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I'm not sure how long I’ve been sitting here
The sliding door creaks softly behind me as the wind slips in, uninvited, but not unwelcome. Hikaru's house still smells like him. That mix of old wood, dust, and the faintest hint of watermelons from the time we ate them together. Even now, with him gone or rather, changed, it's all still here. The ordinary clings like cobwebs
I lean back against the wall, the tatami mat scratching against my palms. I look around. Nothing is different. Everything is different
His shoes are still by the door. His schoolbag in the corner, left half-open. A game we never finished sits by the TV. It’s all perfectly still, like this house is holding its breath, pretending time never moved forward
But I did
Or I tried
"I know you're not coming back," I whisper, eyes fixed on the empty doorway across from me. The hallway is dark. He's somewhere in there. Maybe standing silently behind the screen. Maybe listening. Maybe not even real
"But I'm not grossed out anymore" I say to no one. To him
There was a time I thought I'd throw up just looking at him. That thing. With Hikaru's eyes. His lips. The way it tilted its head and smiled too slowly.
But now...
It's starting to feel pleasant. Familiar. Even his silence feels like home.
I feel pathetic for it. Or maybe just honest
"I still hold my feelings for you, Hikaru. Even if you're just a copy, a monster, walking around in his corpse" My throat tightens, but my voice doesn’t shake "Even if everything in me screams that it's wrong, I can't ignore you. I can't leave you. And I can't pretend you're just a replacement"
A soft thud, like someone shifting their weight, echoes from the hallway.
I look up
Still nothing there
"Maybe it's just my ego" I say, almost smiling. "But I don’t really care about the others. Never did. It was always you"
It’s quiet again. Heavy silence
I close my eyes and let the memory play again, your last words before the accident, before everything fell apart.
"Don’t feel sad, okay?" you said "Don’t cry for me"
But I did. I still do. I always will
I’m not okay, Hikaru
But you're still here, aren't you?
So I'll stay too
I'll be by your side. No matter what you are. No matter what you become. I'll stay
Because I love you
And maybe... maybe that's enough.