Chapter Text
‘I’m glad you didn’t go to Paris.’
‘Thank you, that’s so sweet.’
‘Well, only kind of sweet. It’s more about Emma. Well, about Ben, really,’ Carol has that awkward look, that awkward smile, tilt of her head. Rachel has always thought there was something of the heron about her, ‘he was a bit sad about Emma being taken away.’
‘Oh my god I didn’t even think.’ All visions of gangling water birds fly out of Rachel’s head at the implication, ‘I mean, she’s a baby, it’s not like they can play together or anything. She’s always just been on her playmat while he runs around the flat and shows her stuff…’ her voice slows down as Rachel hears herself and she pulls her face, like she’s bitten a lemon, ‘that is kind of playing with her isn’t it? I mean, it’s what I used to do with him when he was tiny and I didn’t know how to entertain him.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘God I’m stupid. I’m so sorry, Ross didn’t tell me.’
‘Ross doesn’t know. We didn’t want to give him too much reason to try to make you stay if you, you know, really wanted to go.’ She means too much ammunition, but she can see Rachel doesn’t get it. Maybe that’s good. ‘…but now you’re not...’ Carol trails off.
‘I’m sorry,’ Rachel says again, ‘will you tell Ben I’m sorry? Or... I dunno.’
‘He’s in his room,’ Susan pipes up from the couch. On point as always.
‘OK.’ Rachel takes a deep breath. ‘OK.’
Ben’s door is ajar, but she knocks on the frame before she goes in, stands just inside the room as he looks up.
’Hey Mister.’ She’s pretty sure her voice is too high, her smile kind of wobbly.
‘Hey.’ He’s what now, eight? Older? He’s had another growth spurt, all limbs like his mom and dad. He’s missing a couple of canines, growing pretty tanned but still fair-headed. A kid, but not a little kid.
Rachel recalibrates a bit. ‘Can I sit down?’
‘Sure.’ Ben makes room on the bed, even though he’s a skinny, skinny boy and doesn’t need to make room.
‘I just wanted to say. To let you know...’ Rachel peters out. ‘Look, you know your dad and I got back together.’
‘Yeah.’ He nods, looks pleased but, at the same time, like he doesn’t really trust it. So transparent, poor kid. Rachel feels awful. Dumb. Oblivious.
‘OK, look. Here’s the deal. You and Emma are brother and sister, right.’
‘Right.’
‘And I promise… I really do promise, Ben, honey, that whatever happens with your dad and me I will never, ever take her away from you. And I’m so sorry, again, I didn’t mean to be.., you know, I swear. I didn’t know it would bother you.’
‘Doesn’t bother me,’ he says, looking down between his feet as he swings them, still too big for his body, shrugging his razor blade shoulders in that way that means it really does but no-one was supposed to notice. Like he’s ashamed of being caught caring. Where do guys learn this stuff?
‘Well anyway, I promise. You’re her big brother, ok? It’s important.’ Rachel pats the bed rather than his knee, has some confused idea he’d prefer it. ‘She’s lucky to have you.’
Another deep breath. ‘So, I guess that’s all I wanted to say.’ Rachel gets up to go, but turns back at the door, can’t resist a good exit, ‘and I guess I’ll be expecting you for baby-sitting duties when you’re about 13, right? Just so you know. She’ll be seven by then. You’ll have a blast.’