Work Text:
Nat just has to get just a bit further, just has to get to the top of this mountain and there she can try to call for help. ‘Just a couple more feet, that's all a couple more feet and you get to go home.’ It’s something she’s been telling herself for the past 400 feet just as a way to keep going. All she has to do is push one foot in front of the other, no matter how much snow and how little energy she has. She can’t be here for another winter, she won’t make it and she has to make it home. Has to make it back to Jackie. All she can hope is that Jackie is still waiting for her.
“Don’t you miss me?” Nat whips around and can see Jackie standing behind her. She is wearing Nat’s leather jacket over the floral dress she was wearing at the last party they went to. It takes Nat a moment to realize that this wasn’t possible. Jackie wasn’t on the plane, Jackie wasn’t subjected to the cruelty that the rest of them went through. The death, the starvation.
“More than you know Jack, more than you know.” Nat doesn’t know why she’s entertaining whatever this is, probably a hallucination which isn’t a good sign. Nat is trying to remember from what little she knows from Misty’s ramblings, but it’s probably altitude sickness.
“Why don’t you come here and kiss me then?” It’s a trick, a trick Nat’s mind is playing on her, but what’s the harm in talking back? Nat just can’t follow wherever imaginary Jackie takes her, she has to stay on route, the others are depending on her.
“Jackie, I want to get out of the snow! I can see the ledge where there isn’t snow so I’m trying to get there. I don’t want to suffer from the cold.” It’s probably the fact that it's been over a year since she has seen Jackie which is why she's continuing to talk to fake Jackie. There is a gaping hole in her chest where Jackie fills it. If Jackie can forgive Nat for everything she has done, then she is going to tell her how she feels. They never said “I love you” before Nat left. Nat was afraid of rejection, especially because of Jackie’s family and Jackie’s need to be perfect.
“I can take your suffering from you.” Nat can feel it’s a choice. Give up and be happy with fake Jackie until she dies of hypothermia, or she can continue on and hope to get rescue for everyone. Letting fake Jackie take away her suffering sounds better than it should, but Nat knows she can’t accept it. She just knows it’s a small portion of her brain that is tired of everything. Shauna, Lottie, Misty even. She just wants to be done. She’s tired of carrying this team on her shoulders, but who else would be able to do it?
“Fine, only if you can answer a question of mine.” Nat assumes that if she can talk to an unconscious part of her brain that it could help her figure out just how much she needs to go before she can call for help. “ Of course!” Fake Jackie looked so cheery to answer one of Nat’s questions.
“Ok, so to use the satellite phone how much further do I have to go up to the mountain?” Fake Jackie looks at her, then starts to make the thinking face that Jackie does which makes Nat miss Jackie even more. It is insane to Nat just how much she can remember so many things about Jackie, the crinkle in her nose when she is deep in thought, the small tilt of her head, how her hair falls just perfectly.
“You still have to go about 700 feet, but with the snow that makes it even harder.” That hurt Nat more than it should’ve. She knew it was around that much left, but she didn’t want to think about how close, yet so far the top was. That’s even if that spot will work. “No, that can’t be it. It has to be closer.”
Jackie does the small smile where she’s trying to be nice about the fact that Nat is wrong about something. Then she opens her arms as if to invite Nat in, “I can take your suffering away from you.” It’s a tempting offer, but Nat wants to hug the real Jackie. The living, breathing Jackie. Not whatever this hallucination is.
“Oh the things that I would do for you.” Nat turns and starts making her way back up the mountain. Putting one foot in front of the other. ‘Just a couple more steps. That's all. Then you’ll be at the top.’ Nat starts thinking that over and over again. She can do 700 more feet. Van, Mari, Melissa, everyone else is waiting for her to get help. Nat can still hear fake Jackie trying to convince her to stop, but she knows that she can’t. She is just going to continue to try to get there to make the phone call. Now she just needs someone real to answer her pleas for help.