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I hear him
He's sitting in the living room, pressed against the wall like he's trying to become part of it. His voice is low, almost like he's afraid the house will hear. But I hear everything. The wind. The hush of the sliding door. The words he doesn't say
I do not breathe, but I can feel the air shift with him. I do not blink, but I watch him through the thin slit between the screen and the frame
He hasn't changed the room. Not one thing. My shoes are still by the door. My schoolbag slumped over in the corner, still sagging under notebooks. The game we didn't finish... They game they didn't finish, The disc is still inside
He keeps it all like I might walk in again
But I already have
He just won't look at me
"I know you're not coming back" he says
He's wrong. I am here. I came back. I walked through the door, just not the way he wanted
He's quiet for a moment. I wait
"But I'm not grossed out anymore"
Those words pull at something in me. Something small. Old. A feeling. My head tilts before I can stop it. A habit left over from when I used to be better at pretending
There was a time when he recoiled from me. When he couldn't look at my hands. When my smile made him flinch. I thought he'd run
But he stayed
And now he says… it feels pleasant
Familiar
Even my silence feels like home
He says he still holds feelings for me. That even if I'm just a monster, he can't ignore me. Can't leave me. Can't pretend to think that I'm the real Hikaru
I feel his words settle in the space between us. Like dust. Like rain
A thud escapes me, accidental. I shifted. Too loud. He hears
He looks up
Our eyes don't meet, but I know where he's staring. Right at me, through the dark
I don't move again
He smiles, barely "Maybe it's just my ego. But I don't really care about the others. Never did. It was always you"
Me or the real Hikaru?
What am I now, Yoshiki?
Am I enough?
He closes his eyes. Replays Hikaru's last words
"Don't feel sad, okay? Don't cry for me"
But he did
He still does
And that’s why he's here, making promises into the silence like it's listening. Like he is listening
He says he'll stay
No matter what I am
That he loves me
That maybe it's enough
I don't have a heart, not really, yet something aches in my chest
I want to step forward
I want to tell him that I remember real Hikaru's memories... yet I, a monster, love the way he laughs, I love his moles which he hates so much, the way the summer light hits his face when he isn't looking. I want to tell him so much
But I don't speak
I stay in the hallway, still and silent, watching him love the monster of Hikaru
And wondering if monsters are allowed to love back