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Kim Iwol wasn’t suicidal. He didn’t say it aloud, because he knew that voicing this thought to his team would only worry and distract them from their activities. They had a comeback coming up, on top of the radio interview and everything that entailed.
Worrying his members was never good, but it would be even worse now, when Kang Kiyeon was having a breakdown and Choi Jaeho was watching him with even more intent eyes than usual.
Still. It was on Kiyeon’s account that he’d seen the search on the shared computer. His heart had nearly stopped when he saw the word “suicide” wondering if he was such a bad teammate he’d missed his maknae’s struggles. It turned out he hadn’t missed them after all. He’d caused them instead.
Kang Kiyeon thought Kim Iwol was inches away from crumbling, and had even looked up how to help a loved one through suicidal tendencies. Which meant he thought Iwol was suicidal.
It was hard, to be unable to ask anyone the question. Did anyone else think he was suicidal? How had Kiyeon even come to that conclusion? Was he actually suicidal and the only one who didn’t know?
“Hyung.” A voice pulled him out of his musings and Iwol raised his head. From behind the tree was coming Seongbin, reliable as ever even though Iwol hadn’t told anyone where he was going. He’d probably made them worried too. He tried to push down the usual pang of guilt that welled up again.
“Didn’t think you’d find me here,” Iwol sighed, pulling his head back forward to look at the scenery. A wide open field, a bucolic scenery. With the rising sun on his right, all that was missing to complete the picture was a couple of rabbits frolicking in the grass.
“You didn’t try very hard to hide,” Seongbin pointed out.
He sat down beside Iwol and didn’t say anything else. Iwol sighed. Seongbin wouldn’t let him get away with deflecting by mentioning their activities, but neither would he push like Jeho and give Iwol an excuse to clam up. Iwol had really become too spoiled, to complain about quiet support like that.
Still, if there was one person he could ask the question to, it would be Seongbin.
“Seongbin-ah.” He clicked his tongue, unable to let the words push past his lips. “Do you think I have…” Suicidal felt like too heavy of a word to say aloud. He wouldn’t burden his teammate with that emotional question.
Iwol shook his head and sighed. Turns out he was going to deflect after all. How very much like him, to not even be brave enough to ask.
“I don’t believe you’re suicidal,” Seongbin said steadily. Too steadily, in fact. He was saying it like he’d practiced the sentence, like he’d thought about the right way to say the words, like he’d thought about Iwol’s reaction to them before letting them leave his mouth.
Still, it worked. Iwol felt a big weight leave his chest, and his diaphragm unblock, letting him breathe more easily. He had known the answer logically, but having it affirmed… Truly was a gift.
“However,” Seongbin continued. “You have dangerously strong self-worth issues that border on the self-destructive, and we’re all worried about it.”
Iwol froze.
“I don’t-”
“If one member had to leave the group, who do you think it would it be?”
Iwol closed his mouth. There was only one correct answer to that, and he felt like it wouldn’t be one Seongbin would accept.
“We’ll stop worrying when you stop answering your name to that question.”