes to get himself together, and somehow makes it out of the door on time. 

Rin, Isagi, Hiori, Niko, and Loki meet in the lobby of the hotel first, then head to their temporary practice spot (a private room in a nearby library) as one.

By the time they arrive, it’s well into the afternoon.

There are six seats in the room they chose. Three on each side of the table. Isagi still chooses to sit directly next to Rin.

“Rin and Isagi,” Loki says, “you two have to be fully prepared for tomorrow. Although Hiori and Niko are here as backup, you two are the ones that will— or won’t— win our team that trophy.”

Rin sits up straight in his seat. Everything they’d done this far— everything they put into this— was being put in jeopardy. Blood, sweat, and tears. Not only that— Rin could lose everything if they didn’t win. Isagi was debating with him for a reason, right? If they didn’t win, then…

He doesn’t want to think about what would happen with Isagi.

Loki continues, “I hope this is putting a lot of pressure on you two—  it should— this is a very serious matter,” he pauses, seemingly in thought, then reassures, “Nonetheless, I don’t doubt that you can win this. Especially with you on this team, Rin.”

When everyone shifts their gazes to look at Rin, he feels suffocated. The future of this team lied in their hands. But… why was this bothering him so much? He even felt sort of anxious, which was out of the ordinary for him.

“That’s all. In simpler terms, I expect nothing but victory. Any questions?” Loki questioned.

There was silence until Isagi muttered, “After this is over, what does that mean for me?” he asks. And truly, what did it mean? —“I’m not actually part of this team. I’m a stand-in at most. So, what do I get out of all of this?”

Loki seemed to mull over his inquiry before responding, “Recognition. That’s what you’ll receive. You will also receive the opportunity to debate with my team again,” he adds, “a joint team, of sorts.”

Isagi nods, but doesn’t speak further.

“Alright. If that’s all, you guys can get to work. Do whatever is most helpful to you for tomorrow. As I said, I expect nothing but the best.” Loki declares.

And they do. Rin tries to ignore how hard his heart is beating because of his proximity to Isagi. He can’t. At this rate, he won’t be able to debate tomorrow at all.

—————

Rin gets back to his room after taking a long walk to clear his head, and decides that he needs to take a hot shower and go to sleep. That’s all he needs. 

He goes through the motions of undressing, stepping into the unfamiliar shower unhurriedly. The warm droplets patter against his skin and he can feel the remnants of the day washing down the drain.

Is he ready for tomorrow? Yes, but at the same time, not at all. He feels like he needs to get everything off his chest before he steps out onto that stage tomorrow afternoon, or else nothing will work out in his favor. Should he? Rin squeezes his hands into tight fists, crescents forming on the flesh of his palms. 

Rin thinks about his brother, and Isagi, and debate, and what he’ll have for dinner tomorrow night, but he mostly thinks of Isagi. 

Isagi has been plaguing his mind and—

Rin has already admitted his feelings to himself. He squeezes his fists together tighter, until he’s sure he’s drawing blood. It hurts. But it doesn’t hurt as bad as not telling Isagi how he feels.  

Tell him, Rin’s mind echoes as he thinks back on his chat with Sae last night. Tell him. Rin splashes himself in the face with the ongoing stream of water cascading over his skin. It doesn’t help— nothing helps.

Rin has never been in love before. At least, not until Yoichi Isagi.

From the first day they met, Rin felt a sense of distaste toward him. Isagi is loud, and rude, and mean, in all of the ways he hated.

Sure, Rin was not the picture perfect guy, either, but Yoichi Isagi got on his last damn nerve.

Isagi is condescending. He doesn’t care about being conventional. He is charming, but he uses it as an advantage. Isagi doesn’t want to keep to himself, but at the same time, he doesn't want to stand out. —When Hiori told Rin that Isagi was bullied for being gay, he didn’t understand. Isagi was, by no means, a good person, but he wasn’t a bully, either. From what he heard, it seems like they were relentless with their insults and mockery— intentionally trying to hurt Isagi.

Rin didn’t get it. He told Isagi that he would feel the same way, no matter if he was gay or not, but at the time, he didn’t know that his feelings were turning into love at all. 

Isagi gets nervous before going up on stage, and Rin hates seeing him like that. Rin hates seeing Isagi get nervous, or angry, or cry. He hates seeing Isagi feel all of the things he shouldn’t have to. The only thing Rin wants Isagi to feel is contentness. With him. 

The more Rin falls in love with Isagi, the more he notices the small things about him.

Isagi is beautiful He’s plain looking to anyone else, but to Rin, his eyes are stars, beaming in the dark of night. His hair is a blue so dark that it’s almost black, and if anyone were to ask him his favorite color, he would say it’s that. When Isagi cries (which Rin does not like to see, but he is beautiful either way), his lips get puffy and his eyelashes clump together. It makes him look younger. It makes him have a sense of innocence, which he clearly is not. 

Isagi is everything Rin needs. And—-

He needs him now.

Rin turns off the water in the shower and dries himself off quickly, throwing on the first t-shirt and pair of pants that sit in the top of his suitcase. He rushes. And he knows he looks stupid right now, he just can’t bring himself to care. Rin doesn’t bother to fully dry his hair, and he can feel the damp strands clinging to the back of his neck and the sides of his face. It’s a feeling he hates, but he hates not telling Isagi how he feels even more, so he ignores it. He grabs his phone and stuffs it into his pocket before leaving the room. Rin walks down the hall until he finds himself in front of Isagi’s door.

He should go back. This is stupid. This isn’t right. This would fuck everything up. 

Raising his hand to the door, he knocks.

A few moments later, he’s face to face with Isagi, who looks equally as surprised as Rin at his sudden appearance.

“Rin, what are you doing… here?” Isagi mutters in confusion as Rin walks inside and shuts the door behind him, facing Isagi where he now stands against the closed door.

He hovers over him silently until Isagi is about to speak again, and Rin says, “Shut up. I’m sick of hearing your voice.”

Isagi’s brows furrow, seemingly offended, but he doesn’t say anything.

Rin takes a deep breath, starting, “I can’t think when you’re around anymore,” he admits, “it’s pissing me off.”

Okay. Not a great start, but he was trying.

Isagi looked uneasy as he said, “Rin, I know things are kind of weird between us right now. You don’t need to do… whatever this is, though. I’m sorry for everything.”

“What?” Rin bit out, “that’s not what this is.”

“Oh. Then, what is this?” he questions, voice quieter as he shifts his gaze to the ground, “If you wanted to hang out, you could’ve just asked.” he jokes.

“I—“ he hesitates. And, fuck— he needs to say it. He has to. If not now, then never.

Finally, Rin admits, with as much volume as he can muster, “I love you, Isagi.”

The word love feels like honey in his mouth— sticky, too sweet, heavy on his tongue. He’s never said that word to someone because he’s never been in love. Not until now. Not until Yoichi Isagi. Rin forces the word out even though it doesn’t sound, or feel right, because it’s Isagi— no, Yoichi— that he’s saying this to. Rin wants Yoichi to know how he feels.

He doesn't know if he’ll ever be able to admit that he loves Yoichi out loud again, so he says it a second time, “I love you, Yoichi.”

Yoichi looks astonished. He gawks at Rin like he’s a zoo animal, mouth agape. 

“You can’t…” he trails off, “where is this coming from? I thought—“

Rin cuts him off, “I didn’t want to tell you because I know you don’t want me the same way I want you. I’ve never loved anyone before, but I knew that if I didn’t say anything, my heart might actually explode. I was tired of bottling it up. So..”

“..here you are.” Isagi finishes for him. 

There’s silence. Silence has never been so uncomfortable.

Eventually, Rin says shyly, his voice low, “You don’t have to feel the same. You don’t even have to give me an answer,” he says, “I needed to get it off my conscience. I wouldn’t have been able to debate if I didn’t.”

Yoichi’s eyes gleam like he’s going to cry. Rin hates that look so, so much. 

“Rin…” Isagi trails off again, biting his lip anxiously. And he can’t even bring himself to look Rin in the eye.

“You don’t have to say anything. I’ll go now.”

Rin doesn’t let him respond before he nudges Isagi out of the way, opening the door and slipping out quietly. Yoichi can hear his footsteps retreating down the hallway as he heads back to his room.

Isagi walks over to his bed and lays down, staring up at the ceiling. 

Yoichi is confused. And ecstatic. And upset. And so fucking in love with Rin. He’s everything, all at once. 

And Yoichi does cry after Rin leaves, but only because he didn’t have the chance to tell him he loves him back.