Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It’s been about 14 years ever since I’ve won the WVBA World Circuit Title. I remember it so fondly. Crowds cheering my name, Doc Louis hoisting me above his shoulders, and Mr. Sandman sleeping like a newborn baby. It was beautiful. All that blood, sweat and tears had finally paid off. Nobody thought a scrawny short guy like me could play with the big dogs, but I proved them wrong. I proved them ALL wrong. Not to mention I took down Kid Dynamite himself.

Then, Smash Bros. came along. I guess one of the veteran characters recognized my talent, and decided to recruit me. Though I don’t know why they decided to send Donkey Kong of all people. Either way, I was happy to be boxing in the big leagues. The hardest part, however, was saying goodbye to everybody. Especially Doc Louis. He’s the whole reason I made it there in the first place. When everybody laughed in my face, he offered his help. He saw something in me like nothing he’d ever seen before. He’s basically like my dad. Well, 2nd dad. Anywho, I said goodbye and all that, and sometime later, I was at Smash. It was great! Until I realized that I was falling instead of flying. It was annoying to get KO’ed by a nightmarish amount of projectiles while midair. But, that didn’t get me down. Despite the massive amount of losses, I got lotsa wins. I even got a little fanbase too. But like all good things, it had to have come to an end at some point. I had to hang up the gloves eventually.

About 2 years ago, I moved back to Brooklyn, my hometown. I was able to get a pretty good house with the money from Smash Bros. I decided to get a job as a trainer. It’s nice to help people reach their potential. Kinda how Doc helped me. It’s what he woulda wanted.

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Bonjour! It is I, Glass Joe! Or I was at least. Now, I am simply Joseph Ghaston. I had to give up due to my doctor’s orders. He was so scared for my health that even with headgear, he still forced my stay out of the ring.

Well, given my 1-101(1 Win 101 Losses) boxing record, I can’t say I blame him. I mean, at this point I’m a walking, talking sandbag! So, I moved back to Paris and went into interior design! Recently, I just got a promotion at my job for my dedication! It’s real nice work. Friendly coworkers, great benefits, and lengthy vacations. Plus, I get to be outdoors and soak up some sun!

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll get back in the ring. I must admit, I get a great burst of energy when I’m there. Something about the roaring crowd, the radiant headlights and the anticipation of the fight is…addicting. However, I get KO’ed pretty bad 99% of the time. After each fight, my family would look at me with these eyes of dread and sadness.

“Why, why do you do this to yourself, Joeseph?” I would tell them because I am determined to win! But look where that’s gotten me. Maybe the doctor was right…

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Sigh…

My name is Sanford Deere. But you probably know me as Mr. Sandman. You see, back in 2009, I used to be a champion. A king. Until Little Mac came by and swiped it outta my hands like some damn purse snatcher. I was angry. REAL angry, to the point where I decimated an entire building.

I’m still tryna pay off that bill…

It wasn’t the fact that Little Mac beat me. It was the fact that Doc Louis, former heavyweight champ was there reppin’ him. My idol, the man who inspired me to be the best. But anyways, I tried to take the belt back and THAT failed. Despite me putting EVERY, SINGLE, GODDAMN FIBER OF MY BEING INTO THE FI-

Hffff…Hooooo….

Sorry about me, I’m working through that. But after hearing through the grapevine that Little Mac had left, I went back to get my belt. I held that for a solid 6 years, till some guy named Adonis or whatever took it. Lookin’ back on it now, for someone as small as Mac, I’m impressed that he took me down. Gotta say, kid’s got some guts to do somethin’ like that.

Anywho, after some anger management classes and a lot of self-reflection, I retired. I went to hit the books and I became a kindergarten teacher. I know. Me, a big, imposing bruiser be sweet and kind? What a loada bull, right? Not many know, but there’s another reason why I was Mr. Sandman. Back when I was younger, my ma always told me the greatest bedtime stories. That combined with me knocking my competition out birthed Mr. Sandman.

But getting back, I left the boxing life behind to go to college and become a kindergarten teacher. I like seeing the happiness in the kids’ faces when I read to them. It reminds me of home. A simpler time.

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AAAAGGGGHHHHHHAAHAHAHA!!

Scared ye, didn’t I? The name’s Ryan, Aran Ryan! And no, I ain’t related to who ye think I’m related to. Ye prolly know me from the World Circuit all those years back. I was known as a cheat! A slag! An elbow-throwin, flail-makin, headbuttin’ slag! And ye’d be right! I prolly got it from me father, that rotten bastard! Ironic that I’m callin’ him that.

Believe it or not, I’m not in prison right now. I actually got a bar with the money from all me boxin’ fights! Called it the Punch Drunk Pub, if ye ever feel like gettin’ a drink an’ forgettin’ about life. Just be careful to not piss off the patrons, I’ve had to stop a couple of fights meself. Hell, I jumped in all of them, and won!

I suppose I should answer the elephant in the room: “Why did I cheat so damn much?” Well, me family an’ I weren’t exactly…great. As I implied, my old man wasn’t a dad. When he wasn’t comin’ home drunk to terrorize me sister and I, he was hookin’ up with other lasses from the pub. He an’ me mum would constantly get into it. Fight, yell, that kinda thing. It didn’t help that we also lived in the slums. So, me an’ me sister stole and stole. Somehow, we got by. But, me childhood cemented my views on life. To win, ya gotta cheat. But, when Mac showed his mug into the ring and knocked me lights out, it made me realize that I was livin’ me life outta wack.

So, the last 14 years was spent tryin’ to fix the wrongs from me childhood. From gettin’ a GED, community college, and to even findin’ a little sweetheart and gettin’ a li’l lad of meself. I may not be perfect, but one thing’s for sure. He’s gonna get a better upbringin’ than what I had.

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Hey, dudes! I used to be…SUPER! MACHO! MAN! But now I’m just Noah Johnson. Well, back in 2009, I had a bit of a reputation. Even though I was #1, I was also a huge chode to lots of people, including Little Mac(Wonder how that li’l dude is doing today). I’m guessin’ it all stemmed from the road to fame. I had to be the best, no matter what. I know that’s not exactly the best excuse for my bogus attitude, which I just cringe about whenever I think back to that part of my life.

So, when Mac knocked me down and out twice, I did a lotta thinking. The life I was living was a glamourous and luxurious life, but it wasn’t the good life. People treated me like I treated them, like dirt under my foot. I realized that there’s more to bein’ a man than muscles and money. So, for about 7 years, I trained not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. I kept a low profile and didn’t put myself back out there until I was 110% sure I was done. Then, I did one of those apologies that famous people do, except I like to think I put more…passion in mine. After that, I started doin’ philanthropy and I built a school named after Billy Graham, one of the main inspirations behind my career. After that, I started traveling a li’l bit to “expand my palettte”, and it was magnificent.

But after all that was set and done, I went back into Hollywood. For obvious reasons, I started out small, but with time I grew my fanbase to be even bigger than it was before. It was nice for people to know me as more than some weightlifting, attention-seeking chud. Plus, after all this time, I can at least look at myself in the mirror and say I’m a man. A Super Macho Man! Hehehe…

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RAAARGH!

HMGAHHHHH!

RAAAAAAAAH!!

BLAAAARGGGH!

King Hippo promptly died of cardiac arrest.