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The ceiling. The boxes and bottles of prescribed medications on the bedside table. The clicking sound from the clock. Mizi's lids were getting tired without any pills tonight, for the first time in a week. Or a month. Or months. She couldn't remember.
In fact, she hadn't taken any other medications other than sleeping pills every night. Not that it mattered. The doctors aren't always correct. Sua made her feel good enough, just like those prescriptions did, save for the struggle of swallowing a bunch of pills down her throat.
Her current state wasn't supporting her point much, however. Sprawled on her messy bed, hair oily and body sticky, starved and sleep-deprived, all shown through her face. She couldn't remember when was the last time she ate a proper meal. Was it that barbecue she had with Sua just down the street? When was that? A week ago?
Oh, yeah. That was the last time she saw Sua. Her lover, angel, universe, the beacon that prevented her from falling into complete madness. She had left her for more than a week or so now. No messages. No calls. Not even a post on any of her socials. Perhaps that could explain why she was the way that she was currently.
Her phone buzzed next to her. The instant she saw the sender's ID, she ignored the tiredness and reluctance in her body, reading the message through the practically glowing screen amongst the darkness of her room. Sua. My dearest.
“Come upstairs. On the rooftops. I'm here.”
A sinking feeling in her stomach. A beam on her face. A flood of thoughts of possibilities came running across her mind. Is she finally explaining why she left me hanging like this? Is she going to surprise me with something? Does she have a gift for me? Will she finally hug me? Is she breaking up with me? Was I too much last time? Have I been too much for her—
Her chest felt like it was caving in on itself. Despite that, she laughed it off. Sua was finally coming back, how could she assume bad things about her perfect, beautiful Sua?
Next thing she knew, she was already running up the moldy, gloomy stairs, only seeing and reaching towards the dim light coming through the cracks of the door to the rooftops. Sua loved this place, didn't she? She told Mizi once, said it was peaceful and quiet up here. No one ever goes up the rooftops. Perhaps Sua was going to make this place her favorite, too. Mizi's cheeks hurt from grinning, and guts sickened from the sinking feeling.
“Sua!” She called, maybe more than once or twice, already running for an embrace the instant she saw the familiar figure by the railings.
She still smells the same. Feels the same. Mizi embraced tightly. Held her breath. She was scared if she moved or breathed wrong, it could all disappear. Sua could vanish again. She didn't want that.
“Mizi.” That gentle, almost dizzying melody again. Finally. Sua was real. She was there. With her. She felt a hand on her back, caressing it with care.
“Where were you? Why did you just… disappear like that?” Her eyes stung and voice cracked. Another hand caressed her hair.
“I'm sorry.” Sua spoke again. It only made her giddy. Sua was actually. Real. She was. There. Present. A tap Sua placed on Mizi's shoulder, signing to loosen up. Mizi then stared. Really, really stared. Her eyes were glassy and stinging, but she didn't dare blink.
Though, at that, Sua's gaze fell somewhere else. Her beautifully carved brows creased just slightly, her soft, pink lips tightened just a little bit.
Mizi felt her chest caved in just a little bit more.
Sua took a deep breath, her hands now on Mizi's shoulders, urging her to stand up properly. “Mizi,” she hesitated. “Let's… talk.”
She let herself out of Mizi's embrace, facing the city and the dimming sky again, and Mizi followed suit reluctantly, her eyes stayed on Sua just a little bit longer before to the sky. The sun had already disappeared behind the buildings, though the sky stayed light pinkish blue. It wasn't even night yet, Mizi realized.
“So,” Mizi started. “Are you finally going to tell me why you just… ghosted me like that?” Her eyes set on Sua, just now noticing how guilt-tripping her wording was. But she needed to know why. She had the right to.
“I… needed some time.” Sua still didn't look her way.
“For?”
“To think.”
“About?”
A soft, long sigh. Sua's head dipped lower just slightly. “Mizi, I saw my therapist again after a while.” Her voice lowered. Hints of hesitation. Guilt. And Mizi didn't like that.
Thoughts flooded her mind. She went to therapy again? What did she uncover during her sessions? That Mizi was a bad person? That they're not okay? That this relationship was bad for her? That Mizi couldn't treat her right? That Sua deserved better? Was Sua leaving her? No way. That couldn't be. Sua loves her. She knew that. What does that therapist even know about them anyway?
“The—” Sua almost continued, but Mizi cut her off.
“Oh, that's awesome, Sua! Hey, do you remember that one book fest that's coming up? I sent you the post, didn't—”
“Mizi.” Sua's eyes were trained on her now, but it wasn't like how she wanted it. Sua's face was creased. Concerned.
“Yeah, also I just came across this very cute cafe like a block away. The vibes remind me of y—”
“Mizi.”
“You like French pastries, don't y—”
“Mizi.”
“Souffle's your favorite, right? We should definit—”
“Mizi.” Mizi shut this time. Sua… raised her voice. At her. Her ribs hurt. Her body trembled. Like her chest was about to implode. Like a black hole was consuming her from the inside.
Sua looked away. Again. This is not good. I can't just let her go like this. My fragile, little thing.
“Wh—what's wrong, Sua?” She noticed her voice was trembling now. She couldn't breathe properly.
“I talked to my therapist about us—”
“No, Sua, how is this releva—”
“Mizi. Please.” Sua's melody-like voice cracked. Her beautiful, doll face creased. No. Not good.
“You know what's wrong. Stop pretending. It doesn't feel good, you know. And I know it doesn't for you either.”
“This relationship… It's harmful. For the both of us. And you know that. You depend too much on me. And I give too much to you. I don't have anything left for myself.”
“It's not your fault, Mizi. I'd never blame you for it. I just… need time and space to heal. And you, too, need that.”
No. No. No no no no no no no.
Sua pushed herself off the railing, sighing at the lack of response. She couldn't look at Mizi.
"B-but, Sua—"
"Mizi..." Sua's voice softened. Yet not a single thing about that calmed Mizi down.
“I only have the best of wishes for you, Mizi. Please, help yourself. There's so much more in this world than just me and you.” She took a step back.
There was a lump in Mizi's throat. A restrain on her muscles. So much she wanted to say. So much she wanted to do. And she could only stood there, frozen.
“I hope the next time we meet, both of us have already healed from the past and each other,” she took a deep breath. “See you when I see you, Mizi.”
Then, there she went. Step by step towards the door. Disappeared behind it. A clack from the door finalizing it all.
Mizi couldn't stop her. She wanted to. So badly, but she couldn't. Because deep down she knew, Sua was right. She was hurting Sua. Her beautiful, delicate love of her life. Took everything she could take. Drank all she could drink. Like an insatiable beast.
All the while she knew.
She sank to her knees, hugging them as she rocked herself back and forth. Her mind was a blur, voices screaming, memories flashing, everything shrieking like a sound with a frequency too high.
Her fragile god faded away, and she did nothing to stop it.