Chapter Text
I want to kill myself
The first time the words invaded his thoughts, Izuku was fourteen, and it was in the middle of the night.
It wasn’t the first time Izuku thought of dying, but this time, it was less.. ‘What if i got hit by a car and never woke up?’ and more ‘I want to dunk my head in the bath and not come up for air’
The realisation left Izuku silently gaping.
What?!
I’m not suicidal!!
But the idea didn’t feel new. It was almost.. familiar. If felt as if every time he couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, every time he thought ‘I deserve it’ while being put in his place, all the times he couldn’t bring himself look in the mirror had all slipped into a dark corner of his mind and only now was it finally coming to light, overflowing and infecting the rest of him.
I want to kill myself
It was hard to think. The thought repeated over and over, overlapping and circling his mind until it’s all he could focus on.
I want to kill myself
I don’t want to live
I want to end my suffering
I want to end it all
It was as if years worth of despair and hopelessness all came back to torture him at once.
In the form of one idea.
All he could see when he closed his eyes was his own death, in all manner of ways. Drowning, Hanging, Jumping. But that’s not what Izuku was scared of most. He was used to intrusive thoughts, images forcing themselves into his mind or ideas so heinous all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut and grip his hair and pull until it passed.
What Izuku was truly scared of was the realisation that this time, he wasn’t opposed to the idea.
The idea of dying.
The idea of killing himself.
In fact, envisioning his own death made him almost relax, and he swore he could feel his heart slowing and his racing thoughts come to a stop, as if this was his body’s way of reassuring him, telling him it’s all right, to not be afraid, it was going to be over soon.
Izuku was sure that if he tried to speak right now, he wouldn’t even stutter. This.. feeling. This almost addictive feeling of pure calm washed over him and he found himself feeling truly at peace for the first time in years.
And he couldn’t get enough of it.
—
When Katsuki got to school the next day, Deku wasn’t there.
He didn’t think much of it. Sure the nerd always shows up before him, and almost never misses school, but sometimes his mom would pull him out for a day or two. Auntie probably just lets him stay home on the days she has off work, so they can spend time together or something. Apparently she’s almost always working, the hag is always going on about how Inko never has time for her anymore.
Katsuki scowls, he was really hoping to let off some steam today. Guess he’ll just have to give stupid Deku double the beating tomorrow. If he even shows up, the dumb nerd.
But still, Katsuki can’t help but wonder if something happened. Not that he would care, of course, but still. It’s just not like him. Maybe he'll ask Sensei after the bell rings, and see if Auntie called to say Deku wouldn’t be coming today.
Class dragged on, and every little noise put him on edge. The absence of Deku’s stupid muttering was even more agitating than having to listen to it, and Katsuki was getting restless. Finally, the bell rang, and he waited for the class to clear out, scowling at the stupid extras waving him over. When the classroom was empty, Katsuki approached. The teacher was marking papers at his desk, and only looked up when he heard him stomping over.
“Ah, Bakugou, what can I do for you? You aren’t usually one to stay after class to ask about work..?”
Sensei sounded unnecessarily nervous, and it was pissing Katsuki off.
“I’m not here to ask about the work. I want to know if stupid Deku was called out of school or if he’s fucking ditching.”
Katsuki grit out the words, barely managing to not shout at his stupid homeroom teacher for daring to think he needed to ask about the work, as if he’s stupid.
“Ah. Midoriya,” He spoke Deku’s name like it was something dirty. “No, I haven’t received a call regarding his absence.”
Katsuki growled.
What.
Deku never skips school.
What the fuck did that little nerd think he was doing?
Just as Sensei was opening his mouth, he turned and stomped out the door, before slamming it, making the doorframe rattle. Explosions were going off in his hands and he swore he felt smoke coming out of his nose. This was bullshit. Who does Deku think he is? Ditching school to fuck off and play with his All Might figures or something. Since when was he so stupid?
Or was he trying to avoid Katsuki, get out of having his scrawny ass blown up? As if that’d stop him. He knows his address, he could kick down Deku’s door and blast the shit out of him for having the audacity to think he could skip school.
Whatever. Katsuki won’t have his day ruined by that stupid nerd when he’s not even here.
Deku better show up tomorrow.
—
Deku shows up to school the next day.
But from the second he walks through the door, Katsuki can tell he’s wrong. First off, he was late. Deku is never late, but today, he was, and it's pissing Katsuki off.
Sixteen minutes after the bell rings, Deku walks through the door looking like hell.
His uniform was a mess, all wrinkled and half buttoned up, and his hair looked unwashed and dishevelled. For fucks sake he had eyebags bigger than All Might. What the fuck was wrong with him?
And his expression. It was goddamn freaky, all blank and empty-eyed. Like a dead fish.
Now, Katsuki prided himself on being able to read the nerd based on just his pathetic face.. but right now he couldn’t discern any emotion at all. Even the colour of him seemed to have sapped away, leaving a subpar monochrome version in his place. Katsuki swears he didn’t flinch when they made eye contact.
….It was like looking into the abyss.
Like he said, freaky.
Just then, Deku finally spoke, turning to face Sensei.
“Sorry. Traffic.” God, even his voice was empty. Disturbingly so. And it seems this change wasn’t missed by the teacher, or the class, either. He could see people shifting uncomfortably out of the corner of his eye. So.. they clearly notice the change, too. Good to know he's not been imagining it, because for a moment there he thought he might’ve been.
And then it hit him. Traffic!? The nerd walks to school! He knows because Inko’s work starts too early for her to drive him, and, other than her, who else could? Who else would? Plus, he’s seen the useless freak walk to and from school since they were kids. There's no way he was driven today, he's fucking lying. And.
Oh.
Deku is lying, straight faced and without a stutter. Katsuki’s eyes widen and he suddenly feels a sick uncanny feeling. Like the boy he’s known his whole life suddenly isn’t human. Katsuki digs his nails into his palm to try and keep the explosions at bay.
“No excuses, detention after class Midoriya. Now sit down and be quiet, you’ve caused enough trouble.” The teacher spoke flatly, but his eyes were wide. Clearly Deku’s strange demeanour wasn’t enough to make anyone pity him, after all he was still a useless little Deku, Katsuki had to remind himself. This doesn’t change anything.
Sensei had told him to just sit down and be quiet. And.. he did? There were no excessive apologies, no stuttering explanation, no stumbling steps. He walked calmly to his desk and just.. sat. Silently. What the fuck!? Katsuki had a sick feeling in his stomach.
Class starts, everyone moves on and tries to ignore Deku, as usual, and yet.. he is still silent. Not even the sound of a scratching pencil or quiet muttering could be heard, and it was weird. Was this even Deku? He was sitting upright and staring straight ahead, in the direction of the board the teacher was using to explain some math problem, though he could tell he wasn’t paying attention. He hadn’t even opened his book to take notes.
Katsuki thought maybe he was still half asleep. That he’d slept in and just forgot to set an alarm, that he’d be back to his annoying self any moment and then Katsuki could yell at him to shut up, just like normal.
But he didn’t go back to normal. He was silent and calm the entire lesson. Once it was break, Katsuki told himself he would find out why he’s acting like this, one way or another.
When the bell rang, Katsuki meandered out of class and waited by the door for Deku, who still had detention. He told the extras to fuck off, they weren’t needed this time. He could hold him down by himself.
Detention took longer than usual, around half an hour, and after waiting by the door, seething, he was ready to march in and interrogate Deku in front of the teacher or not. It’s not like he’d do anything about it.
Finally, just when Katsuki was about to kick down the door, Deku walks out and Katsuki grabs his shirt and roughly tugged him towards the boys bathroom before he could start struggling.
He opened the door to the bathroom and threw Deku against the tiles. He was getting impatient.
—
From the moment Izuku first felt that total calm, he found himself constantly craving the sensation. It was relieving, fantasising his own suicide. It felt as if the bricks he’s been carrying for years finally crumbled, like all his burdens had washed away, and he found himself truly content for the first time in 10 years.
So all I had to do was imagine committing suicide?
He didn’t quite get it, but it worked. The day after that night, Izuku did something he’s never done before. He skipped school.
Sure, it was risky, but he wanted to test his theory.
How long will this last?
So he tested it. All day he went around the house imagining every possible method of suicide, to see if that was really all it took.
But, alas, it wasn't. You see, soon, Izuku sort of got.. desensitised to the idea, looking up so many obscure methods on his laptop only made it worse. He wasn't floored by the idea anymore.
And slowly, he realised, that maybe that true feeling of peace was only able to be achieved the first time he imagined his suicide. Now, it was nothing more than any other intrusive thought to him.
And he wouldn’t, couldn’t, accept that.
So he searched. He searched the internet for other ways to reach that peace, he needed it. At least for now, until he could..further consider the idea.
And, he found it. Really, he should have known. Every time Izuku was beaten, it always hurt, at first. No matter how much he was roughed up, the first punch always hurt. But, after a while, he usually found himself… dissociating? He sort of zones out and suddenly he doesn't feel anything at all. Of course, it wasn’t the same feeling of peace, and he didn't particularly enjoy being beaten, but maybe, just maybe, it would be enough, for now.
Maybe, he’ll take matters into his own hands.
Izuku wonders though, if he did.. hurt himself, would it sting with the shame and humiliation he felt while being punished? He thought he might have to test the theory. An experiment, that’s all, nothing more.
Izuku can’t help but hope he’ll feel that peace again.
He walks to the bathroom and opens the door.
Surely this would help, right? Just to prevent him from doing something much more drastic instead, just to feel that calm again. This isn’t even a big deal, he gets hurt so much anyway. Doing it himself will hardly make a difference.
Opening the drawer next to the sink, he rifles through random makeup products and sanitary wipes until he finds his mother’s spare shaving razors nestled near the back. They’re small, unassuming. Just little flat bits of metal, all new and shiny. Sharp, too.
Izuku presses the razor edge to his thumb and watches blood well up. Hm. Now he’ll have to look for the bandaids. He set the razor down gently on the sink, before putting the box of razors back into the drawer and closing it.
Sucking on his thumb, he leans down to find the bandaids under the sink, before sticking one around his thumb and closing the cabinet door. Doesn’t hurt to keep the blood off his clothes. He doesn’t want to get caught that easily.
His thumb is stinging.
Izuku slowly picks the razor back up, avoiding slicing his fingers open. Grabbing a roll of toilet paper he walks back to his room and shuts the door, before sitting on his bed.
He isn’t afraid. He can do this, he just has to make the first and the others will come easier, something tells him. Whispering. Egging him on.
He doesn’t hesitate. Rolling up his hoodie sleeve, he presses the cool blade to his forearm and swipes.
It takes a couple seconds for the blood to well up, and soon it's steadily dripping down his arm and onto the ball of toilet paper settled in his lap.
He was right. The others do come easier.
—
“What the hell were you doing, huh!? Ditching school like some extra? What, you think you’re too good to show up?!”
Katsuki shouts, glaring down at the dark lump lying motionlessly on the tiled floor.
“Think you can avoid me?! Can get away with coming here all weird and quiet, what, you ‘tryna make me take pity on you?! As IF! You’re still a useless deku and NOTHING will change that!”
Katsuki is shouting now, but Deku hasn’t moved. Hasn’t even spoke, or made any sound at all, other than the thump when he hit the floor.
Why isn’t he apologising? Why isn’t he blubbering by now?!
“You HEAR me Deku? Or did you hit the floor too hard and finally lose your last fucking braincell!”
“I hear you”
It’s quiet, subdued. Almost a whisper.
Katsuki just looks at him, grinding his teeth.
Why is this so hard?
Suddenly, Katsuki’s rage floods out of him and he’s left staring at the pitiful sight Deku makes. Katsuki has asked himself this more times than he can count, but truly, what the absolute fuck is wrong with Deku?!
He expresses the curiosity.
“What the fuck is wrong with you.” His voice is flat.
Finally, Izuku looks up and they make eye contact again. Katsuki suppresses a shiver.
“Nothing, Kacchan. I’m fine. Nothing you need to worry about.”
Why did the nerd make that sound so ominous?
“What do you mean nothing is wrong? You show up looking like you just crawled out of the gutter and you expect me to believe that?
“No, Kacchan. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Finally, an apology! But.. it isn’t as satisfying as he thought it’d be. If anything, the flat voice and the lack of tears makes him stiffen.
Slowly, Deku makes his way to a sitting position, before staring up at Katsuki with this new blank look of his.
“I’m sorry for bothering you.”
After sitting for a moment, and realising Katsuki isn’t going to speak, or lunge at him, he stands up and stares at him.
Katsuki can’t find it within himself to do anything at all.
Slowly, Izuku steps around him and leaves the bathroom.
Something is seriously fucking wrong.
The rest of the day passed in a blur, with Katsuki ignoring Izuku as much as he could and trying to keep his mind off the eerie boy sitting behind him, probably staring at him, the creep.
When it came time for school to end Katsuki gathered his belongings and walked as quickly as he could outside and through the school gate. He knew Deku’s house was in the same direction, and he wanted to get as far from school as possible before the freak decided to walk behind him and keep staring.
Katsuki had a lot to think about tonight.
—
After the bell rang, Izuku watched as Kacchan speed-walked out the classroom door as fast as he could, almost as if he was escaping something. Escaping him.
Well, how the tables have turned.
Look, Izuku isn’t stupid. He knows he’s freaked out Kacchan but there isn’t much to do about it. Izuku likes feeling calm, for once. Not constantly on edge and fearing for his well-being. It’s like he’s been enlightened. There is no point in unnecessary stress when he can just accept that nothing will ever change and that’s that. Besides, he’s got a new outlook on life now. Or, outlook on death. It just doesn’t bother him. Before, the thought was a little distressing, but he honestly couldn’t care less now. He’s not really.. looking for it just yet, but the thought doesn’t scare him, nor does he oppose the idea. It’s honestly a little exciting seeing how many different ways he could die outside of his apartment.
He could be killed by a bully, like being pushed off the roof or drowned in a toilet (not that that’s a particularly great way to die) he could be the victim of a villain attack or a robbery. Or be killed in a quirkless hate crime. Hah.
But that’s besides the point. The point is that he won’t try to stop whatever deadly occurrence comes his way. That’s all.
Ah, he’s zoned out. It’s a habit he just can’t shake.
Blinking, he looks around and finds that everyone has left, even the teacher. Strange, usually one of his classmates would at least try to throw him around a little, or steal his stuff. Or just yell at him. Maybe they did and he just didn’t notice.
Oh well, better get going.
Picking up his bag, thankfully light without the stupid notebooks he used to carry around. He can’t believe up until yesterday he’d wanted to be a hero. As if. Actually, now that Izuku has made this delightful discovery about his.. ah, prospects, he finds a lot of the things he used to enjoy rather useless. Analyzing heroes? Honestly, a waste of time. Besides, he’s found a better hobby now.
Walking out the school gates he finds the sun setting. What better thing to do than wander the streets at night?
It’s dark now, the sun has set, and he couldn’t be happier. The city is beautiful at night, all pretty lights and full moon.
He wonders if he’ll catch an underground hero lurking around, trying to blend in.
Making his way to the tallest building with a fire escape he could find, Izuku climbs up to the roof and looks out over the city. You can’t see the stars with all the smog. He wonders if there are stars in the afterlife.
Sitting down near the railing, Izuku makes himself comfortable.
Afterall, his mother is home tonight. Better to not risk going home after her busy week, that’s always when she’s the angriest, and the least he could do is give her a break from having to take care of him. And he always needs to be taken care of, one way or another.
Closing his eyes, he waits for the morning so he can.. do it all again..until he finds the courage, he supposes.
Izuku swears he heard light footsteps on the roof just as he drifts off.
—
Waking to the brightness behind his eyes, he estimates it’s mid morning. Maybe he’ll make it in time for homeroom? Probably not, not that he particularly cares much either way.
Making his way down the fire escape, he makes his way to school. He is so tired.
Walking into the classroom, one hour and thirteen minutes late, if the old clock on the wall is correct, he walks to his seat without bothering to make up an excuse. He’ll get detention either way, it’s pointless. A lot of things seem pointless these days.
He faintly hears the teacher scold him, and dole out another detention, before laying his head on the desk and zoning out for the rest of class. He hopes Kacchan isn’t mad at him again.
—
Katsuki. Can. Not. Fucking. Believe it.
Over an hour late!?
What the fuck? Apart from the fact that Deku is most definitely wearing the same thing from yesterday, he somehow looks even worse than the day before. He didn’t roll out of a ditch this time, it looked like he just rolled out of a grave.
Katsuki did, in fact, do a lot of thinking last night. And he decided that no matter what the nerd pulls, he won’t fall for it. If this is some weird tactic to make Katsuki leave him alone, it won’t work. He’s had enough of his bullshit and he’ll fucking show that nerd just how much after class.
The bell rings, and Katsuki pulls the deku out of his seat and drags him out into the hallway, followed by the extras. Deku won’t get away with it this time.
—
By the end of the day, Izuku is tired. Like, bone-deep tired. Turns out the ceasefire yesterday was a once off and he got double the punishment today. It seems he must’ve done something especially wrong, because the beating is worse than usual. Kacchan doesn’t hold back with his quirk, and neither do his friends. Izuku barely dragged himself back to class after they left him crumpled on the grass.
The dissociation helped. It always does.
The bell rang for hometime and Izuku lugged his bag over his shoulder before turning to walk out the door. Except, Kacchan and his gang were blocking the way. Ah, round two. His favourite.
“Where do you think you’re going, stupid deku!” One guy starts.
“Yeah, we haven’t had enough yet.” The other snarks.
God this is all so cliche. Izuku needs a break.
Just then, one of them came up behind him and snatched his bag from his shoulder, before pouring all the contents to the floor. They kick the books around, looking for something.
“What, decided not to bring your stupid fucking hero book today?”
Looking up, Izuku stares at Kacchan. He looks.. unnerved. Izuku wonders why.
“I don’t write those anymore. It’s a waste of time.” Izuku comments mildly.
One of Kacchan’s friends laughs and the other snorts.
Izuku is still looking at Kacchan, and he watches as his face drops and he looks.. wrong-footed, for a moment, before seeming to build his demeanour back up and saying, strangely level-headed,
“Yeah, well good. You weren’t ever going to become a hero. The only way you could try is by taking a swan dive off the roof of the building and praying for a quirk in your next life.”
His friends laugh, but suddenly everything seems murky, as if looking through a cloudy window. There’s ringing in his ears.
When he comes to, he’s on the ground and with a new burn around his neck.
The sun isn’t setting this time. He still has the day to go visit his new favourite building.
—
Yagi is so fucked.
After taking down the sludge villain in the sewer, and saving the young blonde boy, he took off to quickly deliver the villain to police custody before his quirk ran out completely, only to misjudge the amount of time he had left and crash into a rooftop before he fell to his death. He’ll have to ask Tsukauchi to take the villain off his hands, afterall he can’t just walk into a police precinct looking like this.
Rolling onto his knees, Yagi coughs up blood, hunching over as he tries to breathe air back into his damaged lung.
“Are you alright?”
Yagi startles and looks up quickly. A middle school boy was sitting across the rooftop, looking at him serenely, as if a flying man hadn’t just crash landed ten feet away. What if he saw him transform? What if this boy now knew his secret?
“Do you need me to call an ambulance?” While Yagi was distracted the boy had approached and was now standing in front of him, still looking as calm as ever.
Catching his breath, he looked up and tried to sound like he wasn’t just hacking up a lung (Hah.) a minute ago.
“I’m alright young man, no need for that. What are you doing up here?”
Yagi tries not to sound nervous. He fails.
“Ah well. I was just looking at the clouds. You can see them so well up here.”
The boy still sounds placid. He doesn’t look all that well either. Standing in a scrunched uniform and greasy hair, bruises stretch all over his face, and there's a strangely hand-shaped burn around his neck. It’s.. worrying. He looks rather gaunt too, well, he can’t talk, but it’s still concerning to see on a boy who couldn’t be older than thirteen.
“That’s.. Nice. Are you quite alright?”
“I feel like you’re the one who we should be worried about, sir. Are you sure you don’t need a hospital?”
“Yes yes, I’m fine. I.. don’t suppose you saw what happened up there, did you?”
The boy shrugs.
“Ah, I did. I apologise. I know you’re All Might. What I’m wondering is why you transformed into a completely different person, and then crash landed onto the roof.”
The boy doesn’t sound confronting, only maybe slightly curious. It’s hard to tell with the blank look on his face.
Again, Yagi was fucked.
“Ah, I.. Well to tell you the truth young man, I suffered a great injury many years ago and never quite recovered. My quirk has had a time limit since then. I overrun it today, it seems..”
The boy blinked.
“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. But, would you mind if I asked you a question?”
Of course, a child would have questions after a discovery like that. Yagi tried to hold his sigh. He doesn’t think he succeeded, not that the boy seems to mind.
“Do you think a quirkless kid could become a hero?”
Oh. That explains the bruises. Yagi doesn’t have the energy to sugarcoat his words.
“I’m sorry, young man, but it’s already a dangerous job. Without a quirk a job like that would kill you. If you want to help people, you could always become a police officer, or a doctor.”
Just then he felt his pockets, remembering the bottles full of sludge. Which were gone.
Yagi is triple fucked.
“Ah, I’m very sorry, but I have to go! I have very important business to attend to!”
He must have dropped them during his fall. They must be around the area, he has to find them before the villain breaks free!
Climbing to his feet unsteadily, he runs for the door and races down the stairs. He hears a slam behind him. He doesn’t think about anything but the sludge villain potentially on the loose. Yagi must find it before it can hurt anyone else.
–
Izuku was watching the clouds when it happened. Sitting up slightly, he saw as All Might flew towards his building. Despite his newfound lack of hero worship, he still found a part of him that became excited upon seeing his hero in person for the first time.
That was until he transformed into a gaunt man in a puff of smoke and came crashing down onto his rooftop.
Izuku doesn’t know why he asked if he could be a hero. He really doesn’t. But somewhere, deep inside, he supposed he still had that silly dream. And seeing his hero in person, it awakened something inside and he just couldn’t help but ask the burning question that's been plaguing him since he was a child. Could a quirkless person like him truly become a hero.
The excitement died when he got his answer. Something else inside of him that wasn’t already dead died too, in that moment. He couldn’t find it within himself to care. The slamming of the door didn’t dissuade him as he went to lay back down, waiting for the stars.