Work Text:
Barbie was waiting for Ryan at her Dreamhouse as he drove up in his reconstructed Chevy Malibu that he had damaged in his accident. They had been communicating by email. She was delighted when he had finally agreed to an interview. He got out.
“Hey, girl,” Ryan said, “it’s been a long confusing drive but it’s worth it laying eyes on your beauty.”
“Doesn’t Eva get mad when you flirt like that?” Barbie asked, uncomfortable.
He blinked his eyes in confusion. “Eva’s fine with it as long as I don’t flirt with Rachel (1).”
“Who’s Rachel?”
“The actress in The Notebook. We had a real-life romance. First we hated each other, then we loved each other. It was very passionate and romantic (2)”
“Why did you hate each other?” Barbie asked.
“I brought my dog George with me to work every day and Rachel said she was allergic to dog hair. She wasn’t nice to my dog (3).”
“Oh,” Barbie said.
“I’m afraid George is no longer with us (4).”
“Where did he go?”
“He died, Barbie.” There were tears in his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She put her arms around him and hugged him. He leaned forward for a kiss and she pulled away. “I don’t think we should start that. This needs to be a professional meeting.”
“Okay,” he said, disappointed.
They went inside and sat down at the table. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything to offer you to drink,” Barbie said.
“Oh, that’s all right.” Ryan reached into a satchel he was carrying with him and pulled out a bottle of icy cold water. “I brought my own refreshment. I need it or I’ll get hoarse.”
Barbie got a notebook and a pen and prepared to ask the first question.
“If there’s anything that you don’t want to answer, feel free to skip the question. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Okay,” Ryan said.
“Are you Canadian? You don’t have a Canadian accent.”
“I am Canadian (5). My accent is based on Alan Alda. I enjoyed watching Mash reruns as a kid (6).”
“I’ve heard that your parents went through a very ugly divorce, and that you and your sister observed your father abuse your mother. (7) Were you ever abused as a child?”
“Prefer not to answer (8),” Ryan said. He paused. “Wait a minute. There was a time that I brought steak knives to school and threw them at the bullies who had been abusing other children (9). Other children then beat me up (10). My parents were pretty upset. I was suspended from school (11).”
“As well you should have been,” Barbie said.
“Then I was homeschooled for a while. I didn’t learn to read till I was 10 years old (12).”
“You must have felt stupid.”
“I did feel stupid. I had hyperactive attention disorder (13).”
“How did you get interested in show business?”
“My uncle was an Elvis impersonator (14). My aunt was a Lucille Ball impersonator (15). I loved going to their shows,” Ryan said.
“How did you get a job on the Mickey Mouse Show?”
“As a child I worked up a routine where I simulated sexual intercourse and did this in front of an audience. I would go up to a woman and show her exactly what I
wanted to do to her. I won prizes every time I did this (16). I did this same routine at the audition at 12 years old for Mickey Mouse and got the part (17). They even let me do it on the show a few times (18). I wasn’t talented enough to be on the show very much (19). Not like Justin Timberlake. Justin’s mom took care of me for a while when my mom had to go back to Canada to work (20).”
“Let’s talk about some of your movies. I managed to watch most of them,” Barbie said. “What about the sex scene in Blue Valentine with Michelle Williams? Was that hard to do?”
“You mean the lack of sex scene (21). That whole movie was very stressful to make. The director made me and Michelle live together for a year before filming the later scenes so our lives in the movie would be believable (22). Once he told me to go into Michelle’s bedroom and have sex with her. So I went in. She rejected me (23).” He smiled ruefully.
Barbie laughed. “I’ll bet you’re not used to being rejected.”
“That was the only time (24).”
“What’s this I hear about Harrison Ford punching you in the face while making Blade Runner 2049? (25).”
“He did it on purpose just because he was jealous that I got a bigger part (26). They brought me ice for my face and he took it away and put his hand into the ice. Then he brought me a bottle of wine, poured me a glass, and took the wine away (27).”
“Let’s talk about Drive. It was well received critically. But what did you feel about making a movie that was so violent?”
“I did some of the stunt driving for it (28). I love the director. I even kissed him on the mouth in front of an audience when he won an award for Best Director (29).”
“You weren’t afraid of being thought of as gay? (30).”
“Barbie, look at me. Do I seem gay to you?” He smiled.
“How did you like making The Gray Man?”
“It was the hardest movie physically I’ve ever done. I had to really get into shape (31).”
“How many years have you studied the piano so that you could play jazz piano in La La Land?”
“I’ve only studied the piano a few months though I played the drums and piano for my rock band. I practiced four hours a day to be able to play the piano in that movie
(32.)”
“Did you enjoy The Fall Guy?”
“I loved making the Fall Guy. It was a very popular movie. It had great box office success. Just the kind of summer movie people want to see (33).”
“You and Emily Blunt have great chemistry.”
“Thank you. She was one of the reasons for the movie’s big success (34).”
“Tell us about making Barbie. Ken would want to hear about that.”
“Ken is an idiot. I hated playing Ken. I don’t know why anyone would be interested in Ken (35). I had to wear a platinum blond wig (36) and wax all the hair off my body and face (37). I loved kissing Margot Robbie though (38). She was also the producer (39).”
“How did you get your body into such great physical shape?”
“I exercised four hours a day five days a week (40). On my off days I went swimming (41).”
“Why have you dated both Eva and Sandra Bullock? (42)”
“I like older women.”
“Are you and Eva married?”
“Prefer not to answer,” Ryan said. “I like to keep my private life private. (43)”
“Thanks for answering all these questions,” Barbie said. “Now would you give me a kiss?”
Ryan stood up, put his arms around her, and gave her a passionate kiss. She clung to his neck and kissed him back.
At that moment Ken chose to come inside. “What are you doing?!” He pulled Ryan away from Barbie, drew his fist back, and slugged him. His fist coincided with Ryan’s
forehead.
Ryan’s head fell back. He began to bleed. He put his hand on his forehead.
“Ken!” Barbie said. She got a scarf to wrap around Ryan’s forehead and stop the bleeding.
“How dare you kiss my girlfriend?” Ken said. “She’s mine!”
“I don’t belong to you or to anyone else!” Barbie said. “I’m my own person.”
“You are mine,” Ken repeated.
“She asked me to kiss her,” Ryan said.
“That’s a lie! She never asks me to kiss her.”
“It’s the truth,” Barbie said. “Now calm down, Ken. Go out and leave us alone.”
Ken looked miserable but obeyed. He always obeyed Barbie. He left the Dreamhouse.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan,” Barbie said.
“It’s all right. You’re everyone’s dream girl. I can see why Ken was jealous. Send me a copy of the magazine with the article when it comes out.” He smiled and left.
Barbie felt a warm happy feeling inside of her. She had done it. She had written her first article!
ANSWER KEY
1. Eva hates it when Ryan talks to Rachel. She is extremely jealous.
2. This depiction of Ryan’s romance with Rachel is accurate.
3. Rachel was not allergic to dog hair, and so far as I know Ryan did not bring his dog to work. He may not even have had George yet.
4. It is true that George is no longer alive. Ryan now has another dog.
5. Ryan is Canadian.
6. His accent is based on Marlan Brando.
7. I have read that Ryan and his sister saw their father abuse their mother.
8. There’s no way of knowing this.
9. This statement about the knives is true. Ryan had seen it in a movie.
10. Ryan was not beaten up.
11. He was suspended from school.
12. He was homeschooled for a while. I have read he couldn’t read till he was 10 but question the authenticity of this information.
13. He did have hyperactive attention disorder.
14. His uncle was an Elvis impersonator.
15. His aunt did not impersonate Lucille Ball.
16. Believe it or not this story about his impersonating sexual intercourse and winning prizes for it is true. I have heard him tell this story several times.
17. This is how he won the role on the Mickey Mouse Show.
18. Ryan never performed this act on the Mickey Mouse Show.
19. Whether he wasn’t talented enough or he just wanted to do the sexual act all the time I’m not sure. It’s true that he wasn’t used much.
20. It’s true that Justin Timberlake’s mom took care of Ryan for a while.
21. The scene in Blue Valentine may accurately be described as a lack of sex scene. Michelle Williams’ character refuses to have sex with Ryan.
22. Ryan and Michelle lived together for a month.
23. It is true that Michelle rejected Ryan in real life.
24. A little bit of bragging on Ryan’s part.
25. Harrison Ford did punch Ryan in the face during the making of Blade Runner 2049.
26. It was by accident.
27. It’s true about Harrison taking away the ice and the wine.
28. Ryan did do some stunt driving for Drive.
29. Ryan did kiss the director on the mouth (see the picture for this story).
30. Ryan has a secure sense of masculinity.
31. Ryan has said that The Gray Man was the hardest film for him physically.
32. Ryan did play the complicated jazz piano in La La Land and practiced four hours a day. He had never played piano before though he was a drummer and guitarist in a rock group.
33. The Fall Guy was not a box office success, though it was a critical success.
34. Some thought that Emily Blunt was not a big enough star to be paired with Ryan.
35. Ryan loved playing Ken even though he’s an accessory and not even one of the cool ones.
36. Ryan dyed his own hair platinum blond because he didn’t think the wig looked good.
37. Ryan did have to wax the hair off his body and face. So did the other Kens.
38. Ryan never got to kiss Margot Robbie.
39. It is true that she was the producer though she did not insist on having a scene where she kissed Ryan.
40. The amount of exercise that Ryan did to prepare for this movie is incredible.
41. He went running or played basketball with his friends on his off days.
42. Sandra was 36 when she dated a 21-year-old Ryan. Eva is currently 50 while Ryan is 43.
43. Eva has referred to Ryan once as “my husband” but the couple refuses to confirm this relationship.