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I hardly ever wake up alone.
Even before Kaidan and I were together, I've always had nightmare-riddled dreams and the inability to go back to sleep once they startle me awake. I always used to give up on more sleep and just get up and get some work done.
He called me on it after our first night together... when I couldn't bear to wake him and slipped out of bed silently. He wasn't mad; he just hated to miss the chance to wake up with me.
Since then, I've made it a point never to leave without at least a kiss. That usually will wake him enough to at least return it, even if there's no time for more.
During my recovery, when I sometimes fell into a deep sleep from the exhaustion of trying to relearn how to use my body, I'd open my eyes to find him already awake. Just lying there watching me sleep. I asked him once if he didn't have anything better to do than watch an old man sleeping. He had just pulled me close enough that our foreheads touched and said, 'No.'
This morning he's not here.
I remember yesterday's news and how I held him most of the night. He'd been so quiet, lying so still in my arms, his body warm and present but his thoughts so far away. I'd told him it was okay, that I get it, that everyone grieves in their own time and their own way... but that I was here if he needed me.
He'd just kissed me very softly and tucked his head under my chin, letting me cradle him until he finally fell asleep.
Now the pallid sunlight says it's morning and he's gone.
I pull on a pair of jeans and toss my hoodie over a t-shirt that might well be his, but it was the first one I found. Surprisingly his blue hoodie is still here, tossed over the foot of the bed. Picking it up, I go to find him.
I don't have to look far. The kitchen is empty, without even any sign that he'd made coffee. But I see him now, standing on the deck that wraps around the back of the house, looking out over the Burrard Inlet. It's not the same view as he had from his parents' apartment in Vancouver before the war. This is closer to the ground, closer to the water. A less expansive view, but a more intimate one.
He gives no sign that he's heard me as I step outside to join him. Dressed in worn jeans that he'd retrieved when we'd visited his mother, the sleeves of an equally old woolen sweater are pushed up as he leans on the railing.
"Kaidan. Hey, there you are."
It's a grey overcast morning, patchy fog hanging low over the headlands. That particular light seems to have quenched the gold that usually glints in his eyes, leaving them dark and tired, not helped by the dark circles that speak of how little he'd slept.
I rest my hand on the small of his back and he turns at the touch.
"John, hey... yeah couldn't sleep."
"You should have waked me."
Wrapping an arm around his waist, I stand close to him, close enough to feel his body heat. He lets himself lean against me a little.
"I know. I wouldn't have been good company though."
His gaze is still focused somewhere in the distance, somewhere across that grey, choppy water of the bay.
"It's okay. You don't have to be. Just know that I'm here, Kaidan. And that I love you." I pause, not sure what to say. "Let me help if I can. Talk to me when you're ready to talk. I'm a pretty good listener."
He turns his head toward me at that, a ghost of a smile flitting across his lips. "You always listened to me. Even when no one else would. That meant a lot... made me realize you were different. I always felt like I could trust you."
"Trust me now, Kaidan. Maybe tell me about your dad."
His hand goes to touch the extra set of dogtags he 's still wearing. He hadn't said anything directly about him since I'd slipped them over his head yesterday. He'd said he was worried about his mother and we should probably go back to the orchard.
But nothing about his father.
I'd seen only one picture of Michael Alenko in his family's home at the orchard. He'd been a young Alliance officer... maybe around the age Kaidan was when I first met him. He had the same dark hair and eyebrows, but his eyes were slate blue. The picture was a family portrait. His mother was seated, holding a very young Kaidan. Her husband's arm was wrapped around her shoulder, almost protectively. They both were smiling and I remember seeing Kaidan's smile in both of theirs.
"He was a pilot... loved to fly. He left active duty because he wanted me to have a place to call home. His father was military too, and the family was always moving around. He didn't want that for his son. Mom would have followed him anywhere, but loved the orchard from the first time he brought her home to meet his family."
I rub his back gently, glad he's finally talking about him a little. "I saw the picture your mom has of the three of you. They both looked happy. I wish I could have known him."
"Me too, John. Me too. It's funny. You'd think it would be my mom pushing me to find someone to settle down with. But she never did, not really. My dad... before I left to join the Alliance, he talked about it. Told me not to wait too long, not to wait until it was too late... Said that meeting Mom had been the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. And he wanted me to be that happy... with someone who loved me."
I think about that dinner date on the Citadel. How Kaidan had mentioned drinking beer on his family's balcony overlooking English Bay. I wonder if it's that conversation with his father that he was thinking about then. I'll never know, but I kind of like to think so.
"And you did, Kaidan. You did find someone who loves you. And it wasn't too late... it was the right time for us. I just hadn't found a word for how I felt about you."
Pressing a kiss to his temple prompts him to life his face so I can touch my lips to his mouth.
"My dad never knew about it though. I told Mom that I'd found 'someone' but that was just before the last battle, and he was already MIA. I didn't tell her who it was until afterward, when you were in the hospital in London. He would have liked you, John... would have liked knowing I was happy."
He goes quiet, turning his eyes back to the misty seascape. It seems to calm him... maybe it always has. He was so set on us finding a place with this kind of view when we started looking for a home here. Maybe the starscape from the starboard observation deck was the equivalent to this. A place where he could find comfort.
"You said something yesterday... when you found me with his dogtags."
I'm not sure I remember what all I said, only that he was hurting and I couldn't find any words to help with that kind of pain.
"You said you thought he'd be proud of me. I never told you, but in one of the letters my mom wrote, she said that the last thing he said to her after dropping her off at the orchard was to tell me he was proud of me. That meant a lot."
"Yeah. It would." I know how much hearing those words from Anderson meant to me at the end... I guess maybe he was more of a father to me than my own dad ever had a chance to be.
"I did a lot of things I wasn't very proud of when I was younger... after Jump Zero. I was pretty messed up. He didn't give up on me though. Just wanted me to make good choices, figure out what I wanted from life... told me it was really up to me."
"That was good advice."
He turns to face me again, reaching for my hand. "He told me one other thing... to always hold onto my integrity, no matter what happens." Hesitating, he looks away from me, gazing back out over the bay before continuing. "Integrity was kind of... I don't know... black and white, maybe? At least I once thought it was. Then things got a little more grey, you know?"
I can feel myself tensing up, but Kaidan was holding onto my hand, rubbing his thumb across my palm. "You're talking about Horizon."
"Among other things. I doubt my dad ever knew we stole the Normandy... but that was the right thing to do even if it looked disloyal to the Alliance. I didn't lose sleep over that one."
Kaidan takes a deep breath, exhaling it slowly as a sigh. "And I know he had no idea what happened on Horizon. I wasn't in touch with my family much during those years, after you died... after you came back. I had to work through things for myself, you know? To figure out what integrity really meant to me." He shakes his head, looking down at our clasped hands. "I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here... maybe I don't know if he'd understand the choices I made."
Something he just said makes me wonder. "Kaidan... you said you weren't in touch with your family for at least a couple of years. Did you... I guess I'm asking if you had a chance to see your Dad again before the Reapers attacked?"
Lips tight, he's visibly fighting the emotions. Finally he nods. "Yeah. The evening before... before everything. I had dinner with Mom and Dad at their Vancouver apartment. Everything seemed so calm... so goddamn normal... We had a couple of beers together, out on the balcony. I remember watching the sailboats on English Bay, noticing the colors of the sunset on the water. Beautiful sight. We talked about the weather, the concert they'd attended the night before, my promotion... Then Dad asked why I was in town."
It's my turn to look away, focusing on the water, the fog obscuring the horizon... reminding me of when I used to stare out the window of the apartment where I'd been detained. "What did you tell him?"
"The truth. That I was supposed to testify at your hearing. I don’t know... he seemed to understand that I felt pretty conflicted about it. He told me to just tell them about the Commander Shepard I knew, that it would be enough." His words trail off into a long silence. When he speaks again, his voice is close to breaking. "John, he told me he was proud of me. I hope it was for the right reasons."
"Kaidan, it's likely that he followed your career as closely as he could. And I think he knew what to be proud of... he knew what kind of man you'd become. Hold onto that memory of him. It's a good one."
"Yeah. I'm glad we had that."
After another long look out over the bay, he turns to meet my eyes. The sun has risen enough to begin penetrating the fog and is glinting on the water. It's enough to put the gold lights back in Kaidan's eyes. I draw him close and touch my lips to his, whispering. "Come back inside with me. We didn't get a lot of sleep last night... let's try that again."
He nods and lets me lead he way, never letting go of my hand.
I'm sure he knows what I want is to find a safe place together. And that I just want to hold him.
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