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Lae’zel’s license had been suspended. Lae’zel’s license had been suspended on what were, in her mind, completely preposterous and unreasonable grounds. And now she’s marching up to the doors of the dmv to get it reinstated, when she should be doing what she always does on a Friday night: sitting in her completely dark apartment staring out the window and brooding.
It wasn’t even a big deal. Sure you’re supposed to yield to pedestrians, but then why the hell do crosswalks exist? The old bitch shouldn’t have been jaywalking on a busy street. It’s not her fault she ran into Lae’zel’s car and broke her hip. How was she supposed to know the old bat was on her way to her husband’s wake? Lae’zel wasn’t a bigot. Old people can be goth too.
Besides, she wouldn’t have even been so distracted on the road if it weren’t for her insufferable coworkers living rent-free in every migraine she’d had since she started working for Company Corp: the place where they sell products and do business. Karlach and Shadowheart were their names, and being figuratively up Lae’zel’s ass was their game. They each had their own reasons for hating Lae’zel. Of course, in Lae’zel’s mind, they were simply being preposterous and unreasonable. So what if she told shadowheart that her fear of wolves was stupid, and also that she wouldn’t amount to much with that attitude of hers? It’s just true. So what if she told Karlach that she was the superior race and that tieflings were inherently beneath her? This was also true. Since when did we start hating people for telling the truth?
Whatever. She just needed to focus. Get in, get out. Easy as peasy.
Except, it was not quite lemon squeezy. Upon opening the double doors, she was met with a roar of hundreds of different conversations and varying strengths of BO all at once. She grimaced and collected herself. Get in, get out.
She took her stack of paperwork and proof of identity to a disgruntled older woman behind the front desk. The woman maybe said two words to her while checking that all of her materials were in order. When she deemed them “good enough” she pointed Lae’zel to the crowd of hundreds of seated people in several rows and said “grab a number” but Lae’zel didn’t hear her. She was too busy looking in abject horror at Shadowheart and Karlach seated right next to each other amongst the crowd, their eyes fixed directly on her.
God. Dammit.
And the only seat available was to the right of them.
God. Fucking. Dammit.
She looked at the slip of paper that had gurgled out of the ticket machine minutes prior. A409. She squinted at the blue-lit screen above her head at the nearest appointment.
A119.
Fuck.
She watched the pair of homosexuals look at her in dismay then back at each other, mouthing the word “shit” in unison. She begrudgingly started her approach. She kind of wished that their looks could kill because she wanted to be dead right now. They both bore daggers into her as she stopped and peered down at them.
“And just what the hell are you two doing here?” Lae’zel crossed her arms and leaned her weight on her back foot.
Shadow heart flipped her hair past her shoulder. “What do you mean ‘what are you doing here’? We’re here because we have to be. Karlach needs to take a driver's test, and I have to get mine renewed.”
Lae’zel switched her attention to Karlach. “Driver’s test?” She raised an eyebrow and laughed a hollow laugh. “You’re telling me you’re in your thirties and still don’t have a license? How do you get to Company Corp.: the place where we sell products and do business every day?”
Karlach crossed her arms over her chest. “Why do you even care? I show up to work every day on time, don’t I? Besides, I don’t have to tell you anything. Apparently I’m too “beneath you” for us to even have a conversation.”
“It’s nice to know you actually know your place.” Lae’zel jeered.
Karlach got out of her seat, towering over the githyanki. “You're playing a dangerous game GAY’zel.”
“If you want to get kicked out, please, be my guest. Continue what you’re doing. I’m sure a fight at the dmv will look great on your record.” Lae’zel smiled up at her.
“God, do you have to be such a prick all the time?” Shadowheart complained from her seat. “Just find a seat and leave us be, won’t you?”
“I’d love to be as far away from you two as humanly possible, but the only seat available seems to be the one next to you two.”
The seated pair looked at each other before Shadowheart shot Karlach a pleading look.
Karlach waved her hands in an “x” motion. “Noooo way” she said. “There’s no way I’m sitting next to her for three fucking hours.” She leaned away from Lae’zel like a disease.
“Well I don’t want to sit next to her either” said Shadowheart. “All I did was look at her today and she called me a whore.”
“I don’t want to sit next to either of you inferior fucks” Lae’zel hissed. She paused after her outburst and took a deep breath before continuing. “But there’s no where else for me to go. I’m going to have to sit somewhere.” She said through gritted teeth.
“Just ask someone else to switch seats with you” Shadowheart pushed.
Lae’zel huffed, but it wasn’t a bad idea. She approached a few others asking them to switch seats, but no dice. They all had an excuse. She made the walk of shame back to the half-elf and the tiefling.
“No one wants to move. One of you is going to to have to let me sit next to you.” She said tightly.
“No, no way.”
“Not a chance.”
That does it. Lae’zel shoved Shadowheart (the smaller one) into the empty seat on her left and planted herself between the two.
“Hey!” Said Shadowheart “what the hell is wrong with you?”
“You both sit next to me. That way it’s even. Is everyone happy?” Lae’zel snapped.
The trio sat in silence for a moment.
“… fine.” Karlach muttered.
“Fine.” Shadowheart grumbled.
Lae’zel couldn’t throw herself into oncoming traffic, so she elected to sink as low as she could into her chair, crossing her arms and cursing under her breath. She just had to be sandwiched between the two most infuriating people on earth in what was arguably the most infuriating place on earth. I might as well light myself on fire, she thought.
They sat like that for a time, with the occasional cough or shifting in the seat disrupting the silence. Her two coworkers had taken separate approaches to their current dilemma. For instance, Karlach had taken to manspreading and putting her AirPods in. But Shadowheart had been glaring at Lae’zel since she walked into the building and continued to do so from the Githyanki’s now seated position. She had her long black hair pulled up into a high ponytail that swished with her every movement. Lae’zel was reminded of the video of Drake swinging his junk around like a helicopter that popped up on her TikTok feed against her will.
Shadowheart rolled her eyes to the ceiling and broke the silence. “You just had to show up right when I needed my license renewed. I guess it makes sense that you’re here. This is the place where shitty things happen.” Her ponytail swished with her every word. Suddenly Hotline Bling was stuck in Lae’zel’s head.
Lae’zel chuckled, but there was only venom in it. “Your kind is always so dramatic. I always wondered why Company Corp. hired half breeds, much less one as annoying as you.”
Shadowheart’s cheeks flared pink. “I’ll have you know that no one at Company Corp.: the place where they sell products and do business can sell products and do business the way that I sell products and do business!”
Lae’zel scoffed. “Don’t make me laugh, elf. Your business numbers and sales are elementary compared to the business numbers and sales of myself. “
“Please. The only reason your numbers are so good is because our boss has a degradation kink and the hots for you.”
“Ill have you know- “
Their fight was interrupted by something (someone) crunching and smacking inches from Lae’zel’s ear. Karlach had pulled out a bag of hot fries the size of her head. She could smell the hot fries stale and foul on the tiefling’s breath. The smacking and suckling of her fingers bounced around her skull not unfamiliar to throwing a porcupine into a bounce house. Lae’zel could feel a familiar twitch coming on, a tick she had picked up not too long after Karlach started working at Company Corp. You know, the place where they sell products and do business.
Karlach must have felt her staring because she looked up from her meal. “What?” She asked.
“Could you please refrain from everything that you’re doing right now?”
“Um. No? The only thing I’ve had to eat today is Redbull and my sick vape.” Lae’zel felt her stomach churn at that remark.
Shadowheart sighed. “Here, I have a couple of Smuckers pb&js in my bag. They’re much quieter and, you know, it’s actual food.” She awkwardly leaned across Lae’zel to hand Karlach the treat.
Karlach pumped her fist. “Score! Thanks, little dude.”
Lae’zel noticed the all-too familiar blush spread across Shadowheart’s cheeks. She rolled her eyes. She’s had to watch them eye-fuck each other for years now and the sight never failed to make her nauseous. She knew that the only reason Shadowheart kept Smuckers in her purse was because she knew they were Karlach’s favorite. Simp.
They sat in silence again, Karlach’s stomach having fizzled out the previous argument. She was now happily chewing the pb&js that she had scarfed down in two bites. Lae’zel looked at the time. It had only been five minutes. She looked at the screen again. The numbers had only gone up by two. She mentally threw herself off a cliff.
Hours later-
As the numbers on the screen so achingly slowly ticked by, Lae’zel felt more and more of what remained of her sanity slip away. This situation right here is what made her so confident that God wasn’t real. If he were, she’d be in the fucking Bahamas right now and not stuck here with the two people she least wanted to be stuck with. What had she done to deserve such a fate? Hit an old lady with her car? Well… yes.
Suddenly, she was hit by Mother Nature. She needed to pee. She got up from her seat and stretched. The other two looked up at her.
“I’ll be right back” she said before walking the short distance to the lady's room.
Lae’zel peed what she deemed a sufficient amount of piss before returning from the bathroom and to her seat. She saw that the other two were gone and getting their respected appointments done at opposite ends of the room. She looked up at the blue-lit screen once more before her heart sank into her ass.
“No,” she said. “No. No. No. NO. NO! What the hell? Did they seriously already call my number?” She sprang up from her seat to the nearest employee to try to sort this out. The employee shook their head. “Sorry but they already made the final call for your number and the spot’s been filled,” they droned. “You’ll have to try again next time.”
“You’re kidding. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
“There’s no need to make a scene ma’am.”
The final sliver of Lae’zel’s sanity shattered that night at the dmv. “Scene?” Her vocal cadence getting higher and higher. “You want a scene?! I’ll show you a scene!” She started to throw peppermints from her Prada bag at the employee. The employee was so underpaid they didn’t even flinch.
“Ma’am we’re going to have to escort you out.” A couple of other employees started to approach her.
“No! I’ll escort myself out thank you very much!” She was really yelling now and jammed a green finger into the employee’s face. “And you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
“Whatever you say ma’am. Have a good night” was the last thing she heard before slamming the doors of the dmv and pulling out an e-cigarette. She took a looong drag of it before slumping down to sit on the curb, defeated. It just wasn’t fair. None of this was fucking fair. Getting kicked out was just the shit icing on the shit cake.
She heard two sets of footsteps and looked up to see Karlach and Shadowheart walking to a car, both looking as defeated as she did. They made eye contact with her on the curb.
“What happened to you?” Karlach asked after taking a much-needed puff from her vape. She started to approach Lae’zel with Shadowheart not too far behind her.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Lae’zel grouched. She paused, before sighing a deep sigh and looking at Karlach. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like being genuine with her for the first time. Maybe it’s because she was too tired to be a bitch. So she simply said, “I missed my appointment and got kicked out.”
“Damn,” Karlach said, joining her on the curb. Lae’zel saw a faint bit of surprise run across her face, probably because this was the first time Lae’zel had ever said something to her that wasn’t an insult. “That’s rough buddy. I just failed my driver’s exam for the fifth time so we’re in similar shit-filled boats.”
Lae’zel laughed mockingly, before she saw Karlach’s guard go up again. She sucked in a breath before correcting herself. “I’m…” she grimaced. “… sorry that happened to you.”
Karlach’s eyes bulged out of her head. “You’re… sorry? I-I mean, thanks. Uh... dude?”
Lae’zel looked up at Shadowheart who was fidgeting with her split ends. “And what has you moping?” She asked her.
Shadowheart looked down at a slip of paper with what Lae’zel assumed to be her temporary license. Everyone seemed to be in a particularly honest mood because she replied, “I sneezed in the middle of my license photo, and they wouldn’t let me retake it.” She was staring down at the pavement below her.
Lae’zel had wanted nothing more than anything in her life than to see that photo, but she resisted the urge to ask, deciding that nothing could be funnier than her imagination, and she realized that she would rather be on Shadowheart’s good side than listen to her bitch back in response. “I’m… also sorry that happened to you,” was all Lae’zel said.
The other two clearly didn’t know what to make of Lae’zel’s… well, it couldn’t be called kindness. Tolerance? They looked at each other and Karlach got up from her seat and leaned in close to Shadowheart, clearly suggesting something into her ear. Shadowheart was blushing again. It was clear she would agree to anything Karlach said with how close she got to her. Simp. She nodded vigorously at whatever Karlach had asked.
The tiefling sat back down on the curb and looked at the githyanki. “Wanna go to Hooters?”
“What?”
“Shadowheart and I were gonna go to Hooter’s after this to celebrate our success. I’m asking if you want to wallow in our defeat together.”
Lae’zel was puzzled. Lae’zel was puzzled because she found herself saying yes. The trio went to hooters that night and had… a time? Lae’zel found that this was a way better way to spend her Friday night instead of sitting in the dark and brooding; she was also looking forward to going to work at Company Corp. that Monday. You know, the place where they sell products and do business.