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Have you ever had a dream that your favourite baby's drowning?
And you grab him by his sweater sleeve, pull him up on to the ground,
And you can hear the water slosh around inside his tiny gut,
Push his belly up and down but he can't cough the water up,
Suddenly a flood comes out his mouth till there is nothing left
Inside of him, he's empty now, there isn't even one small breath
And he goes limp in your arms.
All the people's mouths are moving, all you hear are car alarms,
And you wake up and start to cry;
I will lose my shit if even one more person I know dies!
So please don't die…
– My Mom, Kimya Dawson
Dazai Osamu is not afraid of Mori Ougai.
By all accounts, he should be. This ruthless man holds his life in his hands. He's well aware of what Mori is capable of, having been his witness to the murder of the old Boss, knowing how easily he could get rid of him and pass it off as an accident.
That, however, would require Mori to be interested in actually killing him. As the days drag by, it's become obvious to the newly-fifteen year old that Mori has no such intentions; in fact, he's the reason why Dazai's numerous suicide attempts over the past few months have failed, as he's thwarted each and every one of them. It hasn't been effortless, at least, because if it were, that would only make Dazai more suicidal (if such a thing is even possible at this point).
As unafraid as Dazai is of Mori, there was a single time where he was so deeply unsettled by his actions, if anyone had asked him, he would've said he was afraid in the moment.
It happens just before his birthday, almost a full year after Mori took him in, following the first failed attempt. He had saved him that time, too, and Dazai hasn't tried using that first failed method again since then - that is, drowning - so he figures he might as well do it now, see if he can get away with it this time. Somewhat predictably, he doesn't.
He has no idea how Mori's gotten so unreasonably good at knowing exactly when, where, and how he's going to make another attempt, but he wishes he did, so that he could put a stop to it.
Especially after what happens this time.
At first, there is nothing about Mori's behavior which makes this rescue seem any different from the others before it, including the first time. It's not until after Dazai is fully conscious, and Mori has pushed enough of the water out of his lungs to allow him to breathe without choking, that it finally becomes clear.
Before Dazai can remark at all on what just happened, Mori's hands are on either side of his face, forcing him to face forward. Dazai pretends not to notice how badly those hands shake, but what he cannot pretend to ignore is the look in his eyes: wide, wild, and terrified.
"Don't you ever make me do that again, Osamu. Do you understand?"
Osamu.
It's the first time he's ever used his first name to refer to him directly. Too stunned to respond, Dazai says nothing, instead trying to look away on instinct, to avert his uncovered eye from such a raw, human display of emotion. But Mori-
"Look at me!"
Mori won't let him. His hands are still on the sides of his face, but not in a way anyone has ever touched him before, as there is no pain to be felt at the ends of his fingertips.
(For some reason, that's far more frightening than the alternative.)
"I know you don't want to live, and you know I cannot allow you to die. I know you'll try again, no matter what I say, but– drowning?"
Mori shakes his head, his voice trembling in a way it never has before. There is no rage, nor anger, in his words, no thinly-veiled contempt or sarcasm to shield his true emotions. Once again, he repeats:
"Don't you ever make me see you like that ever again. Not ever. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
Dazai's voice comes out in a tiny, barely-whispered squeak. The pair can hear how his breathing trembles just a bit, as if he wants to cry, but can't – won't – force the tears from his eyes. When Mori stares at his face, he sees no fear, but he can see the confusion there, his eye wide and focused and–
Mori shudders, pulling Dazai close and wrapping his arms around him. The teen's forehead thumps gently against his shoulder, his body limp as Mori weaves his hand into Dazai's hair, cradling the back of his head as if on instinct.
"Good."
They both lose track of how long they sit there, as Dazai pretends he can't tell that Mori is sobbing, the older man's body shaking and jolting as he chokes back the sound as best he can.
This interaction will baffle him for over a decade.
("How did you find her? Your daughter?"
"In the bathroom. She- she had been drowned."
"... so, when we first met, and that time when I tried to– when you came, and…"
"For a moment, when I first met you, it was her I saw. But that second time? I only saw you. That's why it made me so upset. There was a moment where I feared you had succeeded, and… I realized I couldn't, wouldn't, hold another child's lifeless body in my arms.")