Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

First officer's log, Star date 2651.3.
The Enterprise has experienced what one could refer to as a suspiciously run-of-the-mill couple of weeks. Despite our quest to explore the unknown, it has been... quiet. I expect that will change. We are approaching a sector at the edge of Federation space that has been left relatively uncharted. Our latest mission is to discover what happened to the Starship Hendrix. They have not been in contact with Starfleet for several days, and being so close to the edge, well… There is much to be concerned about. As we get closer, I suspect we will not find what we are hoping for... It is not the first time Enterprise has been assigned this kind of mission... but it doesn't make them any easier.

As the Enterprise exited warp, Captain Christopher Pike rose out of his seat, requesting the view of their surroundings to be on screen. He took a few steps forward, standing behind Lieutenant Jenna Mitchell and Lieutenant Erica Ortegas at their respective positions at the helm. Everyone glanced at the screen for a moment–long enough for their stomachs to plummet, but not so long as to distract from their usual routines, and began scanning the area for any information they could find.
The empty blackness of space was inhabited by a singular planet. No ship in sight.
The ominous planet was the various shades of gray, ranging from rain clouds to drawing charcoal. There were occasional red flashes of lightning in varying places, as if the entire planet was engulfed in some sort of thunderstorm. It looked foreboding, mysterious, and angry.

"No warp signatures nearby."
"No life signs have been detected on the surface of the planet."
"No ships within range, sir."

Chris took a moment to think as he acknowledged each statement. He sat back in his seat.

"So what happened to our missing starship?"

Chris and Commander Una Chin-Riley entered the Ready Room. Ensign Nyota Uhura, Lieutenant La'an Noonien-Singh, and Lieutenant Spock were already seated and waiting, Uhura glancing at her PADD for updates of their most recent scans. Dr. Joseph M'Benga entered shortly after. The chief of engineering, Pelia, was a few moments behind him–and was usually fashionably late.

Chris started the discussion. "We have an interesting situation upon us. We've got a missing starship, but no trace of it. There's a planet with no life signs, and we can't see into the surface. Correct so far?"

Spock began the discussion. "Correct. It would appear our sensors cannot penetrate the clouds for visual scans, but communications should be operational."

Uhura nodded. "Comms should work great, sir. It's just very thick cloud cover. Unfortunately, whoever goes down to the surface will be going there blindly."

"And how are transporters looking? Can we beam down? The cloud cover has me uneasy on the prospect of sending a shuttle," Pike said, turning to Pelia.

She shook her head. "If we want to keep our people in one piece, I would advise against it. If we can't see where to put them, there could be some... unfortunate results."

"Noted." Pike got out of his seat. "If worse comes to worst... Can we beam everyone back up?"

She shrugged. "The lightning concerns me. I wouldn't try it unless they were through the clouds. We don't want anyone turning into molecular soup." She waved a hand in the air as she spoke.

"So, shuttle it is. Is there anything else about this planet we need to know?" Pike asked Spock.

"To put it simply, Captain," Spock said, "based on our readings of the clouds, the planet is extremely dark. The landing party may have difficulty seeing anything which is not directly in front of them."

Pike nodded.

Spock continued, "Despite the interference, the scans have detected the traces of the same materials Enterprise is composed of scattered across the lower hemisphere of the planet. I would presume it is the remnants of a crash landing, but it is impossible to identify without looking at it on the surface."

"Okay. I'll put a landing party together and get things moving."

"Captain, I hate to disagree with you, but I think you should sit this one out," Una chimed in. "We are at the edge of Federation space. Despite a lack of reports regarding Klingons, I think it would be in our best interest to keep our Captain aboard if any happen to come knocking."

"I can't ask you to-"

"You aren't. I'm offering. I will take a landing party, and we will investigate the surface." Una looked at Pike as if the deal was done, and she was content. He thought for a moment.

"Alright. But, this situation is strange. Take a few extra security team members just to be safe." He tapped the table. "Anything else?"

Everyone at the table took a moment to think. Spock's PADD made a blip during the brief silence as if by kismet, and everyone turned to look at him as he raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"After broadening the sensor variables, it would appear there is some type of life form on the planet. Origin... undetermined." He looked up.

Chris turned and pointed a finger gun at Una. "Take the big guns, Number One."

Chapter Text

It was mostly smooth sailing in the shuttle down to the planet. Lightning seemed to move in fluid, repetitive currents that made maneuvering much simpler than the team anticipated. The scanners showed that the clouds, though thick, were simply clouds, and there were no hidden objects.

The landing party was a crew of ten; Una, Spock, La'an, and Sam Kirk, with six others being backup security personnel. Una and La'an were in control of navigation and weapons, respectively, guiding the shuttle to the surface… wherever that surface would be. The journey was not very long; they had only been descending for about twenty minutes when there was a beep from navigation sensors.

“We are approaching the surface,” Una reported. “Everyone get ready so we can make this a short trip.” There was a slight uneasiness in her voice–almost impossible to catch–that is, unless one knew her as well as La'an did. She glanced at Una for a moment. Una did not return a look, but could feel La'an's gaze lasting for just a moment longer than she would have liked.

“We are approximately seventy meters from our destination,” Spock said. “Given the current state of the planet and our plethora of unknown variables, I would recommend landing the shuttle as close as possible.”

The shuttle slowed down in preparation to land and narrowly passed over a large boulder which was only visible because of the shuttle's headlights. When they were clear, the ship came to a halt.“I think this will have to do. How close are we now?” Una asked.

“Approximately fourteen meters.”

Una nodded. “Close enough. Let's get going.” She and La'an rose from their seats. As they began getting ready, Una tapped her delta. “Number One to Enterprise. We have made it to the surface.”

“Acknowledged. Be careful out there,” Pike replied. His voice was full of static from interference, but the warmth in his voice was ever-present.

“Everything okay, chief?” La'an asked Una quietly. “You seem a bit on edge.”

Una replied quietly in return, “I just get a strange feeling about this place… a bad feeling about what we may find here…” She shrugged. “But,” she said, giving La'an a pat on the back. “the sooner we get out there, the sooner we can get back to the ship.” After all, she was nothing if not a workaholic. La'an nodded in agreement, gathering her supplies.

Una addressed the landing party before they departed. “Here's the situation. It's dark out there. We don't know what might be waiting on the surface. We will move in a sweeping formation, spread a few feet apart. I don't want to be taking any chances. If you see something, if you hear something, say something. There is a starship missing. With how things look, we have to remain hopeful, but we cannot forget caution. We are not adding more casualties. Any questions?”

There was a moment of silence in response.

“Alright. Let's move.”

Chris sat in his chair, feeling uneasy. The image of the planet was still on screen, and was making him nervous. Such a morbid looking planet didn’t leave anything pleasant to the imagination. The bridge crew seemed almost as fidgety as the Captain himself.

“They’ve been on the surface for about fifteen minutes, sir,” Uhura replied, trying to comfort Chris after seeing him readjusting in his chair every few minutes.. She continued, “We can keep a good eye on them up here. They appear on our scanners as life signs, but seem to flicker.”

“Flicker?” Chris turned to look at her, confusion and concern written across his face. Suddenly, she wasn’t helping anymore. Time to fix that.

“Yes, sir. Technical term.” She gave an awkward half-smile. “It's probably just the interference. I'm sure they're fine, sir.”

Chris nodded. “Let me know if anything changes. For now, I'll be in my quarters.” He rose from his chair, almost making it to the turbolift before there were various beeps across the bridge. He spun around, making it back to his chair so quickly it was as if he never stepped away.

“I'm not reading any life signs…” Uhura started, turning to face the Captain. She sensed the panic in Chris' eyes, so she tried comforting the situation. “It could just be interference,” she said with a shrug.

“La'an to Enterprise,” came through the coms. “We are requesting to be beamed up the moment we are out of the clouds.” Her voice came through loud and clear, but sounded more urgent than usual.

“Copy that, but as of right now there is no way to lock on to you. The second we can, we will.”

“The sooner the better, Chris. Our shuttle is about to be compromised,” Una said, inserting herself into the conversation. Her voice had the same urgent, yet pained tone La’an’s did.

Chris thought for a moment. “Pelia, is there anything we can do to make this happen faster?”

“I am the chief of engineering, not a wizard. I am full of science and tricks, but no magic. Unless they're away from interference, there is nothing we can do.” Pike knew that wherever she was, she was saying it with a sway of her hand, a head tipping to one side. She always had a whimsy about her–probably from living so many more lives than humans do.

“I can read six life signs, Captain!” Uhura exclaimed. “They are clear of interference!”

“Captain, we need to be beamed back now!” La'an yelled over coms.

Chris shook his head in confusion. “We are only reading si-”

“NOW!!”

“Beam them to Sick Bay,” Pike ordered. “Coming back this quickly… I don’t want to take any chances.”

A quiet moment passed. Chris didn't even wait for confirmation that the landing party was back on board–he was already on his way to Sick Bay.

The bridge crew, left to their own devices, watched the shuttle fall back into the planet. The heat as it passed through each layer of atmosphere cast a mysterious glow into the entire room… And, shortly after, the dreadful planet seemed to swallow the shuttle back into its morbid, cloudy haze.

Chapter Text

Walking into the Sick Bay was like walking into a nightmare. The first thing Chris noticed was blood. It was everywhere.

There were bloody footprints from the transporters to the beds. As he walked closer, he saw blood smeared all around the floor. M'Benga was trying to patch people up while Chapel scanned everyone for injuries, but quickly, M'Benga asked for her help. She continued to hop around, scanning and assisting. Chris approached slowly, quietly, so he wouldn't get in the way, and so he wouldn’t startle anyone. Spock and Sam Kirk each were laying on their own respective beds, and La'an was half sitting up on hers, but Chapel kept trying to make her lay down. Una was seated on a bed a couple of feet away from the chaos. Chris thought he would check in with her first, to see if he could find out what happened. Una was looking down at her hands. They were covered with blood. As he looked at her, he realized half of her face was covered with blood, too.

“Four more crew members. Chris,” she said, her voice weighted with sorrow.

“It wasn't your fault, Number One.” He wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, to comfort her, but he didn’t want to startle her. Instead, he found a towel nearby and handed it to her. She began to wipe some of the blood off her hands and face.

Chapel came over with a medical tricorder and started scanning. Una waved the wand away.

“They need you more than I do,” she said quietly. “Their injuries are more severe.”

Chapel eyed the Captain to convey her disagreement, but said nothing. Chris opened his mouth to say something, but M’Benga called Chapel over once again, so he changed his mind.

Spock had giant lacerations across his arm and shoulder, Sam Kirk had two gashes cut almost all the way down his leg, and La'an had smaller but deep cuts all over her back and her right arm. The two remaining security officers had similar injuries, as well.

Una winced slightly and put a hand to her side, but tried to hide it from Chris. She exhaled jaggedly, quietly.

“You okay?” Chris asked. His eyes were wide, peering once again at the blood on the floor several feet ahead. She let a small cough out, into her hand. She didn't let Chris see that what she had coughed up was blood. “Una, I think you should let them take a look at you,” he said. But, it was apparent that Una wasn’t listening.

“Four more crew members…” She trailed off, shaking her head side to side.

“Una.” Chris spoke more firmly to try getting her attention. He turned to look at her. “Hey.” She looked up at him. Her eyes were sad in ways he had felt before, but wouldn’t wish on anyone–especially not his first officer. “This isn’t on you. This isn’t your fault.”

They held each other's gaze for a moment. Her eyes were glassy, glazed over slightly. She looked back down. “It sure feels that way…” She coughed again.

“Can you... tell me what happened?” Chris asked, treading carefully.

Una shook her head wearily. “In all my years… I've never seen… I’ve never…” She trailed off. Chris noticed her gaze was distant and that she began to sway back and forth slightly.

“Una?” He moved and crouched in front of her and saw her side, which was bleeding steadily despite her hand covering it. She fell forward onto his shoulder, and the last thing she heard was Chris calling for M’Benga.

Chapter Text

It had been a quiet, somber two days since the landing party’s return. While the landing party recuperated, Enterprise was on a return mission to Earth for some much needed shore leave. In the meantime, Chris intended to make everyone feel a little bit better, and he started a plan: dinner.

The landing party was pretty banged up, he thought to himself, so dinner would be a welcome distraction. Spock was wearing a sling, as did La'an. Kirk was using a cane. Una had a slight limp and was wincing each time she moved her side. It concerned Chris to see his crew in such shape…

“There is only so much a dermal regenerator can do,” M'Benga had said. “The damage was severe, but not irreversible. I would be more concerned with what is going on in their minds.” He rested a hand on Chris’s shoulder as he spoke. “If their mind heals, the rest will follow more quickly. But, I am certain you know that already.”

And with that sentiment, Chris had agreed one hundred percent. And so finalized his plan: breakfast for dinner has got to be the ultimate comfort food. Waffles and eggs, it would be.

Una sat in her quarters, waiting for dinner. Truthfully, she was all ready to go, but was still seeking that final ounce of courage it took to get up and go. Accustomed to always being early, she decided that this was one instance she could simply arrive on time.

As she waited, she started into the space in front of her, and all she could think about was the planet…

The crew exited the shuttle slowly. Una quickly realized the ground was wet, but it wasn’t raining. She glanced down, her flashlight illuminating the puddle she found herself standing in… It was dark, it was red–it was blood.
She looked up and realized that scattered about were mangled, bloody faces of the Starfleet officers they came to rescue… She opened her mouth to speak–but not before she suddenly felt hands pushing her to her left, almost to the ground. Blood sprayed across her face as she turned to look at what happened… She blinked quickly, in disbelief. Looking around with her flashlight, there was nothing nearby but the crumpled body of one of the security officers. There was so much blood it was hard to tell where the fatal blow struck. Then, blades punctured her side in multiple places like a hot knife through butter–even through her armored suit. It took her breath away. She started to shoot in whatever direction the attack seemed to come from, but nothing hit. What was attacking, and where the hell did it go?

A scream rang out that sent chills deep into her bones. She heard the thud of someone else hitting the ground.

“BACK TO THE SHUTTLE!” La’an had called out. Una was shooting blindly at the darkness. Still, it was like there was nothing there…

As they retreated to the shuttle, all Una could hear was her heart pounding in her ears and the sound of blades ripping through each member of the landing party…

Her breaths became faster and deeper, her heart rate was increasing…

…And a blip from her communicator pulled her out of it.

“Pike to Number One,” she heard.

She took a cleansing breath and tried to sound like everything was fine. “Number One here.”

“I could use some help prepping… I may have overestimated myself. How do you feel about whisking?”

She felt a weak smile break the cold expression she had been wearing. “I'll be right over.”

La’an paced around her quarters. She felt… fine. As fine as one could be. However, she, too, kept thinking about the mission. There had to have been another way, another outcome. It seemed so surreal to have been on the planet’s surface for such a short time and to lose four crew members. She stopped in her steps, her mind transporting her back to the shuttle.

“BACK TO THE SHUTTLE!” She remembered yelling. “GET BACK!”

Everyone was shooting blindly at the darkness, the phaser beam reflecting on sharp metallic edges that were waving about maliciously, but lending no help in seeing whatever was attacking them.

The door of the shuttle closed, but whatever lived in the darkness was banging on the outside. Metallic echoes percussed while La’an and Una scrambled to get the shuttle back into flight. And, as quickly as they could, they were go for liftoff.

The shuttle was silent. No one said anything for the first few moments of takeoff. La’an could feel her hands–no, everything–shaking. She used her peripheral vision to see if perhaps Una was also as shaken up, but couldn’t come to a conclusion. Then, La’an snapped back into her security chief persona.

“Sound off–and state your injuries,” she requested.

“Lieutenant Spock,” Spock started. His voice was gravelly, trying to keep composure, but it was clear he was in an immense amount of pain. “I have been stabbed by some sort of sharp weapon on my shoulder and throughout my arm. They appear quite deep.”

“Lieutenant Kirk. I got it pretty good in the leg.” He winced between sentences.

The two security officers stated their names and conditions as ordered.

La’an waited for Una to speak. “Una?” She asked, her voice coming out smaller than she had hoped. Una must have been focused, because she seemed startled when she was addressed.

“I will be fine.” Her voice was breathy, but La’an wasn’t sure what to make of it. Una never looked away from navigation. La’an knew she was putting on a strong front, but also knew she wouldn’t give anything away until they got back safely onto Enterprise.

“What about you? Are you injured?” Una asked La’an, breaking her navigation focus for a moment.

“Um, yeah, I guess so.” She looked at herself. “Not as bad as the others, I think.” Una nodded in response, and La’an decided to try asking again, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I–”

A loud BANG hit the top the ship. Everyone’s eyes grew wide, scared, looking all over the ceiling. Another bang struck, then another. The sound moved from the front towards the back, as if it was searching for the door. Another bang sounded off, but this time, a large blade stabbed through the side of the shuttle. Something from the surface must have grabbed onto the shuttle and held on this entire time.

“We need to get back to Enterprise,” Una said firmly.

“They will not be able to beam us up until we have passed through the cloud interference,” Spock reminded them. Everyone was shifting to get away from the blade that was sticking through the wall.

“The least we can do is ask,” La’an said and tapped her communicator. “La'an to Enterprise, we are requesting to be beamed up the moment we are out of the clouds.”

A knock on her door startled her back into reality.

“La’an, are you in there?” It was Sam Kirk.

She opened the door and greeted him. “Hi, sorry, I was distracted and tidying up a bit.”

Sam chuckled. “Sure. Look, I know what happened has been bothering all of us. You don’t have to lie about it. But anyways, that’s not what I’m here for… I was just wondering if you were going to the Captain’s dinner, uh… thing. I haven’t decided if I am feeling up to it. Seeing a bunch of people again… Just feels like it might be too soon.”

La’an felt her eyes grow wide. “You have to. The waffles alone make it worth it.”

“Okey-doke. I do like waffles… See you there, then,” he said awkwardly, nodded his head, and limped away.

La’an chuckled to herself, thinking about how different Sam and James Kirk are. She looked at the time, and decided to head to the Captain’s dinner, too.

Spock sat in his quarters, playing his Vulcan lute. The act of playing and the sound that came out as a result comforted him. Soothed, even. Yet, he still could not fully get the image out of his mind of his fellow crew members being attacked.

Logic told him that it was unavoidable, that it would have happened if someone else had gone down with them. It also told him that no one was at fault, and that they made the best call they could have.

His emotions seemed to dwell on the faces that were left behind. He felt anger at the sight of his fellow crew members’ blood. It was blood that his emotions felt should not have been shed. He felt guilt, too. Guilt that he did not do enough to save the others. With his own injuries, it was difficult to simply keep conscious. Logic told him he could not have done more without losing his own life.

His flashlight caught a glimpse of a face in the distance. He noticed that Una, on the other side of their line of people, was looking at a puddle on the ground–a puddle of blood.

“It would appear the crew of the Hendrix have been–” Spock started, but was cut off by something sharp stabbing deep into his shoulder. It was unexpected and knocked him off his balance. As it exited, he felt himself groan in pain. Raising his light and phaser, he realized whatever was there was gone. He started shooting at the darkness when the security officer next to him let out a horrific scream, and he heard the sound of blades cutting, cutting, and cutting.

Then, he heard La'an call out for everyone to get back to the shuttle.

Spock realized he hadn’t been playing for a few moments now, as his mind had gone over what happened for the umpteenth time. He put his instrument away, noting that if he wanted to be of assistance in preparing dinner, he better be on his way.

Una entered Chris’ cabin, noting an abundance of dirty dishes on the counter. She raised an eyebrow, watching him move back and forth, working on a couple of tasks at once.

“Look at you, buzzing around like you're working in a diner.” She smirked; she wanted to chuckle, but couldn't quite find it within herself to do so.

“With the way our crew eats, some dinners sure feel that way,” Chris joked back. As he spoke, he had that crooked, boyish smile that Una knew so well.

“Where would I be of most help?” As she approached the counter, she waved her hand in an oblong circle to mirror the shape of the countertop and its mess.

Chris’ expression became sheepish. “The… eggs.” His voice upturned at the end, almost in query, but it was just because he knew how much Una disliked cracking eggs. If she didn’t crush them so often, it wouldn’t be so bad. She always joked that everyone should ‘just become accustomed to chewing eggshells.’

“You said they needed whisking, Chris” Una sneered playfully. “Cracking, well… I’m afraid you're asking too much.” She gave him a pat on the shoulder as she walked past him, over to the eggs.

“Well, then… I guess I’ll just have to cook all by my lonesome,” he said sarcastically.

“You know I’d never leave you sitting in the trenches.” Her words came out more seriously than she meant for them to, but at least the sentiment was there.

“You know, speaking of trenches,” Chris began. He started waving his knife between chops as he spoke. Strawberries. Her favorite. The knife was turning red with juice and seeds… “Do you remember… back… on…” It wasn’t that his words were trailing off. Una found herself transfixed, watching bloody blades glide through the air… And suddenly she was back under the cover of darkness, red lightning flashing… Her heart was pounding, and the egg she had held in her hand burst like a water balloon.
“Una.”

She was back in Chris’ cabin, hand wet with egg remnants, Chris staring at her with a look on his face she hadn’t seen in quite some time. She blinked hard a few times and snapped back into action, cleaning the broken egg bits from her hand and the countertop below. For once, in the mixing bowl, no shells. At least there’s that, she thought.

“Are you okay?” Chris’ face was washed over with concern, the knife firmly on the cutting board.

“Of course,” She replied, trying to sound chipper, but it came across like she was trying too hard. She mellowed her voice. “I was just… distracted.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Look, Una, I know that what happened down there had to have been… pretty bad.” He took a step closer, taking one of her hands. “We all see things. But you don’t have to keep it in your head.” The space between them felt charged, and there was a glimmer to Chris’ eyes. He pulled her in for a hug. As he withdrew, his hands lingered on her upper arms for a moment. “You don’t have to carry any of this on your own.”

Una’s eyes sparkled at the closeness they were sharing. She felt a small smile forming. “I know. Maybe we–”

Chris’ cabin door chimed and broke the static between them. Chris figured it would be Spock. He mouthed ‘after dinner’ to her, and called, “Enter,” towards the door. The smile left Una’s face and they both fell back to work on their respective tasks, pretending the intimate moment they just shared never happened.

Chapter Text

Dinner went by quickly, quicker than most of the crew would have liked. It was the first time since that dreadful mission that some of them had smiled or laughed. It was a much needed break for their minds after what they all had seen. Chris, naturally, had to make one of his famous speeches.

“I know you all are expecting me to say something,” he began, wearing his boyish smirk, rising out of his seat. There were laughs and chuckles scattered around the table as he started. He held up his glass as he spoke. “I wanted to first start by saying that I am grateful for all of you sitting at this table.” Everyone grew quiet. “Losing crew members… It's never easy. An old Earth saying goes, ‘Grief is the price we pay for love,’ and it’s a heavy burden to carry inside of you. Losing someone on this ship is losing a member of the family. It isn’t something you should carry on your own.” He shifted his weight. “Today, and every day, we will continue to honor the lives lost from our ship, and the crew of the Hendrix, and remember that they gave the ultimate sacrifice.” He raised his glass. “To the Hendrix.” He gestured with his glass in an oblong circle. “And to you.”
Everyone sat quietly, and for a split second it was as if they were unsure what to do. Someone cleared their throat and they all started clinking glasses together, giving shallow smiles. There was a sad glow to their eyes yet, even if they tried to hide it. Chris could see it, and he was sure everyone else saw it in each other.
“On another note, for you all to return to active duty, you need to be cleared by the ship counselor.” Chris heard a groan, but he couldn't tell who. “What you saw–or even what you didn't see… I just need to make sure everyone is OK.”

La'an broke the silence. “Thank you, sir.” She rose from her seat. “I also want to thank you all for… well, everything. I know I don’t say it often. I’m glad we are alive. And, well… I don’t often make speeches. So, uh, that's all.” She rose her glass and sat back down quickly. There was a light chuckle in the air.

“Thank you, La'an. Well, everybody, if no one else has anything to add, feel free to mingle for a while.” Chris got up and gestured for everyone to start moving around beyond the table.

Una started collecting some of the plates. She carried a stack in one hand, her drink in the other, and placed them by the sink. Chris grabbed the remaining ones, along with silverware, and joined her there. One by one, the rest of the crew began finding their way out. Before too long, it was just Chris and Una left in his cabin, doing the dishes.

“How is my favorite first officer?” He asked. Una chuckled.

“You know, I never missed doing dishes once when we first went off-world. Yet, I find myself almost looking forward to it now.” She was waiting for the sink to fill with water again and took a sip from her drink. “How is my favorite Captain?” Una asked as she turned around to face Chris. She had a weariness, yet a lightness to her voice–she was definitely inebriated.

“Your favorite Captain is wondering if his first officer has had too much to drink,” Chris joked. Una set her drink down and gave him a look. It was the classic Una look. He could almost hear the motherly scold that usually accompanied it. “Hey, don't give me that look,” he said while chuckling. “The last time I saw you have too many drinks was-”

“That mission on Abydos V,” Una recalled. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “You know, it is extremely difficult for an Illyrian to get drunk.” She held her glass out to him before taking another sip. “Luckily, I'm far from that.”

“It's just nice to see you letting your guard down for once,” Chris said. “You don't really do ‘downtime.’” He made air quotes with his fingers. “I hope you take some time on this shore leave. ”

Una shrugged. “I worked to be the best, I didn't want anyone asking questions.”

There was an awkward silence after that.

“Speaking of questions…” Chris began. “You didn't answer mine. But maybe it should wait till you're–”

“We can talk now. It is called liquid courage, after all, is it not?”

They sat across from each other, separated by a coffee table with a decanter half full. Chris leaned forward and refilled his glass. He peered an inquisitive, yet concerned look across to Una. “Tell me what happened.”

“You know, Chris…” Her voice was now completely sober. She stared into the air in front of her, her gaze dropping slightly. “I think we were doomed from the start.”

She told him of the puddles of blood, and the bodies, and the slicing and the screaming. She told him that she froze, how quickly it happened, how she didn't have time to say a word, how she didn't even have time to yell because everything was a blur. She flew the shuttle back up with stab wounds and a punctured lung and was too upset with herself to tell anyone she was hurt.

But there were a few things she didn't tell him. She didn’t tell Chris that she felt a crushing, unrelenting guilt that she was alive, that she could hardly sleep at night because she saw that face every time she closed her eyes… the one who pushed her out of the way, laying in a pool of blood… She didn’t tell him that she couldn't smile and mean it, or how every time she was alone, she would cry for the lives lost, for the things that she had seen. She didn't want him to know it bothered her so deeply, she feared that she would seem weaker in his eyes.

Chris took a moment to process everything he just heard.

“Una, I–”

“You have nothing to apologize for. It was my fault, really.”

Chris shook his head in confusion. “What? Una. It wasn't your fault.” He noticed her gaze, which never looked up the entire time she spoke to him. “Una, look at me.” He leaned forward and they met each other's eyes. “It wasn't your fault.”

Her eyes, dark and full of sadness, looked into his for a moment. “That's not really true and I think we both know that. It's alright.” Once she blinked, it was like she changed personalities. Chris could see it in her eyes. Una rose and walked towards the sink, beginning to wash out her glass. “That way, you won't have to do this later,” she said over running water, showing Chris her glass as she spoke. “I’m sure you don’t need another mess to clean up.” He followed, turning off the faucet, and looked at her intensely.

“Why do you think that what happened was your fault?” He was standing closely, watching her eyes as she took a moment to respond. There was so much happening behind those eyes… and yet, it seemed like his words weren't making a connection in her mind.

She broke eye contact. “You know, I've never been to a beach. I mean, on a shore leave. I usually just watch the ship. Maybe that would be nice. What do you think?” She set the glass on the counter.

“I think you didn’t answer my question.” Chris took her hand and led her back to the couch. They sat next to each other this time. He didn’t let go of her hand, and spoke softly. “What is going on in that head of yours?” Her gaze had fallen, so he moved slightly closer to her line of sight.. “We have responsibilities, but that doesn't mean everything that happens on every mission is our fault. You know that most of all, you remind me of that constantly.”

She looked down and stood quietly, thinking. She moved her gaze away. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I just… You… I… just don’t want to talk about this right now.” She took her hand back, got up, and headed towards the door slowly. Before she left, she turned her head back and said quietly, “But, Chris… Thank you all the same.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

La'an, now back in her cabin, took a look at her schedule for the next day. She already had an appointment with the counselor. She sighed. Two birds, one stone, as the saying goes, she thought. She changed into her pajamas and sat on her bed, thinking for a moment about what to do with the rest of her evening. She wasn't tired yet, but she didn't feel quite awake enough to get things done.

“Computer, begin security officer's personal log.” She paused, trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say.
“I just had dinner with the landing party from our… latest mission. It was a welcome distraction, which I'm sure is exactly what the Captain thought it would be.
I won't be allowed on active duty until I see the ship counselor. I already have an appointment, anyway. Honestly, I keep looking back at everything in my head and… I keep thinking that there had to have been something I could have done.”
“Seeing the counselor… Actually, it really helps. I'm glad Una made me do it. I don't think I'd ever admit that. Can't tell her a head shrinker is working. She would say she told me so and pass some strawberries. I hope this mission won't change things between us. I don’t blame her for what happened, I hope she doesn’t think I do. I only find blame in myself.”
Her eyes grew weary, and she was feeling much more ready to sleep.
“I guess tomorrow will bring new light.” She tilted her head. “That sounds… hopeful. Perhaps that's something to keep in mind. End personal log.”
She let herself fall back into the mattress and drifted off almost instantly.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Una lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. Truth be told, the alcohol did help her sleep better, but her dreams were still vivid and graphic, waking her up several times. She sighed. Getting out of bed felt like a chore. So many things to do, reports to complete, stations to check–oh, that’s right; there wasn’t anything to do. No active duty until cleared by the counselor. That was Chris’ order, she remembered. She rolled her eyes. “I’d rather just go back to work,” She muttered, getting up. Perhaps there’s an opening today I can take, get back to work sooner.., she thought. Only one way to find out. She washed up, got dressed, and started walking.

The counselor’s office was decorated very neatly, in calming hues of beige and blue–a color palette reminiscent of a beach. There was a very light, soothing, instrumental tune in the background, so quiet it was barely audible. The air had a light fragrance. The counselor herself was a very quiet person. She had long, light pink curls, and big dark eyes. She was much older than she appeared, and had the wisdom to prove it. Her voice was smooth and soothing, as if she could put you to sleep easily. She had a look that combined space traveler and 21st-century bohemian: unique, but somehow, it worked for her.

“Why hello, commander, to what do I owe the pleasure?” She asked, rising from the chair behind her desk. “It isn’t often you visit.” She set her PADD down.

“I’m sure Captain Pike spoke with you,” Una started, “and I’d like to get back to work. Do you have any open slots today?”

The counselor nodded and grabbed her PADD, tapping and scrolling for a moment. “He did speak with me. I have an opening now, if you’d like.” She held her hand in the air, gesturing for Una to walk with her. Una nodded. The room was long and had a screen to divide it. It was secluded, warm, and intimate. The perfect kind of space for people to feel comfortable in. “Pick a seat.”

The air was filled in awkward silence. Una sat rigidly, nervous, and hoping it wouldn't take long.

“What would you like to talk about?” The counselor asked. She smiled at Una.

Una sighed. “What would you like me to say?”

“That's entirely up to you.”

More silence.

The counselor inhaled and crinkled her face in thought. “Well, Captain Pike was concerned about you and your crew from a recent mission. Why don't we start there?”

This is going to take a while, Una thought. And so, she started from the very beginning.

La’an spent her morning at the gym with punching bags. As she hit harder and harder, she could see blades swinging through the air, dark clouds looming overhead. She let her anger out with each punch she threw. Her mind had a pattern: a mental image of the planet; a punch. Planet, punch, planet punch. After a while, she got so worked up that one of her punches knocked the punching bag to the floor. She panted, feeling overexerted, and stared for a moment at the punching bag, mostly in disbelief. Then, she looked around to see if anyone saw what happened...
She exhaled in relief: no one in sight. She checked the time. Her afternoon appointment was inching closer, so it was time to get ready. She leaned the punching back against the wall before heading back to her quarters for a shower.

La'an entered the counselor’s office. She still couldn't admit to anyone that she enjoyed the routine of going to see her, or that it seemed to help. But, in truth, it made her feel… almost normal. All La'an truly wanted was to know what it felt like to just be normal.

“For afternoon, La'an,” the counselor said warmly. “Shall we?”

They sat across from each other.

“Is there anywhere that you'd like to start?” The counselor asked.

La'an nodded. “There is.”

Spock began his day with his usual routine when he received time off: breakfast, gym, shower, lunch, and practicing his instrument. Today, he had to see the counselor, and thought that before dinner would be an excellent time, as it fit perfectly into his evening of… Well, nothing yet. He left it open in case Chapel was available, or if someone wanted to meet for drinks. Today, however, he was grateful it was open so he could have some time to himself.

It was not Spock’s first time in the counselor’s office. Each time he visited, he admired the tidiness of her office, and found comfort in the organized layout. He felt calmed by the lack of clutter, and the smell in the air reminded him of growing up on Vulcan in the spring, before it got too hot.

“Nice to see you, Spock. Shall we?” The counselor asked him, leading the way.

“I believe Captain Pike has informed you of our latest mission. I shall begin there.”

Sam Kirk awoke at his usual time. His body felt heavy as it lay in bed, sheets strewn about carelessly. He sat up and looked at his leg. Maybe it’ll leave a cool scar, he thought, letting out a slight chuckle.
He felt that, in the grand scheme of things, he was doing well enough. He was able to acknowledge that there was nothing the team could have done to prevent what happened. Going in blindly has its risks–and they all signed on for that. He knew that everyone tried their best to keep each other alive. The lives that were lost were ones he thought of often throughout the day, but he didn’t see their faces when he tried to sleep. He didn’t hear the screams, he didn’t see the clouds and the blood. He simply felt like he was in mourning for those who didn’t come home.
What he was more curious about, however, is the creatures that lived on the surface… No one had gotten a good look. No one, that is, except for him. The creatures had many long, spindly arms, scaly skin. They moved silently like shadows, and attacked like ancient Earth martial arts masters. They were easily seven feet tall, looming over each crew member on the surface. Their features showed they had to be carnivorous; they bore large, sharp teeth, and their eyes were fairly close together. They were truly a sight from nightmares, something Kirk hoped he would never have to see again, except on his own terms. He was hoping to get back to work as soon as possible to begin researching if these creatures existed anywhere else.
He got up to begin his day, remembering he had to go see the counselor. He decided to wait until later in the day–he was much more of a night owl than an early riser. Plus, the counselor was definitely going to have her hands full with the rest of the landing party also needing clearance to return to work.
Once the evening came around, he headed on over, confident that he would be back to work soon.

Chapter Text

It was apparent to the counselor that each person was in a very different place in how they were processing the loss of crew members and the frightfulness of the mission. She was preparing a report for Captain Pike regarding who would be ready to come back to work, and who needed more time. She began to rotate through her notes from Una’s and La’an’s sessions first.

“What happened down there was frightening,” she started. She folded her hands together and put them in her lap. “But I suspect that isn't what you keep thinking about. It isn't what keeps you up at night. Try telling me, in one sentence, what bothered you most about that day.”

Una didn't hesitate. “It should have been me.”

La'an inhaled sharply. “I should have been able to stop it.”

The counselor did not react. She simply asked, “Why?”

Una hesitated. “Because someone pushed me out of the way.

“They felt your life was worth saving.”

“It wasn’t their choice to make.” Una was shaking her head side to side ever so slightly.

La'an exhaled as sharply as she inhaled. “I am the chief of security. I'm supposed to keep people safe. How can I protect people from something we can't even see?”

“Perhaps think of it from a different perspective. You managed to get yourself and five others off the planet's surface… You can grieve the lives that were lost and also acknowledge that you saved lives, too. Sometimes, we can do everything right and bad things still happen.”

La'an nodded, holding back tears. “I suppose that's true.” She leaned back into her chair a little further, letting a couple of tears fall while she moved her gaze to the ceiling. “I suppose that is true.”

Una shook her head. “Sure, five of us came back. But, it wasn’t right. I should have gotten us back to the ship sooner. I froze. I shouldn’t have.”

The counselor nodded slowly. “Sometimes, when our life is in great danger, we are in fight or flight. Sometimes, we have to process what is happening. All the work and preparation can’t prepare you for how you’re going to feel at that moment.”

“I know, I know. I tell Chris that all the time…” Una waved her hand in the air.

“Are you sure that is what bothers you? That you froze?” The counselor asked. She could feel that Una was holding something back.

Una sighed. “I have done a lot in my career with Starfleet. Those officers… they hardly got started. I shouldn’t be here because one of them pushed me out of the way. I don’t feel… worthy of that. Why should that decision have fallen to them? It should have been on me.”

There was a moment of silence.

“And, nevertheless, here you are. Many people are grateful you are here, and if you weren’t… Well, I can think of many people who would feel terribly lost without you.”

Una nodded. “Chris would be upset if he had to find another first officer.”

The counselor smiled. “Yes, he would. But, I think he would be more upset to lose one of his closest friends.”

The counselor felt La’an was processing everything better after their session, and decided to clear her for duty. After all, La’an was already going to be coming back for more sessions, anyway. They would continue to work on processing it, and the counselor didn’t feel concerned that she would be unable to do her usual duties. Una, however, would be a different story. The counselor did not clear her for duty. She was still stuck in a pattern of guilt, showing little value for her own life… She would often be preoccupied, and the counselor would have to try to get her attention back. No, there were still several things the counselor wanted to work on before clearing Una for duty, and she would have to remain benched for a little while longer.

The counselor began looking at her notes for Spock and Sam.

“How are you feeling right now?”

Spock sat in his seat and put his arms on the arm rests. “My human side is… Feeling something I do not know how to describe. It is curious. It is stronger than sadness. It also has anger. I have not felt this way in quite some time.”

“I feel… okay, I think. In the grand scheme of things.” Sam shrugged. “How okay can you be after seeing four crew members get slaughtered?” He gave a fake chuckle. “Sad. Restless. It's complicated. It’s just… so much more than that.”

“Sadness and grief can take many forms,” the counselor replied. “It feels different for everyone.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Logic dictates that nothing could be done to prevent our mission from failing. However, I cannot help but feel that in some way, I neglected to carry out my duties. Logic disproves that, and I must consider it an unnecessary feeling. A very human feeling.”

“Sometimes, bad things just happen. Your crew did their best.”

Spock thought for a moment. “Indeed.”

“Is there some reason you hesitated to agree?” The counselor asked.

“I have mulled over the mission several times. I have come to the conclusion that logically, we did our best. It is simply that some of the other members of the landing party do not believe this mission was their best work. It is with their ‘lack of faith’, as humans say, that I find my disagreement.”

The counselor smiled. “A fair assessment, Mr. Spock.”

Sam sat forward. “We lost some good crew members. The creatures down there… They were terrifying. Never seen anything like them. No one else saw them, either.”

“But you did?”

Sam nodded. “I've just never seen anything like it. I can't stop thinking about them. I just… want to know what they are. But they… looked so awful. I don’t have nightmares about the lives that were lost. I don’t dream about blood, I don’t dream about death. I dream about those creatures’ faces… That's what I see when I close my eyes at night.”

“You want to solve the mystery of whatever these creatures are?”

“You bet I do.” Sam looked energized. “If I can learn more about them, maybe we can figure out why they’re so violent. Why they… killed so many people.” He looked down. “Those officers… they were good people.” He shook his head. “But, we went down to that planet knowing the risks. I wish we all came back… But we couldn’t see anything approaching. We had our defenses up, and we were still attacked. We were lucky that six of us survived.”

“You were very lucky, indeed.”

The counselor felt Sam and Spock were also ready to go back to work. She told Sam to come back and see her from time to time, because although he was doing okay, she knew he was going to take a deep dive into research. He had to come up for air sometime, and she wanted to make sure he would remain level headed.

Una got notified on her PADD that the counselor’s report was ready. She knew what it would say… But she hesitated. She didn’t want to be right.
After a moment that felt much more like an eternity, she opened it.
Further discussion required.
Just as she feared.

“Bridge to Number One,” Uhura’s voice blipped over coms. It always sounded so friendly, so pleasant.

“This is Number One,” Una replied.

“The Captain has requested your presence at his cabin.”

“He couldn’t tell me that himself?” Una asked.

“He’s… busy at the moment,” Uhura said cautiously, as if she was hiding something.

Una didn’t feel like interrogating, so she relented, sighing and tossing her PADD on her bed. Was it possible Chris already knew the results? There was only one way to find out.

“I’ll head over in a moment. Thank you.”